Freeloading friend, was I right to say anything?

Rosa_Damascena

Brie said:

I have a good friend who always orders more when we're splitting the tab.  Annoys me as I earn a small fraction of what he does.  I could say I'll pay mine and you pay yours but I never have.  But he's generous in other ways, gifts, rushes to my rescue so I figure it's just pay back but in a different way.  

But if you feel you're being taken advantage of then it may be time to end the friendship.  Alternative is to insist on money up front.

If that is the case, the friendship will cool down by itself and not require a formal line to be drawn under it.

I fear the mean-spirited nature of the OP's friend is causing resentment disproprtionate to the actual sums involved.

Flatfacedcat

About the fuel consumption: cars don't consume more fuel with 1 extra person inside, so when someone decides to pick an extra 77-100 kg of weight in their vehicle it makes no difference to the fuel consumption for the same covered distance.

About the principle of fair play: given that in the past your friend also clearly reminded you that she was expecting you to honor your promise, is totally okay that this time - when was your turn - you also reminded her that your mom is expecting her to honor her promise.

JReacher1

Asking your plus one to a wedding to pay your mum £20 petrol money seems strange. Was she not doing you a favour by accompanying you? 

Bookowl

_Penny_Dreadful said:

Bookowl said:

Hello,
I have a friend who’s a free loader and only realised this recently.
My friend was a my +1 at a wedding and my mum picked her up (I can’t drive due to a disability) and dropped us off on day of at wedding. The agreement was she’d pay £20 petrol for my mum doing this.
She hasn’t paid it. After, she left I text her re the £20. 

Now I’m wondering if I did the right thing by saying anything?

this isn’t the first time she’s done something like this. Years ago we went to New York and I paid train from where we were staying in Philadelphia and the hotel. She never paid it! 

She did pay my lunch, dinner and a play we went to see in London for a big birthday. She had a taste card and the restaurants we went to had buy 1 get 1 free and half price deals. All that wouldn’t have amounted to the cost I paid for the hotel and train. 

If it was the the other way round she wouldn’t be too long asking me for money. We went to Edinburgh fringe and went to Nando’s. She was straight on the phone  asking for my half and she got narky with me, that I was a few days late paying it. 

She’s a really good friend but equally I don’t want her taking advantage and freeloading 

How much did you pay your mum for petrol? £20 each sound like quite a lot unless it was a long journey. If I invited someone as my plus one to a wedding I wouldn’t make them go halves on transport. 

It could be that your friend thinks it all evens out. You could have a frank conversation with your friend about it. I’ve known people who thought they were being taken advantage of but turns out they were the ones in the red. I’ve also known people like an ex-friend who would demand the 20p you borrowed the very next day whilst still owing you £20 from weeks ago. “Sure Claire, so that’s £19.80 you now owe.” 

The journey was an hour each way.
The halves (£20 each) on the transport was more about my mums kindness in picking my friend up from the airport and drop us off to the wedding. I wanted my friend to make her own way to our house. My mum wouldn't hear tell of it, as she was thinking it would be extra time and money onto my friends journey. That's in my mums nature to go out of her way o help others.
My friend knew ahead of time re the £20 and she agreed to pay it. But then didn't follow through on this. I felt as though my friend didn't appreciate picking her up from airport or dropping us from airport.

Bookowl

MEM62 said:

Based on the OP's original post I am not seeing a lot of freeloading going on.  Unless, off course, there is more to the story that has not been shared. A difference in how some expenses are viewed, yes, but freeloading, I don't see it. 

Definition from merriam Webster: freeloading- to impose upon another's generosity or hospitality without sharing in the cost or responsibility involved :

She'd agreed to pay £20 and I reminded her several times while she was visiting. She said yeah i’ll go cash point and then never did. She could've easily bank transferred me the £20. Which makes me now think she never actually intended to pay it in the first place.

Bookowl

JReacher1 said:

Asking your plus one to a wedding to pay your mum £20 petrol money seems strange. Was she not doing you a favour by accompanying you? 

Why does it seem strange?
My mum also picked her up from the airport and went out of her way to do so.
I initially wanted my friend to make her own way to my house. My mum wouldn't hear tell of it and insisted she pick her up. That's in my mums nature to go out of her way for others.

My friend knew ahead of time about the £20 and agreed to pay it. She didn't follow through on this. Further, she kept saying she needed to go to cash point but she could've easily bank transfered me the money. I actually now think she'd never any intention ever to do so.

From my view point you don't have someone pick you up from an airport and go out of their way to do so. Be welcomed into their home and then just take advantage of their kindness.

Bookowl

Thanks all for the comments. Mixed opinions and I guess each has their own way of looking at things.

Further, my friend said she'd ordered a gift for the newleyweds. She left a gift bag at my house….no gift has ever arrived and nor do I think it was ever ordered. Before, she left my house, she wasn't forthcoming about an estimated time of delivery or if it needed to be signed for.

I asked her repeatedly for the company and tracking reference number so I could complain on twitter. She point blank ignored me on the several occassions I asked. I also asked her if she could chase up delivery time and again she completely ignored me.

To leave a gift bag to throw me off the scent that was sneaky! 

LightFlare

Flatfacedcat said:

About the fuel consumption: cars don't consume more fuel with 1 extra person inside, so when someone decides to pick an extra 77-100 kg of weight in their vehicle it makes no difference to the fuel consumption for the same covered distance.

About the principle of fair play: given that in the past your friend also clearly reminded you that she was expecting you to honor your promise, is totally okay that this time - when was your turn - you also reminded her that your mom is expecting her to honor her promise.

Don’t know which man in which pub told you that but it’s false on many levels.

The difference may or may not be noticeable (depending on some factors) but it’s there.

Pollycat

Bookowl said:

Thanks all for the comments. Mixed opinions and I guess each has their own way of looking at things.

Further, my friend said she'd ordered a gift for the newleyweds. She left a gift bag at my house….no gift has ever arrived and nor do I think it was ever ordered. Before, she left my house, she wasn't forthcoming about an estimated time of delivery or if it needed to be signed for.

I asked her repeatedly for the company and tracking reference number so I could complain on twitter. She point blank ignored me on the several occassions I asked. I also asked her if she could chase up delivery time and again she completely ignored me.

To leave a gift bag to throw me off the scent that was sneaky! 

Bookowl said:

She’s a really good friend but equally I don’t want her taking advantage and freeloading 

She really doesn't sound like a good friend.
Or even a friend at all.

saajan_12

Bookowl said:

_Penny_Dreadful said:

Bookowl said:

Hello,
I have a friend who’s a free loader and only realised this recently.
My friend was a my +1 at a wedding and my mum picked her up (I can’t drive due to a disability) and dropped us off on day of at wedding. The agreement was she’d pay £20 petrol for my mum doing this.
She hasn’t paid it. After, she left I text her re the £20. 

Now I’m wondering if I did the right thing by saying anything?

this isn’t the first time she’s done something like this. Years ago we went to New York and I paid train from where we were staying in Philadelphia and the hotel. She never paid it! 

She did pay my lunch, dinner and a play we went to see in London for a big birthday. She had a taste card and the restaurants we went to had buy 1 get 1 free and half price deals. All that wouldn’t have amounted to the cost I paid for the hotel and train. 

If it was the the other way round she wouldn’t be too long asking me for money. We went to Edinburgh fringe and went to Nando’s. She was straight on the phone  asking for my half and she got narky with me, that I was a few days late paying it. 

She’s a really good friend but equally I don’t want her taking advantage and freeloading 

How much did you pay your mum for petrol? £20 each sound like quite a lot unless it was a long journey. If I invited someone as my plus one to a wedding I wouldn’t make them go halves on transport. 

It could be that your friend thinks it all evens out. You could have a frank conversation with your friend about it. I’ve known people who thought they were being taken advantage of but turns out they were the ones in the red. I’ve also known people like an ex-friend who would demand the 20p you borrowed the very next day whilst still owing you £20 from weeks ago. “Sure Claire, so that’s £19.80 you now owe.” 

The journey was an hour each way.
The halves (£20 each) on the transport was more about my mums kindness in picking my friend up from the airport and drop us off to the wedding. I wanted my friend to make her own way to our house. My mum wouldn't hear tell of it, as she was thinking it would be extra time and money onto my friends journey. That's in my mums nature to go out of her way o help others.
My friend knew ahead of time re the £20 and she agreed to pay it. But then didn't follow through on this. I felt as though my friend didn't appreciate picking her up from airport or dropping us from airport.

So here you're focusing on what the friend agreed to, even if it was grossly unfair from an equitable perspective. The airport pick up, when they're then coming directly to the wedding is arguably part of the travel to the wedding, which is usually on the person inviting, as is the wedding gift. 

Bookowl said:

this isn’t the first time she’s done something like this. Years ago we went to New York and I paid train from where we were staying in Philadelphia and the hotel. She never paid it! 

She did pay my lunch, dinner and a play we went to see in London for a big birthday. She had a taste card and the restaurants we went to had buy 1 get 1 free and half price deals. All that wouldn’t have amounted to the cost I paid for the hotel and train. 

Whereas here you're saying regardless of the agreed split, its the fairness that counts

IMO this is all just misaligned expectations on how expenses work.. I'd suggest discusisng clearly if its bothering you. Be prepared for friend to walk away as IMO you're being just as unreasoanble.