Son in college - hassles

[Deleted User]

Its all a bit of a mess......
Son has Aspergers. Really struggled over the years but did really well  and got into college. Started in Sep, moved into halls with his GF and a few friends. Brilliant all going well.

Signed a lease 1st decemeber for a house next year with a few friends inc his GF. Now they've split up - apparently shes gone off with someone else. Ive told him to let it go but hes had threats from this other guy now.

Not best pleased, I get it people split up, but shes stayed at house pretty much 50% of the time, we've fed her in the past, bought her things and treated her like a daughter. To cheat like this when they've been together so long is unforgivable.

BUT it is what it is. I'm just so upset that he was doing so well.

Got to think practically now. They live in the same flat at college thats going to be awkward. Shes got lots of his possessions in her room. Hes bailed her out with money in the past but I think that's gone. Hes got a car and used to drive her home etc - she better get used to the bus now because shes had that.

There this possible hassle now when this new guy comes around. Hopefully son will calm it.
Of course the big one is the 12 month leave from July 2023 they signed. Can't see them living in the same house. Personally, shes just so flakey already talking about how hard college is. Im hoping she'll just leave now and solve the problem maybe.

Its a complete mess. My priority obviously is my son, and making sure he stays on track with his life and how hes done so well to get back to where he is,

Any practical advice from anyone whos had the same with their kids?

Spendless

Hi, I do feel for you. After daughter didn't have a great time at school for the last 18 months (now older it's suspected that she has undiagnosed ADHD) she started up a 2 year  relationship with a lad who was (or rather appeared to be) charming, well mannered and polite. I encouraged, enabled and supported him. What I wasn't aware of was that he was a liar, a cheat and only many months after they'd split when he hurt her with untrue accusations and had left her a psychological mess, did she recognise she'd been in a emotionally abusive relationship with him. A friend has observed to me that you should treat young teenage/YA offspring's  boy/girlfriend as though you are fostering a cat. We've kept our distance with her latest relationship but that's been a lot easier because he lives in the county where she now studies over 150 miles away rather than nearby.

Deal with the practicals first. When the EA/Letting Agent opens back up, probably tomorrow (Tues) then see how much tied in your son is to the new student property. He might be able to get out of it, you might not lose too much money or any at all if they can find someone to take his place. You need to establish what the situation is. If it's feasible for your son to drop out of this house then how likely is it he would find someone to share another place with. Look into that at the same time, you're looking to see if he can come out of the recent sign up.

As for the emotional stuff all you can do is be there for them and offer a distraction if you can on any 'trigger dates'  of their relationship. 

Longer term, most people don't end up with their teenage/first love and time will reduce the current overwhelming hurt feelings. 

tooldle

I would not do anything. A lot of water will flow under the bridge between now and July (when the rental comes into effect). What seems a problem now will likely look very different in six months time. 

As uncomfortable as things may feel right now, this is life, and this kind of thing happens to many. Best to let both young adults learn how to deal with the breakdown of their relationship. 

KxMx

I don't have children but I do have a brother with learning difficulties. I have some understanding.

If you automatically go into "sort everything out mode" then neither you or your son will be able to figure out where his capacity lies, which things he is capable of without parental input and which things he genuinely needs support for.
Ending up doing everything for him does him no good and you no good.

My brother is in my opinion more capable than other hovering relatives give him credit for. It is hard to know how correct my opinion is because the other relatives do so much for him. 
He does come to me occasionally for advice if he isn't sure of something. Otherwise, I leave him alone. 

I got really attached to my brothers first girlfriend and very hurt when they split - now I'm polite and interested but generally hold myself back affection wise. 

RAS

The best thing would be to encourage your son to speak to University welfare, rather than fretting yourself.

They may manage the accommodation, they may be able to support him in getting his stuff back and it may be that one or other of the exs would like to move into an alternative flat? Or they can help him with the legals.

JReacher1

I am unsure why the new guy is threatening your son unless your son is acting inappropriately to his ex girlfriend. Is he bothering her? Maybe best to advise your son to leave his ex alone for a few weeks to let things calm down. 

theoretica

It does seem like a good solution would be if the ex girlfriend did drop out and leave - if that happens in a little while would he then regret giving up his place in the house?  I guess it would be worth working out the implications of changing arrangements now compared to changing arrangements later on.

[Deleted User]

theoretica said:

It does seem like a good solution would be if the ex girlfriend did drop out and leave - if that happens in a little while would he then regret giving up his place in the house?  I guess it would be worth working out the implications of changing arrangements now compared to changing arrangements later on.

that would be ideal!

DE_612183

My daughter had issues  with a house before moving in - the time between agreeing a rental and actually moving in is so long!

She managed to advertise her "room" via Facebook and with the Uni and got someone to take her place.

My not be for your son if he's friends with the other people in the flat to be - but it's an option.

[Deleted User]

Well, hes back in college. Yet to bump into his ex yet but that'll be soon when she comes back in a week or so.

The house rental I've got the estate agent hassling me to be guarantor. As far as son is concerned its still going ahead....

Like someone said, long time till july.

Spendless

[Deleted User] said:

Well, hes back in college. Yet to bump into his ex yet but that'll be soon when she comes back in a week or so.

The house rental I've got the estate agent hassling me to be guarantor. As far as son is concerned its still going ahead....

Like someone said, long time till july.

What happens if you or anyone else refuses to be guarantor? Does you son lose the place by 'default'?