Find the SecondStar and soar, and then straight on till the morning…

SecondStar

No one has to read this post - I’m feeling sulky and petulant!



I feel like I’ve not been doing well with March so far.

I got rejected from a job I applied for, without even being offered an interview. I wouldn’t have taken it - it was 60 hours, and would’ve been inflexible, brutal, and completely impossible to cope with my caring responsibilities for my pets. But it was in my field of fashion and textiles - a field I’ve a 1:1 in, a field that I’m very good in and passionate about, a field in which I’d like to make a living one day, a field which is practically impossible to find paid employment in.

Even knowing I wouldn’t have taken it, I was convinced I’d at least get an interview, if not an offer. My ego took a serious battering, and I’m feeling very sullen about the whole thing.



I spent over £20 on 11 balls of yarn, with the idea to make 10 new items to offer for sale at the first event at the end of the month. I’ve made 1 item, and then spent the rest of my time engrossed in a novel. Admittedly, I’ve felt increasingly burnt out these past few weeks, and it’s been a very long time since I’ve been caught up in any new fiction, but it still feels like I’m ‘wasting’ time. I can’t read and craft at the same time, and the show that I had been binge watching while I worked has gotten to the seasons which I can’t tolerate because they’re so unlikeable, and so I don’t have anything to watch right now. I’m feeling like I ‘wasted’ that money in yarn, if I’m not using the yarn right now. Which I know makes no sense, but I told you I was feeling petulant!



I impulse bought a bucket on eBay for £15. Yeah, you read that right. I have no defence - it’s a large, beautifully aged, wooden bucket, with a handle. The sort of thing you’d imagine a pair of children carrying to the well to fill with water, or used for dyeing clothes or yarn. Which funnily enough, is what it’ll be used for - as an interesting prop in reenactment. But still, not needed. My partner has offered to buy it off me when it arrives - he actually runs a props hire business, and could use it. Regardless, it was a highly unnecessary impulse purchase, and I’ll be taking everything off my eBay watch list again so as not to be tempted.



This is about hair dye, feel free to skip.
TLDR: My hair has ended up a nasty colour.

I’ve had blue hair for a year now - those of you who know, know. I’ve had blue hair before, it is notoriously difficult to get rid of. I lightened it as much as I could with bleach baths, and thought it would be light enough to go over with a natural ginger shade (red cancels out blue). It was not light enough - I’ve ended up with 3 inches of shocking orange routes, and then lengths and ends which are a swampy green colour. I am unsurprised, and incredibly annoyed at myself. As I said, I’ve had blue hair before, I know how this goes. I’m annoyed because I spent £20 on dye which I should’ve known wouldn’t cover properly, but I wanted to *try*, rather than just go straight in with a dark red-brown.

Now I have to try and correct it tomorrow, which will be another £20 on dye, and pray that it’ll go over the orange. Or else spend £40 to get colour stripper as well, to first remove the orange, and then dye again in a darker shade. My hair is naturally wavy with curls, and it’s getting *so* dry and frizzy between the bleach baths and the colorants. It took me all day to get to the stage, and I’m feeling very demoralised.

I wanted to change from blue to a natural shade for the upcoming season, and we have a get together this Saturday. I simply cannot show up with bad hair, I’d die of embarrassment.



So that’s 3 things I feel I’ve wasted money on, with more anticipated spends to fix my awful hair, and it’s only the 7th.



I am looking forward to the weekend, minus the hair problem. Saturday will be in kit, which is my favourite. And my partner is staying over on Saturday evening, and we’re going to a museum on Sunday which will be lovely.

I’m just so tired and burnt out right now. We have St Patrick’s day off work in a couple of weeks which will be a relief, and then I’ve booked the last week in March off too. By then I’ll definitely be skint, so I’ll sit down and make a list of free things to occupy me for the week. 

SecondStar

Hello everyone!

Feeling a little better - last weekend was great, the event on Saturday went really well and I got to know a few members a little better which was lovely. My partner and I had such a fun day on Sunday too, it rained all day but we still really enjoyed ourselves. It’s important to me to have a partner who I can play with, and have fun with, and it makes me happy that we can do that together.


I managed to make my hair a bit more liveable, though the ends are still murky and not what I want. I’m trying to keep my cool about it and properly think through my next steps, rather than just rush in and spend more money on it. It’ll keep for now.


I have an interview! It’s for a (very) part time position, just on bank holidays and certain weekends, which would be ideal as I have those days off from my main employment. It’d only be for about £150 / month, but it’d be most welcome. Please cross fingers for me, as it’d be such a fun role, and the money would be a much needed supplement to my regular income.


I’m slowly coming to terms with the reality that I may not be able to travel for the all-weekend events this year. The local events with our group are one thing - they’re only an hour away from my home, and I can travel back and forth for my pets - but the away gigs would mean that Ikd have to ask a friend to care for my cat & rabbit, and would have to put my dog in kennels for the weekend. 

He was kennelled for a few days last summer for my friend’s wedding, and while he coped I was very stressed. Now, he’s on even more medication, and obviously a year older. I am loathe to give his care over to someone else, even professionals. Not to mention that I can’t really afford the cost - to kennel for a weekend will be at least £100, and I don’t know if I can justify it.

I’ve not mentioned this to my partner yet. The idea had been for us both to travel and stay at the away gigs together - they’re fun events, as well as vitally important trading opportunities to make big £££. They’re the selling highlight of the year for my self-employed partner, so it’s important that he attends. I would love to go along, but I just don’t think it’s the most sensible decision for all the above reasons.


I’m sooo looking forward to having next Monday off, and then my week off at the end of March. My house needs a good deep clean, and I’m excited to not have to set any alarms!

vampirotoothus

Hi SecondStar, do you have any friends that could stay at yours and look after the animals? Just putiit in a group WhatsApp and ask. Someone (or two friends together) may be very grateful to have a free change of scene, I know I would be. Good luck V x

SecondStar

vampirotoothus said:

Hi SecondStar, do you have any friends that could stay at yours and look after the animals? Just putiit in a group WhatsApp and ask. Someone (or two friends together) may be very grateful to have a free change of scene, I know I would be. Good luck V x

Unfortunately not, the only friend who would be available to do so is not one I would trust to be able to take care of my dog - she’s lovely, but inexperienced.

I know that when I tell my partner, he will suggest that my dog could stay with his parents. They are very experienced, but they have 4 other dogs, and the household is incredibly rambunctious. My boy has never been in a pack environment, and I know it would be too overwhelming and too rough and tumble for him.

I know that I treat him like glass wrapped in cotton wool, but that is the reason that he is still in comparatively good health - I very strictly maintain and monitor his environment & exercise.

Add to that the fact that he is my first and only dog, and has been with me for 13 years since I moved to this part of the country. He has been with me through a marriage, a separation, a divorce, 5 house moves, 4 boyfriends, the loss of 2 cats and 3 rabbits, the devastating loss of my mum, and escaping an abusive relationship. Needless to say, he is more than just a dog to me! He is my family, and I really don’t think I’m comfortable with leaving him in his later years, and with his additional needs.



I worry about my boy just as much as I worry about money, in equal and completely opposite ways.

I worry that I won’t be able to afford all that he needs to remain comfortable, whilst still paying my bills. I worry about paying my bills, and then feel guilty because I wouldn’t spare a penny if he needed something. I worry about the possibility of something terrible and expensive happening - to him, to my home, to my car, to myself - and ending up in debt, or with no savings left.

I worry about the fact that even with a pared down budget, there are still unexpected expenses that are putting me into the red.

Mostly, I’m sick to death of worrying! I’m having a bad case of the ‘shoulda woulda coulda’s tonight, which never does anyone any good. I must remind myself of my blessings, just how far I’ve come in life, and all that I am grateful for; rather than wallowing and feeling sorry for myself.

SecondStar

Aaaand the hole in my living room ceiling is dripping again.

It’s been raining since 11, and the hole started to drip at around 5. On and off for about an hour, and seems to have stopped now along with the rain. I’d hoped that our temporary fix had done the job, but I suppose it must need looked at properly.

A cursory Google and flick through YouTube videos shows that torn or rotten roof felt should really be replaced from the outside, by removing the tiles. Given that my partner also reported a seemingly rotten baton, I’d say it’s probably best to get someone in to look at it before it gets any worse. We can certainly sort out replacing the insulation & the plasterboard on the inside, but I’d say the roof itself may need a professional.

A friend of mine has a fiancé who works in trade, and may know of a few recommended roofers. I’m hoping the repair wont be more than a few hundred.



I still need to order my exhaust - that’ll be about £200 - and hope that my partner’s brother is available to fit it for me. Then stick it through the MOT and pray.



I was at the vets yesterday with my cat & dog for their monthly arthritis injections. It seems as though my dog may need a dental in the near future. The cost of that doesn’t concern me - if it’s treatment he needs then he’ll get it - but the risk of general anaesthetic in a 13 year old dog with a heart condition is worrying.



Yesterday I was only in the office for 2 hours, and realised I just…couldn’t. So I took the rest of the day on annual leave, came home at midday, had lunch, and then took a 3 hour nap, plus sleeping for 10 hours last night.

I’ve not needed to take a nap like that for over a year. I’ve not felt this stressed and burnt out for over a year. It doesn’t take an educated guess to say that it’s likely the result of how much attention I’ve been paying to my finances since the new year.

I know it’s necessary, and I know that it needed to be dealt with. I know that knowledge is power, and that continuing to stick my head in the sand about the things I can and cannot afford wasn’t sustainable, and wouldn’t have served me in the future. But the knowledge that, while I have stopped mindless spending through my savings, I am living pay cheque to pay cheque with no wriggle room, and still not able to put money aside each month, is causing far more worry that I’d anticipated.

How bizarre that I am more stressed now, when I’m no longer picking away at my savings! I may not be saving anything right now, but I’m not spending like I used to! And yet the worry is somehow far greater.



We have Monday off work for the bank holiday, and I’ve booked the last week in March off as well. I’m so neurodivergently burnt out right now, I’m so looking forward to the time to rest, unmask, and reduce overstimulation in my environment.

With the mess that went on with my hair this month, I’ve only got about £10 left in my grocery budget. I’m hoping that I won’t use my whole petrol budget this month, so I can augment the groceries, but the next 2 weeks will be mostly shopping the cupboards.

I’m so sick of not even breaking even each month. Then I feel guilty about feeling sick of it, because the main reason is my pets. And then the worry cycle begins again! 

KajiKita

Ah …. I recognise this angst of understanding your actual financial position and getting caught in a doom loop. It’s hard. 

I can’t magically create more funds for you but what I can do is reinforce what you have already seen which is that focusing on it too much really doesn’t help. I found that things gradually improved, with some bumps in the road, such as your roof needing work, and that over time, with pay rises, job changes (not necessarily by moving jobs) my income increased and the pressure on me decreased. In the meantime, whilst waiting, I found cherishing the little moments helped. I knew that my finances were organised, no further tinkering would change them to any significant effect so I let them tick on in the background and focused on things I could do for free or not much, what was good in my life and remembering that I was lucky to have the life I had. It did help and bought me some mental space whilst my finances gradually evolved around me. 

KK

SecondStar

KajiKita said:

Ah …. I recognise this angst of understanding your actual financial position and getting caught in a doom loop. It’s hard. 

I can’t magically create more funds for you but what I can do is reinforce what you have already seen which is that focusing on it too much really doesn’t help. I found that things gradually improved, with some bumps in the road, such as your roof needing work, and that over time, with pay rises, job changes (not necessarily by moving jobs) my income increased and the pressure on me decreased. In the meantime, whilst waiting, I found cherishing the little moments helped. I knew that my finances were organised, no further tinkering would change them to any significant effect so I let them tick on in the background and focused on things I could do for free or not much, what was good in my life and remembering that I was lucky to have the life I had. It did help and bought me some mental space whilst my finances gradually evolved around me. 

KK

Thank you @kajikita , that was definitely the realistic, reassuring, grown-up voice that I needed to hear this morning! It’s nothing that I don’t know myself, but it helps so much to ‘hear’ it from someone else - especially when I’m caught in a downward whirlpool of worry, and I’m not able to remember that I know those things!

I get caught up like this partially because I don’t really have anyone in my life that I can talk to frankly about money, and money worries. The other reason is because my autism means that I see the small details first, and more clearly, rather than being able to see the bigger picture. This can be great when you need to do a task with a very high level of precision and planning; but equally it means that I can feel that certain things are insurmountable, as I am overwhelmed by all the little pieces of problems, and I ‘can’t see the wood for the trees’.

Even your simple message of life, work, finances, all evolving gradually and over time, felt like a bat to the head - my brain simply isn’t wired to think that way by itself. I don’t naturally think of my future any further forward than the end of the week. I think about and live my life in far shorter increments than neurotypical people.

Couple that type of thinking with my ADHD impulses to do things NOW, and you end up with a perfect storm when things start to go wrong. I am unable to see the bigger picture around me, and I am unable to do things NOW, and then I get stuck in a downward spiral of executive dysfunction and burn out. Fun!



But you’re right. I keep talking about sitting down and doing some meditative journaling, but I really do HAVE TO DO IT. Right now, I’m going to get showered and dressed, and then my partner is coming over to enjoy the rest of the long weekend. 

KajiKita

Glad I could help a little 😊

A few questions that might help unlock the journaling:
- what time of day do you this?
- Would another time of day be better?
- are your journaling materials tactilely satisfying? Is it better to type or hand write it? 
- is the lighting good?
- is your chair or space you do it in comfortable? Can you ‘see’ yourself there? 

Enjoy your time with your partner 😊❤️

KK x

SecondStar

The long weekend was just what I needed - we did precisely nothing in Sunday & Monday, bar a spot of light gardening, and it was just bliss.

We took some time to have a lighthearted chat about what we’d each want our futures to look like, as well as a slightly less lighthearted chat about some of our past relationships. We’re both old enough to not need to know every sordid detail of each other’s past relationship history, but we’re also both emotionally intelligent enough to know that it is important to find out certain things, as potential tell signs for the future.

I think I might like to be married again, but I’m not in any rush. I don’t want children, and there’s no familial or societal pressure on me to be married. I bought my home last year with the intention of being and remaining a single-occupant - it is very petite, and wasn’t purchased with the concept of a live-in partner in mind. I’m not opposed to my partner staying multiple days at my house, but realistically I think it is too small for both of us to live comfortably, permanently here.

He’s not in a position to buy himself at the moment, though is able to save whilst living at home. His lighthearted future is saving for a deposit on somewhere which would still be small and affordable, but slightly bigger to accommodate both of us, and then my house would be able to be rented out. My lighthearted future is just to continue to be as happy as I have been.

I suppose I may like to advance in my career in the next year or 2. I’ve purposely not pursued any opportunities for the past 2 years, as I’ve been focused on trying to maintain stability, after escaping an abusive relationship & buying a house - it’s not good for my brain to have so many huge changes all at once.

It is morbid, and I hate it, but I know that my beloved dog won’t be with me for forever. When that terrible time comes I’ll be completely heartbroken, but I will be more financially secure - I’ll have 22% of my income unaccounted for, when that happens. If I’m then also able to move up the ladder within the civil service, that’ll be a good ground to begin saving and investing, and maybe even take trips to see my friends again.

It is interesting to think about my future - it lurks in my peripheral vision curled up into a ball, and if I’m feeling brave then I’ll peek at it sideways, from between my fingers. If I’m feeling really brave, then sometimes curiosity kicks in, and I might poke at it a little and see what possibilities might unfurl. Any imaginings of my future are always going to be post-dog though, and the knowledge of that makes me feel ill.



In other news, I couldn’t cope with the mess on my head anymore, so I’m currently stripping out the 2 layers of red dye I slapped on over the blue. Mercifully I’d forgotten that March is a rates-free month, so I had an extra £50 to spare. I’ll keep you posted on further updates!

SecondStar

I stopped by a garage on the way home yesterday, to have my exhaust and brakes checked over and a price for any work.

The exhaust needs fully replacing, and the garage can do it for £195, all in. Given that it would cost me £200 to get the part for my partner’s brother to install, it makes sense to have that done by the garage.

I also need front brake discs and pads, and the garage is charging £237 for that. I think it’s a little steep, but my partner thinks I should just get all the work done at once, and then put it through the MOT and see if anything else flags up.



I’ve also had someone out to look at the roof. He’s quoted £500 - that’s for 2-3 workers, across 1-1.5 days. The work includes repointing the lead valleys either side of my porch, lifting and repointing the ridge tiles, and lifting 3 rows of front roof tiles, replacing any rotten batons, and replacing the felt along with a damp proof membrane. He’s also throw in a patch repair on the hole in the ceiling. £500 is bang on the nose for the quote given by my surveyor, so I’m happy enough with that. I do have a second person coming out tomorrow also though, and I’ll be interested to get a second opinion & quote.



Almost 1k for those pieces of work. That’s a quarter of the entirety of my savings.

I know that I cannot be without a car, or without a roof. I know that I am lucky to have cash, and I don’t need to put these necessary expenses onto a credit card or a loan. But my god is it scary. It is so, so scary, because I haven’t been able to pay anything into my savings since I began taking this seriously at the start of the year.

I haven’t been able to keep to a planned budget these few months, because there’s always been Something come up.

My first step for March’s pay cheque will be to begin paying into a car maintenance fund, even if it’s only £20 a month. I can’t be getting caught off guard with £400+ expenses like that. I probably also need to start putting small amounts aside for other planned expenses, like my partner’s birthday in May, and Christmas this year.

It’s stuff like this which remind me to use perspective, when I feel like I want to spend money on things without thinking about it first.



My job interview is on Wednesday. My hair is currently grey-blue, with bleachy, brassy roots. I’ll be putting a dark dye on it and praying. I’m not sure if I have any suitable interview clothes (my office is casual wear), so it may be that I see about borrowing an outfit, or giving myself £15 for a charity shop run. Either way, please cross fingers for me!