Travelling the unknown path of dealing with Mums passing

Savvy_sewing

This thing called life continually throws spanner’s in the works. Twists and turns we don’t expect and those that we do, but still catch us by surprise.
i have never had to deal with someone’s passing through the process of registering a death etc.
yes I have dealt with grief, Dad passed in 2015. But my brother dealt with the details.
last November when he died, he was in France and his partner and her Son dealt with things.
so it is left to me, and my Daughter to sort out Mums Death.

what do we need to do?
yes I have occasionally thought about when the time comes, but then felt that I was perhaps being morbid and it wasn’t the right time.
Two weeks ago the hospital said that she was Medically Fit to be sent home, and we’re going to send her home. We had a hospital bed and a commode delivered. Carers packages were being planned, and DGD and I went off on our annual holiday to Portugal for a week. Leaving DD to take on hospital visits until I got back and we expected Mum home. 

It was not to be. Mum took a turn for the worst, stopped eating, and I drove straight to the Hospital from the airport on Sunday night. 

A few swallows of yoghurt, or soup, but nothing substantial. Back on Oxygen. Mum was moved from Amber care to Palliative care on Tuesday. 

I sat beside her talking, holding her hand, as did DD and was told it was too late for her to go home, she wouldn’t survive the journey. 

And so Thursday tea time she took her last slow breath. The next didn’t come.
 Was given a booklet on what to do. Gathered her things, and had to leave her. 

Friday I had a call from the Bereavement team, telling me that I would hear from the Medical Examiner when they established the cause of death.
That call came in the afternoon,
fraility of old age. 

With instructions to telephone the registry office to book the appointment for Tomorrow to register the death. Asked which office I would be attending so they could email the information to them. 

So that I did. 

Between DD and I the various family and friends were also informed. 

The weekend has been a few days where we can’t do anything much but try to deal with our emotions. 

For me, it was awful being beside her bed for three days and two nights. My body was stiff, my mind was numb. I was so exhausted but I was relieved that she was not in pain anymore and that she could now be at peace. 

I know that I will be an emotional wreck tomorrow and when we get the green certificate to be able to make arrangements with the funeral director. 

But this weekend it was about sleep, walks, and quiet mixed with a few bites to eat, and what do I need to do now?
how will things affect my Universal Credit? How do I deal with the bank when there is no physical bank to walk into anymore?
How do I apply for Probate? do we need Probate?
 The mind just starts its ping pong of thoughts and then drifts off with a memory here and there. A sad thought a funny thought. 

There is no right way to do this, this grieving and mourning, remembering and wondering what next. 

Flugelhorn

I am sorry to hear of your loss - it is hard and you feel you ought be doing stuff but really there is plenty of time.

if there is a property or significant assets then you will need probate - re banks (and other organisations) phone the bereavement teams - sometimes a special number - they deal with this all the time and can sort things out and advise 

PS when you register the death there is the option to use the "tell us once" service - I used this when mother died, it informed State pension / attendance allowance / council tax / NHS pension / dvla / passport office / blue badge all in one go - saved quite a bit of time

Midlander59

Sorry for your loss. 

There are plenty of resources online as well as a booklet which you will receive when you register her death. Did she own a property? AgeUk has a good online resource and Gov.uk is a good place to start. 

Pollycat

Sorry for your loss.

This may help with the organisation/admin stuff:
Deaths, Funerals & Probate Board Sticky — MoneySavingExpert Forum

thegreenone

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I was in your shoes almost exactly four years ago, although I did have some idea having dealt with my brother's death some years before.

Definitely check out AgeUK for a checklist and go through it gradually.  A notebook or spreadsheet are vital.  Write down every call you make and the answers so you can go back over things.

A few things you need to do whilst waiting for the funeral:

Bank accounts:  
Is there no branch of your Mum's bank nearby (rad. 20 miles) that you can get to?  Yes the bereavement teams are, generally, very good but I found going into a branch so much easier.  Perhaps phone to report Mum's passing first and then when you get the DC go into a branch for it to be photocopied and sent to Head Office.  Having a face to face helps enormously to understand what's happening.  I didn't make an appointment.

Is there enough money in the bank accounts to pay for the funeral?  If so, ask the FD to send the bill directly to the bank.  If not, ask the FD for advice.  

Will:  Does Mum have a Will?  Was it made through a solicitor?  Who are they?

Go to Mum's and take all her paperwork back to yours for safe keeping.  From this make a list of all the people you will need to contact, utilities etc and definitely the Tell-us-Once service.

Probate:  If Mum owned a property, you will most probably need Probate.  You can do this yourself, as strongly advocated on here, but I couldn't so handed all the paperwork over to Mum's solicitor.  She had rewritten her Will and did LPA for me earlier that year.  They also held her property deeds and did the conveyancing for the sale.  Money well spent for me not to have the worry but everyone is individual.

UC:  (someone clarify for me) you will not inherit until Probate is granted, which could be months away. so don't worry about this.

After Mum's death, I realised that so much we do is online and when we pass, our boys won't have a clue so I have created our Book of Knowledge (it's actually an A4 ring binder!) which contains details of our Wills, Solicitor, utility companies, pension, bank accounts, car insurance providers (updated each year), and so on and on.  Make notes as you do things for Mum's estate so you can provide details for your daughter when the time comes.

It will take time but I would suggest to get as much of the paperwork done as soon as possible and then give yourself time to grieve.  However, everyone is different, you do it your way.  Things do get better.

sheramber

Sorry for your loss.

The first question is did mum have a will?

What estate does she leave?  Property, savings etc?

Get a notebook and write down  all the people that need to be notified
e.g.
bank- her accounts will be frozen but , if necessary, the funeral bill can be passed to the bank for payment. 

utilities

if she rented then her landlord

TV licence 

snyone else who needs to know

Contact the Bereavement team for each to tell them about her death. They will advise you what needs to be done for their organisation.

Make a note against your entry in the notebook of when you phoned, who you spoke to and what they said. 

You will not be able to remember it all so write it down. 

It also provides a reminder of who you have contacted 

YorksLass

Wise advice from @thegreenone.  The Age UK checklist is excellent.

My DH died 11 days ago and the only thing we (DS and I) have achieved so far is a meeting with the FD to discuss what kind of funeral we want and a phone call to his bank's Bereavement team so his account can be frozen.  I'll probably have to go into a branch once I have the documents they need.  And definitely yes to asking the FD to send the invoice directly to the bank.

We're waiting for an appointment with the Registrar to register the death and, until that happens, we'll not have a death certificate, green form for the FD or a reference number for the Tell Us Once service.  Just in case you didn't know, the five day countdown to register the death starts from when the Registrar receives the go ahead from the Medical Examiner/Coroner, not from the date of death so there's no need to panic if things aren't progressing as quickly as you'd expect.

Most of our utilities (not covered by the TUO service) are in my sole name and paid by me, so there'll not be any changes needed for most of them.  For the ones that are needed, I'll deal with them in due course and any over-payments will be refunded.

What I have done in the meantime is to gather together all the info/documents etc we'll need to deal with DH's affairs which should be relatively simple (no property, businesses, large investments etc) so I shouldn't have to get Probate but, if I do, then I know I can deal with it myself as I did for my late DF.  It's also prompted me to begin making up a pack for DS (a box file) containing all the important information and documents he will need when I depart.

My DH had terminal lung cancer so I've been mentally preparing myself for this for some time but it's still hard so take time to grieve.  The only other piece of advice I'd give is to accept all and any offers of help, you don't have to do everything yourself.

tooldle

In some places the paperwork needed for the registrar and the funeral director, is electronic. This cuts down on the back and fore. 

Have you chosen a funeral director? They can be very helpful as they know the processes for your area inside out. My mum died just over 12 months ago. The lady in our local funeral ‘shop’ must have called me half a dozen times, sometimes with updates but mainly, to ask if I was ok and if I needed any help.
It sounds like you will need probate (property and any investments, large savings balances etc). Unless you really want to, it’s not necessary to start this right away. Get the funeral organised and sort the rest when you feel ready. 

If mum’s house is empty, don’t forget to notify the insurance. 

Savvy_Sue

You probably want to ask to have this moved to the Death, Funerals and Probate board: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/deaths-funerals-probate - cheery name but there's a hugely helpful crowd on there. 

Strangely, I remember registering Dad's death but not Mum's, although I'd be surprised if I didn't do both (he died first but Mum's deafness made that kind of thing difficult). I took DS1 with me, he was an absolute rock. He helped with navigation (pre smart-phone days), and I gave him a box of tissues and he passed one over when I needed one! 

We stopped for lunch before going home, to give us a bit of space. 

Others have asked all the other sensible questions. Be kind to yourselves. 

Savvy_sewing

thank you everyone. Some great advice. 

I shall look out a note book. That is a very good idea.
the making sure my affairs are in order as well is a good point. 

We always think we have time don’t we?. 

elsien

Also to add that there is very little that can’t wait if it has to.
Take care of yourself as well and take time to grieve or regroup when you need to.