Teetering on the brink

Ch1ll1Phlakes

EatingBeans said:

Yes, I am sure the paw balm could have been skipped. Honestly I only really bought it to bump the cost of my order up by a few pounds in order to get free shipping for dd1’s birthday presents but still, I could have added something more I am sure.

The memories thing with dd1 I am going to stand by though. If it was dd2 then it would be different - I am sure she will be repeatedly boomeranging back throughout her life, if she ever leaves at all! dd1 is different. She has so many bad memories growing up (thanks to her dad) that she just wants to run as far away as possible and never return. I know she loves dd2 and I, but she has had a great big wall up to protect herself from more harm, that letting us in and believing that we can all just be happy has been really difficult for her. She has been living full time with me for a few years now and only this past few months has she actually wanted to hug me for instance. Now I know it is not all about money - if I am still awake when she comes in I make an extra effort to stay up and listen to her talk for as long as she wants to about her day - but now she is finally able to relax and make new memories with us I feel it important that we do. So, I do understand your thinking that I am robbing future memories, but honestly, where dd1 is concerned I am not sure there will be many future memories unless we make some really good ones this year. As it stands, when I say ‘last’, it really does mean last. For dd2 and I it really is devastating to watch another sibling/child leave. My son has already been gone for years and for similar reasons wants nothing to do with any of us. We didn’t cause the harm but we are such a reminder of it that it is easier to move on and forget. 😭 

As someone who grew up in a stressful and tense household I understand how children feel and the sense of wanting to leave. Hopefully in the long term you and dd1 can work things out so she doesn't feel like she wants to leave and never come back. But thanks for sharing this as it does make your decisions understandable and gives us a better view of where we as a forum can help guide you and where you need some space. 

PS: Can I say (and I hope you don't find this to prying) that your desire to see your dogs happy is maybe because you feel you struggle to make your children happy. I've found myself in a similar situation where I tried to fix everything around me because I couldn't fix my family situation as a child. Just some food for thoughts and hope this is ok. 

All the best, CP

missymoo81

Hey, just thought I’d jump in with my 2penneth worth if that’s ok? Before making any decision might be worth just seeing what is around job wise. I thought there was loads surrounding me I could do. Then when I actually started applying I got turned down for every one. Despite being qualified and the salary being lower. It’s a very difficult time in the job market at the moment.

EatingBeans

Thanks for a different perspective @missymoo81 it does concern me that job adverts that I am seeing for jobs I could do does not necessarily mean I will even get interviews. Trying to get a job is definitely more challenging than it used to be and that does make me somewhat nervous. That said, I can see the writing is on the wall for a large number of uni staff and the way I see it is it might be better to be one of the first to go as competition for jobs will only get worse as more staff are made redundant. Plus the package might not be as good next time. 

I think I will be second guessing myself right up to the last minute tbh.

EatingBeans

Today has been very productive, but left me too tired for Olio sadly (delayed not forgotten). dd2 has been helping me reorganise the downstairs. Little Dog’s crate has moved back into my bedroom next to Big Dog again, the table brought out ready for the Christmas tree, all the Birthday decorations taken down, and many boxes of stuff dug out and sorted through ready for more eBay/vinted listing. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but it took almost 5 hours of solid work. 

Oh, and in the middle of it I also managed to teach Little Dog hand signals to Speak (bark) on command, and also to be Quiet on command. I’d been waiting for a time when she was wanting to bark but not in an anxious way so her brain was still engaged enough for the lesson, and randomly, in the middle of everything moving around, I found that moment today. 10 minutes later and I had a dog that definitely understood the two commands so when dd1 came in a few hours later I was able to show off this new trick she had mastered. Even I was very impressed at how quickly she got it. 😁 Why teach an already anxious dog to bark I may hear you ask? Because she now has a clearer idea of what Quiet actually means. The idea being that when she starts barking at something (like the neighbour), I now have a way to communicate that I would like her to stop before she gets carried away and the braincells leave the party. It will take practice obviously, but getting her to understand the concept is a great first step. 🙂

Cherryfudge

One thing that may be worth considering is whether you could get a relief post, in which case you can simply turn down work if you are in pain. I have two relief jobs (and have just sent in an application for a third) and while the money isn't huge, it would allow you to do freelance, part time post or short-term as well if you found the right thing. I find having the extra time at home is useful as I'm not spending on fares or work clothes and can cook from scratch. However, we do have DH's income (part time plus pension) which makes all the difference.

daisy_1571

Fabulous getting little dog to speak, very useful command and without it you can't teach quuet so well done little dog  💕 

That's a good idea cherryfudge 

EatingBeans

Another fairly productive day today considering how much pain I was in. My jaw problem on the other side was playing up (TMJ) as well as my Trigeminal Neuralgia today. I’m not too sure why the TMJ kicked off, (best guess is I slept funny on it), but I can always tell when it is the TMJ because I struggle to open my mouth. 😶 Still, I am still feeling pretty upbeat at the minute. Yes it hurts a lot sometimes, but I still consider myself lucky to be alive after the motorway accident that caused it all. It definitely could have been a lot worse. Many painkillers later I got on with my day. 🙂 

So, today’s biggest success was sorting through a huge pile of clothes to decide what to keep/sell/bin. I am not expecting it to make lots of cash, but every little helps and it will be good to clear the house of a bit more clutter if nothing else.

ellenvan

One person's trash is anothers treasure.
Recycle reuse and even a little cash is useful at this time of year. Wishing you luck with your listings.

MayDogsandCoffee

My dog will bark on command with hand signal too.  Very useful when that teams meeting has gone on a little too long, and I can wrap it up because 'I think the dog needs to go out

EatingBeans

lol I will have to remember that one! @MayDogsandCoffee