Secret debt comments please ..

MendingAndHopeful2055

Looking to just offload as I have no one i can talk to this about. I've been silly ( like most ) my debt might not seem alot but it's eating me up inside and unsure if that is due to the secrets of it. 


Husband and I always have had seperate accounts etc anf chipped in our parts each. Mortgage is low and we remortgaged 2 years ago on 5 year deal. Husband suggested combining finances which I am happy to do as he is great with money and takes stress from me. Only thing is I owe car finance to my father still, another 2.5 years totalling £7k. 

I know this doesn't seem alot to most but it's a debt regardless. My partner thinks this is paid off and I don't have the guts to tell him it isn't. We done up the house and my money just went elsewhere. I dont want him to think i am bad at managing money which clearly im not the best ! For that reason I won't be telling him . I have been secretly delivering food at my lunch break making enough money to cover these plus a little more. Working up time off work and taking the odd day to work full day doing that. 


My question is. Has anyone had something similar and got through it? Regardless 1k or 90k a debt is a debt and Is stress! 

Bubblesmum

Hello

I wanted to send you a big hug… 

My question is would your husband want you to be so stressed …. We are not perfect and make decisions that in hindsight would be better if we hadn’t 

You have found a solution to repay the debt…. 

My experience was when I was open and honest, it was painful at the time - but like ripping of the plaster quickly, it led to much better relationships in the future than trying to keep a secret from one you love.

Good luck 

MendingAndHopeful2055

Thank you, my eyes started welling reading it. It's really getting to me. We have a daughter together and don't feel I could tell him, he would be more upset that I lied etc. I feel terrible about it but feel like I want to get it behind me and move on. Just have that hurdle and looking for maybe some positive stories from others in similar boat! 

Nomunnofun1

It appears to me that the greater stress comes from the possibility of your husband discovering the continued existence of the outstanding loan from your father than the actual debt itself. 

That sends an entirely different message!

I typed the above this before your latest message. You honestly need to prioritise yourself and your daughter above any debt - it’s only money!

MendingAndHopeful2055

It's mostly the thought of disappointing him. He doesn't bring me any problems and I'd hate to bring him them. I'm hoping I can pay it off over this year and next and put it behind me. I just hate the stress and secrecy of it mostly. Will be a welcome of fresh air when I dont need to worry about finances. 

Alderbank

MendingAndHopeful2055 said:

 He doesn't bring me any problems and I'd hate to bring him them.

But isn't that, at least partly, what marriage is about?

Some people even vow to love and cherish, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer...

You say he hasn't brought you any problems yet but hopefully you will have a long marriage together and the way of the world is that there will be some problems ahead for you both to tackle together.

Look at it this way - if he was the one with a problem, would you want him to keep it from you and bottle it up or would you hope he would let you share it?

MendingAndHopeful2055

Alderbank said:

MendingAndHopeful2055 said:

 He doesn't bring me any problems and I'd hate to bring him them.

But isn't that, at least partly, what marriage is about?

Some people even vow to love and cherish, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer...

You say he hasn't brought you any problems yet but hopefully you will have a long marriage together and the way of the world is that there will be some problems ahead for you both to tackle together.

Look at it this way - if he was the one with a problem, would you want him to keep it from you and bottle it up or would you hope he would let you share it?

He would absolutely tell me and has in the past for minor mess ups with his own finances. But I feel it's went on too long now. I regret it completely. You are right with the vows, I have  myself in a right mess. Just hoping I can work hard enough this next year - 2 years to get this cleared and leave money for taxes and put an end to this feeling. 

Been looking through comments and can never find any from people that have successfully paid off without causing upset. So far this week have done £70. Monthly income need to make 285 to cover. 

On payday I am now transferring my full wage to joint account, as is he. Spending from there so this is the only debt I need to pay myself. In comparison to others I know it isn't alot but is a debt regardless.

EssexHebridean

MendingAndHopeful2055 said:

It's mostly the thought of disappointing him. He doesn't bring me any problems and I'd hate to bring him them. I'm hoping I can pay it off over this year and next and put it behind me. I just hate the stress and secrecy of it mostly. Will be a welcome of fresh air when I dont need to worry about finances. 

What if he came to YOU and explained that he had £7k of debt that he’d been struggling to clear - that he was working extra hours to try to deal with it but it was tough. Would your reaction be to be disappointed with him, to tell him that he was “bringing problems to you”? Or would you want to help him, at the least to share the burden of the stress of it?  Would you rather he’d just kept quiet, kept worrying and being anxious about it, just to avoid you being troubled by it? 

Now ask yourself why you don’t think he would react supportively to you in that position? 

MendingAndHopeful2055

EssexHebridean said:

MendingAndHopeful2055 said:

It's mostly the thought of disappointing him. He doesn't bring me any problems and I'd hate to bring him them. I'm hoping I can pay it off over this year and next and put it behind me. I just hate the stress and secrecy of it mostly. Will be a welcome of fresh air when I dont need to worry about finances. 

What if he came to YOU and explained that he had £7k of debt that he’d been struggling to clear - that he was working extra hours to try to deal with it but it was tough. Would your reaction be to be disappointed with him, to tell him that he was “bringing problems to you”? Or would you want to help him, at the least to share the burden of the stress of it?  Would you rather he’d just kept quiet, kept worrying and being anxious about it, just to avoid you being troubled by it? 

Now ask yourself why you don’t think he would react supportively to you in that position? 

I'd want to help him. It's more the depths of the lie as ivd told him that the loan is paid and I'm fine. Maybe in time I'll be brave enough to tell him... my head for now cannot even attempt it. 

I just feeling abit sorry for myself. Is definitely a massive lesson for me. 

MendingAndHopeful2055

EssexHebridean said:

MendingAndHopeful2055 said:

It's mostly the thought of disappointing him. He doesn't bring me any problems and I'd hate to bring him them. I'm hoping I can pay it off over this year and next and put it behind me. I just hate the stress and secrecy of it mostly. Will be a welcome of fresh air when I dont need to worry about finances. 

What if he came to YOU and explained that he had £7k of debt that he’d been struggling to clear - that he was working extra hours to try to deal with it but it was tough. Would your reaction be to be disappointed with him, to tell him that he was “bringing problems to you”? Or would you want to help him, at the least to share the burden of the stress of it?  Would you rather he’d just kept quiet, kept worrying and being anxious about it, just to avoid you being troubled by it? 

Now ask yourself why you don’t think he would react supportively to you in that position? 

I just to be honest think he wouldn't be able to forgive the fact that I lied about it. The moneu isn't alot in the scheme of things. It is the lie that would be the breaking point for him. 

SuzeQStan

Could you renegotiate the joint account - perhaps ‘keep back’ a certain amount to keep in your solo account? Say it’s for your own independence and to be fair it is your money in the first place!  And your OH would then be free to do the same?

did you mention the car loan was to your father? Would he allow you to pay a lesser amount for longer? Might reduce some of the stress?