Trying for a baby

MikeL93

Me and my girlfriend have been discussing trying for a baby for about 12 months now and at the start of this year we agreed that we would start trying at the end of this year as we had no plans on the horizon and more importantly we’re not getting any younger.

However, a few weeks ago my parents mentioned taking us, my sisters and their partners and my nephew to Florida next year on a big family holiday. This now has thrown a bit of a spanner into the works as we don’t want to delay trying for a baby as we’re both in our late 20’s but also if we don’t go to Florida we’ll have to tell people the reason why.

I have said we’re just going to have to be honest but maybe just tell our parents for the time being why we don’t want to go on this big family holiday.

If anyone has any help or advice it would be appreciated.

gettingtheresometime

MikeL93 said:

Me and my girlfriend have been discussing trying for a baby for about 12 months now and at the start of this year we agreed that we would start trying at the end of this year as we had no plans on the horizon and more importantly we’re not getting any younger.

However, a few weeks ago my parents mentioned taking us, my sisters and their partners and my nephew to Florida next year on a big family holiday. This now has thrown a bit of a spanner into the works as we don’t want to delay trying for a baby as we’re both in our late 20’s but also if we don’t go to Florida we’ll have to tell people the reason why.

I have said we’re just going to have to be honest but maybe just tell our parents for the time being why we don’t want to go on this big family holiday.

If anyone has any help or advice it would be appreciated.

Personally I would come up with an excuse because even if your parents could be trusted not to say anything, how would you explain your absence to the other members of the family?

I would use the excuse of leave constraints.

Having said that (again speaking personally) I can't imagine a worse way of spending my precious annual leave.

Sapindus

Is there a reason why you don't want anyone to know you are trying for a baby? I get that it can be awkward if there's any difficulty and then people keep asking questions.

You could say something like "gosh, that's a long way off, a lot could happen between now and then, will you be able to get a refund or take someone else if we've changed jobs and can't get leave, or be about to have a baby, or something?"

oldernonethewiser

My family was once "treated" to a holiday in Florida



The flights were a gift but everything else we had to pay for. 

Sounded exciting but we ended up spending much more than any holiday we would have chosen ourselves. 

You might have a financial escape route. 

Malthusian

I know Florida is pretty backward but I think they still allow pregnant women in.
You are worried that your biological clocks are ticking but you are also worried that you are so overflowing with fecundity that a baby might pop into existence the moment you throw away the Durex at the end of 2023, forcing you to withdraw from a holiday in 2024? Sounds like a nice problem to have to me.
If you are worried about losing the non-refundable costs of the holiday then wait till you find out how much children cost.
If you delay trying for a baby until after you have gone baby-less to Florida, then by the time the Florida holiday rolls around there will be another reason to put it off. 

*edit* Also, big multi-generational multi-branched family holidays like this are easy to propose and hard to actually arrange without collapsing under the weight of failed attempts to find a date that everyone can make. Often followed by failed attempts to find a place that everyone is happy with.
If you are reticent about talking about your life plans, you can keep your cards close to your chest until the moment the organiser is asking for a final decision as to whether you are going or not. As a childless couple you will probably be expected to go along with whatever dates are convenient for the others.
On the plus side, if it does happen and the nephew is the right age, you can do some free babysitting and get some free practice at keeping children alive.

thegreenone

No-one knows how long it takes to get pregnant, everyone is different and you're not exactly 'over the hill' at late 20s.  It's also no-one else's business because if you declare it, you will be asked every month "any news"?  Which will become depressing, certainly for your partner, if nothing is happening.

Keep quiet, see what happens but the moment your parents book the trip, book your own travel insurance in case you need to cancel.

MalMonroe

MikeL93 said:

Me and my girlfriend have been discussing trying for a baby for about 12 months now and at the start of this year we agreed that we would start trying at the end of this year as we had no plans on the horizon and more importantly we’re not getting any younger.

However, a few weeks ago my parents mentioned taking us, my sisters and their partners and my nephew to Florida next year on a big family holiday. This now has thrown a bit of a spanner into the works as we don’t want to delay trying for a baby as we’re both in our late 20’s but also if we don’t go to Florida we’ll have to tell people the reason why.

I have said we’re just going to have to be honest but maybe just tell our parents for the time being why we don’t want to go on this big family holiday.

If anyone has any help or advice it would be appreciated.

I'd hate having to go on a big family holiday. It's a wonderful and generous gesture by your parents but it wouldn't work for me. 

And if I didn't want anyone to know that I was trying for a baby, then I wouldn't tell them either, until I was ready.

It seems that your parents are just at the talking stage. It may or may not go ahead. Your sisters and their partners may or may not want to go - or they may have reasons they don't want to go but haven't shared them with anyone yet.

I'm not sure I'd want to come up with an excuse either. I would just ask to be excused. Especially if I was in my late 20s. But then I was living in Australia at that time and had a baby there when I was 28.

Do you have to give a reason? 

I'd leave things for now. If it gets serious you could say that you don't think you're going to be able to make it. But as someone else has said, late twenties isn't that old - one of my friends was 35 with her first pregnancy and another one was 39. 

Angelica123

Is that the only reason you wouldn't want to go on the trip? Would you want to go otherwise?

It sounds like this plan is still very much in the idea phase. The likelihood of finding a date that would work for everyone is likely to be the first barrier. And I imagine cost will likely be a big factor too. It's highly possible this trip won't go ahead anyway. 

There is no need to tell them that you are thinking of trying for a baby regardless. Everyone's fertility journey is different and there's nothing worse than having to be constantly asked about it especially if it doesn't go the way you would hope. I certainly wouldn't time your family planning around a theoretical trip that might not happen. 

Just see how things play out. You always use finances as an excuse. 

bunnygo

you may want to think twice about going to Florida (or many US states) while pregnant, or even while trying to get pregnant. The removal of abortion rights means that a miscarriage or an ectopic may have to go untreated. The latter means death.

elsien

bunnygo said:

you may want to think twice about going to Florida (or many US states) while pregnant, or even while trying to get pregnant. The removal of abortion rights means that a miscarriage or an ectopic may have to go untreated. The latter means death.

While thinking the law is appalling, it does allow for treatment where there is a risk of death.
Sorry to go off on a tangent and there are implications to think about but it’s not quite that clear cut. 

Silvertabby

elsien said:

bunnygo said:

you may want to think twice about going to Florida (or many US states) while pregnant, or even while trying to get pregnant. The removal of abortion rights means that a miscarriage or an ectopic may have to go untreated. The latter means death.

While thinking the law is appalling, it does allow for treatment where there is a risk of death.
Sorry to go off on a tangent and there are implications to think about but it’s not quite that clear cut. 

Don't know if Florida is one of them, but at least a couple of US states have ruled that, in the event of an ectopic pregnancy, the foetus must be transplanted into the womb, as just removing it would be an illegal abortion.  This is despite being told that no such medical procedure exists.......