I save, my husband spends!

applepad

My husband openly admits that he’s bad with money and if taking care of the financial side of things we would be bankrupt!
Ive always been a saver and worked in finance before I stopped work to bring up our children.
He has always been the main breadwinner, we have traditional family roles. I have always taken care of looking after the money and he has had ‘pocket money’ which he has always been happy with, anything outside of this, he has to ask for, I must admit I rarely say no- but I do find it hard when he has earned most of the money, but he does say it’s ‘our’ money.
Although most of the time I feel that there is only ‘spare money’ because I have been careful not to waste money.
However we are now living on less money , as he has taken early retirement and only gets half the income- private pension, he is 61 , so another 6 years until he can draw his state pension.
I not longer work due to illness.
I keep saying to him, we have to be more careful now, but he continues to want things and spend. Since Covid, he now has a credit card- 2nd card holder on my account.
We have been married 26 years, I need him to help with the financial side of things now as I have cognitive issues, I want to book a holiday- he says ok, but keeps saying that’s a lot of money, £2000, he does not see that bits and bats of ‘wants’ from Amazon, add up to more than that in a year.
Money is one of the few things we disagree over. I know I’ve made a rod from my own bat, but I can’t go back and change things. We are not in debt yet, but if my attitude to money was like his, we would be, it’s causing me anxiety and making me depressed.

Has anyone else faced a similar thing? Been able to change their partner’s attitude?

Newly_retired

You started a thread about this earlier this year and received some good advice. Has anything changed that you are asking again?

Emmia

And normally it's "a rod for my own back" rather than "a rod from my own bat"... 

I think you probably need to sit down with your husband to go through your income and outgoings. It's boring to do, but he's never had to think about it. 

As he's still fairly young, could he find another job?

applepad

Newly_retired said:

You started a thread about this earlier this year and received some good advice. Has anything changed that you are asking again?

I’m away from home, staying with my brother and his family. Guess I’ve had time to think about it , nothing has changed, I’ve sat him down and had to heart to hearts about it, he helps me around the house a bit more , for a few days and then he’s busy doing other things. I’ve realised how selfish he is, childish too.

Newly_retired

Maybe you owe it to yourself to go on holiday by yourself, if you would enjoy that, as he seems to enjoy spending money in different ways. 

applepad

Emmia said:

And normally it's "a rod for my own back" rather than "a rod from my own bat"... 

I think you probably need to sit down with your husband to go through your income and outgoings. It's boring to do, but he's never had to think about it. 

As he's still fairly young, could he find another job?

I’ve done that, we do have enough money to pay all the bills, even enough to save a bit, but things keep going up.

Hes not been well physically and mentally, and I’m disabled, the idea was to retire early, so he would be happier as not having the stress of work, and not having to get up at 5.45am each day. But he is still struggling with sleep and after being  in hospital during Covid- not Covid related emergency surgery , he’s never returned to be the man he was before. So getting another job is not an option.

Its 6 years til he can draw his state pension, so we need to be careful til then, lots needs doing on the house, but he’s not a DIY person, in the past we would have paid someone to do things, eventually. But he does other things and then is too tired to do the gardening etc.
It’s more his attitude,   He tells me to buy whatever I want, but I don’t need things. But if I spent like him, we would be in debt!

We will have to have another talk when I get home

Grumpy_chap

applepad said:

He tells me to buy whatever I want, but I don’t need things. 

You can "buy whatever you want" without having things.
A trip out to the cinema, or a stately home, or a massage, or whatever you enjoy.
"Services" such as a gardener.
Obviously, the whole level of spend needs to be managed against available income and spare finances.

LightFlare

Is it possible for you to get a part time job for one or two days a week to help you get out of the house and earn a bit of extra ?

It sounds like he needs support, help and encouragement as opposed to nagging and chastising 

Retiring can have a massive (and often un recognised impact on physical and mental health) which along with his other health issue will be leaving him with a myriad of concerns, thoughts and emotions.

You have both had years of your own space and routine and now he no longer has that - yet you still do. Except he probably feels like an interloper into your life and you perceive him as an intruder into yours

Have you and would he consider counselling? 
  sometimes just talking and listening to an impartial party can help a lot

Emmia

I think tbh your husband may have retired too soon, could he find a part time job for a few years (or voluntary work), to ease into retirement properly (and give him income for spends). 

If it's paid, could you perhaps sell it to him as extra spending money for him?

elsien

LightFlare said:

Is it possible for you to get a part time job for one or two days a week to help you get out of the house and earn a bit of extra ?

It sounds like he needs support, help and encouragement as opposed to nagging and chastising 

Retiring can have a massive (and often un recognised impact on physical and mental health) which along with his other health issue will be leaving him with a myriad of concerns, thoughts and emotions.

You have both had years of your own space and routine and now he no longer has that - yet you still do. Except he probably feels like an interloper into your life and you perceive him as an intruder into yours

Have you and would he consider counselling? 
  sometimes just talking and listening to an impartial party can help a lot

I’m not sure using the words nagging and chastising is particularly helpful when the OP is already feeling anxious and depressed.

While taking your point that retirement can be difficult for people, just as an example  any jobs around the house seems to be seen as “helping” the OP when actually it’s his house and he should be equally as responsible for all the day-to-day stuff. Needing him to  start pulling his weight at home is a reasonable request, although I can see that he may perceive that otherwise. 

Feels like maybe now he’s not at work he is quite reasonably doing other things to fill his day but that can turn out to be more expensive without planning. 

OP do you think he would be willing to sit down with the credit card statements and tallg up how much his small items are coming to over time? 

LightFlare

elsien said:

LightFlare said:

Is it possible for you to get a part time job for one or two days a week to help you get out of the house and earn a bit of extra ?

It sounds like he needs support, help and encouragement as opposed to nagging and chastising 

Retiring can have a massive (and often un recognised impact on physical and mental health) which along with his other health issue will be leaving him with a myriad of concerns, thoughts and emotions.

You have both had years of your own space and routine and now he no longer has that - yet you still do. Except he probably feels like an interloper into your life and you perceive him as an intruder into yours

Have you and would he consider counselling? 
  sometimes just talking and listening to an impartial party can help a lot

I’m not sure using the words nagging and chastising is particularly helpful when the OP is already feeling anxious and depressed.

While taking your point that retirement can be difficult for people, just as an example  any jobs around the house seems to be seen as “helping” the OP when actually it’s his house and he should be equally as responsible for all the day-to-day stuff. Needing him to  start pulling his weight at home is a reasonable request, although I can see that he may perceive that otherwise. 

Feels like maybe now he’s not at work he is quite reasonably doing other things to fill his day but that can turn out to be more expensive without planning. 

OP do you think he would be willing to sit down with the credit card statements and tallg up how much his small items are coming to over time? 

I agree and disagree -- whilst he was in full time work, both he and her had (I assume) clear ideas of who did what in and around the home. he went to work, she looked after the house.

Now he is no longer working he still sees that as her "job"

I agree that now it should be shared but this is the transition that needs to be managed and can be a very difficult one