Parents living with me

trailingspouse

The time has come - after coping remarkably well living independently until now, my mother (93) and my father (87) will be moving in with me on Friday.

They want to contribute to the cost of running the house, and all the additional costs of having them with me. They want to pay me £1000 a month - this is far more than I need, but it's well within their means and I appreciate the offer. In the fullness of time I will be their sole beneficiary.

Is there anything I should think about before accepting their kind offer?

thegreenone

Is your house set up for them to live with you? 
Stairlift.
Walk-in shower. Grab handles in bathroom/toilet.
Kitchen cupboards accessible/light weight kettle/saucepans etc

You should accept the £1000 as you may need many of the above soon!  Good luck.

Brie

Discuss with them what their money (aka "rent") will cover.  When we and MiL combined households I did a tally of what her food, sherry (!),  general laundry would cost - A.  And then I looked at what all our standard bills were and split those 3 ways (council tax, water, landline, broadband/wifi for TV)  - B.  And then looked at the utility bills and split those 3 ways and designated her share as 2/3 (extreme heating costs!!) - C.   A + B + C = what I thought was required to cover the cost of her sharing the home. 

Everything beyond that was down to her paying from her bank account (carers, furniture, Radio Times, extra linen, frequent laundry costs at the local laundry service).  Anything new wanted like clothes or when her TV died were less frequent expenses but again came from her account.  

She also paid for holidays we all took together.  We were caring for her 24/7 (she was ok-ish but couldn't be left alone for more than a couple of hours) so if we wanted a holiday she had to come with us and going anywhere was more difficult/expensive than us travelling on our own.  (rooms needing to be mobility accessible etc).

Maybe have a contract/letter of intent drawn up so everyone is clear on what's what.  I didn't with MiL but our arrangement was very straight forward and there is little to no other family.  It would have helped a bit though when MiL was eventually hospitalised.

Do be sure that they get POAs in place for both - it would have saved us a lot of hassle. 

In the short term see if you can get 3rd party access to their bank accounts so that you can help manage or at least monitor their money.  In 4 years MiL went from being somewhat independent with cards and cash in her wallet, to not being able to get to a bank, not being able to use a cash machine and ultimately not knowing what anything was supposed to cost.  At the beginning she could use the phone and order clothing using her card, had cash to buy herself and a carer coffee if they were on an outing.  Later on her purse was only used to hide her medicine when she didn't want to take it or as a safe place for her to put her wedding ring.  By having 3rd party authority I was able to pay all her bills for her once she wasn't able to do it herself.  POA will allow the same thing by 3PA is free and quicker to set up.  Also means that the bank(s) accept your situation and they will not question you using online banking or an ATM with a card in your own name.  

Them giving you more money helps account for the time and effort you have to put into helping them.  It sounds mercenary but it's quite acceptable to the local council should they decide to examine their finances as some point.  It also sets up a pattern of spending for them which may be helpful to have documented. 

Costs are only going to go up so having the "rent" a bit high to begin with is not a bad thing.  Do be sure that you update things occasionally, maybe every 6 months.  If nothing else by keeping records it makes you look responsible (in a good way) and should satisfy any questions that anyone including perhaps nosey relatives raise.  

Enjoy your time with them.  It can be a challenge and sometimes MiL was infuriating.  But she was also delightful and full of fun.  Must admit I miss here now that she is no longer around (would have turned 97 this year!!)

Brie

AND don't forget to register with utility companies, water, etc that you have vulnerable people living in the house.  That should help when there is the next big storm or power cut or whatever.

badmemory

I would add a taller toilet along with the grab rail. 

DigSunPap

Thats great of you to take them back in with you. Are they able, will they have care need costs?

Mojisola

Brie said:

Discuss with them what their money (aka "rent") will cover. 

Don't talk about it as rent - that's a commercial arrangement.

It's sharing household costs - it's not counted as income and there's no tax to pay on the money.

I would also agree to regular reassessments - say, every six months - especially in light of the way energy bills and insurance costs are rising.

Although it's going off the subject of your questions - have they made POAs?

trailingspouse

Many thanks for all your helpful comments. To take them all in turn -

- no need for a starilift yet, but I'm having to have my bath replaced as the curved sides aren't compatible with the Dolphin bath hammocky thing that they're brinigng with them. They've got an additional banister at home, so we're going to bring that with us too.

- we'll be putting grab rails in

- no walk-in shower and no space for one, but both prefer baths anyway (the shower is over the bath, which is fine for me)

- they're bringing their own kettle, pans etc which they're used to

- POAs are in place, and I have already registered with their current account provider and main savings account provider. Will chip away at other financial institutions once they're here.

- hadn't thought of keeping records, but it makes perfect sense. And also re-negotiating as prices increase, if necessary.

- the extra costs will be mainly for heating (they do like the place warm!!), water, food of course, petrol for appointments and trips out

- I've already registered with British Gas priority services, need to contact water.

- the house is big enough for them to have a bedroom and a sitting room upstairs, and they can use the family bathroom (I have an en suite), so we don't have to be on top of one another (although they'll be welcome in the downstairs room as well!!)

It's going to be a challenge - but it's time. And I like a challenge.

Sapindus

Taller toilets are a major contributor to constipation.  If you get one, you need a footstool as well.

elsien

It’s not going make any difference to you because there is already a power-of-attorney, but just wanted to flag up ref an earlier post for anyone else reading that the third-party bank mandate is only for when people have capacity. 

If someone loses capacity the bank mandate should end because they no longer have the ability to monitor that it’s been used correctly.

I know people to carry on using it past that point, but if it gets flagged up it is in breach of the bank’s terms and conditions and also that way safeguarding lies. 

Third-party bank mandates are not a cheap alternative for power-of-attorney. 

gwynlas

If they have their own rooms then they could justify having domestic help to clean, change bedding etc as well as laundry and ironing.