Blended family splitting bills

AlexMac

Oh dear; I can’t add to the above suggestions, but I’m really glad that this forum didn’t exist 35-40 years ago when ‘er indoors and I moved in together?  Or rather, when I moved into her house (her formal matrimonial home, she having bought her ex out).  Having just been made redundant; so, a little bit of a payoff and limited equity from a recent sale, but no real means of support. 

Her career was taking off however, despite having been much delayed by child care and having gone to uni as a mature student…

if she’d asked you lot would probably have told her to dump the slacker? Or at least give me a lodger agreement so she could boot me out?

As it was, financially, we just behaved as if we were married (eventually did, 15 years later to simplify properties and inheritance),  went from strength to strength, and are now really solid financially and emotionally!

good luck

Exodi

AlexMac said:

if she’d asked you lot would probably have told her to dump the slacker? Or at least give me a lodger agreement so she could boot me out?

Sorry, could you point out where people have said this?

Aside from your strawman, more generally there's never been an issue with people being together. However it's a given on a financial forum that the advice when approaching a relationship probably won't be 'combine your assets and hope for the best'. It's great it worked out for you, but obviously many more relationships end than last forever.

Onthefenceman

Hi TinMan,

Congrats on the house purchase and blending your families.

Talking from experience these times can come with unknowns which in turn causes stress and anxieties. 

I went through this 5 years ago with my wife. 

I am widowed with two children of my own, my now wife (partner at the time) had 2 children, one grown up and moved out the other living with us.

We took the plunge after 2.5 years to live together. Our reasons were that we wanted to be a family. We both lived independently fairly comfortable. Together meant larger house, outgoings etc.

We considered everything, including the idol gossip of villagers and friends saying she was a gold digger ( she isn’t as I’m not rich, just have a good job)

Let me explain how we did it and why we came to these conclusions and explained it to others.

We both sold our independent houses. The equity we had in each house went to the new house. I had slightly more but rather than hold some back to be equal I added extra to enable to mortgage to be less.

House was 875,000. She put 180k deposit. I but 220.

Work wise, I’m a CFO, was an exec accountant when we met. My DW was in sales but took a step back from career to enable her to be more present for the family.

She now works as a teaching assistant in our local primary school. So income wise is fairly low in comparison. 

Our total bills for the running of our home including mortgage and insurances, taxes bills etc come to 3,450.

 Realistically I can afford that out of my wages. My DW however contributes. She puts in 1,000 per month and I put the remaining 2,450. 

In terms of living costs we just share them, we don’t Calculate the pennies. We come together as a team with a shared vision on living our best life. 

Why ? Because she is so much more than money. 

If she was in sales, working full time and travelling a lot - we would both need to spend and extortionate amount in childcare, cleaning, take outs etc. She brings so much more to the home than a few pounds. 

A house needs finances yes, a home needs love and time, both have value. 

How different are your incomes? 

Will one or both of you be worse off by living together ? You mention she loses CB and tax credits, so her income will reduce. Will yours ? 

Will one of you be more involved in housekeep, children, cooking etc? 

Are there future plans for marriage and children together which could change the dynamics? 

Blended families can be magical, perspectives are everything. Communication is key. 

Money comes and goes. Love, memories, experiences as a family can last forever. 

Wish you all the best. 

AlexMac

Exodi said:

AlexMac said:

if she’d asked, you lot would probably have told her to dump (me) the slacker…

Sorry, could you point out where people have said this?

Aside from your strawman…  it's a given on a financial forum that the advice when approaching a relationship probably won't be 'combine your assets and hope for the best'….

I do apologise Exodi, in that my post was deliberately flippant, a bit irreverent, arguably irrelevant, and not meant to offend. I was sitting, bored, in Malaga Airport’s departure area, idly MSEsplogging (or whatever one calls it). 

My use of the conditional “you lot would probably”… speculated rather than accused. ( as the grammarly website says, the conditional verb form refers to the possible or hypothetical )

I merely expressed gratitude that I was raised in the pre-interwebby mid 20th Century; I really didn’t mean to break the rules about offering financial/relationship advice. 

But I also have to thank you for introducing me to the word “Strawman”.  I’d not come across that before, so as I’m a bit of a pedant, I’m delighted to learn that it means
“an intentionally misrepresented preposition that is set up because it is easier to defeat than an opponent's real argument” (OED)

Thanks

Exodi

AlexMac said:

Exodi said:

AlexMac said:

if she’d asked, you lot would probably have told her to dump (me) the slacker…

Sorry, could you point out where people have said this?

Aside from your strawman…  it's a given on a financial forum that the advice when approaching a relationship probably won't be 'combine your assets and hope for the best'….

I do apologise Exodi, in that my post was deliberately flippant, a bit irreverent, arguably irrelevant, and not meant to offend. I was sitting, bored, in Malaga Airport’s departure area, idly MSEsplogging (or whatever one calls it).

Very jealous  have a lovely time!

theoretica

If: 1) Mortgage and basic bills are split equally 2) Her house is rented out, all expenses and all income is hers - or sold and the money is hers, as she chooses

Then: Which of you two feels hard done by, and why?

Is the standard of housing and bills out of easy reach for one of you?

Maybe after covering basic bills (making it simple that the house equity is 50:50) one of you will be more sensible than the other to cover a higher standard of life, such as holidays or eating out.

pjs493

It’s interesting to read so many comments about people not combining finances. Following my initial comment at the start of the thread, my background is that my parents divorced in the 1980s and both remarried. 

My mother had two children from marriage two and my father and a child from marriage two. My full sibling and I lived primarily with our mum and spent weekends with dad. Because my mum had children with my step dad, she’s spent most of her life raising children (there’s a large age gap between eldest and youngest). My mum has always managed the household, including bills etc. Stepdad worked but mum made sure the bills were paid and worked out disposable income. Together they decided what to spend it on. 

Dad worked and step mum worked part time once her child was school age. Again, she managed the household and in turn bills etc. In both scenarios the men were the breadwinners and the women were primarily child carers and had on and off part time jobs around this. Both women managed finances despite the men earning the money. 

My husband’s parents are still married, built a business together, both worked full time, employed a nanny, sent the kids to boarding school, and retired young. They have separate bank accounts (I only know this because my MIL seems to be the one to make birthday/Christmas money transfers from a sole account in her name for our children). But as far as I know they also have a joint account and share finances, again she seems to be manage the household and the money. To be honest my FIL wouldn’t cope if left alone for a weekend so needs her to manage everything. They often joke that he’d only realise she’d ‘gone’ if dinner wasn’t on the table at a set time. 

My husband and I shared finances, despite times when I wasn’t earning anything because we were based overseas with his job and I wasn’t legally allowed to work, and took unpaid leave to have our children. We would jointly make financial decisions. Some bills in joint names eg utilities, some in sole names eg phone contracts. My husband had a credit card and I had a partner card connected to this account as well as my own credit card. 

We always made sure the bills were paid and then decided what to do with disposable income together. Whether this was from his reliable salary or a windfall from me doing some consultancy work that paid a fortune but was somewhat random and inconsistent. I’d make a few grand from a couple of weeks work and we’d use it to pay a lump sum off a mortgage in my husband’s sole name. Even though I never owned a property and he had one that was rented out in his sole name, we considered it a joint asset and treated it as such. Indeed the rent went into our joint account. At one point we considered adding me to the mortgage but were advised against it so I could remain a first time buyer. 

We were so familiar with both sole and joint incomes and intricacies of our finances that when my husband died unexpectedly last year, I was able to complete and submit his tax return without any problems because we’d always done expenses and income records together. We had separate ISAs to take advantage of the tax breaks, but had joint and sole current and savings accounts. The joint accounts were the accounts we mainly used, but really, the only reason we had sole accounts was so we could buy gifts for each other and retain the surprise. I maintained and managed the children’s savings and ISAs and my husband had a savings account that money was transferred from our joint account into to provide for any emergency rental related expenses. 

As he was in the Armed Forces, it was important for me to have full use and access to his salary for the times that he was deployed. We considered all assets we brought into our marriage as joint, but then again we knew each other since uni so neither of us really had anything when we first met. Had my husband not died when he did, we expected my income to significantly pass his once our children got to school age. We also planned to utilise my first time buyer status to buy a second rental property, then sell them both down the line to buy a forever home. We had annual meetings with a financial advisor too to get help with what to do with our money.