Possible family breakdown advice

sazandy25

Hi, I am writing on behalf of my younger brother who has been married for over 12 years, he lives in a house with his wife & 2 children (aged 15 & 11). 

Basically his wife has said she no longer wants to be with him, has arranged estate agents to value the house etc.

They have both been through a tough year, his wife lost her mum March time, our grandad past away in July & also their cat was put down in April.

He doesn't want to split up, sell house etc.

I've said about marriage counselling but not sure where to start. Obviously both would need to agree which may not happen.

If things do move down the separation route, is there anything my brother needs to beware of???

Financially they both work full time, he brings in £300 a month more but all bills are split 50/50 from a joint account.

Mortgage wise they have about 50k outstanding & one estate agent that was arranged by his wife has given a valuation of 270k. 

Again he doesn't want to move & would look at buying her out if things went that way & he could make it work financially.

Any advice greatfully received

Just don't want my brother to be taken advantage of.

Voyager2002

He should see a solicitor.

What is going to happen to the children? That would be the first concern of the court, and usually all efforts are made to ensure that they can continue to live in the same house.

Brie

Lots of couples seem to get to the brink of a breakup and pull themselves back with a bit of sensible talking.  Whether that is something they DIY or have help with depends on what works for the couple.  It's not too uncommon for a split to happen after big life traumas such as they've had - even something so seemingly insignificant as a cat might keep a couple together.

One would hope that, should mediation work, that they can remain civil and work things out for the best of themselves and the children.  The unfortunate reality of it is that a household split in two practically doubles the cost - 2 homes, 2 sets of bills, 2 sets of furniture etc.  That's a big consideration that tends to hit people after the split is agreed.  Either the house gets sold and they both buy or rent and have to find places that allow the kids to go back and forth easily.  And it's easy to get into a competition for love and attention - hence one parent offering big holidays or Christmas presents.  All things that are tough to avoid really.

And the financials are tricky - it's not just the house and all it contains as well as the bank accounts.  It's also things like both their pensions that need to be considered in a 50/50 split.  

I agree that a solicitor may be ultimately required but before then is there an employee programme that either can access that might offer some initial counselling on one side or for both of them?

sazandy25

Thanks for replies, I will pass information on.
Do you think citizens advice would be of any help?
I understand solicitor would definitely be needed if things did progress. But don't think he would want to pay out to see a solicitor if things did get resolved.

RAS

Ask her about couple's counselling, and leave it open if she first says no. Or maybe she wants something else to change? 

If she decides to go ahead with separation, then suggest mediation. Hopefully that may allow them to remain civil.

And as back-up, he needs to go over to wikivorce to read up on the situation.

elsien

Voyager2002 said:

He should see a solicitor.

What is going to happen to the children? That would be the first concern of the court, and usually all efforts are made to ensure that they can continue to live in the same house.

Not entirely the case. In a divorce, the children need to be adequately housed but the financial settlement has to meet the needs of both the parents and if that means selling up and each of them downsizing, that’s what they have to do. 

Your brother may wish to keep the house, but what is his wife’s view on that and where does she anticipate living if they do split up?

Also depends (if older), who the children might want to live with. Because the closer they are to adults, the more their preferences would be taken into account. 

How does his wife view this going in the short term – will she be moving out, does she expect him to move out, does she feel that they can both live amicably in the same house for now?

Always worth suggesting counselling, But does he really have no clue as to where this has come from because usually the partner would be aware there was something wrong even if they weren’t quite sure what?. 

tacpot12

sazandy25 said:

Thanks for replies, I will pass information on.
Do you think citizens advice would be of any help?
I understand solicitor would definitely be needed if things did progress. But don't think he would want to pay out to see a solicitor if things did get resolved.

The Citizens Advice website will certainly be helpful. This is their main page for Family-related advice and provides links to the main topics he might need to deal with: Family - Citizens Advice 

sazandy25

Thanks again for advice, I will pass everything on to him.

Hoenir

elsien said:

Voyager2002 said:

He should see a solicitor.

What is going to happen to the children? That would be the first concern of the court, and usually all efforts are made to ensure that they can continue to live in the same house.

Not entirely the case. In a divorce, the children need to be adequately housed but the financial settlement has to meet the needs of both the parents and if that means selling up and each of them downsizing, that’s what they have to do. 

The financial settlement can be deferred. The court as Guardian of the children. Will also factor in their welfare and well being during a period of traumatic stress. The upheavel of moving schools etc is considered. A family solicitor is worth calling upon. If only just for the clarity of potential scenario's. 

Savvy_Sue

sazandy25 said:

I've said about marriage counselling but not sure where to start. Obviously both would need to agree which may not happen.

Actually, they don't both need to agree. Ideally they'd both want to go: if there's going to be a split (and he should prepare for that, because constantly telling her that's not what he wants isn't going to go down well), they can help work it out in a civilised way. 

If she doesn't want to go to counselling, he can go on his own, and again they will help him work out how to behave in a civilised way. 

Relate

Exodi

On the counselling point, I'd add that we've no idea how far along she is - for all we know, she may have already mentally checked out a long time ago. You hope that most people don't end a 12 year marriage involving two children without thought.

As an example (I'm in no way suggesting any of this is true), it may be that she feels that all of this trauma has brought to light how lonely or unsupported she feels.

Or as another example (again, in no way suggesting this is the case), she may be unhappy with the fact the bills are still split 50:50 despite him earning more. Considering the significant rise in the price of basically everything, she may have begun to resent the fact that while she has very little spare money, he has a spare £3.6k more than her every year, basically a lunch in Wetherspoons and a couple drinks every single day of the year.

Counselling can be unappealing to someone who has reached their limit, because it is akin to asking someone to apologise for something they did wrong - which comes across as forced and inauthentic. Some may feel that they shouldn't have to ask for what they see are basic things like support or respect.

That said, whatever the reason is, I'm not suggesting she is blameless, because if the husband has genuinely been blindsided by this, then there has clearly been an issue with communication.

All I would say on the very little that has been said is that if she already arranged estate agents, she has likely already made her mind up. I kind of agree with @Savvy_Sue that just constantly reiterating that he doesn't want to break up doesn't solve the problem, if anything it exasperates it as it may reinforce that he is only considering this from his side. Really they need a deep open conversation about the problems and to decide whether they think it's something they can work on or not.

The financial pot would include things like all savings (even if kept in one persons name and paid into exclusively by one person by what they see as their individual earnings), pensions, property (including value of cars), etc.