PLEASE HELP NEED ADVICE

princess23

My husband and I are at our wits end and need some advice. My DD unfortunately had a very hard time at school with bullying, had a long covid like illness which wasn't understood by pupils and teachers alike. Due to this she missed a lot of school which subsequently affected her school grades despite being a exemplary student who was expected to achieve very good grades. To add to this she suffered a sports injury but was too scared to return to school as didn't feel she had the protection from the school itself so spent a large portion of time at home. She managed to achieve a few very good grades, but unfortunately was unable to do the full set of GCES signed for her. Once she had left school and slowly recovered from her illness she started by working a few days a week which subsequently ended up almost becoming full-time. This was not a permanent situation as she had high aspirations for her future. This is where problems unfortunately continued as the bullies carried on their childish behaviour taking the mickey by coming into her workplace and taunting her . Move on ten years and she is still suffering from the effects of the bullying and cannot move on with her life. My husband and I have been as supportive as we can both financially and emotionally but nothing seems to help and she won't see anyone for counselling. We have not taken any board money from her, have given her money to pay for both her education and driving lessons but this was wasted as she could not concentrate on either. She has mentioned about moving away to start a fresh but even this has been in doubt as she feels by moving away the bullies have one. despite saying that there is nothing here for her in terms of career. I have been fortunate to have been left a property elsewhere in the country which I offered for her to say in and we have spent many hundreds of pounds doing it up and making it liveable and comfortable for her. She has said three or four times now that yes she would like to live there but as we get near the moving date there always becomes a hurdle. The problem seems to be now not so much the bullying but because she is not in her mid twenties and not completed her education or driving or has any friends she is so worried about how far behind she is and how other people may perceive this as she said that status is everything today in society . Anyway you could help we would really appreciate.

Savvy_Sue

Maybe - and I say this with great gentleness - it is time for some 'tough love'. I don't mean forcing her out, but insisting that she has to get some help, because you and your husband clearly can't give her what she needs. 

princess23

Savvy_Sue said:

Maybe - and I say this with great gentleness - it is time for some 'tough love'. I don't mean forcing her out, but insisting that she has to get some help, because you and your husband clearly can't give her what she needs. 

Thank you for your reply but despite mentioning this a few times it just leads to arguments and her saying she is not the problem and we don't understand.

Savvy_Sue

That's what I mean by 'tough love'. "No darling, we don't understand. But we know we cannot help you any more than we have, and it seems to us that you need professional help. No-one is saying that you are the problem, but you are the one who has to face these problems, and perhaps someone could help you develop strategies to deal with them." 

Perhaps bargaining: "We will do X when you have done Y."

And if you are giving in 'for a quiet life', then perhaps the quiet life has to end. 

Life is tough. Life is unfair. You can't shield her from that. 

And again, I say this with gentleness. She has choices - yes, they are limited by what has happened in the past, but she has choices for how she deals with her future, and she is in a far more fortunate position than many. 

Savvy_Sue

I have carried on thinking about you: you must feel you are in an impossible situation. 

I think that what you have to bear in mind - you and your husband - is that you cannot change what other people do, what they say, how they react - but you can change what you do, what you say, how you react. 

And if you feel 'stuck', then there's nothing to be lost by you - and your husband - getting some professional advice yourselves - call it counselling, call it advice, call it what you like, but it's about developing strategies which keep you on an even keel and a straight course! You could do worse than start with your GP. 

tacpot12

I think that you have done a very great deal to try to help, and that you need to give yourselves a break. I think that your support for your daughter should be limited to emotional support, and not the financial support you have been providing to date. Life is tough and can be very unfair, and it is heartbreaking as a parent to realise that your child has been scarred by aspects of their life, but there is a point where each person has to learn to live their life, with all its problems and rewards.

The biggest issue you seem to have is that your daughter is looking to you for support, or possibly reassurance, that she is not behind or 'backwards' in some way. You have clearly tried to provide this, but it hasn't worked. In my experience, you are not likely to succeed in the medium term. Sometimes the damage is such that only professionals can fix it relatively quickly. The idea of bargaining with your daughter about getting some professional help does seems more likely to be effective in the long term.

You have probably tried to assure your daughter that if she were to move away this is NOT the bullies having won, but her making a positive choice to do something that would make her life better. I suspect that she is not convinced that it would make her life better, so she is struggling to make this positive choice. A professional might be able to help her. I would recommend that you set a deadline for her to decide if she wants to move to the property you have available, and if not, I would sell it and invest the  money so that you can help your daughter in other ways, e.g. buying a property locally if she feels that staying is the best thing for her. You could also rent it out, and invest the proceeds for all your benefit, but being a landlord is quite stressful at times, and as I said, I think you deserve a break from stress. 

I do hope things work out well for you all. 

princess23

Thank you very much for you replies. We have given her a deadline date and have informed her that the property will be sold. It is upto her now. If she decides to stay living with us we will request some form of board money as up to now this has been wavered despite her working for five years . We have also taken and picked her up from work and this is another avenue we will explore about requesting that she takes up driving lessons and to purchase a car to give her more independence. as the taxi service will stop in 1 years time. hopefully that will be the start of things moving in the right direction we'll see.

princess23

tacpot12 said:

I think that you have done a very great deal to try to help, and that you need to give yourselves a break. I think that your support for your daughter should be limited to emotional support, and not the financial support you have been providing to date. Life is tough and can be very unfair, and it is heartbreaking as a parent to realise that your child has been scarred by aspects of their life, but there is a point where each person has to learn to live their life, with all its problems and rewards.

The biggest issue you seem to have is that your daughter is looking to you for support, or possibly reassurance, that she is not behind or 'backwards' in some way. You have clearly tried to provide this, but it hasn't worked. In my experience, you are not likely to succeed in the medium term. Sometimes the damage is such that only professionals can fix it relatively quickly. The idea of bargaining with your daughter about getting some professional help does seems more likely to be effective in the long term.

You have probably tried to assure your daughter that if she were to move away this is NOT the bullies having won, but her making a positive choice to do something that would make her life better. I suspect that she is not convinced that it would make her life better, so she is struggling to make this positive choice. A professional might be able to help her. I would recommend that you set a deadline for her to decide if she wants to move to the property you have available, and if not, I would sell it and invest the  money so that you can help your daughter in other ways, e.g. buying a property locally if she feels that staying is the best thing for her. You could also rent it out, and invest the proceeds for all your benefit, but being a landlord is quite stressful at times, and as I said, I think you deserve a break from stress. 

I do hope things work out well for you all. 

Thank you for your comments. We have given her a deadline for moving . She has saved a very large amount of money during the five years she has been working which would more than cover a property deposit. Up to now she has not touched it as it is all she has to show for the years she has not lived her life  (she says) so is very reluctant to spend anything but this is about to change.

Savvy_Sue

And how has she responded?