Wont Pay A Penny, and does it matter?

macaroni

IWasWondering... wrote: »

I don't know what the law is in Scotland but when my DS was small because the biological father and I were not married he had no parental responsibility OR rights of any kind.

Since 2003 in England if the father is named on the birth certificate he has automatic parental responsibility.

Unfortunately that doesnt apply in scotland, so it depends where the child was born.

LINK

OP, have you spoken to someone about benefits youre entitled to? I know youre living with your mum but surely you are entitled to more than £57 a week?!

Where do you want to be long term? Is living with your mum something you both want or do you aim to get your own place?

Deotriese

Damien was born in England - His father is named on the birth certificate and he has Daniel's second name, hence Daniel DOES have parental responsibility.

I am looking for somewhere on my own with Damien but its a struggle as I need housing benefit and need to be near my mother to care for her if she needs it.

I'm entitled to Child Benefits, Child Tax (both of which I get) and Income Support (which I cant get until the CSA thing is sorted out.)

I have sent in the forms to the CSA, waiting for a response now. Regarding custody, i'm considering visiting the CAB, but I'd like our current arrangements to be legally binding rather than go through the courts.

I know for a fact that Daniel will most likely get Damien on weekends, an arrangement which wouldnt suit him at all, as the round train trip takes 10 hours! So he would end up seeing Damien for 2 hours before he had to bring him back!. Hopefully I could use this as leverage to get him to accept our current agreement...after all, I don't see what the difference is between us saying it verbally and writing it down, unless he has some plot to take Damien away from me and he doesnt want anything legally binding to stop him!

blue_monkey_2

Hmmm, OK, I just Googled this and I see the law changed in 2003.

The only way you can have a legally binding agreement is through the court, other than it is going to be a mutual agreement and if he changes his mind or tells you that he might not bring him back or that you have to go and get him again then you will have nothing to fall back on. When you go to court the court will look at all the day to day stuff and say best when Damien sees his father what days he has time and when he brings him back (usually Friday night/Saturday morning to Sunday night but nothing to stop him staying in a Travelodge in your area is there?), he will be able to say 'actually no, I can't do that' but you won't be able to change it as and when you please to get more money, it does not work like that.

Remember, it may sound a long way off but in a few years time he will be at nursery and then school so then he will have a 10 mile round trip as well and it will HAVE to be at weekends then, you can't take him in and out of school as his father pleases. Can I ask who looks after him in the week that he is with him if he is working?

The thing is, if he wants to see his son then he has to get used to the travelling and if he does WANT to see him then he WILL do the travelling, it is what parents do. However, don't forget that HE is the one who told you to leave so don't go bending over backwards to be helping him out and keeping him happy - it is tough as far as I can see and no, you should not stop him seeing him, but if you want things done properly then it has to be done properly and the courts is the only way to go. Until he reaches school age the courts will still agree to the week arrangement if it suits you - just that if he refuses to bring him back then you can do something about it without you going all the way down there yourself.

You are still not getting any money from him are you, and going to the CSA will only inflame the whole situation now. You really have got to think of the whole picture here. While Damien has no 'residence' (that is that there is no 'legal' paperwork to say where he lives, who he lives with and when he is in their care) then your Ex could well take him and not bring him back go and see a solicitor tell them that you are trying to come back and get him and ask for residence - and then you will have a huge fight on your hands on trying to prove where he actually lives. You are going to HAVE to get paperwork. So, if you have been to the CSA you MUST go see a solicitor at the same time to get the ball rolling - if you have sent the forms to the CSA then I would put off any further dates of him having him (think of a reason) until you have had a meeting with a solicitor to see what he/she advises. Otherwise who is going to know where Damien was living if his father refuses to bring him back next time? I am sorry to scare you but if you want things to be done right there really is only one way am afraid, and by going to the CSA to get more money from him you are going to **** him off if what he has said in the past is anything to go by and he is going to be looking at a way to get his own back. As you have said, there has to be a reason why he does not want things to be done properly and as he has already done the dirty on you once then I would not trust him one little bit (but that is just me!)

I am sorry to worry you but you already have these things in your head to think they may happen. Do what is right for both you and your son, sod your ex (who was happy enough to see you both on the streets and is content to see you both struggle with no money) and look after yourselves, get what you can in the way of security of residence and let him MAKE the time to see his son regardless of the journey - he should of thought about this before he kicked you out to move his bit of skirt in!! I am sorry to be blunt but look around him being your ex and I know you probably still have feelings for him, but it is time to move on and look after yourselves. And get yourselves on the Council/Housing Assossication list ASAP!! Go visit the council and explain your situation.

OK, I want to tell you what happened to my neighbour - and this was before 2003 so the father did not have parental responsibilies. Her ex and his mother picked up the baby (18 months) took her for the weekend and refused to bring the baby back. I want you to beware of something like this happening - it took 4 weeks before she could see her baby again and then the judge straightaway said 'get the baby back with it's mother' but this might be very different with you being in 'different countries' and having different legal ways of things happening. As I said, please, please be careful and see a solicitor as soon as is possible, call on Monday to see if you can get an appointment for later this week, they should be working on NE Eve but not NY Day. Stress that it is urgent, it is a family law case and you are worried your ex is going to take your son and that you would need legal aid. They should see you within a few days for cases like yours. If you are working your employer has to give you 3 months unpaid leave (I beleive) for matters relating to your child so you can take the time off work and get this sorted without worrying about your job.

So, deep breathe, write a list of what you need to do. Can I ask when is the next time that he has him for the week? I would put this off until you have spoken to the solicitor and have taken their advice incase he takes revenge after getting the papers from the CSA. It might be that he writes to your ex asking him to clarify arrangements and then you will have something in writing via solicitors to present to the court that says he lives with you and has weekly visits to his dad's SHOULD he decide he is not bringing him back. Just something as simple as this will make all the difference should he decide to take things into his own hands.

Oh, and do what I said about the phone - do not take any form of harrassment, keep that phone separate from yours and this way you don't have to worry about the phone going off and getting abusive messages. Get another phone and give that number to anyone who will not have contact with your ex and if anyone else calls on the old phone they will have to wait for you to call them back. The sad thing in all of this is that your son is the most important thing here and it is hard but you need to do this for his security more than anything else. It is hard but in a years time you'll look back and realise it was all worth it I promise.

Please, please come back and tell us how things are going and if you want to sound off or need any advice then please do ask for it - we are all here to help and support you where we can It is hard when you have no-one to turn to for advice and support. Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best and please do let us know. x

blue_monkey_2

Oh Deo,

Have you applied for Tax Credits as well as (and I am guessing you get) Income Support? You should also get free veg vouchers and milk tokens (someone will correct me on this too). Do you pay your mother rent? you should be able to get this too. Make sure you speak to the CAB at the same time to ensure you get all the benefits you are entitled to.

Also have a look on http://www.entitledto.co.uk/ I put your details in you should be entitled to around £45 a week Child Tax Credits and on the welfare rights website http://www.welfarerights.net/guides/incomesupport.html it says you should get allowances of £47 for your son and £57 for you. This would depend on how much rent/council tax benefits you get as well though.

So I would get that checked out right away. Maybe I missed something but that is the way that I read it. Have a read through.

lindsaygalaxy

Hi, im so sorry to hear you are having a tough time of it. If you ever wanna chat just pm me, i have kinda been where you are with the maintanance thing and i know how stressul the argueing can be.

With making friends, im not sure how old your little one is, but have you thought about joining and parent -child group, or swimming session once a week, i found it a great way to meet other mums.

Im not sure how the housing register works in scotland, but make sure you are in it, or find out how much the maximum they allow a week is, and go private, a little 1 or 2 bed flat would be great for you at the moment and give you some space and independence.

I feel for you, as I know I wouldnt have felt comfortable with my baby going away or a week at a time with someone in the family or not. I would definetly go to court and get his access sorted out. If it is every weekend or something then he has to make the effort to do it.
A fried of mines OH travels from here to scotland ( live in berkshire, south from London) twice a month on a friday night after work, to sunday night to see his son. I he feels the need to bring your son back to wher ehe lives instead of staying in scotland for the weekend then that is up to him.

As for being worried about him not coming back with him, i wouldnt worry, he doesnt sound too keen on havign him full time, it would be too expensive for him!

As for surviving on little money, there are a few ways to make some extra cash. Sign up to all the casback, survey and click through sites eg pigsback,valueopions, onepll and toluna. Also mystery shopping sites.
Then there is sellign old baby stuff. You can sell bundles of baby clothes onebay and make some money back, just make sure you check the postage you put, as they weigh more than they look!

And as for maintanance, stop feeling guilty! He made the choice also to have a baby, then done the dirty on you! He now must pay for his child! You have nothign to feel bad or guilty about, and i know your probbaly just fed up of the arguements, but thats what he is hoping for. If you go back to work and come of income support, you will then receieve the full 15% of his income which you are entitled to! Things may change in months to come so you need to think ahead for this.

You can get help with childcare rom tax credits if you do go back to work part time. Im not sure what you have done in the past, but I would say a 16 hours a week in a pub or clothes shop would be great as you get to meet new people and be more sociable.

Look at this all as a new beginnign for you both. He has to pay maintanace, go get legal aid and get access sorted asap and enjoy things again.

bestpud

Deotriese wrote: »

I'm not looking to deny Daniel access on a permenant basis, just until I get some form of agreement with him that allows me to get my income support.

If Damien were to ask when hes a little older, id simply say to him that his mummy (me) didnt have enough pennies to take him to visit his daddy, and that daddy didn't want to share his pennies, but that it was no ones fault, just that we lived lots of miles apart and it cost a lot.

I never deny my son his fathers love, thats what, above all, makes me feel worst. Daniel adores Damien, I know he does, but he simply wants to take take take, and he refuses to accept the financial burden. Why should I raise Damien on my own pitiful £57 a week, when with Daniel paying what he's supposed to I could get what is, to me, a considerable amount more through income support.

So I have a lot to think about. My child has a half brother, and if I deny Daniel access I deny his half brother too. I dont WANT to do this, but its beginning to seem like my only option

It is clear that you are thinking of withdrawing contact until he pays up. The 'fear' of him not bringing him back is a side issue here!

You need to sort out a formal arrangement so you all know where you are but you are wrong to use contact as leverage for money!!!

If you are passive and so afraid to contact the CSA, then why on earth would you want to envoke the inevitable response you will get if you tell him he can't see his son??? That just doesn't make sense to me!

You've had a difficult time and are resentful but don't make the mistake of using your son because that will only end in tears. Plus, if you are worried how you will come across in a custody battle, then that is sure to look great!

He doesn't seem the sort to keep hold of his son to me. I'd have said it would be the last thing he wants. If he hints at it then he is probably just doing what you are and using a little boy as a weapon.