Advice about ex spending

Sprinter24sharp

If I earned minimum wage , I’d be paying £179 a month. Tell me why because since we split and I’ve done well in my career that I have to pay her over 3 times that ? So If I was minimum wage she could make £179 work right ?

swingaloo

Sprinter24sharp said:

If I earned minimum wage , I’d be paying £179 a month. Tell me why because since we split and I’ve done well in my career that I have to pay her over 3 times that ? So If I was minimum wage she could make £179 work right ?

Fairly or unfairly those are the rules. The amount is calculated on your income, high or low. If she had to manage with £179 then that would be how it was. The children would have to have less options as there would be less money in the house.
If you were still living together then your money would be going into the house just the same to benefit the family.

I understand why you feel its an injustice, I spent years doing without a nice car and holiday because my husband was paying CM and I would see his ex with fancy clothes and nice holidays.  It's life for separated parents, not always fair.

The other side is when a mother struggles to raise the children and pay bills because the father is claiming to earn less then he does.

The children will grow up, the situation wont last forever so dont let your own life be ruled by bitterness.

Debbie9009

Sprinter24sharp said:

If I earned minimum wage , I’d be paying £179 a month. Tell me why because since we split and I’ve done well in my career that I have to pay her over 3 times that ? So If I was minimum wage she could make £179 work right ?

Wow do your children know just how much you resent paying money to help care for them, I’ve seen how a friends children were affected by knowing how much their Dad resenting paying their Mum money to care for them, it really has affected their relationship, please don’t let resentment of your ex get to you like this, as it’s extremely likely you will be the one to loose out.

swingaloo

Just a point though as we all seem to be giving the Op a hard time. 

He has the children himself 3 days a week, if that 3 days include overnight stays then it's not far off 50/50 care. If he had them for an extra day every other week there would be a lot less to pay. 

Sprinter24sharp

It’s not about the amount, all I want is the money to be spent on them . They’re my world I want them to have the best but she is not spending it in on them. Gambling is my fear. When we divorced it was 50/50 and her 50 paid off all her gambling debts 

Sprinter24sharp

Debbie9009 said:

Sprinter24sharp said:

If I earned minimum wage , I’d be paying £179 a month. Tell me why because since we split and I’ve done well in my career that I have to pay her over 3 times that ? So If I was minimum wage she could make £179 work right ?

Wow do your children know just how much you resent paying money to help care for them, I’ve seen how a friends children were affected by knowing how much their Dad resenting paying their Mum money to care for them, it really has affected their relationship, please don’t let resentment of your ex get to you like this, as it’s extremely likely you will be the one to loose out.

Debbie9009 said:

Sprinter24sharp said:

If I earned minimum wage , I’d be paying £179 a month. Tell me why because since we split and I’ve done well in my career that I have to pay her over 3 times that ? So If I was minimum wage she could make £179 work right ?

Wow do your children know just how much you resent paying money to help care for them, I’ve seen how a friends children were affected by knowing how much their Dad resenting paying their Mum money to care for them, it really has affected their relationship, please don’t let resentment of your ex get to you like this, as it’s extremely likely you will be the one to loose out.

Oh I will ensure they know how much I pay for them so they can ask their mum for stuff they need. 

Grumpy_chap

Sprinter24sharp said:

If I earned minimum wage , I’d be paying £179 a month. Tell me why because since we split and I’ve done well in my career that I have to pay her over 3 times that ? So If I was minimum wage she could make £179 work right ?

That would be the same if you were all living as one family.

If you are on NMW, everyone has to make more compromises than if you are earning much more.  If you earn more, the whole family gets more treats.
You do earn more, so you pass more to your Ex and the separated family get more extras / treats.

Sprinter24sharp said:

Debbie9009 said:

Sprinter24sharp said:

If I earned minimum wage , I’d be paying £179 a month. Tell me why because since we split and I’ve done well in my career that I have to pay her over 3 times that ? So If I was minimum wage she could make £179 work right ?

Wow do your children know just how much you resent paying money to help care for them, I’ve seen how a friends children were affected by knowing how much their Dad resenting paying their Mum money to care for them, it really has affected their relationship, please don’t let resentment of your ex get to you like this, as it’s extremely likely you will be the one to loose out.

Debbie9009 said:

Sprinter24sharp said:

If I earned minimum wage , I’d be paying £179 a month. Tell me why because since we split and I’ve done well in my career that I have to pay her over 3 times that ? So If I was minimum wage she could make £179 work right ?

Wow do your children know just how much you resent paying money to help care for them, I’ve seen how a friends children were affected by knowing how much their Dad resenting paying their Mum money to care for them, it really has affected their relationship, please don’t let resentment of your ex get to you like this, as it’s extremely likely you will be the one to loose out.

Oh I will ensure they know how much I pay for them so they can ask their mum for stuff they need. 

That could risk going down a toxic path.
You need to let your continuing love for your children overrule and resentment towards your Ex 

Northern_Wanderer

I assume that you have used the child maintenance calculator and put in the correct number of nights the children spend with you per year? Whatever that says is what you are legally required to pay. There is no requirement to pay for extra things unless you want to. How was your agreement for child maint made? The paying parent is unable to specify what the maint money is used for, that is a fact. I understand maint seems like a lot and that it's being paid to your ex, which it is, but the receiving parent has lots of costs to cover in relation to the children that probably aren't apparent to you. I'm sorry to say there isn't anything you can do about this other than accept that you pay maint and have no say in what it is spent on. Try to put the children first and be kind as you want to have a good relationship with your kids and not risk this with animosity towards the receiving parent, it can easily backfire.

Nintud

Child maintenance is meant to ensure the children have an equal lifestyle at each household, not luxury at one and impoverishment at the other, that is why the amount you pay is determined by your growing income and not by a standardised amount per child.

You pay approximately £75 per week per child. This is intended to bring their quality of life in her home up to match the quality of life in yours. It ensures she keeps the heating on, when she might have had to offer an extra jumper instead.

if you go through CM, your maintenance costs would be reduced according to the number of nights you have the children. That reduction is then what you would be expected to spend on the children when in your care. In your case, if you decide to have the children’s hair cut, then it is paid from the money you save from not paying the ex for having the children full time. It is not ‘extra’ to the maintenance, it is money you can choose to spend in that way. Alternatively, you can leave hair cuts for Mum’s time and her purse, and spend the money calculated for your children in a different way, on their needs or not.

The gambling issue is a difficult matter. If the ex has a problem with gambling, then she needs help to battle that.

As breakfast, you could send the children back with a box of a cereal you think they will eat. That would alleviate your worry about their nutrition. 

My ex kept receipts for every penny he spent on our children (now adults) and a spreadsheet of the dates he had them. He then presented everything as evidence at tribunal to get his CM reduced.  The judge said he’d never seen such a business like record of parenting. How he spent his money when they were in his care was irrelevant and I should not be penalised for his expensive choice of hairdressers, supermarkets, or choice to dry clean blazers with machine washable instructions. My CM went up. You cannot control how your ex spends the maintenance money. You can support your children’s nutrition with cereal, and by funding school lunches. How you improve their life is on you. Genuine belief that neglect is taking place? Report it. Financial mismanagement or rapid growth resulting in ill fitting clothes, go to Primark.