Friends with different levels of disposable income

Kirkmain

Can people share experiences of drifting apart from long term friends, simply because some of us have entered different "social classes" and therefore enjoy different hobbies. Theres a group of us, we enjoy going out to nice restaurants, chalet holidays. When we fly if its longhaul we sometimes fly business and stay in the airport lounges.

There is a member of our group who did not do so well with investments and savings. I gather also hit by repayments on his interest only mortgage. We have noticed he avoids meeting up. When we go out for drinks or meals he would ask to be covered and its usually a pain (and awkward) to ask for the money back. There's only so much I can keep covering his share before the other half kicks off.

This is really sad, but is it inevitable that you drift apart from people you are friends with or people leave friendship groups because of differing disposable income and what standard of life they can afford? We have lots in common and can talk for hours, but the money issues makes things awkward.

Flugelhorn

Depends how much you value their friendship. Good friends will be sensitive to people not having as much money and will arrange events that don't cost so much. 

MattMattMattUK

Kirkmain said:

Can people share experiences of drifting apart from long term friends, simply because some of us have entered different "social classes" and therefore enjoy different hobbies. Theres a group of us, we enjoy going out to nice restaurants, chalet holidays. When we fly if its longhaul we sometimes fly business and stay in the airport lounges.

There is a member of our group who did not do so well with investments and savings. I gather also hit by repayments on his interest only mortgage. We have noticed he avoids meeting up. When we go out for drinks or meals he would ask to be covered and its usually a pain (and awkward) to ask for the money back. There's only so much I can keep covering his share before the other half kicks off.

This is really sad, but is it inevitable that you drift apart from people you are friends with or people leave friendship groups because of differing disposable income and what standard of life they can afford? We have lots in common and can talk for hours, but the money issues makes things awkward.

It sounds more like an issue with him not wanting to pay meals or drinks more than anything else.

I think it depends how you choose to socialise though, if you always go to expensive restaurants and on long haul flights then it is going to price out some people, equally there is no reason why you cannot socialise by going for a few drinks in a pub or inviting people round for dinner, which is far more financially economical. 

I earn ok money, I am far from loaded, equally I do not need to worry about spending on what I would class as normal socialising, I can afford to to to the pub a couple of times a well, go out for a reasonable meal (£50 a head for food) every week, go to live music etc. and treat myself to a Michelin star restaurant a few times a year. Equally I cannot afford to eat in the Waterside every week, neither can I afford to fly off business class and sit in a chalet for a week (not my thing either). If I has a friend who wanted to do those things then I could neither afford to do those things regularly, nor would that be the way I would choose to spend the money I did have. 

I have drifted away from people which might nominally be based on finances, but it was more to do with them having wider life issues. One only ever wanted to go to Weatherspoons or really cheap and horrible pubs, now money was somewhat tight for him but that was largely because he was drinking £50-150 a day in the pub 5-6 days a week, so the issues with him were as much to do with him being an alcoholic as him only wanting to drink in places that were grim. 

DullGreyGuy

It ultimately comes down to you to decide if you value the fine dining, the friendship or money more?

When meeting up with friends tend to stick to the pub or a chain bar which most are going to be able to afford without too many problems. Have once or twice had to sub a friend thats fallen on hard times but it's done without the assumption of repayment (normally they just buy a drink or something on the next occasion). 

Going to fine dining etc I stick to inviting the Mrs instead. Do have two associates who are not part of our main body of friends, and dont know each other, and they'll sometimes invite us somewhere expensive which we may or may not go to as they aren't close but it can be an entertaining evening for a change. 

But thats my choice, another associate who ironically can't drink takes the different path of always paying for everyone for the whole night and always ensures the best wines are ordered. Oddly it doesn't come across as bragging with him but he has no issues affording it. My wife's friend group is different still, a bit against my wife's protests they've dumped a few friends on the way because they couldn't afford the membership to clubs etc so my wife sees the two groups separately now, probably spending more time with the "poor" ones than the ones that married well. 

born_again

There is a member of our group who did not do so well with investments and savings. I gather also hit by repayments on his interest only mortgage. We have noticed he avoids meeting up. When we go out for drinks or meals he would ask to be covered and its usually a pain (and awkward) to ask for the money back. There's only so much I can keep covering his share before the other half kicks off.

So meet up with them on your own in places they can afford.

Grumpy_chap

Kirkmain said:

Can people share experiences of drifting apart from long term friends, simply because some of us have entered different "social classes" and therefore enjoy different hobbies. Theres a group of us, we enjoy going out to nice restaurants, chalet holidays. When we fly if its longhaul we sometimes fly business and stay in the airport lounges.

There is a member of our group who did not do so well with investments and savings. I gather also hit by repayments on his interest only mortgage. We have noticed he avoids meeting up. When we go out for drinks or meals he would ask to be covered and its usually a pain (and awkward) to ask for the money back. There's only so much I can keep covering his share before the other half kicks off.

This is really sad, but is it inevitable that you drift apart from people you are friends with or people leave friendship groups because of differing disposable income and what standard of life they can afford? We have lots in common and can talk for hours, but the money issues makes things awkward.

a friend in need is a friend indeed

How much do you value the friendship of the friend with less disposable income?
The solution is really not covering his share of the tab; that in itself is probably quite offensive.
The solution would seem to be to continue to meet up and enjoy each other's company at the type of venue you would have when none of you had the riches that are available today.

Mark_d

Compared to some close friends of mine, over the last 15-20 years I've excelled in my career.  I've also made smart financial decisions with spending, mortgages, investments...which has resulted in a large divergence in wealth/disposable income but not so much in social class.  Whilst I do take the occasional long haul business class flight, and treat myself to fair number of holidays, I'm still as frugal as ever with my spending.  I rarely eat at restaurants.  I don't have Sky/cable TV/Netflix/Spotify.  I don't have the latest smartphones or designer clothes.  I consider myself "successful" but I'm the same person I've always been - with the same morals and same interests (though now I can enjoy my interests more).

When going out with my friends, what we do is heavily influenced by the least weathly of us.  It works - just like as it did 15-20 years ago.

Of course I have drifted apart from some friends, and drifted towards others.  However this has been due to different priorities rather than differing disposable income.

nyermen

Sad story - its a shame it goes this way sometimes.  As I think mentioned above, meet separately if you want to stay a friend?

I was for a time lucky to be the one with more money than other friends, I didn't show it really (I hope) and let others choose the events & restaurants (pubs ).  It was an interesting time, I had so little worries.  Now I have a kid in nursery, that takes all my spare money from my budget and now I'm the one with nothing for socialising and find myself worrying about the next government's likely tax plans for me.  But I wouldn't once wish being back where I was before, my boy is a delight.

Not sure of ages / stages of life here - but we can all find that things change for us.

silvercar

I get it. We have some friends who will only eat out cheap places. Which is fine and we love seeing them, but the food is awful and the wine even worse. We just accept that part of seeing them is eating cheap.

saajan_12

Kirkmain said:

Theres a group of us, we enjoy going out to nice restaurants
...
When we go out for drinks or meals he would ask to be covered and its usually a pain (and awkward) to ask for the money back. There's only so much I can keep covering his share before the other half kicks off.

I'm making a leap but are you planning meet ups in 'nice' restaurants? If so, why does it have to be aligned to your level rather than this friend's? Why not go to places he can afford, at least in the rotation so he can come to those.

Then for the more expensive places, there's a reasonable argument for both ways..
1) everyone pays for themselves and if you cant afford it then don't come; or
2) those who want to go to the fancier place subsidise the others, with no expectation of pay back. 
The other way to think about (2) is you rotate who 'hosts' and that person chooses the location but also pays for everything. 

I certainly wouldn't do the loan and pay back, as that alone wil break friendships. 

kempiejon

Hmm your friend isn't as flush as the rest of your lot and can't spend enough to keep in with your friendship. Which is a shame but you'll all have to leave him. Why should the rest of you have to carry the poor. Speshally as it straining your relationship. It's upsetting.

My mate hit the big time in his twenties, I dropped out and didn't have much cash so when we got together he'd invite me to loads of things. I told him I couldn't stretch to it and he'd book tickets, pay for cabs and meals, in the bar I bought my rounds when I could. He thought nothing of it, he wanted my company and could afford it. Top bloke.