Need to stop spending and chasing dopamine!

Pink_Butterfly

It’s bank holiday Monday and I feel STUFFED 🐷 I went out for lunch with a couple of friends and HOLY MOLY… I feel like I ate too much! It was just a mozzarella & tomato panini but it was super filling and I feel very uncomfortable now 😂 Not only that but I’m pretty sure there was red onion in it so I’ve got that horrible after taste it gives.

Weirdly I had already seen one of the friends I went out with in my local coffee shop this morning. I’d taken DD2 there for a milkshake and my friend was in there with her family. I’d also been out with her for a coffee & a walk yesterday with another friend, so I saw her 3 times in 24 hours 🤣 She only came home from her 2 week holiday on Friday lol… I’ve seen her enough now 😉

DD1 has been at her friend’s house pretty much all day so I feel like I’ve hardly seen her. I’ll be seeing her all day tomorrow though as I’m taking her and DD2 out to their favourite shopping centre to make up for the disastrous day out in London last week 😉 My mum is also coming with us, so if DD2 struggles then one of us can sit with her while the other carries on shopping with DD1. Team work 😎 We also have an open day return train ticket so as long as it’s off peak we can get any train. It was only £5 more so worth the cost!

Right, I need to go, DD2’s super healthy fish finger sandwich is ready 😆

Pink_Butterfly

It’s been a week 😭

It started off well. Me & my mum took the girls out to Birmingham for a fun shopping trip. They spent their vouchers and my mum also bought them tonnes of make-up, skincare, toiletries etc. I also bought some nice make-up 😍 We had a great time.

Unfortunately since then it’s gone downhill with DD2 and my job 😭

DD2 started her new secondary school and she haaaaates it 😢 She wants to go to a different school so she can be with some of her close friends. I don’t know what to do. She’s only done 3 days but there have been many tears.

Also, I discovered that she has been ignoring her besties all summer! One friend in particular had been calling and messaging her constantly, practically begging her to meet up 💔 DD2 claims she didn’t see her messages or missed calls but I don’t believe her. I think it’s all centred around the fact she’s blatantly autistic 😥 She still loves her friends and wants to stay friends with them but she also feels overwhelmed when it comes to messaging them and meeting up. She did go out with some friends over the weekend, but it was sprung on her, and she got into a massive flap before hand. It was the first I noticed her stimming 😔

As for my job, well, it’s the same people who are making me hate it & I'm still stalking the recruiters pages. Unfortunately the job market is dead.

So, not a positive update I’m afraid. I’m meant to be going away with OH in a few days but I don’t want to go. I just want to look after my baby girl 🥺

Pink_Butterfly

It’s been a much better day. The head of SENCO at DD2’s new school called me and we had a long conversation about how she’s struggling with the transition. She said she will set up a meeting next week with me, her, DD2’s dad, and the head of year 7 to discuss ways of helping her. She acted on my concerns very quickly, as about an hour after our conversation, DD2 went to go to her English class but she was told she could arrive late, as I’d told the SENCO lady that she was struggling with the huge amount of students there, so they said she can go to her lesson when the corridors were quieter. I’m quite impressed 🙂

The girls are at their dad’s tonight but DD2 has been texting me saying she’s been chatting to some of her old friends, which is lovely. She also confided in one of her newer friends today about how she’s been feeling. I’m glad she’s opening up more. I just hope she can feel settled into her new school soon. It’s such a culture shock for children who go from primary school to secondary school 😭 especially if they’re neurodivergent!

I’ve been making the most of my child-free evening by seeing a close friend, who sorted my roots out, and watching old YouTube videos. It’s been so relaxing! I did do some washing too so I’ve not been tooooo lazy 😉 I think I needed a chilled out evening. It’s been quite full on recently.

My mum’s birthday is coming up and her birthday present arrived today. I also had ordered a Christmas pressie 😍 It’s that time! I need to get super organised this year because we have 23 people to buy for 😭

OH has just woken up as he’s going to work in about 40 minutes, so I’m going to go and say hello to him now and get ready for bed x

Pink_Butterfly

Just quickly saying hello as I’m about to go to the airport! Me & OH are off to Tenerife for a few days. To be honest, as much as I need this break, I don’t want to go as it means leaving the girls (especially DD2 with how she’s feeling) 💔 I know they’ll be ok with their dad, and my parents are around to help (my dad flew home a couple of days ago), but DD2 is such a mummy’s girl and she gets anxious. I’ve reassured her that I’ll have my phone with me so we can call & text. She was meant to be meeting up with one of her besties tomorrow but the girl’s mum messaged me last night cancelling due to poor behaviour 😞 Luckily another friend of hers might be free to go. Hopefully anyway.

I got a pedicure done last night, and an eyebrow wax. My nails were done the night before and my hair was done the night before that 🤣 so I’m holiday ready! I’m going to enjoy not being at work for a few days I must admit… although some of the things that have been getting me down kind of got resolved this week 🙏🏼

See you on the other side! ✈️

Pink_Butterfly

Hey hey! I’m backkkkk 😁 I had a lovely time away with OH. I was dreading going as you know, but I don’t think I realised how much I needed that break! I feel SO much better now, like that horrible big black cloud has disappeared (I’m pretty sure I had mild depression in July & August). I struggled on the first night and cried about being away from the kids, particularly DD2, but I think it was also because I was knackered as I’d been up since 3am and had obviously spent a lot of the day travelling. After that I quickly relaxed though, and I was able to enjoy myself. We didn’t do loads but that’s what I needed - just some time around the pool, sipping cocktails and reading a book (I actually forgot to bring my books, but a lovely lady who we got chatting to kindly gave me one she’d just finished reading ☺️). OH didn’t love the food at the hotel so we went out for dinner a couple of times. All in all it was lovely, but now we’re home I’m in full autumn mode 😍 It is my favourite season after all!

Me & my ex had the meeting at DD2’s school today with the head of year 7 and the SENDCO lady. Both were absolutely wonderful and listened to us (mainly me 😂) blabber on about what DD2 is like as a person and what she’s been struggling with. They’re going to put a few things in place for her and then we will have a follow up meeting in 5 weeks time to see how she’s getting on. I have been seeing some slight improvements over the last few days, so I’m hoping she’s already starting to feel more settled. She went to the drama after school club earlier this week, which I’m so pleased with as drama really is her thing and her favourite subject. She was also told by her form tutor that’s she’s got the most amount of house points… out of the WHOLE of year 7!!!! Bearing in mind that’s about 300 kids 😱 I’m so proud of her for that, because it shows that she’s trying really hard despite feeling anxious & rubbish about being there.

I’ve been buying a few Christmas & birthday presents, and some clothes for me & the kids. And make-up for me 😉 All within budget! My plan for this weekend is to sort out mine & the girls’ wardrobes and get as much as I can on Facebook marketplace, Vinted etc… there is sooooo much stuff here! I reckon I could wipe out the debt with the amount we have here 😉😂

I’ve transferred £6.60 from TopCashbook which can pay for DD2’s lunch money next week (she’s going through a lot of food there but I don’t mind as it’s one of the few things she actually likes in school 😂). I’ve been trying to think of other things that will help her to be more comfortable in school. I’m contemplating getting her some loop earplugs to help block out the sound, as she finds the school really noisy. I’ve also said to her that I don’t mind her wearing some light make-up if she wants - she absolutely loves make-up and experimenting with it, but obviously she can’t do her usual and wear a full face of glam to school 😂 It wouldn’t surprise me if she’s a make-up artist when she’s older, as she is always trying to perfect her application and she enjoys doing it (and buying the products… she has way more than me!). Anyway, I thought if she wears a bit of make-up in school then it might make her feel better. Not that she needs it - she’s beautiful without it!

OH gets paid tomorrow. I’m not sure how much - he’s probably got his pay slip now but he’s asleep so I can’t ask him 😂

DD1 seems to be settling into year 9 ok. We are meeting her new form tutor next week which I’m sure will be good. She’s a great student - we are extremely lucky. As far as teenagers go we won the jackpot with her 😍 She’s bright, funny, resilient, has loads of (nice) friends, still does as she’s told, and as far as I know she doesn’t do anything she shouldn’t (like vaping). DSD is a very good girl too. Surely we can’t be lucky 3 times?! 😂

I’m going to clean up the kitchen now. I did pasta bolognese and garlic bread but tried to sneak some veg into it and the girls noticed, so refused to eat most of it. So that was a fail but plenty of leftovers for tomorrow! x

Pink_Butterfly

Happy Saturday! I’m so happy it’s the weekend 😊 I’m currently in bed drinking a glass of chilled latte 😍 I slept well for the first time in ages and I feel so much better! OH is at work so I have the bed to myself. He’s just messaged to say his throat feels like he’s about to get ill… uh oh! I’m not surprised though as we were on a flight 4 days ago and the air con on them planes are great for spreading germs. The girls are currently still sleeping.

OH’s pay packet was a decent one again so I’ve paid off the Portugal holiday deposit on the Barclaycard, as well as the Next account (which had stuff for DD2’s school uniform and some bits for the house) and the Very account (which was for nephew’s birthday present - he’s 4 tomorrow 😭).

A lot of my online shopping orders have been delivered. Some are staying and some are being returned, which isn’t a bad thing as it means my “fun money” pot gets a boost 🤣 My Charlotte Tilbury order came with a free lip kit which DD2 spotted and wanted, so I said if she can walk home from school and prove she’s a responsible person & looks after the house key etc then she can have it. She had wanted to walk home with her friend anyway, so it wasn’t like she didn’t want to. Not picking her up from school meant I could pick DSD from her school and save OH from doing it, so he got a decent sleep before his shift. DSD’s school is about a 5-10 minute drive from my office but the opposite way home, so it’s a bit of a pain, but needs must. She wants to move schools but her mum won’t let her. Anyway, DD2 did well walking home from school and she seemed happy, so the lip kit was rewarded to her!

Today’s plans… take DD2 out this morning to get her friend a birthday card. Then take her to said friend’s birthday party, which is in a place where there are lots of shops & restaurants and the parking is hell on a Saturday, so that’ll be fun 🙈 I’ll probably end up staying & mooching around the shops while she’s there. I’ll be able to return the things I ordered from River Island while I’m there actually 😊 DD1 wants to get her friend a voucher for her birthday so I will take her to get that at some point too. She needs some more clothes so I might suggest that she comes with me when I drop DD2 off at her party… she’ll do it if I say I’ll also get her a bubble tea 😂😂

I also need to sort out our clothes like I said the other day but if I don’t get time today then I’ll do it tomorrow.

Time for a shower and to get ready for the day!

Pink_Butterfly

About an hour after I posted yesterday, I received a message from my ‘close friend’ who I thought had ghosted me. I think I wrote in here about it a month or so ago. It was the first time she had messaged me in 3.5 months. It wasn’t that long ago when we used to message 100 times a day, and whilst I don’t expect that level to continue, I was also shocked to not hear from her at all. This woman has been in my life for over 14 years. She knows alllll my secrets, and I know hers. We have been through so much together. We had kids at the same time, went through separations at the same time, and tried to navigate the horrendous dating pool at the same time 😬🙈 We even went on holiday together, plus numerous trips to London, which was kind of halfway between us, and I’ve got so many good memories with her. She was my ride or die, my soul sister, and I would’ve done anything for her. Literally anything.

I felt her go distant before she stopped contact which was difficult in itself, and I kept wondering what I’d done wrong. In her message she explained she had been busy with work, but that’s not unusual for her - she’s always busy. And it takes 2 minutes to send a message. I’m not buying that as the reason why I’ve not heard from her. She’s a serial texter, and she’s been stupidly busy in the past but it never stopped her from sending 20 minute voice notes to me. If something bad had happened (illness, break up, family bereavement etc) she would’ve told me.

Our child-free weekends don’t align, and until this year I would always swap with my ex so I could meet her. However, now that DSD is in my life, I need to think of her aswell, and unfortunately her mum isn’t accommodating or approachable so even if I could swap with my ex, I couldn’t swap with DSD’s mum, meaning she would still be in our care. As OH works most weekends it’s me who does the bulk of the parenting, and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone all day whilst I go out to meet up with my friend. She would be lonely & bored. My friend has never travelled to me in the whole time we’ve known each other and has majorly hinted that she wouldn’t want to travel the 100 miles to my house, so that wouldn’t be an option. I explained to her that swapping weekends was going to be a lot more difficult now, and that I may need her to swap with her ex instead. I then suggested the August BH weekend as we were both child-free then, and that’s when she ghosted. She was meant to be confirming which days during that weekend she could do, but she never did. I’ve not seen her in 16 months because it’s been impossible trying to get her to commit to a date.

She wants us to meet up, but honestly I don’t know if I want to see her any more. Her silence really hurt me and it made me reevaluate our friendship and how I see her. She didn’t congratulate me when I announced my nephew’s birth on social media. She doesn’t know about my promotion - something I usually would’ve shared with her instantly. She didn’t reach out when I said DD2 was struggling with secondary school. My low mood over the summer was partly because of her pulling away from me and feeling that rejection. I even had to mute her social media accounts so that her posts didn’t show on my feed, as I found them too upsetting. I was grieving.

I’ve not replied to her yet, because at this point I don’t know what to say. I need time to figure out if this friendship is something I want to continue, or if I should just close the chapter here. The cynical side of me thinks she needs me for something and that’s why she’s reached out, but I’m only guessing. I had actually accepted that our friendship was over and dealt with the grief, and since my holiday I have been in a much better head space, but reading her message has made me feel sad & angry. I honestly wish she hadn’t text me 😭

Anyway, moving on!

DD1 ended up agreeing to coming shopping with me yesterday whilst DD2 was at her friend’s party, but it didn’t go to plan. She was in a very big “teenage” mood, and nothing I suggested was right 😂 Didn’t like the shops, didn’t like the clothes, so after a while I gave up and we just sat in a cafe with a hot chocolate. Then her phone battery died, and it was like the world had ended 🤣 The longest 2 hours ever!

I’ve done a big sort out of our clothes but the amount of stuff we have is so overwhelming. I’ll deal with it all another day 🙈 The good news is our wardrobes have more space now, and all our summer stuff that we are keeping is in the canvas bags under our bed. The bad news is I don’t have enough clothes for autumn/winter 🤣 D’oh!

Today we went to my nephew’s birthday party, and then had a lovely roast dinner at home, followed by a nice walk 😊

Oh, and Strictly Come Dancing is back! My favourite show and the only time that I demand the TV 🤣🤣🤣 No-one else in my family watches it but I don’t care 😉 lol x

Pink_Butterfly

I messaged my friend back this morning, and she was very apologetic in her reply, so I feel a bit better now. That’s not to say I can just forget all the hurt, but her message seemed sincere, and she took ownership & didn’t get defensive. I’m sure we can rebuild our friendship in time. I still feel a bit fragile but hopefully things will get better between us 🙏🏼 The challenge now is to find a date to meet up 🙈

DD2 has had a mixed week at school so far. Yesterday she did cross country, and came 5th 😱 She is not a runner at all bless her, and usually comes last in sports day, so she was absolutely buzzing about this! She also went to the drama after school club again today and enjoyed it 🙂 She is however struggling with the homework, which was set yesterday. I’ve not had her since it was set as she’s been with her dad, but she has been texting me saying she’s struggling. I messaged her dad asking him to help her as it’s hard for me to do over the phone but he said he was busy doing laundry & cooking his dinner 🙄 so I guess I’ll be helping her tomorrow evening! Both girls have a dentist appointment after school tomorrow aswell so we are going to be busy 😬

I went out for dinner with a friend from work last night. She had received an offer which was buy one main get one free, so a main, side, dessert, and a drink was only £26! Bargain! It was nice catching up with her 🙂

Money… the minimum payment on the credit card will go out tomorrow. The balance afterwards will be £7.919.99. We are likely going to be adding to our debt soon 😭 which PAINS me to say, but OH’s car is probably going to die, so he needs a decent replacement. He’s already started looking. We will probably get a bank loan to pay for it due to the lower interest rates. I’m not happy about it but I knew this would happen - his car has been awful since he bought it 10 months ago 🙈 It was a terrible decision. He’d better not make another terrible decision when he buys his next one 😉

Pink_Butterfly

Thank God It’s Friday!

I’m just about to head out with a couple of friends for drinks. And boy do I need it 😂

DD1 decided to scare the life out of me yesterday when I couldn’t track her after she left school to walk home. I was texting & calling her but it appeared her phone was off. I called her friend’s mum but she didn’t answer. Then I could track her, but it said she was in a very strange place that isn’t part of her normal route home. I was in the office so asked OH to go there, but when he got there he couldn’t see her. I was in such a panic so left the office, thinking all sorts. OH finally found her walking near my mum & dad’s house with her friends, so I went to get her. She told me her phone wasn’t working properly - basically she couldn’t get any data and it only worked when she had wifi. Her dad is going to look at her phone tonight. I was just glad she was ok!

Poor DD2 was in OH’s car when he went to look for her. She was very anxious and upset. By the time I saw her she was in her bedroom, stood up, and squeezing the life out of her fidget toy. She told me she was scared that DD1 was hurt or not ok in some way and when she finally saw her she cried with relief. I felt sad that she wasn’t shielded from it all. It took a while for her tummy pains to stop.

Looks like DD1 may need a new phone from Santa!

In other news, we met her new form tutor last night, but it was a waste of time! He was very unprepared, didn’t know anything about her, and just asked us what her hobbies & interests are. He told us if we have any issues then we can e-mail him but he couldn’t remember his e-mail address 😂 We were there for 5 whole minutes. It meant missing the open evening at DD2’s school, which from what I’ve heard seemed to be much better.

I need to dash off now, but I’ll just quickly add that work has been rubbish, I saw my parents briefly last night (first time I’d seen my mum in over 2 weeks and my dad over 2 months!), my banking app is down so I can’t update my budget spreadsheet on today’s spends (OH has been golf) and I’m slacking on my steps so I need to, errrr, step it up 😂

I’m off to get tipsy 😁 x

Pink_Butterfly

My friends and I came fifth (out of 16) in the music quiz when we went out for drinks. Not bad! It was a fun night 🙂

Overall I had a very nice weekend. Me & OH went out for lunch and I treated myself to a few things (out of my fun money!). I also took my mum out for brunch, and we had a mooch around the shops. It was nice to spend some time with her ❤️

I’ve made a dent in the Christmas shopping 😁 so far I’ve bought:

An Issey Miyake gift set for OH’s 18-year-old nephew

A Charlotte Tilbury set of 3 blushes kit for OH’s youngest niece (she’s 15 but will be 16 before Christmas)

4 pairs of Snoopy socks for my sister-in law (she is obsessed with Snoopy). I have also got her a Charlotte Tilbury lip kit as she’s a lippy fan.

A cute personalised highland cow fleece robe for my baby nephew, and a toy 🥰 I’ve now finished buying for him.

So, not bad! Still lots to get - I need to get organised this year as we have many people to buy for 😬

I’ve also bought a present for OH’s niece for her 16th birthday. Boots were doing a fantastic offer on a lovely set of Real Techniques make-up brushes (£60 but I paid £29.50) so I snapped it up! Her birthday is in early December so I’m well prepared 😊 I’ve also bought OH a couple of presents for his birthday (also December). I have ordered him a new Spurs football shirt for this season which was on offer with Very, and I got him some Tom Ford fragrance that he wanted, again on offer. Thankfully he didn’t want the new tobacco & chocolate one 🤢 who wants to smell like an ashtray?! Grosssss.

My dad went back to Saudi Arabia over the weekend, so I won’t see him now until Christmas. He’s very overweight which scares me but the doctor has just increased his mounjaro dose so hopefully he’ll start dropping more weight soon 🤞🏼 Not sure if I’ve ever said on here but he had a stroke 3 years ago and ever since then I’ve been scared about his health. He’s soooo so big 😢 I hate it. But hopefully the jab will help 🙏🏼

DD1 helped her school this evening with their open evening. I messaged her to see how it went and she said it was good. A couple of my friends went as they have sons in year 6 so I will ask them if they saw her 😁 hehe. DD2 has signed up to help her school later this week too 🙂

I’m so tired tonight. I went for a walk a couple of times today which has taken me to almost 10K steps for the first time in a while 😊 I was tempted to not go out walking due to the tiredness but I pushed through 😉 I might be brave and weigh myself in the morning. I’ve not weighed myself in 2 months and I’m pretty sure I’ve gained 🙈 Scared 🤣