Need to stop spending and chasing dopamine!

Pink_Butterfly

Hey hey! I hope everyone is having a good week! Mine has been up & down… I’ll explain why in a bit…

We have finally found some dining chairs we like! It took us long enough 😂 They were in the Next sale, and they’re pretty. I’m not sure when they’ll be delivered yet. We still need to order DD2’s bedroom furniture, and DSD needs a couple of bits too. Luckily we don’t have a mortgage payment due it being the first month so we can pay for all of these things 😁 lol.

I sold an item on Vinted for £15. Spent the money on a chippy tea for the kids tonight as we were rushing around after school as they had a hair appointment, and I needed to log onto my work laptop as soon as we got home as it’s the month end madness 🤪

Speaking of work, I officially got promoted yesterday 😊 Unfortunately yesterday was a terrible day despite the promotion and it’s actually made me physically ill. I get IBS flares if I’m stressed or anxious so I’ve been working from home as I didn’t fancy being in the office for obvious reasons! I rarely get flare ups now as life is generally lovely but yesterday was not good at all. A colleague is causing a lot of trouble and it’s getting me really down. OH has been great at supporting me and he even came home from work today with some flowers for me 🥰 He’s a sweetie. My boss has been a good support too and he’s putting things in place to resolve the issues. I’m sure it’ll get sorted out but I just hate it at the moment 😣

On a more positive note, DD2 had her final show at the theatre the other night and she was so good! She had more acting in this one and I know I’m biased but that girl definitely belongs on stage. She’s always been a bit of a drama queen 😂 I’m very proud of her. She did so well. Just 2 more weeks of chaos for her with various school events and then we can all have a decent break! 😍

DD1 has her HPV vaccination tomorrow 😷 I’m very needle phobic so even reading the e-mails from her school about it makes me feel nauseous 😂 They’re doing a “diversity dress day” tomorrow aswell and she’s decided she wants to wear a very short blue skirt with a white top, and then she’s putting temporary red dye in her hair 😬 I’ve told her I won’t be impressed if her school call me because what she’s wearing is not appropriate 😂 She reckons it’ll be ok. Hmmmmm. I can’t really say much as I also wore belts for skirts when I was her age 😂😂

DD2 also has a dress up day tomorrow as the school are raising money for charity in honour of the caretaker who passed away last year. I have no idea what she’ll be wearing though - she’ll probably tell me she has “nothing to wear” 🙄😂

OH is going to wake up in the next half an hour so I’m going to keep working a bit longer and then I can spend a couple of hours with him before he goes to work 🥰 He washed my car yesterday so it’s all sparkly & clean! For now… 😂😂 x

Pink_Butterfly

I need to stop leaving it so long 😂🙈 I’m sorry! Life is just so busy right now! So much so I’ve had to use annual leave to reduce my hours this week & next week 😬 There’s just so much happening with the kids and working full-time hours is impossible!

DD1 had an awards ceremony at her school 2 days ago which I went to and she came out with 4 awards, one of which she was top student for French homework in the whole school. She’s such a smarty pants 🤓🥰 She has had a crush on a boy at her school for a long time and I finally got to see what he looks like, as he was also at the awards ceremony. He’s VERY tall, so I can see why she likes him 😂 She’s also tall but we believe she’s stopped growing as she’s been the same height (5ft 7) for about a year now. OH is 6ft 2 yet we discovered the other day that he has the same leg length as DD1 😂 She has super long legs, whereas most of OH’s height is his long torso lol.

DD2 has had various things going on with her school this week, and there’ll be more next week as it’s her last week there 😭😭 She did the carnival last weekend with them to raise money for a local mental health charity. I was walking alongside the float so I got my steps in 😂 I was knackered afterwards! Her school also did a “colour run” event yesterday which meant she was absolutely covered in chalk 😂 It was EVERYWHERE! It was a lot of fun I must say and the kids loved it.

DD2 also did 2 days at her new secondary school this week. She wasn’t impressed that they made her do a maths test 😂 I explained that it was just so they know which class to put her in. We’ve ordered most of her uniform now. We just need to get some white shirts, new shoes, a bag, and some stationary. Then she’s all set 🥹 I’ve ordered some new uniform for DD1 too as she’s had the same blazers for 2 years now, so it was definitely time to replace them 🙂

My dad got home a couple of days ago which is nice 😊 He’s away with my mum this weekend for their wedding anniversary so I’ll catch up more with him next week.

I’m trying to think what else has been happening since my last update! I had my hair done. I went out for a meal with 3 close friends. One of my other friends came over to meet OH and see the house, as the last time I saw her was just before I moved in. We celebrated one of my brothers’ birthdays and got to cuddle the nephews 🥰 Work has been ok ish - I’m still having problems with the colleague I mentioned before, but my boss has informed the whole Board and I feel very supported with it. I do love them all very much. They treat me so well, and I know this issue will get sorted.

I almost forgot - DD2 has a new bed and it’s made her bedroom SO much better! We can actually walk around it now! We need to sell the dressing table and 2 bedside cabinets, and then we can buy her new furniture, which I’m SO excited about 😂

OH is currently doing his last delivery and then he’ll be going back to the yard and finishing for a couple of days 😊 We’re both planning on staying up to watch the England vs Norway World Cup game, but who knows if we’ll make it 😂 We’ll both be tired by half time I reckon lol.

Money wise, everything is ok at the moment, but I don’t know how much we can throw at the debt because we’ve got a holiday to Devon in just over a week, so we might only be able to pay the minimum payment on the credit card. We’ll see how much we spend in Devon!

I’m going to get a nice cold coffee now 😋 and then I might get back into bed! I’m feeling lazy x

Pink_Butterfly

Hello! I’ve got a spare 15 minutes so I thought I’d come on here 😂

I went to DD2’s school this morning to watch the end of year production, and it was very emotional! Most people were crying by the end. It was very good I must say. DD2 had a couple of parts and she did well 🙂 After the show we were able to go outside and have a picnic which was lovely.

It’s the school prom tomorrow and trying to find an outfit for DD2 has been challenging as she’s so fussy! Her original choice was from Shein, so nice and cheap - the dress, shoes & hair bows cost £11! However when it all arrived she said she didn’t like it. So we started hunting for another dress and the only one she liked was from Lipsy which was expensive 🙁 I couldn’t say no though, as DD1 had a spenny dress when it was her prom. Unfortunately I then had to order shoes which she is still yet to try on 😬 I ordered 5 pairs, so hopefully one of them will be ok 😂 It’s tough if she doesn’t like any haha.

Someone in the neighbourhood Facebook group posted asking for an emergency prom dress for her daughter, so I was a good person and delivered the Shein one to her 😇 Haha. At least it’s not gone to waste!

Yesterday I got home from work but couldn’t get into the house, as OH had put the chain on the door and he was in bed asleep! I called and messaged him but no luck, so I went to my parents’ house and stayed there until my nail appointment. He finally woke up just before I was leaving my nail lady’s house and he was very apologetic 🤣 This is the 2nd time he’s been on autopilot and put the chain on the door so I asked him to remove the chain, which he did.

I need to pick up the girls soon and then I think we are going to go to my mum & dad’s house after dinner to watch the England game. OH is going to the local club with my friends’ husbands to watch it there.

I need to dash but I promise this diary will be more about getting rid of debt soon 🤣

Pink_Butterfly

Hello! We’re going on a little break to Devon tomorrow so I thought I’d better come on here before we go! I’m so so so tired but unfortunately I’ve still got some packing to do 😩🙈 I wish I could pack light but I’m just not that girl 🤣 OH is out picking up DSD now and my 2 will be dropped off in the morning just before we go.

It’s been a busy and emotional few days, and I may have balled my eyes out in the school playground on Friday 😂 I was doing ok until DD2’s teacher hugged me, and then that was it! I feel so sad that the primary school era is over. I won’t lie, it’s made me so broody 😂 but I won’t be acting on that! I’ll just try and embrace this new chapter 🙂 I did love it when the girls were at primary school. The celebration assemblies, sports days, parents evenings… I loved it all. I wish I could do it again ❤️

I went out for dinner on Friday night with some friends to celebrate my promotion, and as I was still feeling emotional from DD2’s last day at primary school I had a very large glass of wine with my meal 😂 haha. It was very much needed!! The food was realllllly good.

Yesterday OH hosted a big family bbq for his mum, siblings and nieces & nephews. It was hard work but lovely, and one of his nieces did a fun game of 1% club for us which was great! I had to look after DD2 for a few hours as she didn’t want to go out with her dad and DD1, and her dad was going to leave her on her own, despite being a 45 minute drive away. I wasn’t amused!

I’m going to finish packing now. Speak to you when I get back! x

Pink_Butterfly

Wow, a whole month since my last update 😬 Sorry! To be honest my absence can be explained. I’m not in a good place mentally, and I have been struggling since the holiday to Devon. Also I feel like a bit of a fraud on here as we’re not paying off the credit card quickly at all, it’s just been the minimum payments.

I feel like the black cloud has come over me for a few reasons. I’m having issues with my job. A friend who I was incredibly close with has essentially ghosted me. And I’m also worried about DD2, which I’ll get into later.

My job feels like it’s suffocating me right now, and I don’t know if it’s what I want any more. I’ve been working in finance for 20 years and have verrry slowly worked my way up to where I am now, so I should be thrilled, but I’m just not. I feel like I’m still being micro managed, which I struggle with. My manager is a self confessed control freak. He is a lovely man, and I’m sure he would hate it if he knew how I’m truly feeling about my role, but he does not trust anyone and as a result he micro manages me & others. Often I don’t agree with his ways of working, but he’s trying to make me into a smaller version of him, which I don’t want.

I also don’t get the satisfaction that I want in a job, because at the end of the day it is all just reports, e-mails and spreadsheets. It’s not like I’m saving lives or making a huge difference to someone’s day! I really want to help people, preferably children. I would absolutely LOVE to foster, though we don’t have a spare bedroom, so we can’t do that. School jobs just don’t pay well at all (even though they should!) so I don’t think that’s an option either. I’ve been trying to figure it out with Chat GPT (my new therapist 🤣) but I don’t have the answer yet.

The friend 😥💔 It hurts. She was like my soulmate. We were so close. I know why it’s happened, and I know it isn’t anything I’ve said or done, but even though I have that closure it’s still painful. When someone is like a sister to you & then they’re not there any more it is like losing a limb. I know in time it won’t feel this heavy but it will take a while. I just wish she wanted to make the effort to see me, but behaviour is a language and she clearly doesn’t ☹️

As for DD2, there have been a few things with her recently that have made me concerned. DD1 doesn’t ever want to be around her (I think she just finds her annoying - the 22 month age gap seems a lot bigger right now because of the stages they’re both at), which breaks my heart as DD2 adores her and describes her as her best friend. What makes it worse is since leaving school she has hardly seen any of her friends, so she’s been quite isolated. I had a day off a couple of weeks ago and she saw one friend then, as me & the friend’s mum took them both to a country park, but that’s it. This week she’s at her new secondary school as they do a transition week for the new year 7s but an incident happened yesterday where she was trying to be funny but the 2 lads involved didn’t take it that way, and it resulted in the mums of these lads messaging about it in our group chat 😑 Absolutely mortifying. It wasn’t anything overly terrible (she took pics of them on her phone and shared in a group chat of about 10 of them which they didn’t like) and I told DD2 she must not do it in future but she got really upset and described it as ‘banter gone wrong’. She often has ‘banter’ with one of these boys and they have a love/hate relationship (we think she has a crush on him which she strongly denies!) so I don’t think she thought she was doing anything wrong, but it obviously did cross a boundary. Afterwards she felt embarrassed & humiliated which I didn’t want but she’s been at her dad’s house so I haven’t been able to comfort her. Luckily I get her back today. I just worry about her sometimes. She’s an overly loving, caring girl but she can be impulsive sometimes, plus she feels things deeply like I do, which isn’t good when it’s a sad or unpleasant feeling.

There have been good moments too. The break to Devon was mostly nice, despite the conflict between DD1 & DD2… 😞 OH has booked us a cheap holiday to Dubai next year for my 40th. Hopefully there will be no wars or anything by then! DD2’s wardrobe & chest of drawers arrived this morning so OH will build them soon. I can’t wait to get her bedroom clean & tidy! We sold her bedside units yesterday for £30 and someone is collecting her old bed tonight for £50 which has gone towards the new furniture.

Other good things - I’m still walking a lot, and I am getting to know some of the residents on the estate which is nice 😊 Me & OH went round a neighbour’s house one afternoon for a chat and they would top up our glasses whenever they were half empty. I was a bit tipsy by the time we left!

I’m trying to make plans with friends to boost my mood but it’s holiday season so most of them are busy. 23 days until I’m on a plane, which I’m hanging on to.

Anyway, that’s enough waffling… I’ll hopefully have a more positive post next time.

Pink_Butterfly

OH has just received his pay slip, and it’s his biggest one yet. It’s mainly because he got asked to do an extra shift last week and the whole lot was about £12 per hour more than what he’s normally paid. We need to sit & go through the budget when we are both free, as this pay packet is for September.

DD2’s new chest of drawers have been built ☺️ Her old bed has been collected, and OH will build her new wardrobe next week. It’s so nice being able to fold some of her clothes and put them away 😍

Humdinger1

Dearest @Pink_Butterfly, please hang on in there. It's hard to navigate being young and those mothers should have given credit for the place DD2 is coming from. No need to be spiteful, which is what this sounds like. It will soon resolve, I'm sure. You're doing brilliantly love Humdinger xx

Pink_Butterfly

Thank you @Humdinger1 🩷 I do wish that the mothers contacted me directly about it, rather than create some drama in the group chat. It wasn’t horrible or catty but it was definitely uncomfortable. I hate things like that 😑

Today is Saturday and I’m having an unusually chilled one. I feel run down and tired so I’m taking it easy. I did nip out this morning to the bank as we still can’t get DD2’s online banking to work (we’ve been trying for over 4 months!). The lady there said it was because one of the digits was wrong on the phone number registered to the account. I had already known this, but I was previously told it had been corrected… obviously not 🙄 We now need to wait 3 days and then we can apparently register her for online banking. It will be so good once she has it set up - I’m sick of checking her balance at the cashpoint 🤣

While we were in town OH took DSD to get some new school shoes. I think we have most of the school uniform for the girls now 🙏🏼 DD2 tried on her new uniform last night. She didn’t like it 🤣 but she wouldn’t have liked any of the school uniform around here. It’s all blazers and knee-length skirts and clip-on ties, which all make her teeth itch 😂 I still need to get her some more shirts, plus a couple of black jumpers, some long socks and/or tights, and some shin pads, and then I think we are done. I hope so anyway! I might order her a PE top in the next size up too, as the one she currently has is a bit snug, and she’s going through a growth spurt, so it won’t be long before it no longer fits her 😬 DSD and DD1 have both stopped growing now and it makes things sooooo much easier 🤣

I had a meeting at work yesterday with one of the Partners, who is like a mentor to me. I was honest about how I’ve been feeling the last few weeks and he told me off for not telling him sooner. I also told him I’d been looking at other jobs, and he really told me off then 🤣 Not in a shouty way, but more of a “talk to me before things build up” way. He did understand why I’ve been feeling the way I’ve been feeling once I explained it. We both care about my boss and we have a lot of empathy for him, but we also know he can be challenging sometimes with his ways, and that he really needs to try and be less controlling. My ‘mentor’ wants to set up a meeting with all 3 of us to find a better way of working together. I do respect my boss and I do like him as a person, but he can be overbearing at times because he doesn’t trust me (or anyone). My role is meant to make his life easier but he isn’t using it the way he should be, and instead he is acting like a ‘helicopter parent’ 😂 He’s spinning so many plates and it’s got to be hell for him. I do think he has the hardest job in our company, so I do appreciate it’s really tough for him, but if he isn’t careful then he will make himself unwell (as well as me!).

OH is currently in bed, DD1 is out with her friends, and the other 2 girls are chilling in their rooms, so I’m making the most of the peace & quiet by updating our little budget spreadsheet. Between now & the end of September we have got a day trip to London planned (all 5 of us), Tenerife (just me & OH), my mum’s birthday, my nephew’s birthday, and OH’s brother’s birthday, plus OH wants to do the front pads on his car and I want to order DD2’s dressing table once her wardrobe has been built. We booked next year’s holiday to Dubai on the credit card so we also need to pay that off. We might need to dip into the Christmas present fund to avoid paying interest but I’m hoping we won’t need to do that! I’m also hoping we can pay a chunk off the pesky credit card that OH had before I moved in 🙏🏼

We are having our first take away in months tonight so I’m looking forward to that. It also means no cooking, yay ☺️

Pink_Butterfly

OH and I have been trying to find a good family holiday for next year for quite a while. As there are 5 of us it’s quite expensive to go in the summer holidays but today we found an absolute bargain in Algarve, Portugal for a week (and it’s all inclusive). We actually thought there was a mistake on the website 😂 We checked on my phone and my laptop and it was about £1K more, even on the same website. We booked it and paid the deposit on my credit card (£300.00) and the balance will be paid in April when we get OH’s “bonus” payment (I’m not sure if I’ve said this before but OH gets paid every 4 weeks, so 13 payments a year). We might need to pay a bit more but it depends how much OH gets paid in April.

I feel happy knowing there are 2 holidays booked for next year. Holidays are my love language 😍 and the fact we’ve got them both at a really good price and we’re not getting into debt to pay for them makes me very happy!

Today I returned some school shoes to Next and picked up some more uniform bits for DD2. I also took out DD1 and DD2 to get a milkshake. DSD wanted to stay at home as she was playing a PlayStation game with her friends.

I also did some food shopping today, and the supermarket sounded like a soft play centre 😑 I was very overstimulated and couldn’t wait to get out of there 😂

Pink_Butterfly

Hey! It’s been a few days so I thought I’d better update! The house is actually silent for once, so I can actually concentrate 🤣 DSD has been with us all week but she went back to her mum’s house last night, and DD1 & DD2 are with their dad until tomorrow. OH is currently at work, so it’s just me here. I’ve been tidying and cleaning since I woke up and it’s making me feel much better, as I hate it when the house gets messy. If the house is messy then my brain can’t function properly! I need calm, and to have things in order, and I want every room to smell like all my various cleaning products 🤣 Even though we have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight it still isn’t clean enough for me!

I’ve also been going through a huge bag of clothes that the girls no longer fit into. I’ve put some bits on the neighbourhood WhatsApp group chat to see if anyone local wants anything. We’ll see. If they don’t then I’ll list anything decent on Vinted or eBay and then will charity shop/bin the rest.

The minimum payment went out on the Virgin CC the other day, and then I made an additional payment to bring the balance down to £7,999.99 😁 First milestone officially hit! My Barclaycard currently has a balance of £300.00 for the Portugal holiday deposit but I’ll clear that on 18th September when OH gets paid. Everything else is paid off 😊 except the mortgage of course, which is a horrible amount 🤣 We also have £1,209.11 in the savings account which is for Christmas.

We did the day trip to London a few days ago, and it didn’t quite go to plan. In fact I’d say the lack of planning was what got us into trouble 😬 DSD had never been to London before, and she really wanted to go to the Natural History Museum, so that was top priority. My 2 didn’t really want to go there as they’d been twice before, but I explained that it was important for DSD as she had never been. I had pre-booked the train tickets after exchanging some Tesco Clubcard vouchers for a Friends & Family railcard, and to save money I decided not to buy open return tickets, meaning we had to get on specific trains. I actually thought we were going to be sat twiddling our thumbs for part of the day, but the opposite happened, and we ran out of time to go to places that DD1 and DD2 wanted to go to, so they were a bit upset. DSD thought we were going to the museum and then straight home, so she also wasn’t in the best of moods as she didn’t really want to go anywhere else. Though I think she enjoyed M&M World and Hamleys in the end, plus the lunch at Wagamamas, and dinner at McDonalds!

I felt disheartened that all 3 girls weren’t happy with parts of the day. I blamed myself for not planning it better, and not communicating exactly how the day will be to them. All 3 girls have autistic traits and so planning and communicating the plans are very important.

DD2 struggled the most I think. She had a verruca and it was hurting her, so we bought her little donut cushion things to make it easier to walk which really helped. Unfortunately her legs were also hurting from all the walking, plus she felt really hot, and she was overwhelmed and overstimulated from the crowds. She does struggle bless her. I had to keep stopping with her so she could have a rest, which is partly why we ran out of time to do things. I think I need to start the process of an autism (and maybe ADHD) diagnosis for her soon as I’d say her symptoms are getting worse. Maybe because she’s going through puberty, I don’t know. I told my mum about it all afterwards and she agreed that she does seem to struggle more now and that she would help me with the doctors, as she knows I’m anxious about trying to get her assessed.

Work has been challenging again this week due to a certain individual but the bosses are aware and have my back. I was able to kind of switch off from it a couple of days ago as they threw a summer party for us all. We had a whole day of playing games and competing in sports day style races and it was a lot of fun 😊 There was also a free bar all day and plenty of food. It was nice to catch up with people who work in different offices. Most of my colleagues are super lovely ❤️ Some of them went out afterwards but I just came home because my social battery was dead 🤣 One colleague messaged me afterwards saying “Thank you for letting me grab a seat next to you. You're like a safe space for me. I was feeling overwhelm/sensory overload and just needed to eat lunch in peace” and it really moved me. It was the biggest compliment I could receive!

My social battery was recharged just in time for another social event last night with a group of friends. We went out for a really nice meal and a few drinks. It was a very good night. One woman couldn’t make it which was a shame but it was nice seeing the others 😊 The only negative was there was a man there playing the piano and we were sat very close to him, and it was LOUD 🤣 so I had to lip read sometimes lol. The money for it came out of my “fun spends” which still has £298.66 left, and a further £400.00 will be added to it on 1st September, so I’m doing well there!

I think that’s all the updates! Oh, except my brother’s ex (mother of my nephews) has been sending my mum nasty messages 😡 It’s not the first time this has happened. I know I’m biased but everyone who knows my mum will agree that she is the kindest soul and will do anything for anyone. One of her ‘faults’ is she’s not good at setting boundaries and she’s a bit of a people pleaser, however she has actually put her foot down about something, rightfully so, and my brother’s ex went mad at her. She’s made all of our lives hell over the years, including stopping us from seeing the eldest nephew for a whole year between the ages of 2 months and 14 months 💔 My brother spent £15K to get regular access and a court order so she can’t do it again. I’ve tried to forgive her and be nice to her but I’m kinda over it now I think. She’s just a cow. I feel for my nephews having her as a mother. It’s clear she can not cope with them, and I truly believe it’s because she didn’t want them in the first place. She isn’t the nurturing, loving mother they deserve. She only got pregnant so she didn’t have to work (she was constantly getting signed off before getting pregnant with the eldest). As soon as Universal Credit started making sounds about her going back to work she got pregnant again. My brother is just as stupid for letting it happen to be honest, though he knows this and now wants a vasectomy. He kept going back to her, even though she has been violent to him. She needs to be locked up!!

Anyway, rant over. I think I’ve said too much 🤣 but I treat this as an everything diary, not just a debt free diary!

Have a good Saturday peeps x