Sister's Separation - Advice

Brie

It was unclear to me whether there was a joint account or not.  And if it was a joint account or her account that his DDs were being paid from.

If it's her account and not joint then as others have said - get a new account with a different banking group and get all her stuff shifted there and then simply close her account.  That will trigger his DDs bouncing so it's crucial that opening a new account and closing her old one are separate actions - not a switch.  

If it's a joint account she should go into the branch and ask to talk to someone as a matter of urgency due to financial abuse.  Explain that she needs to come off the account due to her domestic situation.  Bank staff may find this difficult to do or say it's not possible if they are not familiar with guidance from the last couple of years so do ensure that names, dates, times etc are noted for any meetings (successful or otherwise) in case they are needed for a complaint in the future.  And open a new bank account as noted above.

Be sure that she changes all passwords for all accounts she uses - banks, utilities, UC, whatever so he can't access them.  Tell her not to use the common things like pet names that he might know and therefore be able to guess.  3 random words are great or the address of her best friend when she was 10. (unlikely to be guessable)

Close any credit card account she took out for him.  Or at least cancel his associate card to access it.  

If there is a any employee benefits that he might be eligible to they should be cancelled as well where possible.  This includes taking his name off as beneficiary to any occupational pension scheme etc.  If she has been paying for anything - gym, car lease, etc - through work many of these things can be stopped mid flow where there is a major life event - such as separation/divorce.

DE_612183

What are "his" direct debits for?
Cancelling these or stopping them may have a detrimental effect on your sister / children as well...

Kim_kim

carly_8889 said:

Thank you. I've written all these bits down and have sent them to her. She is going to speak to Women's Aid again and book an appointment with CAB. She has already started compiling texts and messages where he acknowledges his debt and recording the payment he has made to her.

I had really hoped that his fear of being found out by HMRC for not declaring his income for such a long period of time would have been an incentive for him to cooperate and behave himself. My sister hadn't asked for any maintenance and has no intention of doing so. She just wants him to do the right thing by the boys. Sadly I don't think he would know the right thing if it poked him in the eyeballs.

I’m not trying to frighten you here, but you said she was claiming tax credits while with him.  Was that a claim based on his hidden undeclared income?  If so they could have been getting tax credits they weren’t entitled to.  That might be his threat if he is uncovered, to bring her into his fraud.  

PoGee

Your sister needs to stay strong and contact Women's Aid. I was in your sister's situation some 25 years ago. They got me in contact with a good solicitor who told me that the Passport Office has an 'at risk of abduction' register. The solicitor wrote a letter explaining the threats made by my ex regarding the children, which I took to the passport office. If he had attempted to take them out of the country, an alert would be flagged up. I then just had to write in myself every year, asking for my kids to remain on the register until a certain age. They also said it was important that the kids were not on his passport. I hope your sister gets advice from Women's Aid.

carly_8889

Hello all, sorry I disappeared for a while but it has been a pretty bonkers couple of months! I can't believe that's all it has been since this all started.

Thank you so much for all your continued advice. I'll try and go back to cover any questions off. Unfortunately after my post things continued to get worse and worse to the point where he kept entering the property, refusing to leave and threatening her. The police were called but of course there's nothing they can do as his name is on the property. However she did get some great advice from Women's Aid and fortunately since then things have calmed down, at least as much as they can given the circumstances. His behaviour was the only thing that was really making her feel she couldn't stay down there but now things are a bit more civil she is back to trying to stick it out down there for the boys. At the time we did actually help her prepare an injunction to stop him coming in the home (not relating to access to the boys, just to hopefully give the police some power to protect her if she needed it). Sadly she was too scared to file it. But it's there and ready if something changes.

He is still being very difficult, but that was to be expected. He used to look after their youngest son the 3 days a week that she works but he has now refused to do this. Between us we are covering childcare where we can to help her keep her job, not an easy feat given the distance. But she has managed to secure a place at a nursery from April. She doesn't love the setting, but she hasn't been left with much of a choice. His justification for withdrawing childcare was his sudden need to have to get a full time job Monday to Friday. Fine. He has since gone out and got an evening and weekends pub job...so he could help, just chooses not to. But it's better this way as the more control he has the more difficult things are. The only shame is that this is really his opportunity to spend some time with his youngest son, but we can't force him.

Their direct debits were all coming out of a joint account. All her stuff is sorted and transferred to a new account. So, his direct debits are his mobile phone, car insurance and tax. That's literally it. She has moved everything else away but is still having to chase him to take these over. Of course that is still on top of the credit card debt that is still sat in his name. But everything else is related to the home and she has been paying that alone for years anyway. Cancelling them wouldn't do her any damage, but she is too scared to do anything that may cause another flare up in his behaviour.

I asked her about the tax credits, she said that the claim was based on him being self-employed and he used to go on there and input his income on a monthly basis? I've never claimed UC so have no idea how it works. I've no idea how he has got away with it all for this long, it's pretty shocking. My hope is that he will be willing to negotiate a financial settlement out of court as surely the last thing he wants is a forensic analysis of his bank accounts...

Her main focus at the moment is trying to get some routine and structure back into the boys' lives, predominantly for their eldest son. It's hard but she is trying. She has had a meeting with a solicitor and now feels much more comfortable that he can't force her to sell the home. We are working on how to buy him out and get him off the property, it won't be the 50 50 he is expecting but it will be more than fair considering she wont be taking a penny of him and is currently saddled with his debt. She is also seeing a mortgage broker soon to determine what her borrowing capacity is alone but we don't expect any miracles here.

Anyway, I think that is everything at the moment.