Advise about mother in law

sk2402005

Hi,

My wife and i are struggling with my mother in law (wifes mother - 62 years old)

A couple of years ago she and her husband moved closer so we could help as he had been diagnised with dementia.

Around a year ago, it got to the point where my mother in law could no longer provide the care he needed, and he is now in a home, where so far hes doing fine, so that bit is good.

At that point, all the attendance allowance and carers allowance stopped, and she is now has to sign on through the job centre - and she now has almost no income at all - she will exhaust her savings by christmas due to the high energy and food costs - even though she does nothing, theres not enough to live on.

She has a level of mobility issues where she cant walk for very long, but her mental state  and attitude is more of an issue.

She has managed to get signed off sick for a while, so hasnt really looked for work for the job center claim, but i think the sick notes will stop.

Unfortunatly she is completly incapable of filling in any kind of online application, let alone an interview, and where she lives there isnt really any work (village location)

She pretty much sits at home festering, we have to do all gardening, cleaning, and often provide meals on wheels, or she lives off ready meals as she wont cook either.

There is a decent bus route, but she wont get the bus alone, my wife has taken her on the bus many times to encourage her, she cant be bothered to go to the nursing home.

Whist she is only 62, its more like shes in her 80's the level of support we need to give her, she wont even walk to the local shop.

Whilst we are happy to help, we cant be living her life for her, we have our own busy family and both work, so what little time we have is used up helping, so im a little lost as to what to do.

Im thinking social services, but im unsure if they will help as she isnt that old - the job centre can clearly see she cant work, but they seem to have no systems in place to help.

elsien

She sounds like she could be depressed. 

Would she allow your wife to go to a GP appointment with her to discuss what is going on?
Although being a carer is incredibly hard, or still leaves a gap when it stops and people are still grieving for the life they lost through the partner’s dementia.
I would suggest she might benefit from a full physical and mental health MOT before looking at any next steps. 

Has she had a full benefits check, and made sure she’s getting the single person discount on her council tax? She may be entitled to other things, which the DWP would not necessarily tell her about. 

powerspowers

I second the suggestion that she may be depressed although that does medicalise a probably expected reaction to the difficulties and changes your MIL has experienced in the last few years. I expect she’s feeling lost now that her husband lives in a home, like her old role has gone. And what a kick in the teeth UC is after caring for a loved one! 

Social services could perhaps signpost to local organisations that could provide social support, community links, social subscribing? What would your MIL like to do now, is there anything she used to enjoy that she’d like to get back to? Anything she always talked of doing? 

saajan_12

Sounds similar to a distant family member of mine, except the change was adult children moving out rather than partner going to care. Not that old, physically walks slowly but mobile with no particular disability, limited language and complex thinking skills largely from being out of the workplace for decades, though no specific mental health issue that's diagnosed or apparent beyond generally depressed. The child and partner came around to do the hoovering and gardening, food generally from a version of meals on wheels. 

So solutions.. well its definitely not solved, but three key things we had to decide were 

1) can / would you throw money at the problem 
If affordable, can you pay for a gardener, regular food deliveries, regular cleaner etc rather than physically doing it yourself. IF she has capacity and IF she has the assets (eg in a house) and IF wife has other siblings, then this could be out of money you loan her, so essentially everyone gets a bit less inheritance. 

2) What does MIL want to do about the situation
Without being mean or saying you can't do xyz for her, just sit down and lay out the situation, and how she plans to address the daily needs and money situation. Even if she asks for help for some of it, that process of asking and working through the problem in a more collaborative way may spur her to want to do some of it. It becomes her part in a team effort rather than 'why bother doing any of it'. 
Part of this is what care / chores did she cover while FIL was in the home.. reminding and gently passing those back to her. 

3) Other income sources
Can she get a lodger in to pay some rent? Can she get back to doing some of the caregiving and household tasks in someone else's home eg as a cleaner, child minder, make meals, etc (in our case, it was easier for her to cook for others than herself, as it felt more purposeful, there were people around, etc.)

RAS

This may be a bit long but rather a lot has been going on and there are multiple issues that may overlap.

What was MIL like before FIL suffered from dementia? Fit and active or a couch potato? Had an independent social life or reliant on FIL for practical and social needs. Home body deriving worth from service to family or high self worth, with some external validation? 

Home owner or rented, private or social? Used to city, town or rural living? Good social connections in previous community or dependant on family?

Who triggered the idea of FIL and MIL moving close to you? Was it MIL's idea or originally mooted by yourself and OH? Likewise, what triggered the decision to move FIL into care?

As your OH probably recognises, emotionally dealing with someone with dementia is basically about experiencing multiple small bereavements. Added to which MIL has lost her previous home and connections, which she perhaps traded that for the hope of retaining him at home, she's had to cope his loss, and being made redundant as a carer and wife. Plus the practical and financial worries. 

She may also feel that she has failed FIL by allowing him to go into care, and be worried about her own future. Does her life feel worth living?

By the way, she's not alone in preferring not to see her spouse in care. Trying to square your loss, your old love and the remaining husk of a human living elsewhere can be crazy making. 

On a practical side, do you live in the same village? 

Given her caring responsibilities has she may well have lost stamina, physical condition and acquired injuries, even if small. And given Covid and caring, she may have been ignoring symptoms or simply not had the GP contact which might identify underlying issues. I'd suggest a physical MOT was long overdue.

Lack of activity often depresses psychologically as well. And activity boosts mood. You're not going to get into a couch to 5k programme or a walking group, but try to get a walk in every day, with one family member and instead of trying to get her to garden at home start alongside you at your house. A friend faced with family wanting to put mum in a home, started with a little walk to a park bench, rest and walk home until mum could do it without a rest. Then extended the route, eventually including small hill climbs. 

It may be worth contacting AgeUK  and finding out if there is any support locally. Sounds silly but a befriender might help her into a healthier routine and to build other links.

elsien

I would also add the child/ parent dynamic can be a complicating factor.
Parent will completely ignore some of my suggestions, but the minute the same thing is suggested by one of her friends she’s straight on it.
So looking at befrienders or someone from outside of the family  she might be able to talk to more easily could help. 

Social services may be able to sign post, but given a lack of of any identified reason why she is struggling and with little in the way of clear support needs, she’s not going be anywhere near at top of their priority list. 

silvercar

Difficult situation to be in. Have you contacted her GP? A health check would be a good idea.

Very valid point made about what she did before ie what is she capable of?

I do wonder if you did a little less, would she do a little more? Could her dependency on you be her way of making sure she isn’t alone?

Abbafan1972

No word from the OP yet?

sk2402005

Hi all, thanks for all your comments and suggestions:-

I have an update - my mother in law has now been listed as not able to work, and has also been awarded LCWRA, that has topped her universal credit by another 1/3rd.

with that extra income we are using a bit of it to organised a gardener once a month for a couple of hours, and also are trying to sort a cleaner for an hour a week.

This has the benefit of her seeing different faces, and means we can just visit her withoug having to do so many meanial tasks.

I think we should also now be able to put a claim in for disability allowance.

We live around 25 mins away, so reasonably close, but clealy not as easy as just around the corner.

We are currently looking at potencially moving her into one of those over 50's complexes, or trying to get an exchange into a little flat neraby.

Newly_retired

It is possible she might be eligible for PIP, though I would suggest she gets the expert help of an experienced Citizens Advice worker or Age Uk, to complete the lengthy form with her.  If successful, that provides money which can be used to pay for the additional support she clearly needs, but hers is not a clear-cut claim.
Maybe this is what you meant by DIsability Allowance?

T.T.D

I’ve recently used citizens advice for a PIP claim for a loved one and they were fantastic.