Money Moral Dilemma: Should my partner contribute to us repaying Child Benefit?

JayD

It would seem that your relationship has been ongoing for quite a long time - so why can't you talk to each other about these things? A public forum cannot have that conversation for you! Sit down with her and explain how you are feeling about the current financial situation and then listen to how SHE feels about it. With luck, two adults who apparently care a great deal about each other, will come to an amicable agreement.

MamaOwldeTrois

Ever since I moved in with my partner (almost 25yrs ago now) we have shared our joint income freely with one another. At times, he earned more, sometimes I did. Now I’m part-time (helps with 2/3 kids being neurodivergent) but I still earn more. I also have the option of overtime, which he doesn’t, so sometimes my hours exceed his (and my salary even more so). All our income is paid into joint accounts and the bills come out of there. What’s left is ours. Not his or mine. Ours. He doesn’t need to ask my permission to buy something and vice versa, but we do ask out of politeness for bigger purchases - though this is as much about courtesy and ensuring no calendar clashes, childcare is sorted etc. as it is about spending. 

Incidentally, when we bought our home (8yrs and one baby into our relationship), he contributed the entirety of our deposit with inheritance he had received. He was adamant that, even in the event of our separation, that money was to be shared equally, as, in his words, even if he hates me,  I will still be the mother of his children. 

We are a partnership. He is my best friend. I am in love with who he is, not what he brings in financially. If someone is your partner, why would you want to see them struggle? Even if the child in question is not yours, you were aware of them prior to embarking on a relationship with their mother. Why wouldn’t you be ‘all in’ on this relationship? 

Surely the big question is, in the event that, far in the future, you die before her, how will she manage financially, given that you have a well-fed pension pot and hers is likely to be low (as for all women), due to maternity leave, reduced hours etc? How can you work together to boost her pension? If you don’t care about this, or feel it is not your concern, I question your long term commitment to this woman. 

RickieFlack

So your working out the best way to defraud the taxpayer, who is most likely earning a lot less than you, and your worried about shared costs, well boo hoo!

TheRedHerring

While I can appreciate that finances are personal even within families, to make a valid judgement more detail is required not just with who earns what, who spends what and where, but hours of employed work and how housework and childcare is divided within the home.  Back in the 1970's I had a friend who was earning more than her husband but when they got home he headed for a hot bath while she cooked the evening meal and did the housework.  Thankfully and hopefully those days are long gone.

Nearlythere23

You aren't a couple if you still see money coming into the household as "hers" and "mine" - if you are truly a partnership then you have to accept that it is highly unlikely that both people will earn the same at various times.  Work out what is best financially for you as a couple - so it makes sense for you to avoid losing the child benefit and you will be getting 40%  top up into your pension - and yes 39 feels young to be putting so much in -  but it will be worth so much more than putting the equivalent amount in later so as long as it isn't leaving your family struggling to make ends meet then might as well do it.  Then you have to look to see if she has any pension provision  - its very unfair that you are setting yourself up nicely while she would be struggling in old age if you aren't together.   

Bottom line though, if you are committed then you work together to set yourselves up as a couple for old age - so if you have a big pension that's fine, because you will both be living off it - and yes, you will still be contributing more to the family "pot" even after you retire.

So if you put all your income into a joint account, then pay all the bills, food, childcare, holidays, spending, additional pension contributions and any left over you split 50/50 you would effectively be splitting everything that you spend in proportion to what you both earn and your contribution to the family would be equally recognised - and for some couples that might actually mean the lower earner gets more into their savings than they earned in the first place.

If you are not comfortable with "whats yours is mine and whats mine is yours" then I think you should probably split up now and let her find a man who actually cares for his partner and sees her as an equal even if financially she is not contributing so much.

Husbandofstinky

Personally (and if you can afford it), I would continue to pay the requested pension contributins. All due to the tax benefts (40% and NIC),  as well as the pension benefits and the HIBC. 

Before you ask, in percentage terms, I do pay very similar amounts due to the above reasons. Personal circumstances of course, but my other half has a good salalry and very good pension benefits too. Whatever works

chozen12

My wife and I are one family unit so ever since we bought a house together, my wife and I have pooled our incomes and don't have our own individual money.  So sorry, I can't relate to your scenario but you definitely need to sit down and talk it through as harbouring any sort of resentment is not healthy

Stato71

There is no indication as to partner salary and any outgoings, and no indication as to your overall financial situation as a family, so a lot of unknowns.

However as others have said you probably need to discuss the wider financial situation first.

Specific to Child Benefit as a higher rate tax payer you have 3 options as I see it, 1 continue to top up your pension, 2 pay back the benefit money, 3 arrange to keep the National Insurance credits for your partner but stop claiming the money.

With option 1 you don't have to faff about with repayment, you get a bigger pension pot for later life with the benefits of tax incentives, but you have less income now.

With option 2 you have to repay the money at the end of the tax year, but you have more income now. You could put the benefit money in a saving account and earn a bit of interest on it before giving it back the following year.

With option 3 your partner still gets NI credits, you get your full income now, but you don't get the CB money but it doesn't sound like you actually need it.

Personally I went with option 2 in a similar sounding situation.  Mainly due to not wanting additional money tied up in a Pension, I prefer Stocks and Shares ISA for that money, and never being sure about job security so taking the money and giving it back always felt safer.

marajo

If you are in a partnership, and you have children together, then you should probably be working as a team. My husband and I pool our salaries in a joint bank account. I earn considerably less than my husband and I work part-time because I do much more of the childcare and chores. My husband recognises that the work I do in the house is of equal value to the work he does outside of the house (ie his paid work) and so by pooling our salaries I am ‘paid’ for the house work that is not paid for by society. Astounding that in 2024 we still expect women to do work in the house for free and don’t recognise it as work. The precursor to child benefit was family allowance, which was originally intended to be paid to the person in the house who did the bulk of the childcare in recognition of that unpaid work - usually, but not always the woman. Obviously households are of different shapes and sizes now, but the concept is the same - if one person is doing the bulk of the childcare and running of the house, then they shouldn’t be disadvantaged financially because of that. The gender pensions gap is another huge area of disadvantage for women, so I really hope the OP is allowing his partner to contribute the same percentage as him into her pension, if not substantially more, to recognise her lower income!

Edina_Typhoon

Are you are partnership or not?  I must be very old fashioned but when my husband and I got married, we had a joint account and everything was paid for out of that.  None of  'this is my money, this is yours' etc.  Our life is shared, our funds are shared.