From Frugal Foundations to Fortified Family Future

EssexHebridean

Oh heck yes those hideous bottles of milk Greying - enough to scar anyone for life if they are already a bit milk averse, I'd say! Thankfully I didn't have to endure them for too many years as Mum sent a note in asking that I be excused as soon as she realised it was something I simply couldn't stand the taste/texture of. It has however had one significant effect on me in that the merest whiff of "off" milk provokes a massive gag reflex in me even now. 

Greying_Pilgrim

I just popped to MrL as we were all out of bread ☹️  I picked up a couple of other things too, and hopefully that will cover us for MrL shopping for this week.  Most anything else I can get from MrS or hB or wherever.  There weren't any green boxes - I'm not surprised, it was later in the morning - and of the YS'd stuff I saw, they were all 20% off and nothing was worth it.  I spent £9.67 in total and have updated my siggie.  

Washing is out on the line, and we have glorious sunshine here.  Dare I start to mention it's getting too hot for me..... 🥵  Put it down to me being a 'woman of a certain age'.  

Can't think of anything MSE to add.  Ta for popping by,

Greying X

EssexHebridean

In spite of ensuring I was there earlier there were no green boxes in our store on Friday morning either - and thinking about it I didn't see the usual manager in there either, so I wonder whether they've had a change of staff and are now leaning away from doing the boxes again. 

Greying_Pilgrim

Good Morning MFW'rs

Just been shopping.  Didn't need much and got on it like a car-bonnet this morning.  

No boxes in MrS.  A little bit of YS'd stuff, but nothing bargainacious and nothing that caught my eye.  £22.66 spent.  

Then I went to hB.  £1.18 food spend, £2.67 on non-food (toothpaste).

Will add to my siggie figgie just now.

I'm really worried about LG at the mo.  Something has come to a head ref: computer games/online gaming.  We've done well to get this far without it in our lives tbh, so in some ways, that will be relatively straightforward to address - although it's going to require mucho "homework" for me, and mucho "trust" from LG 🫤But the real issue - which I'm out of my depth with, is how LG feels about themselves.  They cannot see what a good egg they are - reasonably intelligent, kind, gentle, caring, considerate, loyal, humourous.   None of these attributes is valued anymore.  Not by classmates, not (in reality) by teachers, not by other parents.  If you're not doing what everyone else is doing, you're nothing, and you have to listen patiently to them whanging on about "I'm on level X on this game, and I've a gazillion pineapples (or whatever the game currency is), and I'm one-step away from  the prestige lounge" etc etc etc.  And if you try to tell someone of something you've achieved - maybe at the weekend, or an after school event or whatever, you literally (and I've heard it) get met with "Meh". 😶

'Show and tell' isn't done anymore - I'm not sure if it's because of 'inequalities', or whether no-one does anything anymore because all everyone talks about, or falls out with each other about, or bullies each other about - is gaming!  There's no point going to see a roman villa if you're studying the Romans, there's no point in schlepping to Swansea university Egyptian exhibition if you're studying ancient Egypt, or visiting an iron-age roundhouse recreation, if you're studying the iron age.  No.one.is.interested.  If you're studying Romans, you get to watch a video about Pompeii, the iron age is studied by looking at Skara Brae online, and Egypt..... well you get to watch Sc00by D00..........

Nothing that we do, fits in anymore.  To fit in you have to game - in the morning before school, after school and at school you talk about what you've done in gaming and what you're going to do in gaming after school.  

LG never gets any recognition for what they do.  Apart from, from DH and me - but frankly, who listens to their parents when they're a kid?  And let's face it, the school bully saying 'Good job LG' would have 10x's the cache of anything DH and I could say...... LG is beginning to get more and more down, and saying that they 'don't like themselves'.  What the hell can I do?

Activity is going well at the moment, but we've reached a stage where moves are being 'finessed', and there are no major goals on the horizon (having said that, the last goal that LG achieved was met with a cursory 'well done' from their teacher and a snarky comment from a classmate who misheard and thought LG had 'won' something that they fiercely covert 🙄).  LG would give up activity in a heartbeat though - despite being quite good at it, and despite it proving fun to do.  

Club has hit the buffers a bit.  A change of leadership was - in some ways - required and it's a difficult path to tread.  At the moment, probably because things have to be in a 'holding pattern' whilst issues are dealt with in a professional manner, the sessions have become slightly 'same old, same old'.  Which is a shame, because in previous times club has been a fantastic way to try out new skills and challenges, with people perhaps who you don't go to school with everyday etc etc.  

LG isn't getting any praise/congratulations/positive feedback/recognition from "significant others" - I mean adults primarily, because I don't hear kids saying "good job" to each other anymore - perhaps they didn't when I was a kid, perhaps that's not how it works.  

I really have no idea what to do.  And I don't know whether it's just "here" that there is this issue - or would it be exactly the same elsewhere?  I was having a conversation with someone the other day about kids who have left LG's school - specifically LG's year group, and I counted up that something like 15% of the starting year have left, and one was strongly encouraged to leave and their return was barred.......  With one slight exception, all the kids are really nice, conventional, kind, thoughtful, quieter, kiddos.........  

Greying X

EssexHebridean

It's a tricky one - I would say that I too was usually one who did less "socially acceptable" things at school, and I would be lying if I didn't say that firstly, yes I was reasonably frequently bullied for it and secondly that the bullying would have happened at least a bit less, and I would have perhaps felt ever so slightly more like I "fitted in" if some steps had been taken to ensure that I had a little more common ground with classmates. I don't think these things are new - just that they take different forms depending on what was the "in thing" at the time, and right now it's the gaming thing of course. 

You mention that LG is good at the activity - but is it perhaps something that they are now feeling that they have grown out of a bit. Being good at something isn't always the same as wanting to continue to do it - is there another activity of a similar type (so sporty/organisation based/ arty or whatever) that they might feel they'd like to try instead? That could be compromise. Are there "friends" at the current activity who could be invited to playdates (or whatever the current terminology for a young person such as LG would be!). 

A change of school could be an approach - are there any parents of those who you know who have moved on you might be able to contact to see if things are different/better in a new school. If the school generally isn't a "good fit" for LG that's not likely to change as time moves on is it - but without being able to research whether things will be different elsewhere it could just end up with upheaval for no gain. 

I think that trying to ensure that LG leads an active life with real-world interactions is a fantastic aim, but I also think that there is going to have to be some degree of compromise as far as is possible with other more "usual" activities for children of their age... It's intensely uncomfortable feeling like the "odd one out" and all the more so when you have no control over changing that. It's also worth remembering that at least some of the kids telling LG that they are allowed to game in all their spare time, almost certainly aren't, but are simply toeing the party line in terms of classmates expectations...or in other terms, lying about it! (A bit like "My Mum & Dad let me do X, Y & Z" when in fact they don't let them do anything of the sort!) 

Greying_Pilgrim

EH - we're certainly going to try to move our position on the access to gaming.  I really don't want to, but we can, and we must - albeit that we're not going to suddenly allow LG to spent every moment of the non-school day hunched over a screen........

In terms of activity, it isn't so much 'grown out of' - I mean, had you given LG the opportunity to give up this time last year, for sure they would have taken it, they just lost any enthusiasm for even trying, and didn't listen to the instructor and oh my gosh, it was an awful time.  But then from somewhere, they just got a smidgen of focus, and success followed, and they managed to build on that success, and now we're at the stage where the major "awards" (for want of a better word - maybe levels, or challenges may be better), have been achieved, you find yourself either guided toward specialisation, or finessing, or stamina/endurance or keeping it as a pastime, or giving up completely.  LG could give up now - and we may not continue past the summer, but at the moment, the 'finesse' side of things is still holding an interest and LG is happy to continue.  But longer term, for sure we've reached a good point with this activity, and unless LG particularly wanted to specialise, then bobbling along at 'leisure' interest pace, is probably in their future.

If changing schools was a simpler thing to do, LG wouldn't be at their current school now.  To be fair, barring being asked to leave, the only way to leave (easily) is to go private or live somewhere entirely different and use your postcode.  

I get that kiddos exaggerate their activities - there is some...........  erm, how can I say..... erm - well, for a wide variety of reasons, and differing circumstances - there is quite a bit of reliance on using technology to keep LG's classmates "occupied", and gaming appears to be one of those avenues.  I'm feeling like trying to take your kiddo to see things, or have your child 'do' things - think camping or park-run, or an eco-club litter pick, or climbing a local 'big hill', or just have your child interract with others - maybe shop staff or your work colleagues, or their sister's nursery chums, or grandma's Whist team isn't the done thing.  And yet LG has in the past been complimented on their behaviour in other people's houses, or at other people's parties or the fact that LG has nattered freely and interestingly to an adult, or an older citizen or other child.  Someone did comment recently on how LG went to a birthday party, only knowing the birthday child, and yet they pitched in, played with the other guests, talked nicely to and helped a couple of younger children that were there, and listened to some adults who'd gone along to help.  It just feels like that doesn't get relayed to LG as 'typical' or 'nice' or 'good' behaviour.

Greying X

EssexHebridean

On the relaying of compliments, I'm not sure it ever did, to be honest - I can definitely remember being told and given a "well done" by Mum and Dad, or Nan, or my Aunt and Uncle of compliments that THEY had been paid about my behaviour, and similarly when dealing with children of friends, or nieces/nephews, I might well say to the parents that the child is a credit to them, but probably wouldn't say that to the child themselves as not all parents want that sort of compliment being given directly for various reasons. (Also - that behaviour should be able to be expected from a child, so they shouldn't see it as something "special" or "good", whereas it's nice for a parent to know that their work in ensuring that behaviour is just normal has paid off! It's similar in a way to parents not wanting someone else to reprimand their child, I guess, but preferring to have the poor behaviour mentioned to them so they can deal appropriately) 

Are there no other schools of the right age group in your catchment area at all? It used to be that it was a set radius of home I think, and in our area that would include probably include 4 or 5 at least primaries and 2, maybe three secondaries...you may be more rural than us though in which case the numbers would obviously be reduced - although I think the radius also used to be wider for more rural areas too. (I know that for secondary schools when I was growing up in a fairly urban area the radius was 2 miles - which I believe came from reasonable walking distance). I'd have hoped that the local education authority (whatever format that takes these days) should be alive to children being a "poor fit" for a school and feel able to offer alternatives - it's deeply sad if that has now been replaced with  "tough, get on with it" approach. 

Yep - the privilege thing is definitely a factor. I can remember being envious of a school friend who had a key from a young age, and let herself in after school, but also that it was gently pointed out to me that this was the case because both her parents worked long hours, that going into an empty house wasn't always a great thing, and to think of my fortune for having a parent at home (Mum used to work from home even back then - so although she was working, she was always there). Also a friend along the road who always had the latest clothes, gadgets etc - but the flipside on that one was that her parents were acrimoniously divorced - the "goodies" were very much appeasement for that, and given a choice she would probably have preferred my household set-up in a heartbeat, truth be told. Of course her take on it to others was always "look how much my parents love me for giving me all these things..." though - in hindsight, probably a defensive "spin".  

Greying_Pilgrim

EH - I didn't write it very well, me mentioning to LG (in an attempt to buoy them up) about another parent commenting on how good it was to have them at the party - because of X - didn't cut any ice.  I have to say, behaviour expectations have changed - some of the behaviour - for at example at birthday parties has been shocking.  It's levelled out a bit now there are less 'all class' invites, but certainly some children only operate in 'one mode', irrespective of where they are.

The school system in Greying Town is based on catchment area - even for primary, and if you're not in the catchment, you (at best) go at the end of a - usually very long - list.  We weren't in the catchment (per se) for the school LG ended up at - but we weren't allowed to go to the school we were in the area for, as c'vid delayed the sale of our house (can't see a house if no one can view it 🫤) and so we were shoved into this current school because in addition to it's own 'catchment' area it acts as a 'soak up' school to keep numbers up.  Hence why some people have been able to move more easily, as their 'place' has (finally) come up at their local school.  One of the schools that we applied for when we lived at the rental - we were closer to that than the actual 'catchment school' - had a waiting list of 7 at the time who were already in catchment.  We were something like 8th on the list of children out of catchment - which translates to 'no hope' for a popular and good school ☹️We have subsequently moved into the catchment area for the school LG attends.  I don't know if that was the right decision or not - it was all we could afford, renting was crippling us, and at the time (and since), prices for houses have only gone one way ☹️

Your last paragraph really resonated.  As an adult, I know that often there are 'reasons why' children..... 'have all the things' or 'have the latch-key' or 'don't get called out'.  It's increasingly difficult to explain that to LG - partly because I don't want them to be loaded with "don't mention.....", or worse still, blurt out something in a moment of exasperation.  As individuals, I know that "family" can look different to different people.  It's something that we do talk about with LG - although, at present, we can only model Ma. Pa & little 'un.  Who can say if our family structure will remain like this.  And coincidentally, you have brushed upon the reason for this all coming to a head at this moment in time.  Someone who has 'all the things gaming' and spends 'all the time gaming' has completely different familial circumstances to us.  And regrettably, there are aspects of those circumstances that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and certainly not a child, to have to deal with.  The child predominately games, eats, sleeps and attends school.  There isn't alot of anything else going on in their lives.  I don't know if they would swap places in a heart beat, or whether they are content with their lot.  The home circumstances are such that i don't know where to start with trying to explain to LG why the child in question probably has little else but gaming to hang onto (although they want for little materially - but "stuff" isn't everything, is it).  

Greying X

Greying_Pilgrim

It is currently raining with us.  LG was having to walk to a different educational site this afternoon in order to participate in an activity.  I'm glad I insisted they take their coat - and hopefully they are wearing it.  I don't think the venue will be happy at little kids dripping onto their parquet flooring 🫤

I had meant to say, I think it was bluegreen who had mentioned some self-esteem books aimed at a junior audience.  I have looked at our county catalogue, and they aren't on the list - I didn't want you to think I hadn't followed it up.  Our library system seems to have a bar on any books that are american in origin, even if you can get them here.  I have found (of all genres), that knitting and crochet books fall into this 'not stocked' category as well. 

I've been looking at house prices.  Realistically we're stuck where we are for the foreseeable.  I don't know how we could 'bridge the gap' between what we would get for this place (particularly if we do nothing more to it), and what we would need to buy elsewhere.  Time to buy a lottery ticket I think. 

Greying X
  

Humdinger1

@Greying_Pilgrim I don't know if there are any Steiner schools near you.  Their philosophy certainly used to be that parents paid what they could, and contributed to the school in other ways.  They are certainly non- materialistic and could be an excellent fit.  Love Humdinger xx