Divorce, Children, House - HELP!

3133chris

My wife and I am separating and will be divorcing.  I am 39 and she is 34, we have been married for 6 years.  I am in full time employment (well paid job), and she has recently started a part time job (circa 16 hrs per week).  We have 3 children (14, 10 & 5). 

We all currently live in a mortgaged house (although I am currently sleeping on a family members sofa), which is in my sole name (deed and mortgage), and I financially pay every single bill in the house.  We have a lot of debt (secured and unsecured), and I am in a debt management plan to try to manage this, but as per the mortgage everything is in my name. 

My wife has spoken to the council, and is now entitled to Universal Credit and Child Benefit as we are no longer together.  She would (I believe) also be entitled to housing benefit. 

With the current mortgage, bills, debt etc. I have very little disposable income each month, so finding my own place would be impossible.

My wife believes that I should just 'make it work', and leave her and the children in the house, with me still paying the mortgage and bills etc. - whilst that may be great for the children, it leaves me basically homeless, and with nowhere to take them at weekends etc. when I would have them. 

I believe the best solution would be to sell the house, pay off the debts, and split the remaining (albeit very nominal) amount of equity.  I would then have enough to rent my own place (suitable for the kids coming to stay) and pay her child maintenance. 

She would be entitled to housing benefit, and could use this to rent her own place with the children.  I have offered to be a guarantor on her rent too help if private renting was an option.  However, she is adamant that she will not go to a 'council house' and I need to keep her and the children in the house.   

So, my questions are as follows:

1. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to sofa surf for the next 10-15 years of my life
2. Do I have to provide and pay for a house for her and the children to live in on top of the child maintenance payments?
3. What are the next steps if we cannot come to an agreement - even though I earn well there is no spare money for solicitors etc.

I want to do the very best thing for the children, but I simply cannot afford to just leave the house, keep paying everything, and be essentially homeless (and therefore not being able to have the kids overnight at weekends etc.).    

Please help . . . 

Brie

If you stopped paying the mortgage (I'm not suggesting this) the bank would repossess and she would be told to leave.  I expect she doesn't want that.  

It sounds to me like there needs to be some mediation and better understanding between the two of you how the financial split works with a divorce.  Yes you will be expected to pay maintenance for the kids for a few years.  That doesn't mean that she can stay in the house.  There will need to be a reconciliation of both your accounts and assets which will include not only the house but also pensions and any savings tucked safely away.   

Mediation should outline what is possible and expected from you as well as her.  And her staying in a house neither can afford will need to be resolved.  There are alternatives to council housing.  Renting privately is possible but as with so many things it may not be precisely where she wants to live but must be what can be afforded, some maintenance plus housing benefit etc.

You say "we have a lot of debt".  Is that in your name or hers?  That needs to be taken into account as well but divided appropriately between the two of you (aka yours and hers).  She has to take responsibility for anything where she signed the credit agreement, even if it was so you could have a car or whatever.  And vice versa.  

elsien

I’m not sure the above is entirely correct, because I’m sure I’ve seen the opinion expressed on here that in this situations assets and debts (if they have been run up for the benefit of the family) are taken into account equally between the two people regardless of whose name is on the credit agreement.
I don’t know whether that’s correct or not, but I do think it’s an issue that you should explore.
But no, she can’t expect to keep the house while you pay the mortgage and bills and sofa surf. That is unreasonable. 

If it goes to court which you would aim to avoid through mediation, the court would look at ensuring both your needs were fairly met. The starting point being a 50-50 split to include everything. She may get more if she is going to be the primary carer for the children But the court would look at making sure both your needs were met, and “wants” come a long way behind that. And if that means the house has to be sold and you both rent, that is what has to happen.

Get some legal advice, because you can’t afford not to, and also heading over to the wikivorce website is often recommended on here as well. 

Unless people are millionaires, divorce means a lower standard of living and often reduced circumstances for both parties. It sounds like your wife is currently not wanting to accept that.

Savvy_Sue

3133chris said:

1. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to sofa surf for the next 10-15 years of my life
2. Do I have to provide and pay for a house for her and the children to live in on top of the child maintenance payments?
3. What are the next steps if we cannot come to an agreement - even though I earn well there is no spare money for solicitors etc.

No, no, and you cannot afford NOT to see a solicitor, although the Wikivorce website already suggested is probably the first place to go. 

Zoe02

It is best to seek professional advice from a solicitor.

It is not so straightforward when both cannot agree on a fair outcome.

thegreenone

Please triple check whether your wife would be entitled to Housing Benefit if she stays in the house.  I don't think she would as I'm sure HB is not paid where a mortgage is present, being paid for, but happy to be corrected.

Whilst trying to keep it civil, she needs to start paying her own Council Tax now you've left and you yours, wherever you are staying.

Flugelhorn

this is going to be difficult as you have relatively little in assets to support two homes - definitely need to speak to a solicitor to get a fair split

elsien

Can I also flag up that you probably need to have more discussions around the childcare. They may not want to see you every weekend especially as they get older and might want to be doing things with friends. It's also a bit unfair on the primary carer if they are doing all the boring homework/general life stuff Monday to Friday and you get to do the nice fun things each weekend. It can lead to resentment.
You  might also need to think about how it works for half terms and holidays so you each share having holidays with the kids and also balancing who is using their annual leave and when.
A relative agreed an overnight stay midweek, every other weekend and half of every half term and holiday (including Christmas.) A different arrangement may work better for you and yours but it may need a bit more consideration.

Brie

elsien said:

I’m not sure the above is entirely correct, because I’m sure I’ve seen the opinion expressed on here that in this situations assets and debts (if they have been run up for the benefit of the family) are taken into account equally between the two people regardless of whose name is on the credit agreement.
I don’t know whether that’s correct or not, but I do think it’s an issue that you should explore.
But no, she can’t expect to keep the house while you pay the mortgage and bills and sofa surf. That is unreasonable. 

If it goes to court which you would aim to avoid through mediation, the court would look at ensuring both your needs were fairly met. The starting point being a 50-50 split to include everything. She may get more if she is going to be the primary carer for the children But the court would look at making sure both your needs were met, and “wants” come a long way behind that. And if that means the house has to be sold and you both rent, that is what has to happen.

Get some legal advice, because you can’t afford not to, and also heading over to the wikivorce website is often recommended on here as well. 

Unless people are millionaires, divorce means a lower standard of living and often reduced circumstances for both parties. It sounds like your wife is currently not wanting to accept that.

I'm fairly sure you're right on this as well.  I expressed myself badly (in a rush...but no excuse).  But as the OP stated, and I missed, all of the debt is in his name so unless there was something extreme in there then all of it would be included as part of the financial settlement. 

It also makes me wonder how well she'll get on if she has a part time job and little in the way of a credit history but that's another story.  

GDB2222

Just a question - is it worth the OP's while to consider bankruptcy, rather than struggling under all this debt?

RAS

The OP needs to clarify the situation regarding Child Support payments. And check what his Statement of Affairs would look like on well paid job with the expected rent and CSA payments. He'd also need to know what would be allowed for children's activities, additional accommodation and food during the I.PA