Wont Pay A Penny, and does it matter?

kelloggs36

Whilst you are on income support you have no choice but to supply the information required in order that the CSA may calculate how much maintnenace is due from your ex. Anything over a tenner per week you won't see, as it will be offset against your benefits. Your ex will get a reduction for the shared care element or the high contact costs, but not both. He will need to apply for a Variation if he chooses to opt for the high contact costs.

Your tax credits will change if you get a job of 16 hours per week or more - it isn't fixed, it is based on your income and so unless you know what you will earn, you won't have any idea about how much you will get in tax credits.

The CSA are the ones who will chase your ex, it isn't your job to do this, all you have to do is to supply the information then leave it to them. If he doesn't like it then tough to be honest - he is a parent and therefore has to face the responsibilities of being such based on the law as it currently stands. Whether we agree or not with the law is irrelevant, we must however abide by it. If he gives you a hard time, you can legitimately say that it is not your doing, you are only complying with the law.

Deotriese

Thanks again.

I know secretly that I really have to do this no matter what he says, but to be honest I wish I didn't have to - I'm quite a passive person and I wish we could just do this amicably but I can see this going to court. Sigh.

As for the custody thing, I WANT Daniel to be able to see Damien, but the problem is we dont have any FORMAL custody orders, only a verbal agreement. I suggested visiting a lawyer and getting our current arrangements made legal, but for some reason he doesn't want to do that - which makes me all the more suspicious. I have broached the subject of custody with him, but he just wont budge, so I guess I will have to get legal aid. The problem is ive always suffered from depression, and im scared if it goes to court he'll say im mentally incapable of caring for my son (I'm fine, but I used to self harm, etc, and then I had a bout of post natal depression). I'm so scared that one way or another i'll lose my son and it really would kill me. My son means everything to me.

msmicawber

Hi and try not to worry. In some ways you're in a rotten position, but in others, you have a lot going for you.

It strikes me that it wouldn't do any harm for you to apply for maintenance - I understand what you say about being a naturally passive person, but you have the perfect 'excuse': "I had no choice", and you're a mother who wants what's best for your son. Please view this as separate from contact arrangements.

I have no support from my children's father and it's hard. At the moment, you're young and so is your son and you're quite right that you'd receive virtually no benefit from the money that your ex would be expected to pay. But in the future your situations will change - your son will be at nursery and then at school and you'll be in a better position to work (I'd recommend you studying in the meantime and developing some qualifications while he's little, so please at least look into what's available for you locally since colleges and universities now have all sorts of childcare available and while you're receiving benefits you're also eligible for a lot of fee waivers). Once things begin to change for you, then the maintenance will be payable directly to you and you'll be able to use it to improve life for your son. I think it will benefit you in the long run.

As far as contact is concerned, you owe it to your son not to hinder access to his father, but you're within your rights to make him apply for it - more expense for him if he has to go through the Courts. I've always been a very vocal against women who prevent access for financial reasons, but lately I've found myself getting rather resentful as I continue to provide everything for our children and their father buys himself properties and cars and holidays yet still receives equal love and a lot more admiration despite his selfishness. Nowadays, I'd say if that's your only trump card, then why not use it. As long as you can explain to your son in the future why you did what you did and feel he'd understand, then do it.

Good luck to you - you've got a lot on your shoulders.
x

Deotriese

I'm not looking to deny Daniel access on a permenant basis, just until I get some form of agreement with him that allows me to get my income support.

If Damien were to ask when hes a little older, id simply say to him that his mummy (me) didnt have enough pennies to take him to visit his daddy, and that daddy didn't want to share his pennies, but that it was no ones fault, just that we lived lots of miles apart and it cost a lot.

I never deny my son his fathers love, thats what, above all, makes me feel worst. Daniel adores Damien, I know he does, but he simply wants to take take take, and he refuses to accept the financial burden. Why should I raise Damien on my own pitiful £57 a week, when with Daniel paying what he's supposed to I could get what is, to me, a considerable amount more through income support.

I also care for my mother, though im not entitled to a carers allowance as I don't do it full time or formally - My mother has MS and has her good and bad days, and as the only one at home for her now I need to be here if she needs me.

So for the person who accused me of bleeding the taxpayers money dry, I do have genuine reasons for needing the money and id just like to say i'd KILL to be out there working.

Do you know why? Because I have no life. My son is EVERYTHING I have going for me. I have little to no friends because Daniel dragged me off to Manchester to live after refusing to move up here like he promised, and I was so stupidly besotted with him I went. Then a few months after my giving birth to his child he announces he's not in love with me anymore, kicks me and Damien out to get a train to my parents with all our belongings, absolutely heartbroken, and a week later he moves his ex back in with her two children, the eldest of whom he announces is his from when they were together before me.

So I have a lot to think about. My child has a half brother, and if I deny Daniel access I deny his half brother too. I dont WANT to do this, but its beginning to seem like my only option

Sagaris

For what it's worth - and I know it's expensive - anything you agree between yourselves should be done legally.
I only say that ( and I await a telling off lol as it's not very money saving!) as my ex and I 'agreed' everything between ourselves before we divorced - and my solicitor said that it wasn't good enough and should be done through the courts. I was also of the opinion not to rock the boat and take the line of least resistance etc - I thought it would be easier in the long run.
Lo and behold, a few years down the line, when my eldest was old enough to go to uni, he wanted to stop paying maintenance, as he said she should live off her loans and any other money she could get. He thought (and still does!) that women should not have a university education, as all they do is get pregnant and stay at home all day doing sweet FA! :mad:
The court order said that he was liable to pay for their upkeep until they finished university education (if that's what they were going to do) but he still tried to argue it - until I went to my solicitor (he wouldn't listen to me - and would only communicate with me in writing!!!) who informed him that he was in the wrong. Daughter completed her degree without any more aggro from him.
If I'd kept to the informal agreement between us, she (and her sister) would not have been able to go to university (the courses they both did are not available to study part time elsewhere) and they wouldn't have the good jobs and prospects they now have.
At the time I thought the solicitor was out to make a bit more money from me (and in the end it wasn't a huge amount) but I was so glad afterwards that I got everything done legally.
Good luck to you in all this, it's a horrible thing to have to go through at any time, especially Christmas.

msmicawber

No Deotriese, none of your posts sound as though you wish to deny your son anything. You've been treated shabbily, by the sound of it, but you don't want your son to suffer. I'd advise speaking to your local CAB as soon as possible and asking them for details of local solicitors who can help. It's unlikely that you'd be expected to pay anything.

Bagpuss1973

I'm sorry to hear your in this situation Deo it must be really hard but to be honest I'm finding it really hard to write something nice.

Your ex "doesn't want to pay maintenance" and you're being accused of being a "moneygrabber"!!

Tell him - his son - he has to pay towards keeping him on the planet! That's just the way it works.

I wouldn't personally have any qualms in passing every last detail of his to the CSA - his problem not yours. I really don't see why you should have to struggle on £57 pound a week when he is working in a "good job".

Why is that some of these young men (not all before the firing squad come in) think they can have young children and then not support them.:eek: It makes me soooo mad!:mad:

blue_monkey_2

Deo you will get legal aid but you MUST get this sorted out for all of your sakes. The courts will give times when he must be brought back and you can state the arrangements. If he breaks these, it is harsh, but you can call the police - but it means security for all of you. The court will not take your son from you, your are his mother and as you and Daniel will not married you have parental responsibilty for him, as his father he will need to ask for Parental Rights, these are not automatically granted unless asked for at the court. It might be different in Scotland though. But go to the CAB and explain all of this to them and ask for a solicitor that deals with Legal Aid and they will help you more. If you need to go to the CSA then go and make him pay the money he has promised but has not paid as he has decided to move someone else is. Hugs all round, there will be an end to all of this but can I suggest you get a cheap PAYG phone and give everyone else this number except Daniel and let him call the number on the old phone. This will mean you can have the phone on you without the fear of being harrassed and not have to worry about who the next call/text is from. maybe give the other phone to your mum and she can then screen calls for you without you giving up your main phone so you can still speak to other people you need to.

Wishing you all the luck for the future - remember, it is about you and your son, you have done everything for your ex and it is time to get it done 'properly' so he cannot mess your son around. be onest with your lawyer about your PND though and please don' think this makes you a bad person, PND is an illness and please do go get help from your GP is you need it, OK.

IWasWondering...

Hi. Sorry to hear about your problems. I don't know what the law is in Scotland but when my DS was small because the biological father and I were not married he had no parental responsibility OR rights of any kind. And as he couldn't be bothered to turn up to visit when he had made arrangements (and left the two of us sat in waiting on several occasions - leaving me with one very upset child) I lost it and told him to f*** o** and never darken my doorstep again. He never (ever) paid maintenance anyway so I was well rid of him. He wasn't that bothered either. Never seen him since.
I met a lovely man when my son was a toddler - and the two of them were besotted with each other until said lovely man died suddenly 2.5 years ago when DS was 9. So now when anyone asks we just tell them that his DAD died.
Anyway to get back to you - next time your ex wants to take your son for a week if I was you I'd tell him no - I can't let you have him because I cannot afford to come down and bring him back unless you leave me the train fare first. Make sure he pays you the train fare he owes you. And if he doesn't believe you about your income support show him the letter saying that you have to claim. Good Luck.

blue_monkey_2

Just another thing to add. You don't have to do anything in regard to his mother - if she wants contact outside of your lad being with his mum then SHE will have to get a court order as well. As I say, go check out your rights but please do not let things that have happened in your PAST deter you from seeing a solicitor. He/she will only want what is the very best for you and your son, you won;t have to pay for it and they won't take your son from you. The point is that here in England a father has NO parental rights (as the person above stated) this is something he has to apply for in the courts.