Snug & Sorted: Our Race to Mortgage Freedom

Bluegreen143

I think many people can relate to you Kay, it’s so tough when you’ve a little one and are exhausted! 

What helps me is being brutally honest with myself about all the ways I don’t live up to expectations myself. 

Yes, my DH can be messy and so frustrating at times. But if I’m honest, I frustrate him too. I don’t help with the garden even when it’s important to him. I have a quick temper and a sharp tongue, while he is generally patient and respectful. I know if there’s only one dessert, or seat, or coat, or treat of any kind he will give it to me and go hungry or cold himself. I’m not saying these are your particular faults, but only that we tend to see others’ faults and forget our own. 

I also find that many women add hugely to their mental load (I used to do this) by supervising how their husband does stuff/not actually handing the task over. So if my husband does washing or feeds the kids, I do not care how he does it. I don’t criticise his efforts or give them any of my mental space, I just thank him. If it impacts me - eg I want more vegetables with my meal - I just say “I’d love to have lots of veg with dinner” and let him figure it out. Or I make veg sticks with my lunch to make up for it. So I focus on meeting my own needs and not getting all involved in what he’s up to. 

Hope none of this sounds preachy or annoying. I really relate to everything you’re saying and it’s why I was drawn to comment, because it’s taken me years of motherhood and coparenting to lose the resentment. As always with internet advice - take it with a pinch of salt and I won’t be offended if it doesn’t resonate for you! 

kaycastle

Haha no it definitely resonates, I approach it very similarly and think of all the good he does. I'm very timid so I'm also aware I avoid confrontation so worry that's why it doesn't get across sometimes. 

Also I don't complain or moan at him. But ooh yes the positive persuasion I should definitely try more of. I find giving him a list of things to do works well. And yes I have to think of it but at least he does it without complaints

I washed the tweezers and hob straight after the photos and then a little after I asked him "so were they there to wash up later?" And he just said a cheery "oh yes" and continued with whatever with absolutely no notion that my reaction had been one of quiet annoyance. Honestly how do they not realise???

Bluegreen143

Haha they just don’t see it the same way I don’t think! 

I’ve been experimenting with going heavy on positive persuasion, even going a bit OTT - flirty, batting my eyelashes, OTT appreciation - honestly it actually works really well and makes us both laugh.

Last time I needed the bin taken out, instead of grumbling or nagging I batted my eyelashes and said “ooooh the bin looks heavy, I need a strong man to take it out!”. Now I was obviously being extremely tongue in cheek but it made us both giggle and my DH did take the bin out straight away, and obviously felt good about himself rather than nagged. I’d rather have a light atmosphere between us even if I would have been justified in being annoyed he’d not taken care of the chore yet. 

Or when I do need to nag him a bit I kind of make fun of it and say “I know, nag nag nag, can you do XYZ? (Groan) I don’t know how you put up with all this nagging!” And again if we both get laughing it stops feeling like a major issue. 

However I’m not sure I could have achieved that light atmosphere when my kids were tiny and I was sleep deprived so tbh you’re doing extremely well to complain on here rather than coming down on him! 

I always say, well, we’re only 10 years in, by the time we’ve been married 50 years we will be experts at it 🤣. 

kaycastle

The bin thing made me LOL, I'm definitely going to be demanding my greens in a fun and flirty way today. Although I am back on full duty now.

We've been together the same, I remember the first time I ever sat him down to talk about how much housework and management was down to me all those years ago and the first words he said were "I thought you did it all because you enjoy it..."

I found the stereotypical response so funny I ached with laughter and had to actually go and lay down to calm down. He actually got a bit offended that I laughed at his explanations. But which made me laugh even more. I'm having a nostalgic giggle now and wondering if he asks why I'm laughing whether I should say why 

Bluegreen143

Hahaha that made me giggle too! 

kaycastle

He came in and I grinned and he was like, "whaaa?" And I just said oh I'm just very fond of you.

Think I got away with my secret mocking

beanielou

I think in the main that’s just how men are. At least he’s good at taking instructions. I’d say that is a win! 

kaycastle

Bit of a delay in my daily diary posting.

Chickenpox has struck the house so toddler unwell and sleeping not so great and not accepting put down very easily. I don't think he has it super badly so I'm hoping he will be over it fast, the spots seem to have stopped emerging.

Honestly this week has not felt like a break in the slightest! I'm going to return to work even more exhausted.

I'll post all my updates later tonight once hopefully the toddler is down for the night

South_coast

How is the spending diary coming along? *nudge/friendly encouragement*

I will let you off though if you still have a household of spots 😬!

LadyWithAPlan

South_coast said:

How is the spending diary coming along? *nudge/friendly encouragement*

I will let you off though if you still have a household of spots 😬!

Yes I was wondering that. I calculated all my spending last Sept/Oct/Nov and was shocked at my not hat frugal ways (I was convinced I was doing well..) It was what got me onto doing YNAB as there is no hiding my spending from it...or myself..,

I like the image of you trying to flirt with greens, maybe wave spring onions like a fan or flirtatiously juggle mushrooms?