Follow the Yellow Brick Road 2023

SandyShores

Thanks debtfreeoneday and LWAP.  Starting to feel like we're wrangling this mortgage in the right direction now.  

Christmas was relaxing in many ways thank you, but Christmas Day meal didn't go without incident.  We coped but I just commented on Watty's thread about not putting yourself in the line of fire.  I know its a struggle to avoid those who snipe, without more drama, but I've finally come to the conclusion life is too short.  We don't see this person often but even that's too much.

I've also just been reading about 'Let them' e.g. Let them judge you; Let them misunderstand you; Let them gossip about you; ignore you; not like you; not speak to you; make you out to be the villain etc.  The hard truth is that they know how much they are hurting you and they just simply don't care.  They did it knowing it could cause them to lose you and they did it anyway.  There will be people that would rather lose you than be honest about what they've done to you.  People that love you care about how they make you feel.  The end.  Let them go. 

You don't need to tell your side of the story.  Let them go. You can still be kind, but do it from the distance they created in their words and actions.  Access to you is a privilege they have proven they can't be trusted with.  Let them go.  Don't let them steal your peace, light, joy and you are in control of that.

I love this, sure I saw it on a Brene Brown video   Let them The End

debtfreeoneday

i like that thought process SS. Hopefully they didn’t detract from you enjoying Christmas too much. 

SandyShores

Thanks @debtfreeoneday, I've just got to stick to it now, which as savingholmes says can be a struggle.  So with this on my thread I should hold myself to account

No, it was a bit of an over-dramatisation, and then all went back to (almost) normal.  This person is a bit of a sniper and I usually just try to ignore it (which isn't easy), but yesterday they blew their cover on a couple of occasions.  Someone commented on it to me, and I then thought back to a similar situation in the summer which someone else had also commented on to me afterwards.  I think people will be understanding now if I say that I have felt uncomfortable and won't be attending x, y, z because I don't want to be in situations where I feel that way.

savingholmes

I like the 'let them' philosophy - but it can be hard in practice still. We all have that innate desire to belong and be accepted. I like Brene's take on that - that we have to belong to ourselves - and that as soon as we belong elsewhere it actually means we have compromised and become less. It's a radical mind shift but interesting...  

SandyShores

I know @savingholmes, I'm still working out how to do it.  But I do think that the people who care about us will accept us anyway, and those that don't never will and aren't worth the effort even if there's the slightest chance they would.  Slightly scary, but I saw this on social media today:

"I used to tolerate a lot because I didn't want to lose people, but now I realise those aren't my people.  Set boundaries."  I also saw this "Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction.  So be kind and take no !!!!!!".  

I just don't want to tolerate bad behaviour, bad energy, bad manners any longer so I am starting to distance myself very gradually.  The difficulty for me is where some of my friends and family want to be around those people and want me there.  But its not my job to make others happy, I need to value my happiness more.

debtfreeoneday

I also think in practice it’s hard when those people are your family and you feel like you have little choice as to say something or distance yourself would make it so hard for others. I’m having to really practice keeping my distance in the same room. 

savingholmes

I literally have a blackboard in a visible place in my house that says things like I deserve to live in peace and my life my vote.

Boundaries are as essential as breathing- i have learned that the hard way.

SandyShores

Just popped into my mortgage account.  £8.61 a day interest now and another month knocked off the end date following this month's OP.  If I get that down by another 2 months that will be 2 years total reduction.

SandyShores

I'd love to know how you get along with distancing yourself in the same room @debtfreeoneday.  It can be excruciating to stay, but can feel like you are putting yourself in the wrong if you leave.  I like your boundary messages @savingholmes, I'm thinking of having a t-shirt printed.  I had a bag printed up the other day and it was only a few quid.

debtfreeoneday

One saving grace is that DH has to suffer me offloading when the day is done - all the niggly things just so they are out of my head and we often end up having a right laugh about it. That helps. I also call them out on their rubbish when they are being an idiot but in a nice way so they know I’ve seen it but can’t really do anything as I’ve said it in a nice way.