Simplifying Life

ceridwen

Hi Mary

You called?

Well - I think we all know that one in some context or other. The one about us trying to have a friendly/chatty relationship with someone else - but a "blank wall" back in response - or just standard "politeness". We have to accept at some point that we're just not going to be able to have that type of relationship and move on. And - yes - I think you are taking the right attitude to your brother and not "hating" him - whats the point of "hate" anyway? Waste of good energy to feel that way. Being wary of people who have hurt us once too often - now thats got some point to it and avoids giving them the chance to hurt us again - but "hate" is a useless waste of time/energy. I guess feeling sorry for him is perfectly understandable - if he doesnt want the friendship and (I'm guessing) warmth that is clearly available from your direction - then that is his loss and his pain.

Sounds to me like you have plenty to "give" and well - if its your foster children that are deriving the benefit of that instead - well, in the grand scheme of things - that's all to the good isnt it? They need it - he clearly manages without it and sounds like he barely notices to boot.

Life - eh? Maybe it comes with middle age - but, as I was commenting on my blog today, I cant think of one single person I know that doesnt have some sort of "cross to bear" - be it health problems, money problems or relationship problems. We all seem to have our "share" one way or another.

So - I guess right now - its down to the trying to count blessings bit - as in (for more reasons than one) "Thank goodness I dont live in Burma". Or to put a more positive slant on things - "Thank goodness I have x/y/z"

mary43

My built up feelings of 'hate' towards my brother I think were the result of endless years of verbal 'put downs', criticisms, oh any number of things, you name it and particularly since Mums been ill. Still, I tried, I did my bit and as least now I can see where the land lies and more or less where I'm going.
Brother is always a great one for saying 'family should do this or that or the other', stick together, bloods thicker etc.' but when it comes down to it he's reading from a different script.
I get so much pleasure from the young people I care for, particularly when they have left and grown up and the relationship becomes on a different level. Going out with ex foster girl this morning was a joy and she's as much family to me as my sons who both love her dearly.

As for middle age and the 'crosses we seem to bear'..........well maybe they were there all along but with youth we never noticed them, or certainly dealt with them differently..............not sure.It does seem everyone has something but the old saying of 'problem shared being halved' can be very true. Doesn't get rid of the problem but helps so much if there's someone to bear (or share) it with you.
And yes, we should count our blessings..........the Burmese situation is just beyond beliefand with aid not getting through as quickly as it should it could so easily prevent a lot of people from 'giving' and not just for this crisis, but for others that are bound to occur. It does help put out own problems into perspective and is very much 'there but for the grace of god go I'

mary43

Ain't there always something ! Just when I thought I'd 'got myself together' as it were I get a phone call from ex foster girl - house fire last night......all the upstairs of her home is wrecked.......clothes, bed and bedding, towels and heaven knows what else. Thankfully she's insured and her and her OH are ok and thats what counts more than anything else.Knocked me back a bit it really has. She's like a daughter to us and the thought of something like this happening to someone like her who deserves it least -well, words are failing me I'm afraid.
I;m beginning to wish I hadn't got rid of so much stuff then I'd have been able to help her out a bit more. Still her oH's parents are very good and between us we should be able to do enough for them to get by till insurance is sorted and it all gets rectified.
So, at the moment, my life isn't 'simplified'.............my head is cluttered with someone elses troubles that I can't make better and it's so frustrating.
Anyway, mustn't waffle on about it otherwise I'll be in that bloomin' rocking chair going no place.

Tomorrow is another day after all and by then things might look a bit more positive........

ceridwen

Hi Mary

Sorry to hear that. Indeed - one does wonder why bad stuff happens to good people - yep, I know that one well. Maybe Freecycle for instance could be helpful here for your foster daughter?

I guess all you can do in your position right now is be there for her - as in "shoulder to cry on" and perhaps the teensy practical suggestion that she does a file for this "project" (ie the "get the home on the road again" project in this instance).

It's taken a lot of learning in my case - but thats one thing I do now if I realise I am having to start getting involved in something that is likely to be a bit of a "saga" (ie you cant do "one hit and its out - solved"). I make up a folder or file specifically to deal with that one thing - until such time as its solved, "done and dusted", end of story and all that.

To me - right now - I would make up a folder for this incident if I were your foster daughter. Start by putting in the insurance details as the first thing on the file and then put a lined sheet of paper on the top inside for a "diary of events", eg:
1. I phoned insurance company on x date at y time and spoke to Miss Brown and she said ".......".
2. I wrote letter to insurance company on y date about x (see copy in file).

I have found - from long experience of living in Britain - that many things that are relatively simple and quick to deal with have a tendency to turn into an "ongoing project" - as people are late, forget things, do things wrong, etc.
Hence - I now make out a file or folder at the outset in case..... Helps keep track of things so much better than odd scraps of paper that have a tendency to go astray. Further thought - always keep a copy of all letters sent.

Honestly - I cant tell you how many times taking that approach has helped A LOT in getting things sorted in the best way possible. (Not my original idea I hasten to add - you can thank Shirley Conran for that...with her "Superwoman" series of books in the 1970s.). I really can vouch big time for that as an approach to solving problems of the practical nature - I have followed this approach for dealing with some very major stuff and it helps a great deal.

Ohmygod - thinks...hope I havent worried Mary even more thinks me...but just trying to make practical suggestion as to how get this sorted as soon as possible and the "show on the road" again as fast as...

(It gets rather stressful otherwise thinking "Where is that darn phonenumber I am sure I noted down?", "What date was it that x promised they would do y by?").

EDIT: Having done the above - a few drops of "the wet stuff" (as you call it), some deep breaths and some soothing music....Dr ceridwen has prescribed!

mary43

Thanks cerdiwen..............no you haven't worried me at all........very helpful suggestions and I'll pass them on. Mind you, knowing foster girl she will be doing that ayway. Her job is office manager, she;s always been fairly organised in that way. I told her to make a list of every single thing upstairs......right down to the last pair of knickers......anything and everything. Easiest way is to 'mentally' walk around the rooms and try and remember what was there making a note as you go along. That's the way I'd do it anyway. If I write to anyone about some sort of query, mums pension for instance, I keep a copy of my letter and if its been a phone call, make note of when I phone and what was said, date of promised return call etc.
I found this more vital when dealing with Mums stuff as it was not the 'norm' for me to be phoning pension credit folk or care homes. Mums got a folder all her own on my shelf.................I keep every piece of paper that relates to her...you never know what's going to be needed or when.

Writing about these sort of sagas can be quite theraputic as well, especially when you look back at them and see just how you coped at the time.
Many's the time I wish I'd done that.............deaths and divorce for a start, if only to reassure myself that cope I did !

I feel tons better now than I did earlier..........it had really knocked me for six. I haven't heard from her so hopefully she may have got what she needs from her MIL but she knows she only has to call and we''re here for her, either for the shoulder to cry on (we've done that before and she's been there for us) or for anything practical.
OH was beside himself when I told him then he disappeared into the garden and started sorting out pots and baskets for tomatos.........said he felt he had to do something 'positive'. He'd not felt very motivated for a while and I think I must have been dragging him down a bit which spurs me on to get 'on top of myself'. I see my counsellor onThursday then again next week and hopefully that will be it. Having recognised what the issues were I feel more able to deal with them and OH can understand more how I was feeling and why which helps both of us.

Thanks for the kind thoughts and helpful suggestions. They'll definitely be passed on :A

ceridwen

hi Mary

Me again....just raided my bookshelves for this.

When this episode is over - THE books you want to try and reserve for your library to borrow for you are:

- Superwoman in Action
- Superwoman
- Down with Superwoman (The guide for everyone who hates housework)

All of the above are by Shirley Conran.

If I had to name THE most valuable books I have had on my bookshelves for the last 20 odd years it is these. They are now rather dated ...but I have learnt a heck of a lot from them of the "how-tos on dealing with the practical side of life".

EDIT: Just read your last post - well - I've been doing a bit of "teaching my grandmother to suck eggs"...but hope it helps. Best wishes.

ceridwen

xx

mary43

Thanks ceridwen...........I'll make a note of those books........good ones for birthday wish list maybe.
Have just spoken to foster daughter.........our neighbour has gone over with some clothes that will fit her ok (our neighbour is much younger than me.......lol) and now the electricians been and made it safe for them to have electric in the extension of the house......they can boil a kettle -very essential. Insurance chap not going till tomorrow afternoon so I;'ve passed on the 'write it all down' advice and she's promised she'll have her 'admin hat' on.
But for now they're off to the Indian restaurant.........and she was laughiing....well what else can she do really.........and thats a good sign.Means she's coping. Her sister took a load of stuff over, towels and quilts and stuff that were going on ebay so she's all sorted in that area as well.
Puts my mind at rest ............think I might pop over tomorrow with a bunch of flowers for her.............its the sort of thing she's done for me in the past, for no particular reason so its the least I can do for her.
Thanks for your advice.........worth everyone remembering.

ceridwen

Och well....mary...then it sounds like she's "on the road" to getting it sorted. The kettle...well she can do the British panacea for all ills "a nice cup of tea"...Indian restaurant that sounds favourite for dealing with "how to have dinner on the table tonight" bit. Sounds like things are coming together okay. Sounds like she is a "coper".

It'll be okay..it will all work out. She's on the "right road".

mary43

She's definitely a 'coper' - always had to be -I'm sure she'll be fine and I was probably over-reacting when I needn't have done but managed to stop myself getting in the rocking chair..................lol

Oh..........and I can suck eggs even better now.................lol:rotfl:

mary43

At last my kitchen cupboard doors are dry..............only took 5 and a bit days.....................lol
Well, poor little brain is getting all of a clutter again.........this time with price of dental treatment much needed and wondering what the cost will be of having a crown removed (not much left for it to hang on to now the last lot of filling has dropped out!) and having tooth added to my dentures ! Just looked at Health Board and frightened myself witless and a possible cost of £198 !!!!!!!!!:eek: If I have to pay that then I'll just become the 'old hag on the hill' and go toothless............I'm sure I can talk with a good lisp with practise.
Then there's the prospect of gas and electric increases.......just changed my tarriff...............do I/can I change it again so soon ? Or do I buy extra cardigans and one of those big sort of sleeping bags that you can buy to sit in while watching the tele.........????
On top of that I've had a raging headache most of the day.........not surprising with all thats going round in it......combination of ex foster girls fire, endless banging from the builder (thankfully not today) or combination of cheese and chocolate -not in that order - last night. (seems most likely)
Just when I think I've got my head and house in order my brain seems to go into 'overload'...................see my counsellor tomorrow.........maybe she can untangle what feels like a mass of wire wool..............hope so.
Still, on the plus side (and there always is one) OH is feeling much brighter than he has of late (I'm certain its worry about me but he won't admit it), tomatos are planted and even the sun shone briefly.
Must get some paint tomorrow - make a start on Dads old tray. By giving it a new lease of life I might give myself one into the bargain..........:o



(excuse moan but had to have a wee winge)