Sister's Separation - Advice

carly_8889

I am posting for my sister. I am going to try and remove the emotion as much as I possibly can but it's very difficult for me. Apologies in advance for a long post.

She has just separated from her husband of 9 years. They have been together since she was 18 and they have two very young boys.

Her husband has always been difficult to say the least. Part of this comes in the form of mental health issues which I have sympathy for, some of it is personality disorder and psychopathic tendencies. He is very proud of the high score he gets on psychopath tests. He exerted a very high level of control and power over my sister (who has been very vulnerable at times) from the start and turned her life upside down on multiple occasions. There have also been periods of quiet and calm in amongst this. We (my sister’s family) are very close and have always been as supportive as possible and remained as present as we could be despite the issues caused in the relationship. He never liked this and quite early in the relationship he insisted that they move 4.5 hours away to put a physical distance between us all. She complied and chucked in her entire life up here to do so. I was always aware that in reality what he needed was a financial meal ticket as opposed to a partner he actually loved and respected. But anyway, here we are.

Since she became a mother she has changed a lot for the better. She is a wonderful mother and she thrives at it. She can’t be as easily controlled, she has built self-esteem, the boys are her absolute priority and take higher precedent than her husband does. He doesn’t like it. After the birth of their first son he went completely off the rails and declared he didn’t want to be a husband and a father anymore. She ended up moving back up to us for quite a long period of time until he realised that he couldn’t actually function without her, financially or otherwise, and asked her to go back. She complied again but more as an attempt to keep the family together.

As their first son grew up and developed things seemed to settle, her husband seemed to enjoy being part of their lives again as his son was more interesting to interact with. 

Since their second son was born last year he has become even worse than he was the first time around. But my sister was ready for it this time, and things finally came to a head about a month ago when she told him that she had had enough of being his emotional punchbag every day and that the marriage was over. He didn’t fight for the marriage, not that I think she wanted that. It’s clearly a mutual feeling, he wasn't bothered about it really at all.

Despite the distance, she has had no intention of moving back here. After years and years of misery and isolation she finally has a job that she loves, has made some good friends, her eldest has only just started school and they own their home. She wants to support keeping her husband in the boys’ lives and keep the children as settled as possible. She has been desperate to keep things civil. She wants for them all to still be able to go for family dinners and for the boys to be ok through this. Our own parents’ divorce was pretty brutal and she knows what she doesn’t want from this.

She didn’t ask him to leave, he moved down to the sofa but they both agreed it would be nice for him to stay for Christmas still so that the boys wouldn’t miss him. He agreed to move out once Christmas had passed. My sister said that she would do anything she could to help him find somewhere to go so that he wouldn’t be with his parents for too long. He has family nearby so has somewhere to go whereas my sister doesn’t have anyone.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned me in tears. They had both begun the “admin” process of separating. My sister removed him from her Universal Credit claim (she works part time and only claims what she is entitled to – she is straight as an arrow and always has been). On the other hand her husband then clearly went away, had a meltdown about money and launched a massive verbal attack on her while in the house about how she is selfish and she is ok financially as part of this and he isn’t. She was terrified and asked him to leave. He refused until she went out into the street and said she was going to a neighbour for help. This was all in front of the boys which is the complete opposite of how my sister hoped this would go.

As part of this my sister has finally started being more honest with me. I still don’t think I know even the half of it. Her husband is screwed because he hasn’t been declaring a single penny of his self-employed income for 6 years. He also has credit card debt up to his eyeballs and forced her to take some of it on in her name. She put up a fight for a long time but he bullied her until she gave up. He also doesn’t contribute to the joint account, she has been paying everything by herself including the mortgage, even while she was on maternity leave. She is terrified of having this debt against her name going forwards. He has been sending her the money for the minimum payments but since the separation he has been very difficult to speak to about money and will just not respond. He won’t move any of his direct debits to his bank account. She has also admitted that his behaviour since their first son was born has become increasingly aggressive and threatening. She has been forced to lock herself in rooms to hide from him on occasion. I had no idea things were this bad.

Ultimately as a result of this argument a couple of weeks ago he packed his bags and left before Christmas. He has become nastier and nastier, and has now demanded:

-          50% custody of the boys

-          The sale of the family home and 50% of the equity

-          She cannot move away from the county and if he has to go into private rent then so should she. She can’t afford this, she made it clear to him from the offset that if he insists on selling the property she will have no choice financially but to move back up to here with the boys to live with my mother.

He only wants some custody of the children for financial reasons so he can claim them on Universal Credit. He is completely inept as a father and borderline bullies their eldest son which is one of the many reasons why my sister has finally had enough. He resents any kind of sacrifice for the boys, he currently looks after their youngest while my sister works (she is trying to find alternative childcare so that she doesn’t have to rely on him for this – he has also requested this) and he can barely cope with one child for 6 hours at a time.

He has no legitimate job so no landlord will give him the time of day, but he blames my sister for his position. He is also now saying that he won’t give her money for his credit card debt until she agrees to his terms. She is beyond devastated and scared.

I know there are lots of people on here who have experience and knowledge of all sorts of different situations. I guess really the question is, what can she do? Does she have to abide by his requests? Is this type of blackmail acceptable? She suspected that the property would prove too big a financial temptation for him as he is in a dire situation financially but she really cannot private rent where she lives. It’s a holiday town, the few properties that aren’t Air BnB are insanely expensive. Their house isn’t worth a crazy amount but it’s still an asset that he wants to sell off for his benefit, and to hell with everyone else including his children.

If you’re still reading, thank you for your patience. Any advice and suggestions welcome. I don't want to give her bad advice that is based in the deep rage that I feel towards him.

Savvy_Sue

Women's Aid: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

They will have vast experience of this kind of situation. 

littlegreenparrot

No, she does not need to abide by his requests. I know she wanted to keep it civil but he clearly won't allow that so he can get lost. 

She needs proper legal advice. I'd try Citizens advice, get some recommendations for a solicitor. She is not responsible for him. 
There are also charities that specialise in advice for this kind of thing, try Women's Aid. There may also be some local resources. 

Given the aggression and the escalation I would not leave the children with him. Friends, neighbours, a babysitter. She should tell the school (if relevant for the older one) that Father should not be allowed to take child. 

She should also put away somewhere safe and accessible any key paperwork, passports/birth certificates etc. along with a few things in a bag. So that if she needs to just get out of the house she can, and think about who to phone/ go to if she has to. 
Hopefully it will not come to that, but better to have a plan and not need it. 

It's easier said than done but she shouldn't let him bully her. Mediation or a court can sort out the finances. 
Can you or another family member go for a day or two to support?

carly_8889

Thank you both.

It's a relief to know I'm not being nuts in thinking this is so awful.

I will definitely highlight Women's Aid to her. A mediator would be good, but I'm conscious anything agreed isn't legally binding. It depends what day you catch him on a lot of the time.

My mum is going down next week and I'll be going down the week after. She isn't alone and he needs to realise that too.

What a nightmare. Thank you again.

RAS

Obviously you don't know the full details but this could be financial abuse (as part of domestic violence it doesn't need to involve bruises just fear) and coercive control which includes two occasions when fear was generated. Forcing her to take debt is a primary example of financial abuse.

Your sister needs to speak to Women's Aid who run the Domestic Violence Help Line. She can text or email if she doesn't want to risk work or the children hearing.

She needs to get important documents and records out of the house and consider scanning or photographing them and emailing them to herself or someone she trusts.

Do check on use of Siri and Alexa, as well. And whether he has access to the computer and bank accounts.

Women's Aid can advise whether to report coercive control, as this might also facilitate restrictions on his access to your sister and the children.

And she needs a lawyer at some point. 50/50 is the starting point but with 2 small children and forced debt, she may get more. The down side is that he has no visible income and debts.

And get her a second phone and PAYG contract she can keep elsewhere.

Finally, it is legally impossible to force him to pay the debts she's incurred at his behest, but she get them taken into account as part of a settlement. Save any texts admitting liability and evidence of payment

carly_8889

Thank you. I've written all these bits down and have sent them to her. She is going to speak to Women's Aid again and book an appointment with CAB. She has already started compiling texts and messages where he acknowledges his debt and recording the payment he has made to her.

I had really hoped that his fear of being found out by HMRC for not declaring his income for such a long period of time would have been an incentive for him to cooperate and behave himself. My sister hadn't asked for any maintenance and has no intention of doing so. She just wants him to do the right thing by the boys. Sadly I don't think he would know the right thing if it poked him in the eyeballs.

elsien

How much equity is there in the property? I’m guessing she doesn’t earn enough on paper to be able to buy him out? 

Savvy_Sue

You say she's working: a good employer would be very supportive in this kind of situation, and may even have a policy. At a minimum, they should know that if he comes to the workplace, she needs to be told discreetly and without having to face him.

carly_8889

I think the property is worth about 180k with the mortgage being just shy of 100k. I'm not sure what he is entitled to but I'm sure if it became desperate we could club together to get rid of the guy if money is truly all he wants. She is going to see a solicitor this week.

She has a great employer, they're lovely and very supportive. They don't know a lot but they know she is having a tough time and have been flexible when they can be.

It's just awful. They haven't spoken since she returned home but she is just waiting for the next session of rage.

tightauldgit

Putting aside the behaviour which may or may not amount to abuse (I'm not making a judgement on that here) then the 'demands' don't really seem all that unreasonable as a starting point for the break down of a marriage. Bear in mind that a divorce settlement isn't supposed to be a reward/punishment for good/bad behaviour but just a legal separation of marital debts and assets. Assuming they are married which I think you said they were. 

With regards the kids, it'll ultimately be up to a court to decide what's in their best interests but he does have parental rights and responsibilities and unless you can convince someone that he's unfit or that the kids would be better off not seeing him then he's probably going to get some custody - if not the 50/50 split that he's looking for. Equally it probably means that relocating is going to be more difficult if not impossible. You'd have to get a court to agree to that arrangement.

With regards the finances, bear in mind that assets and debts are generally assumed to be split 50/50 as a start point. It doesn't matter about who has their name on the paperwork - it's all part of the marital pot until shown to be otherwise. And it doesn't generally matter whether or not he contributed - after all it's not unusual for one partner in a marriage to stay at home and not earn while the other has the financial burden. 

Bear in mind that no matter his behaviour it's very unlikely a court is going to say that he deserves to leave with nothing and be put on the streets and carry all the debt while the other partner continues to live in the marital home etc. So he's probably going to have to get at least some money in order to be able to rehouse himself and set himself up - especially if he does get some custody of the kids. 

So where does that realistically leave the situation? And what does some kind of sensible financial settlement look like? 

The discussion of abusive behaviour certainly will be taken into account and any settlement may well be adjusted to account for it but it can sometimes be difficult to demonstrate especially when it comes to debts etc and can probably be complicated by the mental health issues (i'm not sure if your sister was aware of these when she entered the relationship?) 

It certainly sounds like a messy situation and as much as I can sympathise with your sister I think the reality is that the outcome of this is going to be a complicated one.

TBagpuss

No, she doesn't ned to abde by his demens. Utimately, if they are not able to agree, then she will be able to ask a court to make deicsions.

In relation tothe children, the decision is made based on what is in the childnre's bests interts, not on 'fiarness' between the parents.

In repsect of finacial issues, the decision is based on what is fair and reasonable in all the circumstnaces, taking into account thngs such as both parties needs, the needs of the children, the parties respectic incomes and earning capacities etc.

She should get some proer advice, his beahviou may amount to finaccail and/or emotional abuse, and it may be possible for her to get an injunction order to force him to leave,particualrly if his beahviour gets worse.

She should also look urgently at her finacial postion. Open a newbank bank accountin her sole name with a bank which isnt part of the same group as any joint accounts, get her pay and beneits paid into that account, transfer acorss her won DDs and standing orders. Then see whether he will cooperate to close the joint account and if not, consider freezing it espeacially if she is worried it willgo into overdraft, either becaue he has DD gping out, because he stops paying in, or becasuse he withdraws funds.

If the account is frozen nothing can go in or ot, so if she needs to go down that route then she should try to time it so it isn't just when regualr payments are due, and she shoud withdraw any balance bfofre freezing it (she can then either pay 50% of the balance to him, or use it to make a payment to the mortgage or another debt)

She will be liable (as in, the company to whom the debt is owed can claim it from her) for debts where she is on the contract or the debt is in her name or joint names, so far as the third party organisation is concerned. Debts in his sole name can't be claimed from her by the creditor even if they have been being paid from a joint account or an account in her name, however they may be relevant within the financial part of the divorce, that would depend on a lot of factors including why the money was borrowed. A court oesn't have the power to alter the contract with a thrd party, so a credit card or other debtin her name can't be trasnferred to him, even if he incurred the original debt, but the court can take into account how he debt was built up, when deciding what is a fair settlement, so they could (for instnace) give her a bigger share of the equity, or direct that debts be paid from the sale proceeds  of the house before these are divided, if appropriate. 

She will ned to look into whether she is likely to be able to afford to stay in the house - can she pay the mortgage and all of the outgoings from her income, taking into account any debts in her sole name? and also look at what morggge capacity she would have in her own right. Unfortunately if they have late or missed payments on any debt in her name or joint names this will affect her borrwoing capacity even after they divorce, and while they have any accounts in joint names they will be 'linked' for the pusposes of credit checks etc.

While it would be understandable for her to want to stay in the house she may also want to think about whether that's likely to be beneficial in the medim to longer term, especially if he is controlling or possesive , she might find it better to try to make a new start elsewhere. 

She may find it helpful to look into whther she might be able to get a shared ownership property which can make buying somewhere more affordable, espeacially for someone in receipt of UC or other benefits, as the rental element may till attract help through benefits