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Christmas guilt

maurice28
Posts: 319 Forumite


Hi all - just wanted to put this down in writing not expecting any kind of resolution per se, but just as an outlet!
It's that time of year again when Christmas plans are being discussed. I have a wife, two kids (aged 9 and 7) and last year, we hosted both sets of parents at ours for the big day. My father has dementia, which manifests itself in confusion at times, struggling to finish his thoughts, can't really get through a story, that kind of thing. I see them a couple of times a week, but it's a more challenging visit than it used to be - I know the kids now find it boring to go and see them and it can sometimes lend itself to an 'awkward' atmosphere, if that makes sense.
This year, my wife's parents will be spending Christmas with my wife's sister. My brother will be visiting with his family at some point over the Christmas period, so we'll have a 'Christmas Day 2', but they live a few hours away and won't be here on the day itself (and don't have the room to host mum and dad overnight).
So now the selfish, woe is me part of the post and the dilemma I face. If I don't invite my parents up on Christmas Day and have it just the four of us, it'll be more relaxed, I can have a drink (hosting my parents involves picking them up and driving them home) and it will generally be more laid back - plus of course, not having the pressure of making sure the roast potatoes are perfect! However, I'll end up feeling guilty about them being on their own (even though I doubt there'll be any guilt tripping or pressure from them).
If we do host them, the day will be harder work, not as relaxed, I'll be on edge hoping everyone is having a good time, especially as my wife's parents won't also be there as extra people to talk to etc.
As mentioned, we'll get to have a gathering with my parents and my brother's family at another day over the festive period, it's just the day itself that is on my mind.
I read this back and realise how selfish, 'first world problem' it probably all sounds, but that's where I'm at. What would you do?
It's that time of year again when Christmas plans are being discussed. I have a wife, two kids (aged 9 and 7) and last year, we hosted both sets of parents at ours for the big day. My father has dementia, which manifests itself in confusion at times, struggling to finish his thoughts, can't really get through a story, that kind of thing. I see them a couple of times a week, but it's a more challenging visit than it used to be - I know the kids now find it boring to go and see them and it can sometimes lend itself to an 'awkward' atmosphere, if that makes sense.
This year, my wife's parents will be spending Christmas with my wife's sister. My brother will be visiting with his family at some point over the Christmas period, so we'll have a 'Christmas Day 2', but they live a few hours away and won't be here on the day itself (and don't have the room to host mum and dad overnight).
So now the selfish, woe is me part of the post and the dilemma I face. If I don't invite my parents up on Christmas Day and have it just the four of us, it'll be more relaxed, I can have a drink (hosting my parents involves picking them up and driving them home) and it will generally be more laid back - plus of course, not having the pressure of making sure the roast potatoes are perfect! However, I'll end up feeling guilty about them being on their own (even though I doubt there'll be any guilt tripping or pressure from them).
If we do host them, the day will be harder work, not as relaxed, I'll be on edge hoping everyone is having a good time, especially as my wife's parents won't also be there as extra people to talk to etc.
As mentioned, we'll get to have a gathering with my parents and my brother's family at another day over the festive period, it's just the day itself that is on my mind.
I read this back and realise how selfish, 'first world problem' it probably all sounds, but that's where I'm at. What would you do?
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Comments
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Your parents 'might' want a year on their own, as they 'may' consider the grandchildren too noisey at that time of the year.Sit down with your mother / father and ask them how tey feel if they have a year on their own.But bear in mind time marchs on, how may Christmas do the older folk have left.Breast Cancer Now 100 miles October 2022 100 / 100miles
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How far away are your parents? Can you have them in the morning, open presents, have a late brunch then take them home and have the rest of the day to yourselves?1
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I understand what you are saying, and it’s good to have a more relaxed Christmas Day, but in the end it is just one day and your parents won’t be around forever. I imagine your mother will be very upset if you don’t invite them. Maybe arrange book a taxi to take them home.A lot children get to a point in their lives when grandparents seem boring, but hopefully you show them that they should respect them as they age.
i was in a similar situation with my parents but wouldn’t dream of not inviting them.0 -
I'd ask my mum what she wants to do for Christmas Day - does she (and dad) want to come to ours for the day or would they be happier staying at home. If dad has dementia being at home may be more comfortable anyway.
If they decide to stay at home, would they like a visit from your family during the day - just an hour to share gifts/christmas wishes (the kids can cope with that - what I wouldnt give to be able to see my grandparents again). If this was the option they chose, then I'd be asking if they needed me to get any shopping in for them before Christmas Day so its one less thing for mum to sort.
If they do want to come to ours for the day then I'd sort that but I wouldn't be worrying about perfect roasts - the food is served as it comes and good, bad or imediocre is not the point. Its about being together. Not having a drink is hardly an issue either. And why should silences be awkward - you're all family, you've seen the best and worst of each other.
I'd also tell myself to stop worrying whether everyone is having a good time - you worrying won't change how they feel about the day. You a reputting too much pressure on yourself for a "perfect Christmas" and frankly even if the do exist, the imperfect ones tend to be much more fun anyway - you know where the dog runs off with the turkey, nana has a little too much sherry and starts doing a highland jig, someone forgets to turn a pan on so the carrots are raw, the cat decides to demolish the christmas tree - all those imperfections are what christmas is (should be) about.
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There nothing wrong with putting the focus on your immediate family on Xmas day. You'll be having Xmas day 2 with your parents.When I got married we used to spend Xmas day with my parents or my partner's parents - alternating each year. Nowadays we prefer to keep Xmas day just for us - although we do spend time with the wider family over the Xmas period.0
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Could you arrange for a tax ti collect your parents and return them home?0
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Devongardener said:
I imagine your mother will be very upset if you don’t invite them. Maybe arrange book a taxi to take them home.
My parents were old when they had me so in my childhood Xmas my gran was in her 80s and my cousins were predominately in their 20-30s and some had their own kids. Mum had 2 sisters and they all lived far from each other. My Gran would go to one of theirs and the rest of the family would descend on them, as a kid I was the only one of my generation that travelled. If everyone came to ours for the year then wouldn't see most my cousins and they'd be without their parents. We did this as her "possible last Christmas" for 15+ years.
When my gran died the family stopped travelling for Xmas and it was so much nicer having Xmas as just my partner, mum and myself than trying to cook for 20+. Even if we were one of the ones travelling there was stress in the household, sleeping on floors and inevitably at some point fallings out.0 -
Do what you want to do ! There aren’t many Christmas days with young kids so make the best memories you can. I’d say go with it just the 4 of you and have a great relaxing day .
Book a Christmas meal at a pub a few days before for the family to come to if they wish.1 -
My late Mum came to us for the previous 6-7 years but at 89 her physical health deteriorated to the extent that visiting us was becoming harder and harder. With a very deep breath and carefully thought words, I asked if we (me, husband and two adult sons) could bring Christmas to her. Big relief when she said "oh yes, that would be lovely".
I cooked a ham on Christmas Eve, cooked the chicken Christmas morning and tightly wrapped it in foil. Potatoes boiled and ready for the oven at Mum's. All veg chopped and put in my saucepans with elastic bands holding the lids. Big plastic storage boxes held our plates, bowls, dishes and cutlery plus Xmas pudding for the microwave, gravy granules, cooked stuffing, crackers, etc etc etc.
At midday, we whooshed in. Mum had put her oven on so I whacked the pots in, ham in and veg on. Chicken still hot. My husband and eldest son laid the table and our youngest is always in charge of presents so he organised those, got his Grandma a sherry, himself a beer and chatted to her.
Lovely lunch, silly hats, cracker jokes groaned over and we packed all the dirty stuff back into the plastic boxes and left as Mum was falling asleep at 4pm. We left her ham, chicken, sausage rolls and cheeses for her tea and we swept out. Home to stick all the dirty stuff in our dishwasher, by 4.30pm wine poured and we were done. Everyone happy.
My SiL phoned me later; Mum had phoned her to wish her HC and say that she had thoroughly enjoyed her "fully catered Christmas lunch".
Sadly, Mum died the following year, so we didn't get to replicate.
Long story to give a suggestion. I hope you find a solution.4 -
Devongardener said:I understand what you are saying, and it’s good to have a more relaxed Christmas Day, but in the end it is just one day and your parents won’t be around forever. I imagine your mother will be very upset if you don’t invite them. Maybe arrange book a taxi to take them home.A lot children get to a point in their lives when grandparents seem boring, but hopefully you show them that they should respect them as they age.
i was in a similar situation with my parents but wouldn’t dream of not inviting them.
I think what this thread indicates that there isn’t a right or wrong.
It’s about what suits you and all your family and that includes your children as well. So there are a number of options, including taxis or Christmas Eve with them, or you going to them with food, or them coming to you as normal, whatever it is.It does seem though that a lot of the expectations are coming from you not from other people. So if they do come to you, they can get a taxi home so you can have a drink. If the kids want to play with their toys or go out for a walk with you while grandparents stay in nothing wrong with that. If dad wants a snooze for an hour or two then let him. And cook food that you like and want.They can fit in with you and your routines. Unless as someone else said they might be happier at home with less hassle, if you could maybe do a morning visit so they aren’t on their own all day.
(FWIW My dog gets walked twice as much over Christmas as normal just so I can get away from my family, much as I love them.)
All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.
Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.4
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