Mortgage Free now aiming for FIRE

daisy_1571

From the way you describe her thoughts and feelings it sounds very typical of her style.  It must be hard if you both have different styles.   I've had 3 sort of proposals- can't really remember a specific 'will you marry me' from no 1 or 3.  Just a discussion on the top deck of a bus and a discussion in a car and we emerged from both vehicles engaged.   The middle was a full on, one-knee affair but that was the only one I turned down so in my view its the person, not the 'moment'.  Its the next 50 years that matters and luckily mr daisy is of similar mindset so we've never bothered about the grand gesture or anniversaries etc.   It works for us as we are of the same mindset.  (No 1 marriage only lasted a few years, both too young in hindsight, don't yhink the lack of romance played a part lol).  Just my opinion about me so probably not awfully helpful sorry.

You've been together a good while now so you both must know how you feel about each other and how solid your relationship is.  I think you did the right thing apologising for your quick response since it seemed to upset her.  Hopefully you've sorted it out with her now and you have both put it behind you.  She likes text, you don't, you both know that fact about each other so you have to cut each a bit slack with that aspect. 

I see your idea about your proposal.   As long as it isn't too 'personal' for her.  Thats maybe not the right word.  Do you know what I mean?  With her seemingly more comfortable with emotions slightly at arms length I mean.  You know her best.  The charm sounds like a keepsake she will like if she wants the words as a lasting reminder.  Something personal between you both.  Like you, I'm not hung up on rings.  Mr d stopped wearing his fairly soon after the wedding as he doesn't like wearing jewellery.   I've put weight on over the years so over our 30odd year marriage I've worn maybe 5 different rings I've bought when I've needed a new or bigger one and I see something I like.

Sorry, I'm not sure I've been any help, but you will both sort it out between you as you sound very committed to each other.

Daisy xxxx

TallGirl

Thank you Daisy that is really helpful so good to get others perspectives who kind of "know" us from a far. We have talked about it kind of and I have apologised and she is saying she will not propose again but not say do not propose to me. I think I am in the clear so can now start planning. She does not like big emotions but more specifically in public so the beach idea might not be such a good idea. Our anniversary is on the 19th Feb so that could be an option for giving her the charm when we have our planned meal in the pool bar. A special place to her (she loves the pool bar it is her vision) and it is private. Another option is the 29th Feb where women can propose so that could be fun too. Or wait until we are in Portugal and then when we go to Spain we can share the news with our friends who asked to be witnesses if we needed it. 

Got so much work on and DG has just gone to her one off counselling session so I could get the charm ordered now. I am really looking forward to proposing something new for me. 

I did get a really good quote today during a conversation I think it is a good way to live:

“May your decisions reflect your hopes not your fears” 

TallGirl

Morning just come back from the gym and I went last night too so at least 4 session this week plus golf Sunday so all good. I can really feel it when I have not been and I do need to be better with food or it is just pointless. I have now downloaded this wellness app so I can track my weight via the fance scales at the gym. I did not do it last night but it does also use the data from my garmin so that is fine. 

I just checked my ISA which is with the FA firm I do not really like. It is actually only £866 down since I moved to them that is the lowest it has ever been. I am still waiting for the other firm to come back to me but I have now had the evaluation of my final salary scheme why they needed that is a bit beyond me as no sensible person would cash that in. The value is £90K and the pension is £3800 p.a obviously index linken plus a £12K lump sum and the best news is this is at 60 so not that long. Not bad really for 7 years work at a local authority in a fairly junior role. Mind you had I stayed I would a huge pension now but my work would have been stressful and depressing on the front line so to speak. 

DG is going to court tomorrow so is travelling to stay with friend to make it easier to get there on time tomorrow. She is being paid for it but the firm takes 50% so it is really not worth it but she gets to see her friend and she has not been to court since last Summer so good experience. 

I have got loads of work to do and only 1 meeting today and none tomorrow so should be able to catch up. My line manager does not want me to take on any more projects so that is handy. 

I do have a massive to do list so starting that again sadly:
Updated to do list.
- Await quote for final company for fence
- Find out if it is worth claiming on insurance £375 to pay and obviously the insurance will go up. I have to call them to find out how much. 
- Send email to DK with screenshots
- Finish my knitting project before the next parcel arrives then cancel it. 
 -Paint the front door surround 
-Order hot tub cover cleaner
-Get cleaner for hot tub cover and fit new over cover won at Xmas.  Not cleaned but new cover fitted 
-Sort freezer and label stuff.
-Book trains in Ireland and bus to airport. 
 

LadyWithAPlan

To be blindingly honest  I would not be impressed by being proposed to by text -for me  its lazy and shows absolutely  no effort .. no matter what the communication style is .. buy a flower - think on a moment - make it a special moment in life
I'd have said no as well and dragging both to couples counselling 

I think maybe you both need to work on communication - how each of you likes it - if she doesnt want to understand you want a romantic moment , mark it in an important way eg the Portugal trip  - thats not v  understanding of her -  even if marriage is a part move countries thing - you are making a vow to love and support each other for ever - a vow that you will  both at times find hard but it is a lifetime commitment  

Compromise is a 2 way street and the way to that is understanding each other and giving each other grace - from what you write it seems that is a one way street on this occasion and others  - which will only build resentment in the future - so I'd tackle the hard stuff of getting on the same page now, for the rest of your life.

TallGirl

Thanks LAPlan really value your wise words. I agree it was an "easy" option to do it by text. She did add more into the txt than just Will you marry me but even so. We are both 50+ and have both been engaged before (me also married with all that) so it is not that I long for the romantic moment. I think part of it is also the female  + female thing. It does feel a bit odd.

She is still hinting she is disappointed with my response but we have not discussed it beyond me saying I did not think when I replied and I still said yes. She does have a point that I always criticise what she does (I am crap at getting presents) and she does always make a massive effort to find the perfect present usually an experience. Communications could definitely be better especially the texting I shall be careful with when we are next apart. As we spend 24/7 together it is not that often. She is away at the moment and we have spoken 3 times since she left yesterday evening. We are also planning a lot more 1 on 1 time as we have a hectic social life but not much time just to two of us as gym does not really count and working next to each other does not either. 

I have ordered the pendant with the engraving. Annoyingly I could not use my new customer 10% code as it was engraved but I did use Quidco. Plan is still to pop the question around our anniversary. 

In order financial news I WON £150 on PREMIUM BOND. That is the first time I have won two months in a row. It is a shame the rates go down now.

I really really must crack on with some work I slept badly so only sat at my desk at 10am. Hope you all have a lovely Friday. 

Watty1

congratulations on that win!

TallGirl

I have now spoken to the insurance company again after being on hold for 20 min. My premium will go up but they do not know how much. I can cancel the claim at any point until it is paid out so made a claim. Still not got the final quote in I recon £800 but want to get the last one in. Excess is £375 and it might not even be covered. We shall see my mum insists I should claim. 

I have done some work but no where near enough which is a bit crap I might do some tomorrow as DG is still away. She lost her case in court so a bit upset but the judge was a bit odd and her client can go another route. She still gets paid so that is good. 

I really would prefer not to have to pay out for the wall but lets wait and see. There is always something when you live in a house. Anyway I need to go and get some dinner now. 

Updated to do list.
- Await quote for final company for fence - he will get back to me by Sunday
- Find out if it is worth claiming on insurance £375 to pay and obviously the insurance will go up. I have to call them to find out how much. I have made a claim now
- Send email to DK with screenshots done
- Finish my knitting project before the next parcel arrives then cancel it. 
 -Paint the front door surround 
-Order hot tub cover cleaner
-Get cleaner for hot tub cover and fit new over cover won at Xmas.  Not cleaned but new cover fitted 
-Sort freezer and label stuff.
-Book trains in Ireland and bus to airport. 
 

LadyWithAPlan

Nice PB win!! 

There are some great couples books that can open conversations between you with a view to make a good relationship stronger   eg Love languages  and this here 
We all have very different dynamics and upbringing on romance and partners, and no doubt that might be exacerbated  on occasion when it is not a 'traditional coupling' - not that that matters - love is indeed love and absolutely should be celebrated and shown in all its forms,  but old patterns, our own parents relationship and  childhood stuff, how we were taught to behave  or sometimes not allowed to speak our truth can really play a part in how we all individually  tackle  communication. 

I am sure quality hanging time together can only help. 

TallGirl

Thank you @LadyWithAPlan much appreciated and I have taken a quick look. We are back in the same old same old with DG having a bad game of golf so is now giving up everything and moping around. She has two games this week (she booked them herself) and she now wants to pull out etc. She even went to bed at 8pm last night and slept 12 hours. Obviously she needed it. No gym this morning I have a meeting and my hips are so sore after golf. I did start the game badly then played so well but then complete messed up on the last 9. So annoying. My handicap has gone up too I am now definitely in the squad although the way I am playing I am not sure. 

I did pick up a TooGoodToGo back on Saturday from Tesc@ it was a sushi one. £4 and I got loads it was really nice stuff and a nice treat not to unhealthy either. I would definitely get again but not pay full price. I also got my free Costa before the voucher expired so that was nice too. Then there was a MacDonalds and some raisins, nuts and chocolate and then DG got home so icecream, crumpets etc. Not weight myself for 2 weeks but after Denmark and this weekend I had lost a tiny amount. I do need to crack on or I will have nothing to wear for our golf trip to Portugal and Spain. 

I am feeling a bit down today got so much work to do and not feeling 100%. Feels like it is a delayed January blues. I agreed with a woman I met through that course I did with work before Christmas that I set myself a 12 week goal before we meet next time. It it from a book where you see the year as 12 weeks sets not change everything 1st Jan and then by mid year you think you have lots of time and then get nothing done. I want to start thinking about what I want to achieve in that 12 weeks and start planning. 

I decided not to sign up for the coaching course this time it would help my current job but it would be a lot of my own time and I really do not feel up to that at the moment. I am enjoying being creative so that has to carry on. I have finished my knitting box work (£5) and actually missed not having anything in my hands last night. The next box will arrive soon and then I need to think about if I carry on while I practise to get better or actually buy to make something bigger like a shawl for DG. 

I have also heard back from the insurers they might cover the wall but now I need to send in more pictures and also a quote. I got the final quote and it is double the others. The middle priced one called me and is keen but I messaged him and asked for a written quote for the insurers and he has gone quiet. The expensive one was a recommendation and but I am not sure how keen he is as he took so long to get it to me. Anyway if I haven't heard from the middle quote by tomorrow I will call him otherwise I can send the expensive one to them or get the cheap on to do a written quote. 

Start of a 12 week plan of what I want to achieve:

EDI project at work progressed considerably, actual working model.
Lost 5 kilo
Tracking of gym session, min 4 sessions a week plus golf 
Explored options for IFA and compared prices 
Coving completed 
Front door painting completed 

Right work work work now

savingholmes

I think there are a few things ringing alarm bells on your different communication styles and outlooks. However, you sound like you've been in a long term relationship with her so there are obviously lots of positives too. I think that these kind of communication issues won't improve automatically with marriage - so it would be worth working on them ahead of time. I would not have been happy with a text proposal either. Marriage - and emigrating together - are both huge commitments - and a bit of counselling support on developing a communication style that works for both of you could pay dividends longer term.