Would you consider this toxic behaviour?

coconutcurls

For background: I’ve grown up in a somewhat toxic family, lots of passive aggression and control - I’m now living in a different country and my relationship with them is growing more and more distant. 

Anyway - my mother who is a very cold and anti-social person messages me random things from time to time - I gather this is her way of getting connection when she feels lonely - sometimes the messages are so dumb I just feel slightely annoyed but sometimes the messages trigger me although I don’t show it or express. 

The latest message I don’t know what make of it - is it toxic behaviour or is it just me?

“Mum- my neighbours bought a female dog and named her xyz (my daughter’s name)

Me - it happens - people name dogs human’s names all the time

Mum- Yeah, I’ve met lots of dogs called xyz but it is the firts time in my neighbourhood/ block - I can’t cope”

She said ‘I can’t cope’ in joke

1- my daughter’s name is not a popular name at all - nor in the UK or in my home country where my mum lives

2- my mum does not like dogs, does not have friends or a social circle and rarely lives the house so I don’t know where and how she met many dogs called xyz 

3- I have never met another person face to face called xyz - they exist but is is an unusual kind of name although recognisable because of a famous singer -it is a very human name - growing up and during the visits to my country I’ve never met an animal - cat/dog whatever called xyz - unless it became popular now a days

Curious to know what people think?

Is my mum just clueless and out of touch or is it a display of toxic behaviour? I want to believe the first option but when you grow up in a toxic envirinment you either fail to recognise toxicity or you see it everywhere. 

I’d be lying if I said this particular message didn’t trigger me but at the same time I can’t explain why it triggered me. I don’t think I would send messages like this to anyone - I just don’t see the point. 

74jax

I wouldn't give this message a 2nd thought, but that's me and I don't have your history. I'd have asked if the dog was cute and then how she was. It wouldn't be a biggy for me. 

silvercar

Think of it as a random message to make contact, the content is just her trying to think of something to say.

sevenhills

People are influenced greatly by their parents. Just think positive don't let negativity creep in.

elsien

I’d not give it a second thought. 

Brie

Insensitive perhaps but not necessarily toxic.  But I think that to be toxic there would be intent to wound.  

I get wound up by my various family members (siblings and parent) who live on a different continent.  It's one of the reasons I prefer phone calls without video as my annoyance (& boredom) with them shows too easily.

Mojisola

coconutcurls said:

For background: I’ve grown up in a somewhat toxic family, lots of passive aggression and control - I’m now living in a different country and my relationship with them is growing more and more distant. 

Is my mum just clueless and out of touch or is it a display of toxic behaviour? I want to believe the first option but when you grow up in a toxic envirinment you either fail to recognise toxicity or you see it everywhere. 

I’d be lying if I said this particular message didn’t trigger me but at the same time I can’t explain why it triggered me. I don’t think I would send messages like this to anyone - I just don’t see the point. 

I think the first option is most likely - if she intended it to hurt there would most likely be something more personal - a friend was told by her MIL that her son's name (from her first marriage) was a good name for a dog, but not a person!  That was intended to cause problems.

Send bland replies when you get messages like that - if the intention is to get you riled up, that won't satisfy her and she will escalate with follow-up messages and then you'll know for sure.

As it triggered you, it would be worth working on distancing yourself emotionally as well as physically.  Even doing exercises like imaging the messages being thrown into a bin bag and sealed up can reduce the emotional impact.

ellenvan

Just ignore - think she is just insensitive and the random messages are her way of keeping in touch.
She just thinks oh I must tell so and so that.

pickledonionspaceraider

There is obviously a huge back story here.  

I wouldn't be dwelling on this?  Why is the message important

getmore4less

“Mum- my neighbours bought a female dog and named her xyz (my daughter’s name)

Have neighbours ever met your daughter or at a min know about her and her name.

the response is that's nice they have thought about her(daughter).

KxMx

I grew up with an extremely nosy and intrusive parent, had many many battles to stop the "quizzing" as I called it. 
The situation got a lot better eventually but on occasion when she would ask a reasonable, innocent question it got my back straight up.
In those cases it was most certainly me and not her.