Wont Pay A Penny, and does it matter?

Deotriese

Ok, i'm 18 and a single mother...my ex has our eight month old son once a month for a week...but he refuses to pay maintenance. I originally had an "I'll buy him things" agreement with him, but that's gone out the window...

I'm unable to work at the moment as I have no one to care for my son and childcare is out of the question financially.

You see the problem is, I got a letter from the government regarding my income support application telling me I HAD to apply for maintenance or I wouldnt get my income support. But my point is, on income support do I even see a penny of the maintenance? If not, whats the point in them making me apply!

This is causing a lot of bad blood between us, as Daniel (my ex) keeps sending me texts now calling me a moneygrabber and not putting Damien (my son) first. The problem is he doesn't believe that i'm being forced to claim.

He also says I'll get about £4 a week.

I don't have a clue what's going on, and need advice.. also, am I within my rights to stop him seeing Damien until he comes to an agreement over this? Because he's now stopped buying him clothes and things and i'm struggling twice as badly because of it. I had to cope with christmas on my own and I'm only getting about £57 a week at the moment!


Sigh! Please help.

Becles

Firstly access and maintenance are two seperate things that are not connected to each other at all.

The letter is correct. If you are claiming Income Support, you have no option and have to make a claim for maintenance with the CSA. The only exception is in cases such as domestic abuse where your life may be at risk if you try and claim for the absent parent.

You will get an additional £10 maintenance on your benefit, and any additional money they take from him is used to cover the cost of paying the rest of your benefit rather than it coming out of the governments pockets.

It would be cruel to stop access because you and Daniel are having an argument. You should never use the child as a pawn in your battles, as in time the child may grow up and resent you for doing this. It is better for everything to be friendly and continue as normal with Damien, and have your arguments in private! All he wants is a loving relationship with both parents and you both need to work to make sure he gets this.

I was a single mother too, so I know how hard it is trying to keep things friendly for the sake of the children and struggling with money.

Did you know that you can get help with childcare costs through Tax Credits? That may be an option if you did decide to return to work.

If you can get a job working over 16 hours a week, you might be better off as you'll get your wages, working tax credits and child tax credits and the help with childcare costs. The maintenance isn't included when working out how much you'll get in tax credits, so you can keep every penny of it without it affecting the other benefits. I was better off working part time, although I didn't claim childcare costs as my Mam babysat for free! Have a play on www.entitledto.co.uk or see the Lone Parent Advisor at the job centre to see if you would be better off in a part time job.

Good luck!

Deotriese

Thanks... The thing about him not seeing Damien is I feel resentful as he's not supporting his son at all, just sitting down there and picking up his son for a week whenever he likes in the month, so he's getting all the play and none of the responsibility as whenever it gets tough he just dumps Damien on his mother.

Also, there's a problem with visitation - Daniel lives 195 miles away in Manchester, im up in Scotland. Last time Damien visited, Daniel said he would take him and bring him back as he gets cheap train fares. He came, took him down and then called me and said I had to come and get him back. The train fare cost me £99 - so you can imagine the impact that had on me and the £57 a week I get (That is child tax credits, by the way.)

I was happy with our original agreement, which was that Daniel bring Damien back and take him down, as it only costs him around £40 overall, plus buy a few things for him whilst he was down like nappies and any clothes he needed whilst there. When I did a CSA calculation it came up that he owed about £66.91 a month (probably completely wrong, the calculator confused me) so this seemed fair to me - It was basically an 'i'll pay for him whilst he's with me, you pay when he's with you" agreement, that covered the trainfares on his side.

He's earning a good wage, living in his own flat, etc, etc, and im struggling so much I need to live with my parents at the moment, and he made me fork out that money, that I simply didnt have.

So my reasons for wanting to deny access til I get some money is partly resentment and partly the fear of that financial strain. My parents are letting me off rent free for a while til I get my income support but as soon as that comes through i have to pay it - and I AM supporting Damien on my own. My parents dont pay for that, and I pay for most of my meals myself, only eating with them when my mum makes a big joint meal.

I want my son to have a relationship with his dad, but its hard to work it all out at the moment. I REALLY need this money to come through before I can think about it properly.

I also have the constant fear that Daniel wont bring Damien back - he's hinted at it a few times.

Hapless_2

You have no right to stop him seeing his child. Your child is not a tool of war.
you admit you resent you ex and you are refusing access because of it. The only one who will suffer will be your child. Sorry to sound harsh, but my OH is often refused access for the reason of money, yet we have a court order. If you are on Income Support, you will get £10 maintenence I think.
You have no reason to deny access and doing so will only make you look bad should he ever take you to court for it.

Deotriese

Deotriese wrote: »

Daniel lives 195 miles away in Manchester, im up in Scotland. Last time Damien visited, Daniel said he would take him and bring him back as he gets cheap train fares. He came, took him down and then called me and said I had to come and get him back. The train fare cost me £99 - so you can imagine the impact that had on me and the £57 a week I get (That is child tax credits, by the way.)




I also have the constant fear that Daniel wont bring Damien back - he's hinted at it a few times.

I bet your OH has never done anything like that, though, has he?

Should he take me to court i'll simply tell them that he's refusing me maintenance, sending me harrassing text messages to the point where I've now had to change my number, and causing me to worry about whether or not the next time he takes him down will be the last time I see him.

I have very serious concerns, its not just resentment. I was honest enough to admit that, yes I am a little bitter - but that is not the only reason I want to deny access so please dont bite my head off. I need this money from him not to bleed him dry, but so that I can get income support and SURVIVE. Then, should the occasion arise that he needs me to pick Damien up again i'll be better equipped to go and get him without losing two weeks worth of money. I had to borrow that money off of my parents and live off £37 a week for about 5 weeks. Its tough enough on the £57.

Besides the point, why shouldn't he pay for someone he helped to create? My original agreement with him never put a penny in my pocket and I don't want his money, so long as Damien has it - but if its the only way to get MY money then I have to do it.

Scarlett1

Deo you need to have some proper access sorted out I think it was unfair for your ex to have made you take the trip to pick your son up, if he has him then he should be in charge of bringing him back, if it keeps happening then come to different access arrangements or visit the CAB to proper advice, if you claim IS then you have to advise them of the father so they can chase for maintenace, that money is paid back to the government for you IS, do what you think is in the best interest of your child

I'mcomingbackasaman

Your life sounds pretty stressful at the moment, just leave the subject of maintenance and dads access arrangement to his son to a solicitor to sort out, you can get legal aid because of your low income.

You just concentrate on having a nice break at Christmas with your baby and book an appointment with a solicitor in the New Year.

Jet

I'm a single parent who doesn't get a penny in maintenance. I work part time and have tax credits top up my income.

I let my son see his Dad as often as he wishes. My son also knows who provides financially and who doesn't.

If you are on income support you will get to keep £10 a week, if you work more than 16 hours you can keep the lot. It is not up to the tax payer to provide for your child, it is up to both the parents.

What I would say is that while you are on income support, there is no way you can pay that sort of train fare.

If he is on a good wage (employed rather than self employed) then he should pay 15% of his take home salary for your son.

I know it's frustrating that he is taking none of the responsbility, but that's just the way it is and until you go to the CSA, nothing will change will it?

Just be aware that the CSA are not known for being great at extracting payment from ex partners, so don't expect your £10 in a hurry.

Deotriese

Thanks for the advice. I understand that there are a lot of fathers who pay maintenance on here and haven't done anything wrong, but my ex isn't like you, he's refusing any kind of payment, and im certainly not going to ask for any more once its claimed, I only really want my income support, and am considering paying any maintenance I receive into Damien's trust fund unless there comes a time I really need it.

Damiens next visit to his father is the end of January, and every time he is away I fret to the point I almost make myself sick. He refuses to contact me at any time, texting my mother to say he's picking Damien up, then nothing whilst Damien's down there. The main problem is Daniels mother is pulling the strings.. I dont want to sound like a cow but Daniels mother is a real money grabber. Every time Daniel gets paid she 'borrows' money and only pays half of it back - it was a cause of many arguments when we were together - in fact im convinced that she had a part in our break up. Ultimately, I think her plan is to get custody of Damien for Daniel, and she's telling him what to do to wind me up so I look bad in court.

I do realise how paranoid that sounds, but its exactly the kind of thing she would do. She's obsessed over babies, and had a real soft spot for Damien - though it was no secret she hated me, and the feeling was mutual.

I changed my number, as my feelings for Daniel still hadn't really gone away and I found it difficult to ignore his harrassing texts. I felt it was the only way to avoid manipulation.

enemes

Hi ... another point worth picking up on is your concerns for your son while he is in manchester with his dad. I think you have reason to be concerned, but it will have to involve your lawyer.

Scottish residence ( or custody) does not prevail south of the border. Any order for contact must therefore include provision that the order applies in England too.

If his dad has taken him away for a week, surely the responsibilty is on him to ensure his safe return. However, if you are incurring extra costs, you can claim for these expenses form the Community Care Grant, I think.

Surely in the years to come, your son will start nursery ( available at three here in Scotland) and school, therefore this contact arrangement can't continue for ever.

It may seem daunting at the moment, but getting legal advice would be a start, and while you are on IS, you can sort the contact arrangements out ... not for you, or your ex, but for your son's sake.

Hapless_2

Actually we live 250 miles away from OH other children now and their mother has poisoned them against him. No thank you's at christmas or birthdays, no contact off them despite buying them a mobile so they didn't have to use their mums phone. Still nothing. for 12 years he was refused access because he didn't give her money. The reason? CSA said no payment due, he never earned enough to start with. If you have that many issues with him, go to court and tell the court your concerns let them make the decision on access. His mother will not be involved with the court process unless she applies herself for contact under section 8 of the childrens act 1989, which she has full legal right to do. If you refuse access yourself without the court behind you then you are heading for big problems. Remember we only have your side of the story on here.

Actually as you are in Scotland, she may already have rights to contact.