Secret debt comments please ..

EssexHebridean

Don’t beat yourself up about things OP - my point was that perhaps you are being a bit unfair on him by assuming he will react inna particular way. I’ve been in his position - with a partner who had failed to tell me about debt. I eventually found out by accident - a creditor got hold of MY a phone number (long story - and obviously very different from your position) and called me to try to get hold of him… the hardest thing by MILES for me was that it felt like he hadn’t trusted me enough to tell me. It was that feeling of lack of trust which nearly broke us, rather than the debt itself. I also felt horrific that he’d been spending money on dates etc while also owing a fairly solid sum elsewhere - I couldn’t have known, but still felt guilty regardless!  

Debtfree2026

I've been in a similar situation - except I had an extra element of guilt as my husband actually paid my debts off about 15 years ago.  A mixture of low income and not having had my light bulb moment meant that I started using the credit cards again.  He knew that I did have a credit card but he was unaware of the limit or that I was still regularly using it.  Or 'them' as I had two.

The debts were causing me sleepless nights, plus the worry of him finding out and then basically wanting a divorce.

I think what massively helped was that when I told him the extent of the debts, I went to him with a plan.  I said 'this is the situation - but I'm addressing it'.  And I really am.  We are meal planning and budgeting and as a result I am getting rid of a lot of the debt and aiming to be debt free in 2027.  He is 100% behind me which is such a relief.  I can see light at the end of the tunnel and it has 100% helped my mental health.  I appreciate that I have been very lucky with his response, but my point is I thought he'd be very upset and disappointed but he has just been completely supportive.

MEM62

MendingAndHopeful2055 said:

It's mostly the thought of disappointing him. He doesn't bring me any problems and I'd hate to bring him them. I'm hoping I can pay it off over this year and next and put it behind me. I just hate the stress and secrecy of it mostly. Will be a welcome of fresh air when I dont need to worry about finances. 

But you don't hate it enough to be honest with him?  And also, that worry that you refer to will go away if you tell him.  Yes, he might be initially disappointed but he sounds like a decent, caring individual and will respond accordingly.  Keeping secrets from your husband is rarely a wise thing.  After all, if you cannot be honest and open with him, then who?

A point well made by @EssexHebridean above, it is not about the money, it is about the trust.  

MendingAndHopeful2055

EssexHebridean said:

Don’t beat yourself up about things OP - my point was that perhaps you are being a bit unfair on him by assuming he will react inna particular way. I’ve been in his position - with a partner who had failed to tell me about debt. I eventually found out by accident - a creditor got hold of MY a phone number (long story - and obviously very different from your position) and called me to try to get hold of him… the hardest thing by MILES for me was that it felt like he hadn’t trusted me enough to tell me. It was that feeling of lack of trust which nearly broke us, rather than the debt itself. I also felt horrific that he’d been spending money on dates etc while also owing a fairly solid sum elsewhere - I couldn’t have known, but still felt guilty regardless!  

This is my fear as he has told me before he wouldn't be able to forgive any lies financially or if I cheated on him physically. Anything else he could get through. 

MendingAndHopeful2055

Debtfree2026 said:

I've been in a similar situation - except I had an extra element of guilt as my husband actually paid my debts off about 15 years ago.  A mixture of low income and not having had my light bulb moment meant that I started using the credit cards again.  He knew that I did have a credit card but he was unaware of the limit or that I was still regularly using it.  Or 'them' as I had two.

The debts were causing me sleepless nights, plus the worry of him finding out and then basically wanting a divorce.

I think what massively helped was that when I told him the extent of the debts, I went to him with a plan.  I said 'this is the situation - but I'm addressing it'.  And I really am.  We are meal planning and budgeting and as a result I am getting rid of a lot of the debt and aiming to be debt free in 2027.  He is 100% behind me which is such a relief.  I can see light at the end of the tunnel and it has 100% helped my mental health.  I appreciate that I have been very lucky with his response, but my point is I thought he'd be very upset and disappointed but he has just been completely supportive.

That must have been so stressful for you! Almost feel jealous you have told him though ! 

I've just been a mix of low income materniry pay and house jobs that have not made me able to pay it. Now sharing finances . This is the only debt I need to pay now. Such a stress. I hope.in timr I can maybe tell him. Maybe when I lower the amount. Just so scared.  

VAP_Driver

SuzeQStan said:

Could you renegotiate the joint account - perhaps ‘keep back’ a certain amount to keep in your solo account? Say it’s for your own independence and to be fair it is your money in the first place!  And your OH would then be free to do the same?

did you mention the car loan was to your father? Would he allow you to pay a lesser amount for longer? Might reduce some of the stress?

I think, until or unless you’re ready to tell him, that this is a great idea. I think it’s a useful thing to do for buying birthday presents etc. anyway, but in your situation, it could really give you a bit more flexibility, and it hopefully takes some of the pressure away from you.

EssexHebridean

MendingAndHopeful2055 said:

EssexHebridean said:

Don’t beat yourself up about things OP - my point was that perhaps you are being a bit unfair on him by assuming he will react inna particular way. I’ve been in his position - with a partner who had failed to tell me about debt. I eventually found out by accident - a creditor got hold of MY a phone number (long story - and obviously very different from your position) and called me to try to get hold of him… the hardest thing by MILES for me was that it felt like he hadn’t trusted me enough to tell me. It was that feeling of lack of trust which nearly broke us, rather than the debt itself. I also felt horrific that he’d been spending money on dates etc while also owing a fairly solid sum elsewhere - I couldn’t have known, but still felt guilty regardless!  

This is my fear as he has told me before he wouldn't be able to forgive any lies financially or if I cheated on him physically. Anything else he could get through. 

Well if it helps, the partner who was mentioned and I DID stay together - indeed we’ll be celebrating a milestone wedding anniversary this year! 🥰

The not forgiving lies is if anything a good reason to make sure that you do tell him I would have thought - that way it brings it out in the open. He will find out - don’t be under the illusion that he won’t. You just have to make the decision based on your knowledge of him whether things will work out better by you being up front and honest and telling him, or by him finding out accidentally. Only you can make the decision, though. What I will say is that if you told him and he did walk away, that would say a lot more about him than you - and frankly it would also almost certainly be a measure that more was wrong in the background. In other words, the split would have happened eventually anyway. 

@Debtfree2026 - of course one of the reasons for you getting back into debt was precisely that your husband did clear your debts before. It’s really unusual for people who have “done the work” - put in the time and effort to pay back debt - to get back into debt again other than in really extreme situations. It rarely happens just from overspending, frittering or failure to budget and live within means though. On the flip side, it often occurs where people have been “bailed out” - as they haven’t had to take the steps to ensure that their financial house is in order. It sounds like what will come from your current situation though is that you and your husband will now work as a team financially - which is a healthy way for a household to run.