How to support elderly parents & vulnerable son

startingout2016

Starting to worry about parents in their 70’s who live with their adult vulnerable son. 

what’s he going to do when my parents aren’t around any longer? 

The house they all live in is large and costly to run. 

My parents had planned on moving/downsizing to release money to aid their retirement and ease their burden but with brother living there this has all been put on hold. 

What happens when my parents need care ? 

What happens when brother needs financial help?

tacpot12

You are probably overreacting. It seems unlikely that your brother would hurt either of your parents, if his only threats to date have been to harm himself, but it is not beyond the bounds of what is possible. I don't think they will ramp up, unless you try to force him to do something that he doesn't want to do. 

He clearly needs professional help, and there should be no need to pay for this. I wopuld say that there is no hope of him improving without this professional help, and therefore you have to keep an eye on the safety of your parents, if he will not seek help or engage with it when offered. Have a read of this: Safeguarding order people from abuse and neglect (ageuk.org.uk)

If necessary, Social Services can arrange for him to be excluded from the home, and will help sort out some alternative accomodation for him. 

I understand why you are angry, but part of your anger seems to stem from the fact that you don't accept your brother is ill. I think the situation you describe suggests that he is ill. It is certainly not normal behaviour. You may be making his behaviour worse by expecting things of him that he cannot do; such as engaging with people or going out. You might need to change your approach so that you are supportive of him, so that you can get him to make some small changes that would help your parents. I think you also need to give your parents a break (they seem to be demanding this) - you seem to be the one instigating all the unpleasantness, and winding both him and them up. (Sorry if this is hard to hear, but part of the benefit about posting on a public forum is that you get some different views on a situation). 

It might help if he could claim Personal Independence Payments (PIP), with one of his parents or you as his appointee. To claim, he would need a diagnosis from a mental health specialist doctor (ideally under the NHS). If he claims PIP, he will have some income that he can use to pay his parents rent and for food, so that they are not supporting him. You might also look at the other benefits he should be claiming IF he is too ill to work, which it sounds like he is. The relevant benefit would be Employment and Support Allowance (ESA). 

When your parents pass, he will have to find his own accomodation, and given his mental health, he will probably not be able to do so unless he is already known to Social Services or has your support. With support, he will be able to find accomodation. There are another benefit (Universal Credit) he can claim that would pay most of his rent.

He is very unlikely to help if your parents need care (I'm in a somewhat similar position in that my brother has disappeared!) I know that I will be the one who will be looking after my parents, but that's okay because they looked after me. It's not fair that it should all fall on you, but if he is ill, he won't be able to put their needs above his own; he isn't doing so currently, and I don't see this changing.

Sorry you are going through this, but I think you need to find some support for yourself first to ensure that you are able to help the situation rather than make it worse. 

MikeJXE

I'm an elderly parent 82 but don't have kids living with me 

If I did and they were like your brother I would move out and leave him to it 

sevenhills

Nothing you can do, as Mike says, if your parents want to put and end to the situation, they need to sell up and move out.
Don't worry about it, it's impossible to know what will happen in the future.

elsien

tacpot12 
….

If necessary, Social Services can arrange for him to be excluded from the home, and will help sort out some alternative accomodation for him. 

…….

Social services don’t have the power to do any such thing. Or to have alternative accommodation on tap. Particularly  if he doesn’t want to go.

Any actions to remove your brother from your parents home would need to come from them and they’re clearly not at that point yet, however hard it is for you to watch.

I do sympathise.  I had a relative with mental health difficulties who wouldn’t engage with services. The reality is with how stretched mental health services are, and your brother having the choice about whether he wants to support or not, unless he become so ill that he needs to be sectioned there is little that the professionals can do. And even then he could still return home afterwards if your parents said that was okay.

It’s clearly not helping you adding to the stress by telling them he needs to get out and stand on his own 2 feet. They must feel like they’re in the middle of the two of you sometimes.

There is no indication at the moment that your parents have their own support needs, or are anywhere near needing care. If they are still competent adults, any moves to change anything has to come from them. All you can do is be supportive.

TBagpuss

It's difficult, but ultimately your parents choice.

What you can do is:

- support them, including noting that there are things they can do, if they decide that they can't cope as things are, and that you are happy to provide practical and emotional support if and when they want to do anything.

- separately, talk to them about whether they have got Powers of Attorney setup in case they become ill or unable to manage their affairs. Perhaps suggest to them that as your brother is unwell and not able to deal with practical matters for himself, it would be sensible if they grant the powers to  each other and to you, rather than burdening him with the role (this would mean that if they do become incapacitated, you would be able to deal with their affairs including if need be, reducing the support to him) 

If THEY want, they could require him to leave, it sounds as though he is either a lodger or a bare licensee so doesn't have any rights to remain in the property. Separately from any conversation about PoA then you could flag up the possibility that it may take them taking drastic actin for him to be willing to start to help himself .

Social services cannot exclude him from the home but your parents could apply for an injunction to make him leave if they needed to. Equally, IF that happened he would then be homeless, he could seek help with housing. (and of course , your parents could at that point offer him a one bed flat of other accommodation if they wish) 

If he threatens to kill himself then you/they can call an ambulance / police if they feel the threat is real and depending on the situation (e.g. police if he is missing, ambulance if he is threatening to or says that he has  overdosed) - it is possible for a person to be 'sectioned' under the mental health act if they are considered to be a threat to themselves or others, this might be relevant if he  does threaten to harm himself and might result in his getting treatment, although I don't think that a threat to self harm would in itself be enough, it would depend if the medical staff assessing him felt that he was genuinely at risk.

Ultimately, however, your parents are adults and they are allowed to make choices for themselves, even if those choices are not, or don't appear to be, in their best interests.

If you felt that your brother was coercing them then you could raise this as a concern of elder abuse, with social services, but it sounds as though they are choosing to support him.

ID there anything you can do to help them out? Maybe invite them to visit you for a couple of weeks so they get a break, even helping out a little financially if you get the sense they are struggling. 

BungalowBel

Myself and my husband are in our 70s.

I could not turn away a child of mine who needed help.  It must be a gigantic worry for them.

However, offering help may not include him living with us, although we would want to make sure he was going to be adequately housed before we told him he had to move. You seem to suggest that your parents could afford to buy him a flat of his own.  Could he be encouraged to move into it if they did so, perhaps with your help if he needed support to remember to pay his bills etc?

Maybe you could help your parents to get him the help he needs, although if he will not engage with the help, it makes it much more problematic.

retiringtoosoon

Looks like he’s playing an ace card in getting sole inheritance rights once they pass away tbh.

startingout2016

I’m not too sure he would manage that.  

It wouldn’t be possible for the house to be kept without needing to pay a large inheritance tax bill and if for some reason there was no tax to pay he couldn’t afford the council tax (band h) let alone the gas or electricity bill with his benefits 

RAS

Is the potential estate worth more than £1m?

startingout2016

Yes, I’m not too sure of the value and this could obviously changé dramatically over the years but maybe between £2-3million

ETA - clearly if there is a requirement for care later on I expect this could reduce dramatically and be potentially much lower than £1m