Scottish Divorce - Do I stay or do I go? I’m in such a mess

BillieBoy
BillieBoy Posts: 40
First Anniversary First Post
Forumite
Thank you so much in advance for all of your help.

I apologise if I suddenly delete this thread but it’s so specific that family members or friends might see it and I feel so embarrassed about the situation.

I met my husband circa 10 years ago in England. He said he didnt earn much after his childcare payments were taken out of his salary so when he moved in to my house he didn’t pay anything towards bills. He complained of various ailments (never substantiated) and due to poor attendance at work they let him go after 18 months. I sold my house at a reasonable profit and we moved to Scotland into a house that needed renovating (I paid the deposit, removal costs and had money set aside for renovations).

I commuted to England every week and he was left at home to renovate the house. This went on for 4 years and the renovations didn’t happen. My husband started drinking as soon as we moved and he was ripped off by tradesman who took advantage of his permanently drunken state.

We argued and we agreed that he would find a job as a carer for want of a better description and he held down a job taking over the company after 12 months. Approximately 12 months later I  had a call from the police and he’d been charged with a DUI. This was the start of hell for me. Once his drinking became open it didn’t stop and became worse and worse with him finally being diagnosed with end stage liver failure. 

I gave up my job in England to keep his job going in the hope that it would give him something to fight for but he is a sole trader and refuses to pay me even minimum wage some months. I have worked really hard to build up the company and it’s doing so well that he bought himself a second house (with a small mortgage) when I have to borrow money to pay the bills. I can imagine that you’re wondering why on earth I’m bothered about it but I have built up good relationships with the clients and don’t want to let them down.

He has cheated on me twice to my knowledge, posted nude photos of me online without my knowledge on swingers sites which he frequents, refused to pay my wages and the bills and now he says that he wants to divorce me and take half the house!!!


He is currently awaiting trial for 12 charges which I won’t name for fear of prejudicing them.

The mortgage is in my name only but I’ve been told previously that this doesn’t matter. His life expectancy is severely limited and the last thing I want to do is to give him half of my house that I worked hard for only for him to fritter it away.

Should I put up with the verbal abuse and his cheating ways knowing that he doesn’t have long to live so that I keep my home or do I just bite the bullet and agree to the divorce and hope for the best?




«1

Comments

  • BrassicWoman
    BrassicWoman Posts: 3,200
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post Mortgage-free Glee!
    Forumite
    personally I'd get a job that made me happy, let him run his business, be glad he lived elsewhere, and wait it out to get my inheritance.
    2021 GC £1365.71/ £2400
  • BillieBoy said:
    Thank you so much in advance for all of your help.

    I apologise if I suddenly delete this thread but it’s so specific that family members or friends might see it and I feel so embarrassed about the situation.

    I met my husband circa 10 years ago in England. He said he didnt earn much after his childcare payments were taken out of his salary so when he moved in to my house he didn’t pay anything towards bills. He complained of various ailments (never substantiated) and due to poor attendance at work they let him go after 18 months. I sold my house at a reasonable profit and we moved to Scotland into a house that needed renovating (I paid the deposit, removal costs and had money set aside for renovations).

    I commuted to England every week and he was left at home to renovate the house. This went on for 4 years and the renovations didn’t happen. My husband started drinking as soon as we moved and he was ripped off by tradesman who took advantage of his permanently drunken state.

    We argued and we agreed that he would find a job as a carer for want of a better description and he held down a job taking over the company after 12 months. Approximately 12 months later I  had a call from the police and he’d been charged with a DUI. This was the start of hell for me. Once his drinking became open it didn’t stop and became worse and worse with him finally being diagnosed with end stage liver failure. 

    I gave up my job in England to keep his job going in the hope that it would give him something to fight for but he is a sole trader and refuses to pay me even minimum wage some months. I have worked really hard to build up the company and it’s doing so well that he bought himself a second house (with a small mortgage) when I have to borrow money to pay the bills. I can imagine that you’re wondering why on earth I’m bothered about it but I have built up good relationships with the clients and don’t want to let them down.

    He has cheated on me twice to my knowledge, posted nude photos of me online without my knowledge on swingers sites which he frequents, refused to pay my wages and the bills and now he says that he wants to divorce me and take half the house!!!


    He is currently awaiting trial for 12 charges which I won’t name for fear of prejudicing them.

    The mortgage is in my name only but I’ve been told previously that this doesn’t matter. His life expectancy is severely limited and the last thing I want to do is to give him half of my house that I worked hard for only for him to fritter it away.




    Is one of the twelve charges concerning the non-consensual sharing of private, intimate images aka as revenge !!!!!!? I do hope so but you don’t have to say. 

    The starting point for the division of the marital property in Scotland is that it is split fairly which usually means 50/50. Matrimonial property being all assets and debts held by you as a couple (either in joint names or your sole names) at the date on which you separate other than those assets acquired by way of a gift from a third party or inheritance. Assets held by you before the marriage do not form part of the matrimonial property. The exception to this is a residential property that was bought prior to the marriage but for use by both of you as a family home during the marriage. 

    It is possible to get a split other than 50/50 and for that you really need to engage a solicitor. The fact you’ve been working for free could mean a more favourable split for you. I also think there is an element of financial abuse that should be considered here. 

    I realise you don’t want to give him half the value of the house, and he might not even be due as much as that, but you can’t go on as you are living with and being married to this person. Separation and divorce is the lessor of two evils. 



  • BillieBoy
    BillieBoy Posts: 40
    First Anniversary First Post
    Forumite
    personally I'd get a job that made me happy, let him run his business, be glad he lived elsewhere, and wait it out to get my inheritance.
    He can’t run his business, he’s virtually bed-ridden through a combination of his liver function symptoms and the fact that he still drinks large volumes. Unfortunately elsewhere is only half a mile away so I’m considering an injunction.

    Once his court cases are heard it’s very unlikely that his main client will allow him to continue as a supplier so I am hoping to pick up his clients as I have been managing them
  • BillieBoy
    BillieBoy Posts: 40
    First Anniversary First Post
    Forumite
    BillieBoy said:
    Thank you so much in advance for all of your help.

    I apologise if I suddenly delete this thread but it’s so specific that family members or friends might see it and I feel so embarrassed about the situation.

    I met my husband circa 10 years ago in England. He said he didnt earn much after his childcare payments were taken out of his salary so when he moved in to my house he didn’t pay anything towards bills. He complained of various ailments (never substantiated) and due to poor attendance at work they let him go after 18 months. I sold my house at a reasonable profit and we moved to Scotland into a house that needed renovating (I paid the deposit, removal costs and had money set aside for renovations).

    I commuted to England every week and he was left at home to renovate the house. This went on for 4 years and the renovations didn’t happen. My husband started drinking as soon as we moved and he was ripped off by tradesman who took advantage of his permanently drunken state.

    We argued and we agreed that he would find a job as a carer for want of a better description and he held down a job taking over the company after 12 months. Approximately 12 months later I  had a call from the police and he’d been charged with a DUI. This was the start of hell for me. Once his drinking became open it didn’t stop and became worse and worse with him finally being diagnosed with end stage liver failure. 

    I gave up my job in England to keep his job going in the hope that it would give him something to fight for but he is a sole trader and refuses to pay me even minimum wage some months. I have worked really hard to build up the company and it’s doing so well that he bought himself a second house (with a small mortgage) when I have to borrow money to pay the bills. I can imagine that you’re wondering why on earth I’m bothered about it but I have built up good relationships with the clients and don’t want to let them down.

    He has cheated on me twice to my knowledge, posted nude photos of me online without my knowledge on swingers sites which he frequents, refused to pay my wages and the bills and now he says that he wants to divorce me and take half the house!!!


    He is currently awaiting trial for 12 charges which I won’t name for fear of prejudicing them.

    The mortgage is in my name only but I’ve been told previously that this doesn’t matter. His life expectancy is severely limited and the last thing I want to do is to give him half of my house that I worked hard for only for him to fritter it away.




    Is one of the twelve charges concerning the non-consensual sharing of private, intimate images aka as revenge !!!!!!? I do hope so but you don’t have to say. 

    The starting point for the division of the marital property in Scotland is that it is split fairly which usually means 50/50. Matrimonial property being all assets and debts held by you as a couple (either in joint names or your sole names) at the date on which you separate other than those assets acquired by way of a gift from a third party or inheritance. Assets held by you before the marriage do not form part of the matrimonial property. The exception to this is a residential property that was bought prior to the marriage but for use by both of you as a family home during the marriage. 

    It is possible to get a split other than 50/50 and for that you really need to engage a solicitor. The fact you’ve been working for free could mean a more favourable split for you. I also think there is an element of financial abuse that should be considered here. 

    I realise you don’t want to give him half the value of the house, and he might not even be due as much as that, but you can’t go on as you are living with and being married to this person. Separation and divorce is the lessor of two evils. 



    Thanks for commenting. No, it’s not one of those charges. There was a chance that he was suffering from hepatic encephalopathy at the time so I decided not to report him. In hindsight this was probably the wrong course of action. 

    Would an asset held by me before marriage include equity in my property that I owned before I met him? A valuation on the date of our marriage still shows a considerable amount of equity and we moved only 12 months later.
  • sheramber
    sheramber Posts: 18,651
    First Anniversary I've been Money Tipped! First Post Name Dropper
    Forumite
    You met him 10 years ago.

    When did you marry?
  • BillieBoy
    BillieBoy Posts: 40
    First Anniversary First Post
    Forumite
    sheramber said:
    You met him 10 years ago.

    When did you marry?
    Hi. We married 8 years ago
  • elsien
    elsien Posts: 32,311
    Name Dropper Photogenic First Anniversary First Post
    Forumite
    Would his second home not also be included as a marital asset which you would be entitled to half of?
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
  • BillieBoy said:
    BillieBoy said:
    Thank you so much in advance for all of your help.

    I apologise if I suddenly delete this thread but it’s so specific that family members or friends might see it and I feel so embarrassed about the situation.

    I met my husband circa 10 years ago in England. He said he didnt earn much after his childcare payments were taken out of his salary so when he moved in to my house he didn’t pay anything towards bills. He complained of various ailments (never substantiated) and due to poor attendance at work they let him go after 18 months. I sold my house at a reasonable profit and we moved to Scotland into a house that needed renovating (I paid the deposit, removal costs and had money set aside for renovations).

    I commuted to England every week and he was left at home to renovate the house. This went on for 4 years and the renovations didn’t happen. My husband started drinking as soon as we moved and he was ripped off by tradesman who took advantage of his permanently drunken state.

    We argued and we agreed that he would find a job as a carer for want of a better description and he held down a job taking over the company after 12 months. Approximately 12 months later I  had a call from the police and he’d been charged with a DUI. This was the start of hell for me. Once his drinking became open it didn’t stop and became worse and worse with him finally being diagnosed with end stage liver failure. 

    I gave up my job in England to keep his job going in the hope that it would give him something to fight for but he is a sole trader and refuses to pay me even minimum wage some months. I have worked really hard to build up the company and it’s doing so well that he bought himself a second house (with a small mortgage) when I have to borrow money to pay the bills. I can imagine that you’re wondering why on earth I’m bothered about it but I have built up good relationships with the clients and don’t want to let them down.

    He has cheated on me twice to my knowledge, posted nude photos of me online without my knowledge on swingers sites which he frequents, refused to pay my wages and the bills and now he says that he wants to divorce me and take half the house!!!


    He is currently awaiting trial for 12 charges which I won’t name for fear of prejudicing them.

    The mortgage is in my name only but I’ve been told previously that this doesn’t matter. His life expectancy is severely limited and the last thing I want to do is to give him half of my house that I worked hard for only for him to fritter it away.




    Is one of the twelve charges concerning the non-consensual sharing of private, intimate images aka as revenge !!!!!!? I do hope so but you don’t have to say. 

    The starting point for the division of the marital property in Scotland is that it is split fairly which usually means 50/50. Matrimonial property being all assets and debts held by you as a couple (either in joint names or your sole names) at the date on which you separate other than those assets acquired by way of a gift from a third party or inheritance. Assets held by you before the marriage do not form part of the matrimonial property. The exception to this is a residential property that was bought prior to the marriage but for use by both of you as a family home during the marriage. 

    It is possible to get a split other than 50/50 and for that you really need to engage a solicitor. The fact you’ve been working for free could mean a more favourable split for you. I also think there is an element of financial abuse that should be considered here. 

    I realise you don’t want to give him half the value of the house, and he might not even be due as much as that, but you can’t go on as you are living with and being married to this person. Separation and divorce is the lessor of two evils. 



    Thanks for commenting. No, it’s not one of those charges. There was a chance that he was suffering from hepatic encephalopathy at the time so I decided not to report him. In hindsight this was probably the wrong course of action. 

    Would an asset held by me before marriage include equity in my property that I owned before I met him? A valuation on the date of our marriage still shows a considerable amount of equity and we moved only 12 months later.
    I’m not a lawyer but I’m not sure the equity you had in the marital home would be protected in the event of a divorce. You’d really need to check with a divorce solicitor though. 

    If you’re essentially running the business now and there’s little chance of him returning to the business would it be an idea to set up your own business now either as a sole trader or limited company (an accountant could help with which is most suitable) and transfer the clients and staff over to you? 

    How ill is he? Is drinking himself to death imminent or could he possibly hang in for years to come? I wonder that if he makes it to court and is convicted if he might be forced into a detox programme that could extend his life expectancy. 
  • BillieBoy
    BillieBoy Posts: 40
    First Anniversary First Post
    Forumite
    “How ill is he? Is drinking himself to death imminent or could he possibly hang in for years to come? I wonder that if he makes it to court and is convicted if he might be forced into a detox programme that could extend his life expectancy. “

    _Penny_Dreadful these are really pertinent questions. He was told on May of 2023 that he had 20% liver function and to stop drinking immediately otherwise he only had a 50% chance of living beyond 2 years. Since then he has carried on drinking approximately 1 bottle of spirits a day. He has ascites which causes oedema and issues with his lungs, oesophageal varices, portal hypertension, atrial fibrillation, brain damage and accompanying changes to his personality. He can be incontinent at  times and forgets to eat and take his medications. He has recurrent lung infections caused by broken ribs that he sustained when he was in a serious car accident (in my car) when I was away looking after my dying father and he was meant to be looking after the house and dogs in my absence (another whole story!). 

    He has had 8 detoxes so far, 3 of which have taken place in Hospitals. 2 were in mental health facilities but he was asked to leave because he failed their breathalyser tests. One of his affairs also took place in the psychiatric facility with the full knowledge of the staff, apparently, according to them, it happens all the time. There is currently a review taking place.

    He was told by his consultant that due to his failed attempts at detoxing he will very likely be turned down by the transplant board, if this was an attempt to make him turn things around it had the exact opposite affect and he gave up from that point.

    Not a great outlook…




  • BillieBoy
    BillieBoy Posts: 40
    First Anniversary First Post
    Forumite
    elsien said:
    Would his second home not also be included as a marital asset which you would be entitled to half of?
    Hi elsien

    It would have been however he has totally wrecked the place. He has pulled all of the kitchen units off the walls and knocked down other walls in rages. It looks like a building site.


Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 341.8K Banking & Borrowing
  • 249.7K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 449.2K Spending & Discounts
  • 234K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 606.2K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 172.5K Life & Family
  • 246.8K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.8K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards