Partner staying 5 nights a week

Tulip2023

I have been with my partner for almost 2 years, he owns a house but his ex lives in it and pays the mortgage and bills, hoping to buy him out eventually. His boss pays for his digs in the week, and he was staying at his parents at weekends for free until he met me. However gradually over time he has spent more and more time at mine, as I live fairly close to his work. I own my home, pay my mortgage and all bills. We have now reached a point he is here 5 nights a week, he hasn't offered anything towards bills. I was ok with the situation when he wasn't staying as regular as he helps around the house, including home improvements (his time, not money, but of value to me none the less) and pays for most meals out.
We are talking about saving equally for holidays now though and I am starting to feel the current situation is unfair, resentment is starting to build. He earns less than me though, about 10% less. I dont want to make money from him but I dont want him living here having his washing done etc and not contributing either. 
How do I broach this with him and what would be fair to ask for? 

elsien

Stop doing his washing for him? He is a grown man after all. And if he’s not living with you in he needs to be doing his own washing wherever he is living.
Do you want him there five nights a week? Do you want him there all the time? Is it just the money that’s the issue?

When you say he’s doing home improvements, you might want to check about beneficial interest, to be on the safe side. 

It’s probably time to sit down and say - Do either of you want him to move in full time? because at the moment, he’s neither one or the other - he’s not your live in partner, he’s not a boyfriend visiting occasionally, he’s betwixt and between and that’s probably where the source of the confusion is coming from. He probably thinks he’s paying his way from when you go out et cetera.

So my view would be that before you start talking about money you need to start talking about your relationship and then to move on to how both of you see the finances working in the future.

comeandgo

This is reminiscent of what some of our employees did when working away on contracts.  We paid them subsistence but some bunked up with a willing lady to get free digs.   You are being used.  If you are sure he is not just after cheap digs you need to tell him how it is looking, show him this page.

Exodi

Tulip2023 said:

We are talking about saving equally for holidays now though and I am starting to feel the current situation is unfair, resentment is starting to build.

Honestly none of what you've said is unreasonable and it is easy to see how you both ended up in this situation. Originally he may have tried to balance things when he 'pays for most meals out' but now is he is staying more than before, the balance is again out of kilter.

Tackle this head on, I think you'll be suprised. The last thing you want to do is keep this sort of thing bottled inside, building resentment to the point you explode.

It gets thrown around a lot, but communication really is key. Granted, it would have been better if he was proactive in addressing this imbalance, but no-one's perfect. Think about what you want from him? It's probably controversial having him pay towards the mortgage (and not advised) but having him contribute towards the bills seems look a good start!

MikeJXE

It sounds to me this relationship is coming to the end game

You wouldn't have been put in this position if he thought anything of you 

It's time to smell the coffee

Tulip2023

Living wise, I want it to stay at 5 days a week for the foreseeable future, it suits us both well.
But it just feels unfair money wise at the moment. I probably would have reached this realisation sooner but I earn enough that I am not struggling at all to pay the bills currently...this will change when I remortgage in the future. 

Wyndham

Tulip2023 said:

Living wise, I want it to stay at 5 days a week for the foreseeable future, it suits us both well.
But it just feels unfair money wise at the moment. I probably would have reached this realisation sooner but I earn enough that I am not struggling at all to pay the bills currently...this will change when I remortgage in the future. 

And that's maybe a nice way into the conversation. Cost of living overall may be a good way to phrase it and start the conversation off?

Tulip2023

Yes, I will push myself to start the conversation. Thanks for everyones input. My ex was financially and emotionally abusive so I struggle with confidence when it comes to these conversations as I always expect a bad reaction. 

Exodi

Tulip2023 said:

Yes, I will push myself to start the conversation. Thanks for everyones input. My ex was financially and emotionally abusive so I struggle with confidence when it comes to these conversations as I always expect a bad reaction. 

Honestly I think most people worry about these sorts of conversation - but then end up pleasantly suprised at the outcome.

Communication is key, I think starting it like Wyndham suggested is a good idea. It doesn't need to be a big drama if you don't make it.

My partner and I have changed our financial arrangement numerous times, a lot of the time the imbalance isn't caused by any sort of malice.

Mojisola

Exodi said:

Tulip2023 said:

Yes, I will push myself to start the conversation. Thanks for everyones input. My ex was financially and emotionally abusive so I struggle with confidence when it comes to these conversations as I always expect a bad reaction. 

Honestly I think most people worry about these sorts of conversation - but then end up pleasantly suprised at the outcome.

And if he doesn't respond in a fair and reasonable way, that will tell you a lot about the relationship as well.

Include household chores in the discussion - two people living together should be sharing the work required to keep the household functioning!

Exodi

Mojisola said:

Exodi said:

Tulip2023 said:

Yes, I will push myself to start the conversation. Thanks for everyones input. My ex was financially and emotionally abusive so I struggle with confidence when it comes to these conversations as I always expect a bad reaction. 

Honestly I think most people worry about these sorts of conversation - but then end up pleasantly suprised at the outcome.

And if he doesn't respond in a fair and reasonable way, that will tell you a lot about the relationship as well.

Include household chores in the discussion - two people living together should be sharing the work required to keep the household functioning!

Absolutely agree. I think the conversation should now be focused on divvying up financial and manual responsibilities 50/50 if that their objective remains to progress together (with the exception of the mortgage which is more nuanced).

I just pray he is emotionally mature enough to also see it from the OP's side and not immediately just jump to "well I pay zero living with my parents, so I'll just spend more time there again".

As someone that seems to have paid housing costs for at least 2 years, he must have quite the savings pot!