The Three C's - Coffee, Clothes & Credit Cards

PennysIntoPounds

That is such a tough situation to have been put in, obviously I don't know the ins and outs but from a cynical point of view it could be interpreted as your brother trying to get you to pay lots of money to assuage his guilt/make sure your Dad doesn't move in with or near him! I completely get what you mean about how you would react to it being your mum, but in reality thats irrelevant.
There are plenty of ways I feel like a b**** for decisions I made about my Dad but I know I made the right decisions at the time for *both* our welfare. It's not going to improve your Dad's quality of life being at loggerheads with his daughter because your lifestyles aren't compatible x

Sarahwithlove

enthusiasticsaver said:

That sounds like a difficult decision to make.  A friend of mine and her husband took in his dad after his mum died and it ended disastrously for pretty much the reason you cite in that he did not respect boundaries and never kept to his annexe and my friend constantly felt she was being chased around the house.  It got so bad she was reluctant to go home and would stay late at work to avoid having to see him.  Eventually they got him to move into sheltered accommodation where they could see and help him on their terms. 

see that's my concern, that I will feel trapped upstairs as the only way to get away from him as he would struggle with them now. I've also got used to having my own space now and my own company, whereas he feels lonely so I don't think he will leave me alone. I also feel at 34 I am too young to be considering it, I had hoped we would have another 5-10 years before we got to this point. 

Sarahwithlove

PennysIntoPounds said:

That is such a tough situation to have been put in, obviously I don't know the ins and outs but from a cynical point of view it could be interpreted as your brother trying to get you to pay lots of money to assuage his guilt/make sure your Dad doesn't move in with or near him! I completely get what you mean about how you would react to it being your mum, but in reality thats irrelevant.
There are plenty of ways I feel like a b**** for decisions I made about my Dad but I know I made the right decisions at the time for *both* our welfare. It's not going to improve your Dad's quality of life being at loggerheads with his daughter because your lifestyles aren't compatible x

I wouldn't be paying any more than I am now, if anything I would most likely be a bit better off financially as would have my dad contributing towards the bills. But not sure that's enough of a benefit right now. Part of me does think my brother is thinking if he moves in with me then there will be less responsibility for him without the guilt for doing so little. In fairness to my dad he does know I do more for him, when he gave us money from his recent lump sum he gave me more than my brothers, he also wants to leave me more in his will than my brothers for all the help I provide, which itself is a whole different issue. It is his choice and that's what my brothers say but I do wonder whether they really feel that way or just saying it. But this whole situation has made me realise how happy they are to let me deal with everything on my dads behalf and just tell them what we are doing.

OpalGirl

Re your Dad - if you did purchase a property together could there be potential issues for you if at some stage in the future he needed to go into care and needed his share of the property value to fund it? Or if he died, would your brothers have a claim on his share?

Sarahwithlove

OpalGirl said:

Re your Dad - if you did purchase a property together could there be potential issues for you if at some stage in the future he needed to go into care and needed his share of the property value to fund it? Or if he died, would your brothers have a claim on his share?

It would have to be put in just my name due to needing a mortgage and at this moment he doesn't have care needs so couldn't be taken into consideration. I do the financial assessments for my day job so very aware of the rules and criteria. Which is one of reasons want it sorted now. 

joedenise

I think your gut feeling is usually the right one.  If he needs to move then moving into sheltered accommodation would be better for both him and you.  You do more for him than your brother so I do think it is something to do with his guilt of not doing as much as to why he thinks it would be a good idea to buy another property with an annex for your dad!

Sarahwithlove

joedenise said:

I think your gut feeling is usually the right one.  If he needs to move then moving into sheltered accommodation would be better for both him and you.  You do more for him than your brother so I do think it is something to do with his guilt of not doing as much as to why he thinks it would be a good idea to buy another property with an annex for your dad!

Thanks. I think he knows my dad is lonely and he could do more for him but it's easier to let me do it. If I were there full time he wouldn't have to do anything. I'll see what mortgage advisor says but I'm 99% sure that i don't want to go down that route. Be good to know what I can get though for potential move for me next year. 

Got my car tax letter today, £200!! It goes up every year I swear. I may have to consider downsizing my car as seems to be in a higher insurance bracket as well. 

DancingInTheRain

I'd also trust your gut instinct, too close for comfort and as you say you do a lot for your Dad already, doesn't mean you have to do more, we all need our privacy and boundaries.

If your Dad is lonely are then any 'Men's Shed' type organisations where he could meet others he might have something in common with?

Sarahwithlove

DancingInTheRain said:

I'd also trust your gut instinct, too close for comfort and as you say you do a lot for your Dad already, doesn't mean you have to do more, we all need our privacy and boundaries.

If your Dad is lonely are then any 'Men's Shed' type organisations where he could meet others he might have something in common with?

He does go to alot of those types of things but many shut down for the winter months. He has a very busy social life during the day but it's the evenings being sat at home I think. Maybe if he is happier with where he is living he would feel better about the evenings. 

Sarahwithlove

Hello! Can you believe in a week's time it will be Christmas? Where has this month gone? Payslips have gone up for payday on 29th and its slightly more than I predicted so that's good news. 

I decided to use some of my savings to clear majority of one of the cards, will clear remainder of it on payday. Then its just the one card left which I do technically have the money to clear it but happy to let it sit in my savings account and pay the £50 a month the DD is set at. When the 0% ends in September I will clear it then. 

I'm slightly concerned at how much I am still spending, I really need to try and reign it in a bit. Some of it has been unplanned expenses, such as 2 massages due to hurting my back at the gym. Which itself was an unplanned expense, but I feel so much better already and only been 3 times. 

The biggest expenditure has been my football tickets and petrol. I've brought 3 tickets this month £26-27 a time and also refilled my car 1.5 times already. Probably need to get another half tank before payday depending who drives on boxing day. With the trips to the gym I have increased my petrol allowance from January. Going forward I should only need to buy one ticket a month, occasionally 2. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much as I work hard so should be able to enjoy the things I love and when my debts are gone I can increase my spending allowance to include it.

I have also been doing overtime most weekends to earn some extra pennies to cover it going forward but for now the Barclays cashback I got for switching has covered it. Just means slightly less towards my debts. 

But even before the overtime being added to my wages I should have £750-800 left on my credit card in September and around £4k in savings so even if I use that to clear it I would still have my £3k sinking fund left over. So I'm trying not to stress and focusing on getting a good balance of enjoying life and paying debts down. 

The good news is that going to gym us making me want to eat healthier so less takeaways and meals out. So hopefully I will start to need to use money for extras less and less. 

No plans this week until Friday, which have hairdresser coming round, Saturday is football so train fare and possibly parking then Sunday is family Xmas so will no doubt get a takeaway. Will need to buy some flowers and box of biscuits as a thank you for Xmas day. Then boxing day I'm off to football. We usually take a packed lunch and then stop for food on way home. So will be meal out and either petrol money or petrol itself depending who drives. 

It will be tight with very little in the way of spending money left over but I still have a good chunk of food money left and don't need much in the way of shopping. I will have to just see how it goes. 

Are we all ready for Christmas?