Advice about ex spending

Sprinter24sharp

I pay my ex wife £600 a month for 2 children. Just a few examples of why I’m frustrated-
They tell me often they’ve had microwave burgers for dinner, biscuits for breakfast.They never have fresh food like chicken , meat, and never seem to have a healthy cooked meal it’s always junk. They are always dressed scruffy looking when they come to me. Recently my daughter told me she has no trousers as her mother hadn’t bought her any.
i have no objections in providing for them and i have them with me 3 days a week.
i guess what I want to know is, what can I do in this situation? She said she can spend it how she likes but it’s not going on them at all apart from household bills which she would pay if she didn’t have the kids anyway.

swingaloo

Absolutely nothing you can do. She is right in that she can spend however she likes. 

Been there and got the t-shirt with my hubby. We used to pay the child maintenance in cash directly to her when we went to pick his daughter up (we did get a receipt each time). When we took daughter back, every week without fail she had been on a clothes shopping trip for herself and she would be showing us the new clothes/shoes/bags.

Then part way through the month she would be ringing saying she didnt have enough money for the electric meter or food. Infuriating but that's life as a separated parent.

If you have then 3 days a week then give them nourishing food when they are with you and forget about what she is feeding them. It is simply not your business even though they are your children.

Yes she would have household bills if she lived alone but she is housing the children. You cant start saying foods cost x amount, heating cost x amount etc. It will drive you daft. It wont last forever and it is horrible. hubby's ex used to tell daughter that she 'Could not have that because daddy doesn't pay enough'. You just have to bite your lip.

powerspowers

If you have concerns about whether your children are being neglected you can exercise your parental rights and arrange that they live with you full time with contact with mum. You’d have to engage a solicitor for advice or discuss with social services if you are worried that their needs aren’t being met- the thresholds for involvement are quite high though 

You can’t stipulate what your children’s mum spends her money on. 

tacpot12

You can educate your children and pay close attention to them. 

Some children will play off one parent against another to get what they want. Your daughter may in fact have lots of pairs of trousers, but she doesn't want to wear any of them! Or she may have grown out of all the trousers she has, and her mother hasn't realised, either becuase she isn't focused on their needs enough, or because she is short of money. (You could ask her about this. You could say "x has told me she doesn't have any trousers, are you having problems with money?" This might allow her to open up, but might also end up in you having to go halves to encourag eher to spend the child maintenance in this way. 

If you educate your children to eat the right sort of foods when they are with you, this is potentially all you can do. You go in hard and say that you expect your ex to provide a breakfast cereal and milk at breakfast, but this is unlikely to win her over. A better approach might be to say that "X says that she is getting bored of biscuits for breakfast and wants to have Y cereal. Can you afford to get them Y cereal". You might have to agree to giving your ex another £10 pcm if she commits to providing Y cereal. You need to consider whether what the children will eat is a healty cereal, or will then only eat one that is stuffed with sugar. If the latter, then one biscuit might be a better option!

I think it is ok to educate your children on how much you are paying their mother, and what their mother should be providing for them. (A roof over their heads, heating, hot water, lighting, food, and most of their clothes and shoes, transport to school if walking isn't an option). £600 pcm is not a lot of money for two children thought (although it might be a lot for you to pay). It still might mean that your ex is relatively poor, although your child maintenance should help greatly as it isn't counted when calcuating any benefits she receives. Ultimately, these problems are going to be solved by talking to each other and negotiating on the best that can be achieved under the circumstances that each parent finds themselves in. 

FlorayG

The best thing you can do is simply treat your kids well and educate them. They may then go back to her with 'dad cooks this for us it's yummy can you cook it?' or even you could teach them to cook for themselves. On the other hand, they may LIKE junk food, most kids do. If they are complaining to you about the food their mom gives them, tell them they need to complain to her not to you. As long as your ex isn't asking for more money then leave well alone and just do your best on three days a week

Sprinter24sharp

Oh I do make sure they have nutritious food every time they’re with me , they go back to her and say can we cook together , can we make this , that the other and it’s a no. Also  they’re educated on money, at least I try to, I encourage saving but I everytime I put money into their accounts it’s gone on kfc, Greggs etc… so I’m saving separately for when they’re older.
my worry is her previous gambling addiction. I really hope this ain’t where the money is going. She’s isn’t poor, has a full time job and a partner.
As for daughter’s trousers , we went for a family meal a few weeks ago. I picked her up and she came out in stained shorts so I sent her back in to get changed and to dress suitably for a restaurant. She’s 11, her mother shouldn’t be even allowing her out the house like that in my opinion. She came back out in clean shorts and that when she said she got no trousers that fit, I asked my mother hasn’t bought some then and she said she didn’t know.

swingaloo

I would be very careful what you say to the children. How old are they? How do you know what they eating in a morning? do you question them about it. 

Ive seen the other side where my sister and her husband divorced. They had a very affluent lifestyle but after the divorce although she got a hefty amount of child maintenance flashing the cash on another woman whilst my sister was struggling to manage, 2 children and a full time job.
There are all kinds of thing you maybe dont take into consideration- Birthday parties, trips out with friends especially as they hit the teen years, mobile phones, hobbies, trips out, holidays which need to be saved for etc.

Is it possible that what your daughter meant when saying she has no trousers could really be 'Mum says I cant have a pair of those £60 jeans my friends have? Children are very manipulative when parents are together playing one off against the other and even more so when the parents are separated.

Can you not have sets of clothing at your house for the time they are with you then it doesnt matter how she dresses them.
I will never forget picking up his daughter and we were attending a wedding the next day. His ex knew this and said she had put a new dress in her bag bought especially for the occasion. When we arrived home after a 3.5 hour drive we discovered there was no dress. Plenty of shorts and t-shirts but no dress or shoes. It pays to be prepared. 

Sprinter24sharp

They do have clothes at mine but i was on the way to the restaurant so picked them up on the way. No , I know my daughter she’s not materialistic at all. She’s quite happy to have primark jeans for example. I know 100% she’s telling the truth. I also pay their mobile phone contracts , school uniforms , school trips , hold birthdays parties / outings for them.
Anyway the point of this was to find out if there was anyway I could ask for proof of where my money for my children is going. 

swingaloo

Sprinter24sharp said:

They do have clothes at mine but i was on the way to the restaurant so picked them up on the way. No , I know my daughter she’s not materialistic at all. She’s quite happy to have primark jeans for example. I know 100% she’s telling the truth. I also pay their mobile phone contracts , school uniforms , school trips , hold birthdays parties / outings for them.
Anyway the point of this was to find out if there was anyway I could ask for proof of where my money for my children is going. 

No way at all.

Brie

I'm not wanting to defend you ex at all - I know too well that an outsider can't sort things out in that sort of relationship.

That said.... there are worse things in the world than microwave burgers.  And I remember reading an article on how healthy one breakfast is relative to another.   The discussion was that children should have porridge for breakfast and someone pointed out how similar this would be to an oatmeal cookie and a glass of milk.  Better to have the cookie and milk when in a rush than jam on toast or many other things.   

In any case I get that you want your children to eat good healthy food.  And if you feed them that they will learn that it's likely much nicer than what mom feeds them.  And that is a good habit for them to get in to.  Maybe they'll start asking mom for salad and roasted chicken with some nice fruit for afters.  

Sprinter24sharp

£600 not going on them is the frustrating part , eating rubbish and not clothing them. Where’s the money going ! I wonder if a solicitor could help find out. Like I’ve said I want to provide for them 100% I do . I don’t want to provide for her!