Please help

Stevensuperbike

Hi there,

I could do with a bit of advice on work at the moment please. I currently work 7am-5pm (set off driving at 6.30am (to work) and don’t get home until 5.30pm) Monday - Friday and alternate Saturdays (8am-1pm). I do loads of hours and work feels like I basically live there spending more time with colleagues than my family back at home. I have a wife (been together 13 years (married 11) who I love dearly and 2 children (daughter 10, son 8) who I adore and love so much, they both have autism and have additional needs and both receive DLA middle rate care and low mobility. My wife is our daughters carer and I’m my sons carer with us both providing 35hrs a week care as they do need lots of support and supervision during the day/night. My wife receives carers allowance and works 8 hrs a week to get a little more money and my mum helps us out massively (retired mum 40yrs working for council) by also helping us with care during the week for the kids. I work the hours previous and earn a 31k salary (no carers allowance as my salary is too high) (11.90 ish a hour) I’ve been with the company years and have lots of knowledge about the job. I’ve made manager and stepped down a few times due to stress and panic attacks, so now in a basic sales role offering loads of experience/ guidance/support to other staff when needed. I feel like I’m burning out as I’m becoming miserable at work and I no longer enjoy the work either. The hours are long and when back home from work it’s hands on again helping care for our kids with my wife. Every day is exhausting and hard. I’ve worked full time hours (45+) since I was 16. I’m now 39 yrs old. I’ve put in some graft over the years. 

At work recently I’ve asked for flexible hours so I can spend more time with my wife and kids back home to which my employer have said you can have 1 day off a week (Mondays) but need you in every Saturday (not alternate) 8-1 as a result. I didn’t like that suggestion as I wanted more days off not every Saturday working. I wasn’t happy about this and declined. They have now said Mondays off are an option and retain a 1 in 2 Saturday. But I can’t start it (Mondays off) until the new year!?

Due to my experience I have been tasked by my manager to do some work which nobody else I work with knows how to do (not even the manager!) it’s a kind of a specialised job even though I know other staff get paid more than me who do a lot lot less which I’m really unhappy about! I will make the manager look good by me doing this work myself. Anyway I’ve completed the tasks over a period of about 6 weeks on my own additional to doing my basic job whilst my manager allows people to do nothing and quite happily lets me crack on while everyone else sits at their desk messing around and he doesn’t even challenge their behaviour. He’s basically a coward. 

I’ve been unhappy due to a lack of recognition for all the work I have done recently. It’s that bad at work that I’ve even been looking at finishing completely and considering claiming the carers allowance with my wife and spending time at home to care for the kids with her (she needs help as it’s difficult for her). If I did leave work I think it would ruin the place I work as nobody knows the job like me and they would all struggle (I think even the manager would consider leaving as it would no longer be a ‘well oiled machine’ he himself would end up burning out as he doesn’t know the job like me).

I’ve been doing the maths and I think I can afford to leave. I’ve done the maths over and over and I’ll be about £800-900 less a month. I’ve ran through universal credit calculators and I’m pretty sure I’m right. I know 800-900 is a lot to lose but I’ll be at home caring for my family spending time with them rather than at work where I’m not valued. We will still have disposable income just not as much. I do want to work but need to find a job that fits around my family rather than my family fit around my work. I’m no longer a career man but very much a family man. Since working full time from age 16 I’m conditioned to working long hours but things change when you have a family and your outlook on life changes. 

To put the icing on the cake I’ve heard from a few people at work that I trust and respect that the manager has been talking about me behind my back saying I’m lazy and don’t want to do any work that I’m always unwilling to help out! I’ve basically made him look great in front of the directors with no thanks not even one bit of ‘thanks for all your hard work over the last 2 months’. It’s a complete joke. 

I think I’m done with it, I can’t work for somebody who treats me like that. Even so when I have more important and pressing matters at home to be helping out with. 

Apologies it’s a bit long I just wanted to capture the situation. Any advice/ experience on this would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks for reading. 

MattMattMattUK

Stevensuperbike said:

Hi there,

I could do with a bit of advice on work at the moment please. I currently work 7am-5pm (set off driving at 6.30am (to work) and don’t get home until 5.30pm) Monday - Friday and alternate Saturdays (8am-1pm). I do loads of hours and work feels like I basically live there spending more time with colleagues than my family back at home. I have a wife (been together 13 years (married 11) who I love dearly and 2 children (daughter 10, son 8) who I adore and love so much, they both have autism and have additional needs and both receive DLA middle rate care and low mobility. My wife is our daughters carer and I’m my sons carer with us both providing 35hrs a week care as they do need lots of support and supervision during the day/night. My wife receives carers allowance and works 8 hrs a week to get a little more money and my mum helps us out massively (retired mum 40yrs working for council) by also helping us with care during the week for the kids. I work the hours previous and earn a 31k salary (no carers allowance as my salary is too high) (11.90 ish a hour) I’ve been with the company years and have lots of knowledge about the job. I’ve made manager and stepped down a few times due to stress and panic attacks, so now in a basic sales role offering loads of experience/ guidance/support to other staff when needed. I feel like I’m burning out as I’m becoming miserable at work and I no longer enjoy the work either. The hours are long and when back home from work it’s hands on again helping care for our kids with my wife. Every day is exhausting and hard. I’ve worked full time hours (45+) since I was 16. I’m now 39 yrs old. I’ve put in some graft over the years. 

At work recently I’ve asked for flexible hours so I can spend more time with my wife and kids back home to which my employer have said you can have 1 day off a week (Mondays) but need you in every Saturday (not alternate) 8-1 as a result. I didn’t like that suggestion as I wanted more days off not every Saturday working. I wasn’t happy about this and declined. They have now said Mondays off are an option and retain a 1 in 2 Saturday. But I can’t start it (Mondays off) until the new year!?

Due to my experience I have been tasked by my manager to do some work which nobody else I work with knows how to do (not even the manager!) it’s a kind of a specialised job even though I know other staff get paid more than me who do a lot lot less which I’m really unhappy about! I will make the manager look good by me doing this work myself. Anyway I’ve completed the tasks over a period of about 6 weeks on my own additional to doing my basic job whilst my manager allows people to do nothing and quite happily lets me crack on while everyone else sits at their desk messing around and he doesn’t even challenge their behaviour. He’s basically a coward. 

I’ve been unhappy due to a lack of recognition for all the work I have done recently. It’s that bad at work that I’ve even been looking at finishing completely and considering claiming the carers allowance with my wife and spending time at home to care for the kids with her (she needs help as it’s difficult for her). If I did leave work I think it would ruin the place I work as nobody knows the job like me and they would all struggle (I think even the manager would consider leaving as it would no longer be a ‘well oiled machine’ he himself would end up burning out as he doesn’t know the job like me).

I’ve been doing the maths and I think I can afford to leave. I’ve done the maths over and over and I’ll be about £800-900 less a month. I’ve ran through universal credit calculators and I’m pretty sure I’m right. I know 800-900 is a lot to lose but I’ll be at home caring for my family spending time with them rather than at work where I’m not valued. We will still have disposable income just not as much. I do want to work but need to find a job that fits around my family rather than my family fit around my work. I’m no longer a career man but very much a family man. Since working full time from age 16 I’m conditioned to working long hours but things change when you have a family and your outlook on life changes. 

To put the icing on the cake I’ve heard from a few people at work that I trust and respect that the manager has been talking about me behind my back saying I’m lazy and don’t want to do any work that I’m always unwilling to help out! I’ve basically made him look great in front of the directors with no thanks not even one bit of ‘thanks for all your hard work over the last 2 months’. It’s a complete joke. 

I think I’m done with it, I can’t work for somebody who treats me like that. Even so when I have more important and pressing matters at home to be helping out with. 

Apologies it’s a bit long I just wanted to capture the situation. Any advice/ experience on this would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks for reading. 

Find a new job with an employer who values your hard work and knowledge. 

elsien

Why is it a choice between staying where you are and giving at work completely?

Have you looked at other jobs to see if there’s anything that would fit your circumstances better?

I think you need to put aside all the stuff about your co-workers and how much the company needs you - that’s just noise. I can see why it’s making you feel worse, but in terms of your financial options it’s not really relevant. 

Your choices come down to:
1. Stay as you are and take the flexible working in January. You’re not happy, and realistically that’s not going to make a huge amount difference given your low opinion of your manager and your colleagues. You’ve had enough there and that’s not going to change
2. Find a different job
3. Give up work to be a carer.

You haven’t said what your wife feels about any of this?
I’m a little unsure how you think you can manage financially when your mother is already helping you out, unless I’ve misunderstood. 

What care is your mum offering with the children? Are they not at school or is this outside of school hours?

When I would say as if you do look for alternative employment, it’s easier to find a job when you’re already in a job. 
Being at home full time on much less money may be stressful in a very different way. Perhaps start looking at other options before your family make any final decisions.

Auti

If I were you I would be looking for another job asap. You should be ok giving up job as you are a carer but UC might ask questions and put in work conditions - others will know. Work wise, if money is not the overriding concern, maybe look at part time that would fit round school times etc. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Sapindus

By the sounds of it if you take the flexible working they will just pile even more pressure onto the days when you are working.  I'd start looking for another job.

gwynlas

It is better to find another job when already in work as employers can get current references.

You are on minmum wage anyway so easier to accept other roles at that level. You do not say what your role is but you must have a lot of transferable skills

Do not allow manager and colleagues to get you down you know your own worth.

njkmr

Time to move on.
Nothing will change at work to make you feel more appreciated so you need to get out.
I'm a believer in things will work out so personally I would leave and see what the future brings it you can afford to do it financially.
I have been in the position where I felt I kept people above me in their jobs and stepped aside to leave them to fend for themselves in the past.
Best of luck to you .

Stevensuperbike

Wow many thanks for all the replies. Sorry to offload on this forum but this is exactly the advice I need and huge respect to you all I really appreciate it. My wife knows the pressure behind work as she has also worked full time until we had our children from an early age. She says just leave and move on there is more opportunities out there in the huge wide world rather confined to your desk for 50hrs a week burned and stressed out. 

Our UC work plan would not require either of us to look for work as it is deemed that we both provide 35 hrs of care each a week. My job hours are additional to this. My current job is sales but I do have a class 1 HGV licence and I really enjoy driving so getting back into this field is no worry for me as I consider myself a decent driver. I’ve also looked into becoming a taxi/uber driver as well as a driving instructor but these are just thoughts at the moment and not put anything into motion yet apart from clearing an enhanced dbs check recently. Only cost £8 online. Financially I know I can make it work but I do want to work so may the job hunting begin. I’m happy to leave without another job lined up. Maybe spend a couple of weeks to recuperate and move forward. 

Savvy_Sue

The gig economy (Uber etc) can be very pressurised and stressful, as can setting yourself up in a new self-employed role (driving instructor).

And please repeat multiple times "no-one is indispensable, not even me". I wasn't, they've barely missed me ...

I'd start looking for another job: maybe supermarket delivery driver? Or if there are other companies doing what you do, or similar?

I wouldn't blame you if you accepted their offer of changed hours from next year, and hoped to leave before that change happened.

tealady

If you have a hgv licence go and speak to a few job agencies to ask about work availability.
Then you will have a better idea what's out there.

elsien

One of my neighbours became a driving instructor after illness. He wasn’t able to make a living from it – just too saturated in this area. I think he ended up looking at delivery driver jobs.