Son moving back home and buying first home

Jet

My 26 year old son is currently living with my partner and I along with his girlfriend.  He spent 3 years away at uni, came home for a while then moved into a rented home  for 2 years with his girlfriend whilst she finished uni.  They asked to come back to live with us, whilst she got a job (he works remotely from home), said they expected it to be around 6 months whilst they got themselves straight and able to buy.  He has a hefty deposit with the house buying ISA etc etc.  She has only just opened the ISA. We agreed a "keep" price and cooking schedule based on that. I should point out that they keep themselves to themselves and he does more than his fair shares of their chores around the house.  It is noticeable that he does all the chores and not his girlfriend, I wonder if this is also having an effect on what I am about to mention below.

Now he seems to have got all sorts of things into his head, including giving up his (good) job and moving to Japan to teach English, which his girlfriend doesn't want to do.  The latest thing he wants to do is carry on doing his job and try and live in the far east for a year.  Again, this will mean his girlfriend giving up her job, which I doubt she is going to want to do albeit she is on 9 month contract so may find herself jobless in a few months anyway.

On speaking to him he has admitted that buying a house feels such a big commitment and he is scared he's going to get on the housing ladder and then have nothing but a lifetime of drudgery and routine.  He has also said that his girlfriend won't be earning enough to pay her "half" of the mortgage.  She earns about 28k he earns 45k.

My partner is understandably a bit put out that my son isn't doing what he said he would do and it is causing a bit of friction.  I feel a bit torn between wanting my son to "grow up" and get himself a house but also understanding his natural fears of being tied to a mortgage at 26.

For context my partner has 4 children which I have brought up in our home, we expect the youngest to come home and live with us when she finishes uni later this year, so we will also have to come up with something for fair for her whilst she lives with us too.

I realise this is a bit emotive and whilst I really want to support my son, I don't feel that the current temporary arrangement is going to work for everyone on a more long term basis.

elsien

“I realise this is a bit emotive and whilst I really want to support my son, I don't feel that the current temporary arrangement is going to work for everyone on a more long term basis.”

That’s what you need to be saying to him. If he doesn’t want to buy a house at present and wants to go abroad to Japan, then fine,  do that that’s his decision to make. You only live once.

So say to him that you will support whatever choice he wants to make but drifting along isn’t an option, so they either seriously look to buy somewhere, they move out to rent again, or he takes himself off to Japan. Be clear that this was meant to be a temporary arrangement and temporary is now up. He earns a good wage, he’s not going to be homeless. The relationship side of things if she doesn’t want to fit in with his choices is down to them to sort.

BrassicWoman

You offered him six months; remind him of that. Everything else is down to him and his partner. 

sammyjammy

If they did buy a house they can do some via tenants in common where he owns more and pays that share accordingly, same with deposit.

On the chores front, maybe she feels awkward about it being your house and doesn't want to interfere

MEM62

OP;  Your son needs to decide what he wants to do in life.  It doesn't sound like he is ready to settle and that's OK but he need to start adulting and making some decisions / plans as to what he does want to do in life.  

Spendless

How far past the initial 6 months living with you are son and gf? That's the only part that concerns you, the rest is your son's decision to make about his life.

Don't get me wrong, I understand your concerns, my own son married last year at 23, spent his last year at Uni engaged and I still think he's a bit 'young' and wonder sometimes at decisions made, but I'm sure at times my parents felt the same way about me.

You can certainly think whatever you want, you can also say it but be prepared for it to be ignored.

I also think since gf doesn't wish to go to Japan and the comments about she wouldn't be able to pay her 'half' of a mortgage (so presumably he only wishes to buy a house alone or with a partner that earns a similar amount to himself? ) I do wonder if the relationship has come to the end of the line and this is his 'get out clause'  

You're not describing someone who is 'dossing' instead your son is contemplating experiencing  living/working abroad for a while. He doesn't need to have his life sorted at 26. 

gwynlas

I would encourage him to take the chance of working abroad if he can and if that means he and partner split up then that is what was meant to be. He can keep the deposit already saved and if he and partner stay together then safeguard this in writing/ Really they would best be taking a break following university.

Exodi

Jet said:

On speaking to him he has admitted that buying a house feels such a big commitment and he is scared he's going to get on the housing ladder and then have nothing but a lifetime of drudgery and routine.  He has also said that his girlfriend won't be earning enough to pay her "half" of the mortgage.  She earns about 28k he earns 45k.

Since everyone has addressed the other points, I just wanted to touch upon this one.

He needs to be more realistic. In a Utopian world, he will meet someone who also earns exactly £45k with the exact same outgoings as he does, but we don't live in a Utopian world. Relationships are built on compromise, they are not business transactions.

In the past, my partner and I split costs relative to income, so in your sons case where he earns 1.6x what she does, it might be appropriate to contribute 1.6x the bills. Regarding the mortgage, if it is important to him, he can ensure he is appropriately compensated by purchasing the property as tenants in common with a deed of trust in place.

It is not conducive to a good relationship if you force an equal split despite unequal incomes, and have one person living in poverty while the other has more money than they know what do with.

As he is a decent earner for his age, it is inevitable that a lot of future partners of his will earn less than him (unless he intends to include income requirements on his dating profile).

lincroft1710

26 is not especially young to be getting a mortgage, I was the same age and buying my first house to live in on my own (no partner at the time). Advantage of getting a mortgage at that age is that it could be paid off by the time you're 50 or so

elsien

Whereas I chose to do the opposite. Used my money for travelling and holidays and bought later in life. 

Yes, it’s a different world now with regards to costs of rent or  house buying but I completely get why he doesn’t want to tie himself down at 26. 

OldMusicGuy

It's possible he is having doubts about committing to the house/flat purchase and the relationship. He may be trying to create stresses that will potentially break the relationship without him having to do it directly. 

I was in a similar position when I left Uni a long time ago. I had a girlfriend who made it very clear she wanted to get married, buy a house and settle down. I went along with this even though I knew it wasn't really what I wanted to do that early in my life. However, I couldn't bring myself to end the relationship as I genuinely had feelings for my girlfriend. So we got married, bought a house and.........were divorced after 14 unhappy months. We both realised we wanted different things out of life. I should have ended the relationship before committing to getting married and buying a house.

10 years later I got married, settled down and had a family. Have been married for over 30 years. 

It sounds like your son may be feeling the same as I did. Based on my experience, I would advise you don't force him down the "buy a property" path. It's clear his girlfriend isn't the top of his priority list, so there are question marks there. But you do need to get him to make some decisions soon.