Zippy Up

PoGee

My adult kids still live at home. They're aged mid - late 20s. Nominal board paid, which I put in accounts in their names. So I pay for everything; I get frowned upon if I dare say  cut the heating down, if the food selection isn't up to their standard...they want ready meals and pizzas etc.
I've found that they, one by one, seem to be annoyed at me for some reason. Turns out they clype on me. As an example - when one was meant to go to the cinema with male mates, I told child 2. Child 2 asks if I'm ok with it. I said 'yes, but would also be nice if child 1 takes up my invitation to go to cinema once in a while'. 
Child 2 tells child 1 about the cinema thing and I get the grumpy behaviour. They tell each other the slightest of things that I say about the other. I'm keeping my mouth zipped from now on. 

Devongardener

Are they working?  It’s time to charge them a realistic amount for rent and general costs. If they want specific foods they should buy their own.  Get tough!

Savvy_Sue

So they pay board, and you put it into accounts in THEIR names? What is the point of that? 

Do they also do any cooking? Did they cook with you when they were younger?

If it's just the three of you at home, I'd have everyone responsible for two evenings each week. You undertake to provide the basics - seasonings, oil etc, you can agree how far that extends, I'd have pasta and sauces. They buy and pay for anything else - whether that's a ready meal or pizza. Twice a week you get to do your thing. 

If they don't like it, let them move out. 

Pollycat

PoGee said:

My adult kids still live at home. They're aged mid - late 20s. Nominal board paid, which I put in accounts in their names. So I pay for everything; I get frowned upon if I dare say  cut the heating down, if the food selection isn't up to their standard...they want ready meals and pizzas etc.
I've found that they, one by one, seem to be annoyed at me for some reason. Turns out they clype on me. As an example - when one was meant to go to the cinema with male mates, I told child 2. Child 2 asks if I'm ok with it. I said 'yes, but would also be nice if child 1 takes up my invitation to go to cinema once in a while'. 
Child 2 tells child 1 about the cinema thing and I get the grumpy behaviour. They tell each other the slightest of things that I say about the other. I'm keeping my mouth zipped from now on. 

Do you want advice or are you just having a vent?

Your children treat you like this because you allow them to.
YOU need to change - if you want things to change.

Spendless

Stop putting money in their accounts and instead use it towards the increased fuel and grocery costs. If they know you put it aside tell them you'll no longer be doing this. If they don't know about it, no reason to tell them.

I'm confused about the cinema story. Your kids are mid-late 20s why would you not be ok with one of them going to the cinema with male mates?  But maybe a rule you should have is not to discuss one of your offspring with another. if it fetches an opinion in.  

RAS

A few things here, as you are doing yourself and the other adults in the house no favours.

Start by getting your facts together.

How much have you spent on maintaining the house over the last few years? Rough average per year?

Add your utility and tax bills? How much per month?

How much are you spending on food, cleaning materials etc, per month.

At the very least, if adults living in your house want to stay there they should be paying their fair share (one third?) of the main bills every month. And contribute their fair share towards actively running the house, cleaning, cooking etc.

If not, they need to find somewhere else to rent and you can declutter and downsize. May be wise to do that now rather then when you get older.

Your adult children are not your mates. If you want to go to the cinema, or the theatre or just for a day out, arrange it with a friend. And just let them know you'll be out as a matter of courtesy.

If they see you living your own life, rather than hoping to rely on them, they may actually be more inclined to participate longer term.

And do not discuss either of them with the other, ever.

Meantime, sit them down, tell them they are going to contribute one portion of the costs of running the house. Not a nice little discussion, just tell them. If they can't be bothered to help clean, etc, that's fine, as they can pay for a cleaner once week. Give them the choice, but they help or pay.

Stop being a doormat, start living your own life, and send those young people out to find their way in the world. 

Just to add that when I shared a house, I refused to recruit people who'd never lived away from home, as they were invariably not housetrained. 

JGreenwood

Pull together a quote for what they need to pay. By the sounds of things you feel guilty about charging them for board. Rather than giving them all their money back into servings, why don't you use some of the money towards bills, and set a percentage to place in their savings.

I think with rising costs and this new mentality of having things now and paying later, young people aren't accumulating savings the same way. I think it's increasingly likely for kids not to leave home until their late 20s, possibly early 30s.

I just think a little more tough love is needed. Don't leave yourself financially disadvantaged.

PoGee

Thanks for replies. I was venting. Re the cinema story, it's a bit delicate. The male pals are of a different culture, which is why child 2 asked. I have no issue but my parents would have. The issue with the food is that child 2 had a serious health scare a year ago, which caused a lot f stress. He won't eat healthy meals, which is what caused the health scare. He's still not right but won't eat healthily and when he stops eating altogether, causing the previous symptoms come back, I give in and buy what he wants. He's always been the same, from an early age. I have explained to them that I would love for them to be in their own houses, which I could help with, by downsizing and giving them each enough for a deposit. Child 1 went back to higher education so I've said I'd wait until the course finishes. Just another year and a half to go
p.s  I've learnt my lesson...no more making comments about one to the other.

Spendless

I get that different cultures can be a minefield to negotiate, but you all live in the UK and your kids aren't minors they're not even only just legally adults. They're mid to late 20s perfectly capable of choosing their own friends and who they socialise with - it's non of their Grandparents business.

If there's a health reason, then you serve up the food that is compatible with that. If Child 2 refuses to eat it then there's nothing you can do, but you don't have to offer anything else. It is then up to them to spend his/her money on something else to eat. 

Child 1 then is at Uni, do they also have a job or are they paying board from their student loan?  

PoGee

Spendless said:

I get that different cultures can be a minefield to negotiate, but you all live in the UK and your kids aren't minors they're not even only just legally adults. They're mid to late 20s perfectly capable of choosing their own friends and who they socialise with - it's non of their Grandparents business.

If there's a health reason, then you serve up the food that is compatible with that. If Child 2 refuses to eat it then there's nothing you can do, but you don't have to offer anything else. It is then up to them to spend his/her money on something else to eat. 

Child 1 then is at Uni, do they also have a job or are they paying board from their student loan?  

I have never had an issue with different cultures, child 2 just assumed that I would have, seeing how the rest of family are. His fussy eating causes me concern which then affects my own health. Fruit wise, it's only expensive berries he'll eat and won't touch veg. I'm making mince and veg tonight so will see how that goes. Pathetic, I know, when it comes to his age. Child 2 - I don't push her too much if she's short some months but she does pay what she can. 

Spendless

PoGee said:

Spendless said:

I get that different cultures can be a minefield to negotiate, but you all live in the UK and your kids aren't minors they're not even only just legally adults. They're mid to late 20s perfectly capable of choosing their own friends and who they socialise with - it's non of their Grandparents business.

If there's a health reason, then you serve up the food that is compatible with that. If Child 2 refuses to eat it then there's nothing you can do, but you don't have to offer anything else. It is then up to them to spend his/her money on something else to eat. 

Child 1 then is at Uni, do they also have a job or are they paying board from their student loan?  

I have never had an issue with different cultures, child 2 just assumed that I would have, seeing how the rest of family are. His fussy eating causes me concern which then affects my own health. Fruit wise, it's only expensive berries he'll eat and won't touch veg. I'm making mince and veg tonight so will see how that goes. Pathetic, I know, when it comes to his age. Child 2 - I don't push her too much if she's short some months but she does pay what she can. 

Are they underlying issues other than fussy eating? Both mine were faddy when young. DS outgrew it, DD didn't and threw being a vegetarian  into the mix as she became a teen. A conversation with her last Autumn made me realise that she struggles with textures, eg she'd eat an apple if cut into slices but whole feels 'wrong' to her as the skin texture as she bites in is different to what lies beneath. I suspect it's all part of a currently undiagnosed issue she has. However she has become better in the last few months as her boyf will order something and tell her to try some of his. She's increasing what she does eat this way.   

I totally understand what you're saying about your own health concerns, I went through this myself when DD started struggling. 

Some ideas for meal times. Yes child is older and you shouldn't 'need' to, but sometimes you've got to take a different path for the desired outcome.
Ok, I was doing this for lots younger children, but when they use to tell me they didn't like x (usually mushrooms!) I would blend the mince ever so slightly just enough to hide the veg. They always ate it.
Fajitas were a family favourite and it's really easy to put various fillings out and let them help themselves, that way you might just get your son to try a mouthful of something else.