Need advice re Step son taking out loans and getting into Debt.

rich_shot2003

Hope i have posted this thread in the right place but did not know where to put it.

I need some advice please as i am starting to worry a lot about my 23 year old step son who is living with us in our home.

he and i have the same name as when i met his mum some 15 years ago step was called the same 1st name as me and later on he changed his surname to mine so when any letters come i open them as not sure who they are for so we have found out that he has a few debts and he has been missing payments with the likes of Paypal credit which means they are adding £12 late payments each month and every time he gets a letter from them i am telling him he needs to get his payments with them back on track and every time we hear the same thing from him and that is he will but every month the letters keep coming from them so in my view he is not making the payments.

now this week i opened a letter to find that last march he took out a loan for £5000 and has to pay back almost £8000 over 5 years but he never told us about that and we have only found out by opening the letter well its a yearly statement from them and yes he has been making the monthly payments on that one but still we feel what he did was wrong.

Yes he has a full time job but its only on min wage and he still goes out drinking and taking his girlfriend out to see films and all that and i am thinking why not just pay of your debts.

so as far as we know he is about £10,000 in debt so we would like some advice on what to do as so far we have been nice about it but now i am getting a bit sick of it now as he sees me and his mum struggle each month to pay our own bills but we do pay them.

does his missed payments go onto the house or him?

we are getting worried about it now and not sure the best way to deal with it so any advice please.

born_again

While not in line with your question, others can answer.

Missing payments are to the individual, not the  property. 

Have you checked your credit file? Given the same name, just to ensure that they are not being taken out in your name/profile?

stu12345_2

couple of questions how much does he earn a year and how much does he pay you for "digs" money eg board and lodging.
 what did he do with the £5000 was it a car?
 if he works full-time and gives not much for digs he could be out of debt fast.

but I see it's the mentality of of it all, he seems not to be taking the debt seriously.
you need to explain you opened mail. by mistake but please avoid a shouting match or embarrassing him.
this has to be a subtle approach, asking him why he won't pay,  and why he took on debt,and explain the process of what can happen if he doesn't pay.
don't worry  debts  always have a solution and it takes a long while before anything serious happens, months and months

tbh he sounds like I was back in the late 80s living with folks, got loan for a car, hifi etc, but I was on low wage too , but I paid a tiny board and lodging to parents, so it seemed that world would always continue to me. hence the car, hifi loan etc

then I moved out and rented and my cheap world came to an end.

rich_shot2003

stu12345_2 said:

couple of questions how much does he earn a year and how much does he pay you for "digs" money eg board and lodging.
 what did he do with the £5000 was it a car?
 if he works full-time and gives not much for digs he could be out of debt fast.

but I see it's the mentality of of it all, he seems not to be taking the debt seriously.
you need to explain you opened mail. by mistake but please avoid a shouting match or embarrassing him.
this has to be a subtle approach, asking him why he won't pay, and explain the process of what can happen if he doesn't pay.
don't worry  debts  always have a solution and it takes a long while before anything serious happens, months and months

His take home pay each month is around £1300 and he pays us £240 board each month for everything and we pay his phone bill and we pay for things like Netflix and Prime video which he uses.

i do agree with you that he is not taking it very seriously and the odd thing about it is that he has nothing to show for the £5000 so god knows what he did with it.

RAS

This is a sensitive one.

As a young adult, he is entitled to make his own mistakes and we see a lot of people their late twenties and thirties who realise that their money management in the early adulthood now restricts their options going forward.

There is also the complication of your names, and the step relationship. There may be a bit of pushing the boundaries to find out how much you and his mum still love him. There seems to be an increase in dependency that goes well into adulthood with the lower age of majority combined with an increased expectation of dependency in relations to things like benefits and housing.

You haven't explained your own financial situation. Do you rent, have a nearly mortgage free house or a large mortgage with recently increased costs? Decent future pensions or a serious need to top up in the next few years? To what extent are you and his mum on the same page regarding his need to learn financial dependence? What does he currently contribute to the existing family finances.

rich_shot2003

RAS said:

This is a sensitive one.

As a young adult, he is entitled to make his own mistakes and we see a lot of people their late twenties and thirties who realise that their money management in the early adulthood now restricts their options going forward.

There is also the complication of your names, and the step relationship. There may be a bit of pushing the boundaries to find out how much you and his mum still love him. There seems to be an increase in dependency that goes well into adulthood with the lower age of majority combined with an increased expectation of dependency in relations to things like benefits and housing.

You haven't explained your own financial situation. Do you rent, have a nearly mortgage free house or a large mortgage with recently increased costs? Decent future pensions or a serious need to top up in the next few years? To what extent are you and his mum on the same page regarding his need to learn financial dependence? What does he currently contribute to the existing family finances.

We live in Social housing and me and his mum both work.

he pays £240 a month in board which he gets everything for that even things like his phone bill paid each month and to things like Netflix and sky and all that.

so after he pays us his month is his own he has no other bills to pay because we pay them and maybe that is where we went wrong.

stu12345_2

I earned about £7000 a yr back in the late 80s and paid £600 a year in digs to my folks.  no mobiles or Netflix back in those days,so life was good but I wanted that new car etc , so I got into debt. I couldn't care less about apr etc, as long as I met the repayments.

 did your stepson go on  foreign holidays does he have any addictions he is hiding, eg gambling..drugs 
is it a serious girlfriend  etc is he lending or giving her money , does she have money problems 

RAS

I'm inclined to agree with you on the last line. Obviously, you are all fortunate to be in social housing but that doesn't make it OK for him to be living a massively subsidised life at his age. 

You and mum need to talk long and hard and then have a long and hard discussion with him about making a proper contribution to the household. Perhaps also setting out your joint long term aspirations, like he needs to move out in some sort of time line (years rather than months). 

There's also the whole issue of respectful use of resources. My sibling was quite capable of eating 4 portions of proper bolognais sauce because they didn't think it was right that they'd have the inconvenience of cooking pasta to go with it. And the utility bills halved when they moved out as they were no longer cranking up the heating, opening the windows and going out leaving the whole house insecure.

Time to set some boundaries, but you as a couple need to be very secure in your joint choices, from who cooks and washes up to how much he contributes to the utility bill. I'd suggest going forward at least quarterly meetings to discuss household issues, so he is a capable adult when he moves into his first digs. 

elsien

I do think you need to be careful about the boundaries though, and discussing the things that impact you and leaving alone the ones that don’t,  even if you don’t agree. 

 “yes he has been making the monthly payments on that one but still we feel what he did was wrong”

He took out a loan. He is keeping up with the payments. Whether you agree with him taking it out or not is irrelevant. 

enthusiasticsaver

His missed payments go on his individual credit file not the house. If you are in social housing anyway the house is not at risk.

You can point out that his actions are damaging his credit history and if he needed to move out and rent his own place he would struggle as landlords can credit score potential tenants. 

Other than that you need to get the post situation sorted as opening his letters is an invasion of privacy. Make sure you charge him appropriate board and lodgings but you may have to let him make his own mistakes when it comes to managing money and live with the consequences. Don’t lend him money. If he is 23 he is an adult and should be making a proper contribution. Work out bills and food and make him pay his way. Also talk to him about when he plans to be financially independent by moving into his own place. 

Lonelygambler

As a gambling addict, I would want to explore that avenue with your step son.