My ex has turned my daughter against me

EnPointe

squirrelchops2 said:

I just wanted to say I am sorry you feel that way about the court process and if this helps at all, I am a serving Magistrate in the family courts and the old belief that Dad's come off worse is simply not true. The last hearing I sat on we gave father contact with his children despite Mother stating she didn't agree. 
At the end of the day our sole focus is on the children's needs but unfortunately some parents are unable to see this.

Exactly 

 when  we  see  posts  on here or  social media by   seperated paretns we hear one of the  4 sides to  the story ( these being  each parent;s view, the reality  and the 4th side here being the perception of the child ) 

T.T.D

swingaloo said:

Its not true that going through the courts makes things better for the parent wanting contact. It's also sadly, not true that the child will come round as they get older and become wise to the parent alienating the other.

Despite having  a terrific relationship with his son for years the mum started to play games as soon as hubby met me.  For the first couple of years everything was fine, son would stay with dad alternate weekends and hubby and I had a reasonable relationship with her as well but then her new relationship failed and the trouble started when he told his ex we were moving in together.

My husbands ex played mind games with his son and used every trick in the book to deny access. he finally went through the court and was granted regular access. In reality it was a complete waste of time.  She stood up in court and said to the judge 'Well you can give him access but if xxxx does not want to see him he will not have to'. Cafcass had done a report which stated that son was desperate to see dad. The judge replied ' It is your duty to ensure he does see dad and you should encourage the access'.

Made no difference at all. She moved 240 miles away which meant a 3.5 hour journey each way but on many occasions he would drive there to be told that son had gone out with friends/gone to a party/was too ill to go out etc, etc. 
 Finally at age 15 son was totally brainwashed and when being picked up by dad one day came out of the house and said to dad 'I never want to see you again because of what you have done to me and mum' turned around and went back in the house. Ex would not answer door to let him speak to son.

He sent cards, letters and presents which were all returned unopened.  At the age of 19 son contacted hubby on a facebook  message saying ' You have never cared about me, never paid a penny maintenance to mum for me, have no interest in me and clearly dont want to know me so I never want to hear from you again'. None of that was true and it destroyed hubby. 
Mum and son have moved from the address he knew of and mobile numbers have been changed. The sons facebook was only opened to send the message and has been shut down so hubby has no way to contact his son at all and his son believes dad never cared.  Son is now 28 and hubby has no idea where he is.

Mum has done a complete hatchet job and been very successful.

So your husband went through all the trouble of court then failed to enforce the order through the court system!

Never held any fact finding hearings for alienating behaviours leading to emotional abuse? 

Never asked for sanctions imposed for contempt of the order? 

Did your husband ever go to the school and put his name down as a person of contact, they would have had a duty to inform him that son was being moved out the school, so once this happened could have found out she was moving and went to court to vary the order or put an injunction in place.

Lack of child maintenance will always end up as a weapon of choice for alienating behaviours like:

“Dad doesn’t love you because of he did he would pay me some money to buy you that RC car you wanted”

“If dad loved you he would pay me Child Maintenance so I can send you on that school trip”

“If dad loved you he would pay me maintenance so we could afford that broadband we need for your games” 

I don’t understand guys (I’m a guy) who refute or argue with child maintenance payments or simply won’t pay for their children but want access to their kids and wonder why their ex is using this topic as a weapon in court.

ofcourse a gift is going to sent back someone who engages in alienating behaviour to poison a child’s mind is going to get told “doesn’t pay and doesn’t see you, these gifts are guilty after thoughts, that what you are an afterthought, he doesn’t really care”. 

And teens get all kinda messed up feelings at 15. 

It’s telling your husband no longer knows where he is. Because going with the son’s mindset is easier than putting in the effort to change all that what he falsely believes about him, in essence mum won her games and your husband rolled over and gave up never going back to court.

28 isn’t a bad time for your husband to get in touch, sometimes kids lash out on what they want the most. 

My kids are 19 now and far from mature and they do some really dumb stuff and make really dumb decisions, we were all that age. Tell your husband to get searching for him don’t go making up for the past but make memories for the future! 

Exodi

T.T.D said:

It’s telling your husband no longer knows where he is. Because going with the son’s mindset is easier than putting in the effort to change all that what he falsely believes about him, in essence mum won her games and your husband rolled over and gave up never going back to court.

You weren't even responding to me and I found your post offensive.

Half your post is a long diatribe about maintenance payment (or lack thereof), despite the post you're responding to explicitly saying:

swingaloo said:

At the age of 19 son contacted hubby on a facebook  message saying ' You have never cared about me, never paid a penny maintenance to mum for me, have no interest in me and clearly dont want to know me so I never want to hear from you again'. None of that was true and it destroyed hubby. 

How your post reads is that you're effectively blaming the OP's husband for the alienation... It is a Utopian view to think that endlessly dragging the mum into court every week is a silver bullet for alienation. Children are regrettably malleable.

T.T.D

Exodi said:

T.T.D said:

It’s telling your husband no longer knows where he is. Because going with the son’s mindset is easier than putting in the effort to change all that what he falsely believes about him, in essence mum won her games and your husband rolled over and gave up never going back to court.

You weren't even responding to me and I found your post offensive.

Half your post is a long diatribe about maintenance payment (or lack thereof), despite the post you're responding to explicitly saying:

swingaloo said:

At the age of 19 son contacted hubby on a facebook  message saying ' You have never cared about me, never paid a penny maintenance to mum for me, have no interest in me and clearly dont want to know me so I never want to hear from you again'. None of that was true and it destroyed hubby. 

How your post reads is that you're effectively blaming the OP's husband for the alienation... It is a Utopian view to think that endlessly dragging the mum into court every week is a silver bullet for alienation. Children are regrettably malleable.

People have opinions you have yours I have mine.

I was generally speaking about the child maintenance as it is always weaponised, and whilst the poster stated payments were made, we have one side.

You always fight alienation and the court is the place to do it, using the system for its intended purpose reporting  the issues to Cafcass officers, in some cases the court can extend its involvement around a child upto the age of 18, and yes every time an orders breached you report it back to the court system. 

I’m not blaming him for the mums alienation she did the work, she did a number, she played dirty games and then a lack of action from that solidified what that child was being told was true, I understand that when you hold a mirror up to people for them to see a perspective of their actions they don’t like it.

I don’t write posts to cushion peoples feelings. Some posts may offended people but they are not intentionally written to offend them. I’m offering up a perspective based on what was written and came to my own opinion.

prowla

Well, it's all too easy to use the kids as weapons.

In my case when the ex and me split I made very sure that mine knew that they still had two equal parents.

In fact, there was push-back from the kids in the sharing arrangements!

swingaloo

T.T.D said:

swingaloo said:

Its not true that going through the courts makes things better for the parent wanting contact. It's also sadly, not true that the child will come round as they get older and become wise to the parent alienating the other.

Despite having  a terrific relationship with his son for years the mum started to play games as soon as hubby met me.  For the first couple of years everything was fine, son would stay with dad alternate weekends and hubby and I had a reasonable relationship with her as well but then her new relationship failed and the trouble started when he told his ex we were moving in together.

My husbands ex played mind games with his son and used every trick in the book to deny access. he finally went through the court and was granted regular access. In reality it was a complete waste of time.  She stood up in court and said to the judge 'Well you can give him access but if xxxx does not want to see him he will not have to'. Cafcass had done a report which stated that son was desperate to see dad. The judge replied ' It is your duty to ensure he does see dad and you should encourage the access'.

Made no difference at all. She moved 240 miles away which meant a 3.5 hour journey each way but on many occasions he would drive there to be told that son had gone out with friends/gone to a party/was too ill to go out etc, etc. 
 Finally at age 15 son was totally brainwashed and when being picked up by dad one day came out of the house and said to dad 'I never want to see you again because of what you have done to me and mum' turned around and went back in the house. Ex would not answer door to let him speak to son.

He sent cards, letters and presents which were all returned unopened.  At the age of 19 son contacted hubby on a facebook  message saying ' You have never cared about me, never paid a penny maintenance to mum for me, have no interest in me and clearly dont want to know me so I never want to hear from you again'. None of that was true and it destroyed hubby. 
Mum and son have moved from the address he knew of and mobile numbers have been changed. The sons facebook was only opened to send the message and has been shut down so hubby has no way to contact his son at all and his son believes dad never cared.  Son is now 28 and hubby has no idea where he is.

Mum has done a complete hatchet job and been very successful.

So your husband went through all the trouble of court then failed to enforce the order through the court system!

Never held any fact finding hearings for alienating behaviours leading to emotional abuse? 

Never asked for sanctions imposed for contempt of the order? 

Yes he did, but to no avail. When you travel 4 hours to collect a child only for the mother to ay he is poorly just as you arrive no court order covers those eventualities.  The result of him going to court and then going back to court to enforce the order was that mum lied repeatedly to the child and the child at age 15 told dad 'You have kept dragging me through court and I hate you for it.'

Did your husband ever go to the school and put his name down as a person of contact, they would have had a duty to inform him that son was being moved out the school, so once this happened could have found out she was moving and went to court to vary the order or put an injunction in place.

Yes he did, the school always sent him reports and any letters which also went to the mum. Then they stopped and when he questioned the school they said mother had said there was domestic violence involved (a complete lie) and they had been told to cease all contact. When he spoke to mum about it she accused him of harassment and said she would contact the police if he contacted her again.  When son found out that his dad had contacted school he was accused of 'Checking up on him'.

Lack of child maintenance will always end up as a weapon of choice for alienating behaviours like:

“Dad doesn’t love you because of he did he would pay me some money to buy you that RC car you wanted”

“If dad loved you he would pay me Child Maintenance so I can send you on that school trip”

“If dad loved you he would pay me maintenance so we could afford that broadband we need for your games” 

I don’t understand guys (I’m a guy) who refute or argue with child maintenance payments or simply won’t pay for their children but want access to their kids and wonder why their ex is using this topic as a weapon in court.

There was never any lack of maintenance, he paid above the CSA and there were lots of additional extras paid for as well.




ofcourse a gift is going to sent back someone who engages in alienating behaviour to poison a child’s mind is going to get told “doesn’t pay and doesn’t see you, these gifts are guilty after thoughts, that what you are an afterthought, he doesn’t really care”. 

And teens get all kinda messed up feelings at 15. 

It’s telling your husband no longer knows where he is. Because going with the son’s mindset is easier than putting in the effort to change all that what he falsely believes about him, in essence mum won her games and your husband rolled over and gave up never going back to court.

My husband never rolled over, far from it. He fought tooth and nail to keep contact with his son. He always believed that son would eventually find out what his mum was doing and he would be able to repair the relationship. He was very conscious of making his son feel he was in the middle of parents at war and didn't want that for him. At no point did he ever bad mouth the mum either.
28 isn’t a bad time for your husband to get in touch, sometimes kids lash out on what they want the most. 

My kids are 19 now and far from mature and they do some really dumb stuff and make really dumb decisions, we were all that age. Tell your husband to get searching for him don’t go making up for the past but make memories for the future! 
He does all he can but he has no idea of the area he is living in, he has nothing on social media. There are no other relatives that he can get information from either. He has been to the last known address to see if the new people there or any neighbours can help but no luck there either. It cuts him up that son may be married now, have children etc, he doesnt even know what job he does. There is nothing to go on but he will keep looking as long as he lives.

..........

T.T.D

swingaloo said:

T.T.D said:

swingaloo said:

Its not true that going through the courts makes things better for the parent wanting contact. It's also sadly, not true that the child will come round as they get older and become wise to the parent alienating the other.

Despite having  a terrific relationship with his son for years the mum started to play games as soon as hubby met me.  For the first couple of years everything was fine, son would stay with dad alternate weekends and hubby and I had a reasonable relationship with her as well but then her new relationship failed and the trouble started when he told his ex we were moving in together.

My husbands ex played mind games with his son and used every trick in the book to deny access. he finally went through the court and was granted regular access. In reality it was a complete waste of time.  She stood up in court and said to the judge 'Well you can give him access but if xxxx does not want to see him he will not have to'. Cafcass had done a report which stated that son was desperate to see dad. The judge replied ' It is your duty to ensure he does see dad and you should encourage the access'.

Made no difference at all. She moved 240 miles away which meant a 3.5 hour journey each way but on many occasions he would drive there to be told that son had gone out with friends/gone to a party/was too ill to go out etc, etc. 
 Finally at age 15 son was totally brainwashed and when being picked up by dad one day came out of the house and said to dad 'I never want to see you again because of what you have done to me and mum' turned around and went back in the house. Ex would not answer door to let him speak to son.

He sent cards, letters and presents which were all returned unopened.  At the age of 19 son contacted hubby on a facebook  message saying ' You have never cared about me, never paid a penny maintenance to mum for me, have no interest in me and clearly dont want to know me so I never want to hear from you again'. None of that was true and it destroyed hubby. 
Mum and son have moved from the address he knew of and mobile numbers have been changed. The sons facebook was only opened to send the message and has been shut down so hubby has no way to contact his son at all and his son believes dad never cared.  Son is now 28 and hubby has no idea where he is.

Mum has done a complete hatchet job and been very successful.

So your husband went through all the trouble of court then failed to enforce the order through the court system!

Never held any fact finding hearings for alienating behaviours leading to emotional abuse? 

Never asked for sanctions imposed for contempt of the order? 

Yes he did, but to no avail. When you travel 4 hours to collect a child only for the mother to ay he is poorly just as you arrive no court order covers those eventualities.  The result of him going to court and then going back to court to enforce the order was that mum lied repeatedly to the child and the child at age 15 told dad 'You have kept dragging me through court and I hate you for it.'

Did your husband ever go to the school and put his name down as a person of contact, they would have had a duty to inform him that son was being moved out the school, so once this happened could have found out she was moving and went to court to vary the order or put an injunction in place.

Yes he did, the school always sent him reports and any letters which also went to the mum. Then they stopped and when he questioned the school they said mother had said there was domestic violence involved (a complete lie) and they had been told to cease all contact. When he spoke to mum about it she accused him of harassment and said she would contact the police if he contacted her again.  When son found out that his dad had contacted school he was accused of 'Checking up on him'.

Lack of child maintenance will always end up as a weapon of choice for alienating behaviours like:

“Dad doesn’t love you because of he did he would pay me some money to buy you that RC car you wanted”

“If dad loved you he would pay me Child Maintenance so I can send you on that school trip”

“If dad loved you he would pay me maintenance so we could afford that broadband we need for your games” 

I don’t understand guys (I’m a guy) who refute or argue with child maintenance payments or simply won’t pay for their children but want access to their kids and wonder why their ex is using this topic as a weapon in court.

There was never any lack of maintenance, he paid above the CSA and there were lots of additional extras paid for as well.




ofcourse a gift is going to sent back someone who engages in alienating behaviour to poison a child’s mind is going to get told “doesn’t pay and doesn’t see you, these gifts are guilty after thoughts, that what you are an afterthought, he doesn’t really care”. 

And teens get all kinda messed up feelings at 15. 

It’s telling your husband no longer knows where he is. Because going with the son’s mindset is easier than putting in the effort to change all that what he falsely believes about him, in essence mum won her games and your husband rolled over and gave up never going back to court.

My husband never rolled over, far from it. He fought tooth and nail to keep contact with his son. He always believed that son would eventually find out what his mum was doing and he would be able to repair the relationship. He was very conscious of making his son feel he was in the middle of parents at war and didn't want that for him. At no point did he ever bad mouth the mum either.
28 isn’t a bad time for your husband to get in touch, sometimes kids lash out on what they want the most. 

My kids are 19 now and far from mature and they do some really dumb stuff and make really dumb decisions, we were all that age. Tell your husband to get searching for him don’t go making up for the past but make memories for the future! 
He does all he can but he has no idea of the area he is living in, he has nothing on social media. There are no other relatives that he can get information from either. He has been to the last known address to see if the new people there or any neighbours can help but no luck there either. It cuts him up that son may be married now, have children etc, he doesnt even know what job he does. There is nothing to go on but he will keep looking as long as he lives.

..........

Fundamentally a court goes on the best interests of the child not a bitter mother’s word and so does a school . None of what you said makes any legal or logical sense to me. 

swingaloo

T.T.D said:

swingaloo said:

T.T.D said:

swingaloo said:

Its not true that going through the courts makes things better for the parent wanting contact. It's also sadly, not true that the child will come round as they get older and become wise to the parent alienating the other.

Despite having  a terrific relationship with his son for years the mum started to play games as soon as hubby met me.  For the first couple of years everything was fine, son would stay with dad alternate weekends and hubby and I had a reasonable relationship with her as well but then her new relationship failed and the trouble started when he told his ex we were moving in together.

My husbands ex played mind games with his son and used every trick in the book to deny access. he finally went through the court and was granted regular access. In reality it was a complete waste of time.  She stood up in court and said to the judge 'Well you can give him access but if xxxx does not want to see him he will not have to'. Cafcass had done a report which stated that son was desperate to see dad. The judge replied ' It is your duty to ensure he does see dad and you should encourage the access'.

Made no difference at all. She moved 240 miles away which meant a 3.5 hour journey each way but on many occasions he would drive there to be told that son had gone out with friends/gone to a party/was too ill to go out etc, etc. 
 Finally at age 15 son was totally brainwashed and when being picked up by dad one day came out of the house and said to dad 'I never want to see you again because of what you have done to me and mum' turned around and went back in the house. Ex would not answer door to let him speak to son.

He sent cards, letters and presents which were all returned unopened.  At the age of 19 son contacted hubby on a facebook  message saying ' You have never cared about me, never paid a penny maintenance to mum for me, have no interest in me and clearly dont want to know me so I never want to hear from you again'. None of that was true and it destroyed hubby. 
Mum and son have moved from the address he knew of and mobile numbers have been changed. The sons facebook was only opened to send the message and has been shut down so hubby has no way to contact his son at all and his son believes dad never cared.  Son is now 28 and hubby has no idea where he is.

Mum has done a complete hatchet job and been very successful.

So your husband went through all the trouble of court then failed to enforce the order through the court system!

Never held any fact finding hearings for alienating behaviours leading to emotional abuse? 

Never asked for sanctions imposed for contempt of the order? 

Yes he did, but to no avail. When you travel 4 hours to collect a child only for the mother to ay he is poorly just as you arrive no court order covers those eventualities.  The result of him going to court and then going back to court to enforce the order was that mum lied repeatedly to the child and the child at age 15 told dad 'You have kept dragging me through court and I hate you for it.'

Did your husband ever go to the school and put his name down as a person of contact, they would have had a duty to inform him that son was being moved out the school, so once this happened could have found out she was moving and went to court to vary the order or put an injunction in place.

Yes he did, the school always sent him reports and any letters which also went to the mum. Then they stopped and when he questioned the school they said mother had said there was domestic violence involved (a complete lie) and they had been told to cease all contact. When he spoke to mum about it she accused him of harassment and said she would contact the police if he contacted her again.  When son found out that his dad had contacted school he was accused of 'Checking up on him'.

Lack of child maintenance will always end up as a weapon of choice for alienating behaviours like:

“Dad doesn’t love you because of he did he would pay me some money to buy you that RC car you wanted”

“If dad loved you he would pay me Child Maintenance so I can send you on that school trip”

“If dad loved you he would pay me maintenance so we could afford that broadband we need for your games” 

I don’t understand guys (I’m a guy) who refute or argue with child maintenance payments or simply won’t pay for their children but want access to their kids and wonder why their ex is using this topic as a weapon in court.

There was never any lack of maintenance, he paid above the CSA and there were lots of additional extras paid for as well.




ofcourse a gift is going to sent back someone who engages in alienating behaviour to poison a child’s mind is going to get told “doesn’t pay and doesn’t see you, these gifts are guilty after thoughts, that what you are an afterthought, he doesn’t really care”. 

And teens get all kinda messed up feelings at 15. 

It’s telling your husband no longer knows where he is. Because going with the son’s mindset is easier than putting in the effort to change all that what he falsely believes about him, in essence mum won her games and your husband rolled over and gave up never going back to court.

My husband never rolled over, far from it. He fought tooth and nail to keep contact with his son. He always believed that son would eventually find out what his mum was doing and he would be able to repair the relationship. He was very conscious of making his son feel he was in the middle of parents at war and didn't want that for him. At no point did he ever bad mouth the mum either.
28 isn’t a bad time for your husband to get in touch, sometimes kids lash out on what they want the most. 

My kids are 19 now and far from mature and they do some really dumb stuff and make really dumb decisions, we were all that age. Tell your husband to get searching for him don’t go making up for the past but make memories for the future! 
He does all he can but he has no idea of the area he is living in, he has nothing on social media. There are no other relatives that he can get information from either. He has been to the last known address to see if the new people there or any neighbours can help but no luck there either. It cuts him up that son may be married now, have children etc, he doesnt even know what job he does. There is nothing to go on but he will keep looking as long as he lives.

..........

Fundamentally a court goes on the best interests of the child not a bitter mother’s word and so does a school . None of what you said makes any legal or logical sense to me. 

Well as I said contact was given to dad as it was in the best interest of the child. However just because the court agrees the child should see the other parent the vindictive parent does not have to try very hard to but all kinds of barriers in the way.  The court decision looks great on paper 
It may not make legal or logical sense to you but having had personal experience of living through years of it I know differently.
1000.s of pounds spent on solicitors, countless 500 mile round trips for each court hearing would all be worth it if what the court says should happen actually does happen.