What am I doing with my life?

Exodi

Garnigo_Tarmeister said:

I have done online dating and been on a few dates, but whether I am being too picky or not it has never gone any further and I think I would rather meet someone by finding my tribe of people as cheesy as that sounds.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say - just on this point of being picky.

I can assume from 'my tribe of people' means you are looking for someone that is fit and active. As you can appreciate, this perhaps already culls the herd in the UK quite significantly!

But aside from that, without meaning to pry, you don't have children. If you're 44, you're probably looking for loosely the same age or a bit younger (as is common).

As we can all appreciate women's fertility significantly decreases after 35, with them being considered as high-risk over 40. Realistically this means that most woman that want children, would probably already have them.

I'm saying this because if you do want kids, and you're looking for a woman of similar age to you that wants kids but doesn't have them yet, you're probably going to be looking for a while...

Even if you don't want kids, I'd expect a lot of women in the 35-40 age range have teenage children. If playing stepdad is a deal-breaker to you I can see why it might be hard to find people that fit all the above.

If you're looking for a much younger woman, then good luck, my ~50 y/o friend recently told me it turned out to be a total pipe-dream to think that he'd be able to hook up with women 20 years younger than him, unless (as he claims!!!) he happened to be leaning against a Lamborghini in his dating profile picture. I was suprised as he's a really funny guy, fit healthy, decent looks, etc.

Gavin83

Garnigo_Tarmeister said:

Relationships

I like to think I am a good person, but I have been single for large portions of my adult life. I find it easy to make friends, but I find it really difficult to make that real 'connection' with someone, which I feel like I did last year (but for various reasons nothing could happen).

I know being in a relationship doesn't necessarily make you happy, but I would like to find someone to share my life with. I am also aware that I am an only child and while my dad is in very good health, he is 82 and I don't want to be completely on my own in 10 years time or so...

I have done online dating and been on a few dates, but whether I am being too picky or not it has never gone any further and I think I would rather meet someone by finding my tribe of people as cheesy as that sounds.

I'll apologise in advance if this comes across as a bit brutal but I expect you'd rather have honesty.

I know a few people similar to yourself, as in long term single and in some cases have never had a relationship at all. They've all got one thing in common, completely unrealistic expectations.

I'll take a friend of mine as an example who is of a similar age to you. He reached his 40's never having had a girlfriend. Lovely guy, has an alright job (similar level to yours) but in all honesty is conventionally unattractive. His type was exclusively extremely attractive women, as in supermodel standards of looks. As you'd expect such women weren't interested in him however so he remained forever single. I know someone people will say looks don't matter but that's certainly not true in my experience.

Anyway, he reached his 40's, realised he didn't want to spend the rest of his life as a single guy and adjusted his expectations. He met a woman who I would consider in his league rather than well out of it and he's now very happy in a relationship with her and they recently moved in together.

The moral of this story? Expand your horizons a bit and be more realistic when it comes to dating. You never know, you might find someone where you least expect it. Also if you like someone but aren't totally head over heels about them then I'd say it might still be worth giving a go. Love can certainly grow over time.

Garnigo_Tarmeister

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied, I really appreciate the time you have taken. 

I'll try and respond to various bits and pieces all in this message:

"Would you be more committed to the work if it was a different field? Marketing is a skill needed in all sorts of places. Or do you definitely want to do something different?"

I do think if I stayed in Marketing and worked for an organisation I was more passionate about that I would be happier in that respect.

Funnily enough after writing this post I saw a Marketing job working for the Cat's Protection League (I love cats), so I might apply for this.

"There are some areas that might make you feel better ie by changing workplace or career and making the house more  your own, changing decor to suit you and inviting friends around  might lead to deeper relationships."

I think this is a really good point and it is something I have thought of. I guess I've always thought I'd meet someone/move out and I wouldn't need to do this, but I do think it would make a difference.

"Ask your fitness friends to join you in a pub quiz team entry and once there make conversation with a girls' team?"

Yep this is definitely on the cards, I have a lot more going on socially thanks to joining the running clubs and CrossFit, etc.

"Does that presumably mean you are amassing a pot of savings that you could move out with in the future (i.e. the difference between what you say you could spend on rent, and what you currently do?)."

I have about 80k saved, which wouldn't really get me very far in the South-East of England where I am.

"Lastly, you say being in a relationship doesn't make you happy but I'm not sure I agree."

I have a couple of friends who are unhappy, but stuck in relationships, they can't or won't get out of due to kids/houses etc. I think being in the right relationship makes you happy.

"You do cross-fit 5 times a week, have joined a running club and a proper Athletic club, which is great. But seriously limits your potential friends and future relationships. Because they all appeal to a similar type of people. You need to broaden your range of interest, not least so you have a wider range of topics to discuss."

I do go to gigs regularly, but I feel the biggest positive in my life in the past decade or so has been joining the running clubs and doing CrossFit - as I have met so many great people through these activities. I have so many good friends I can call up to go out and do stuff with now in comparison to a year ago, and it is due to this.

"If you're 44, you're probably looking for loosely the same age or a bit younger (as is common)."

I don't think I am looking for anything/anyone in particular. I just wanted a person I feel connected with and who I enjoy being around, someone to share things with. If they have kids great, if they don't great. 

"I know a few people similar to yourself, as in long term single and in some cases have never had a relationship at all. They've all got one thing in common, completely unrealistic expectations." 

Maybe you are right. I think in my head I am still in my mid to late 20s, when obviously that isn't the case.

I think the problem is, this time last year I ended up getting myself into a situation with my running coach.

She is 13 years younger than me and very, very attractive. However I had no attraction to her until, about two months after I joined the running club, we wound up at the same party together and ended up spending the whole night chatting, and I did feel a genuine connection and interest in her. It was the first time I'd felt anything like that for anyone in three or four years.

She messaged me the next day on WhatsApp telling me how much she enjoyed talking to me, and this lead to three or four months of solid messaging all day every day, seeing each other a lot etc etc.

I think it has just reminded me there are people out there I really connect with, and I need to find more of them, although possibly tone down my expectations maybe!

To any of you I haven't quoted specifically I read each and every post and am grateful for your encouragement and feedback.

RAS

That's great. Obviously there's a lot more going on in your life than indicated by your initial post. Even the tone is different.

Slightly bizarre, as you're not in a bad place, but make a point of finding a number (you choose it) of good things to appreciate each day.  That'll reflect in your walk as well as your talk.

And even in January 2024's SE grey skies, remember the sun is shining up there, even if it's at 10,000 feet.

Newly_retired

Something you haven’t fully discussed is the house. Has your father made a will? Has he left the house to you? If not, you may suddenly have to move out in order for it to be sold or bequeathed to someone else. This will cause a big upheaval and a rethink. What would you do if this happened? Even if it is not going to happen, it could be useful for you to consider such a scenario. It will force you to consider new possibilities.

Doodles

I don't think you have gone wrong in your life as such, everyone's journey of life is different. 

From reading your post, I think you've made a success of your life and its natural to get to your 40s and reflect and compare ourselves to others.

I think what you are asking for is for some depth and purpose to your life and feel that would come from love.

So you mention your tribe - what does your tribe look like?   

I would say having similar interests in a partner can help, but don't rule out anyone because they don't fit into your hobbies or lifestyle.  

I know what you mean about your job being isolating. I worked at home from when Covid here and never went back into the office since.  In the last year I realise not socialising or daily banter etc with work colleagues has left me feeling rather lonely. More so, given I live alone too.  So I think you would be right to seek a role where you don't feel as isolated.

That online dating stuff can be harsh!  But think of other opportunities to be in situations where you meet new people naturally.   I should follow that advice too, but hard when I'm mostly an introvert lol!

Garnigo_Tarmeister

RAS said:

Slightly bizarre, as you're not in a bad place, but make a point of finding a number (you choose it) of good things to appreciate each day.  That'll reflect in your walk as well as your talk.

Oh definitely I am a positive person, and I am very grateful for what I have and the people I have met in the past 12 months.

Garnigo_Tarmeister

Newly_retired said:

Something you haven’t fully discussed is the house. Has your father made a will? Has he left the house to you? If not, you may suddenly have to move out in order for it to be sold or bequeathed to someone else. This will cause a big upheaval and a rethink. What would you do if this happened? Even if it is not going to happen, it could be useful for you to consider such a scenario. It will force you to consider new possibilities.

Yes the house has been signed over and left to me, as has everything else of his.

Garnigo_Tarmeister

Doodles said:

I think what you are asking for is for some depth and purpose to your life and feel that would come from love.

So you mention your tribe - what does your tribe look like?   

I would say having similar interests in a partner can help, but don't rule out anyone because they don't fit into your hobbies or lifestyle.  

I know what you mean about your job being isolating. I worked at home from when Covid here and never went back into the office since.  In the last year I realise not socialising or daily banter etc with work colleagues has left me feeling rather lonely. More so, given I live alone too.  So I think you would be right to seek a role where you don't feel as isolated.

That online dating stuff can be harsh!  But think of other opportunities to be in situations where you meet new people naturally.   I should follow that advice too, but hard when I'm mostly an introvert lol!

I think that first part is very true! 

I've met 4 or 5 people I really enjoy being with from my Monday night running club. It is difficult to say what my 'tribe' looks like,e but I've clicked with all of these people, so I am going to try and move in similar circles.

Definitely agree with your comments on working from home! It makes such a difference being in an office environment with people you enjoy being around. I've just seen a job to apply for that would be perfect for me, but I am slight put off by the fact it says it is remote based.

katkatmachine

Date an Asian girl, a Filipina to be exact. We are very affectionate, a bit clingy, but we treat our partners like kings/queens. We love giving surprise massages, rubbing backs, ruffling our partner’s hair and sometimes even cutting their nails when we feel like it. But of course we also expect to be treated like a queen. Lol. It’s also fun to be with someone outside your culture, you never know what quirky stuff they’re gonna do. A caveat though, we like smelly food, we put fish sauce to anything. Lol. 

Good luck.