Care options for elderly mother

tooldle

With my mum, I often use the response of ‘they are a bit busy at the moment’ or ‘I’ve not seen them today, maybe I can catch them tomorrow’ or ‘ I think they’ve just popped out’ or similar vague phrases. Not point whatsoever in telling her the people she is looking for are dead. 

Savvy_Sue

Worth checking with those who are caring round the clock what responses they are using, and I can thoroughly recommend the book "contented dementia", which seems to recommend the distract / change the subject option. 

My late FIL used to ask after my parents long after they were dead. I'd say that they had now moved somewhere with a lovely view and that I hadn't seen them very recently. Sometimes he'd then remember they had died and get upset, but I assured him I wasn't upset by him asking at all. 

Mojisola

longwalks1 said:

 One question, she’s become very confused with some subjects and not others, she still thinks father in law is alive (he passed 9 years ago) and is certain he sat with her for dinner last night. He asked me and my partner to check in the next room as she was certain he was there. 

My partner (her daughter) had explained a week ago that dad passed 9 years ago, MIL not having any of it.

So today when asked to check if dad was next door, daughter just popped out for a minute and returned to write ‘no I didn’t see him mum, he’s not next door’ then changed the subject. 

The way it was explained to me when Mum started down this route was not to think of it as lying but as accepting their reality - it's cruel to keep reminding someone that a loved one has died - either they get upset and have to grieve again and again or (ironically) they think they are being lied to by those caring for them.

When Mum asked about her brother who used to call round a couple of times a week, I would say things like - he said if the weather was nice, he was thinking of going to the coast for the day; he said he thought he was starting a cold and wouldn't come up today if it got worse; and so on - whatever was appropriate for the day.

A book I found very helpful was Contented Dementia but it was published a while ago now so there may similar newer advice books to get.

longwalks1

Thanks everyone, have ordered the book Contented Dementia so will start that, it’s coming tomorrow.  

Sorry for all the questions, this one isn’t medical advice (don’t think it’s allowed on here) but my partners brother has found out my MIL (his mum) may be delirious or confused due to the medication the care home has put her on, Oxycodone.  The name sounded familiar and it’s a brand name of Ocycontin (which factual tv series Dopesick was about).  We realise MIL is 86 and not a teenager, but is this still a common drug to be prescribed?  

tooldle

Oxycodone is for pain relief. As mil has been in hospital recently due to a fall, has the prescription arisen via the hospital? The Care Home should be able to provide some background as to what medication mil has and why? It is normal for new residents to be reviewed by a GP as soon as possible after moving in. The Care Home should know who prescribed and why.

elsien

Sometimes people may be confused due to an infection or illness, so they may have delirium/ confusion and no one is really clear on why. Obviously being in an unfamiliar setting doesn’t help. So the confusion may clear up or it may not, it’s not always that clear cut.
As per the above answer, the care home don’t prescribe medication, that is the responsibility of the GP to review once she’s out of hospital and making any changes needed. Whether they’re able to discuss that with you or not depends on her capacity specifically around her medication, and her wishes around confidentiality if she does have capacity. 
Most care homes have a GP who comes round weekly, so you could always check that she will be reviewed the next time they come.

Mojisola

longwalks1 said:

Thanks everyone, have ordered the book Contented Dementia so will start that, it’s coming tomorrow.

I don't know if others would agree but I found the first few chapters a bit confusing and I didn't really 'get' what the technique was about until I read on further. 

I also listened to a couple of programmes about Penny Garner's Specal Method -https://contenteddementiatrust.org/our-history/

diystarter7

Hi OP

Seek advice from the care manger to plan ahead

There are many charities, write ups etc etc

However, if annd when you have a fe mo's, read the excellent post from NHS

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia/help-and-support/#:~:text=Alzheimer's Society runs the Dementia,information and advice about dementia.

From the above link

Alzheimer's Society runs the Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456, which provides information and advice about dementia.

Dementia UK is a national charity that aims to improve the quality of life for people with dementia. It offers advice and support to families who are living with dementia through its Admiral Nurses, who are registered nurses and dementia experts.

Good luck

lr1277

elsien said:

Sometimes people may be confused due to an infection or illness, so they may have delirium/ confusion and no one is really clear on why. Obviously being in an unfamiliar setting doesn’t help. So the confusion may clear up or it may not, it’s not always that clear cut.
As per the above answer, the care home don’t prescribe medication, that is the responsibility of the GP to review once she’s out of hospital and making any changes needed. Whether they’re able to discuss that with you or not depends on her capacity specifically around her medication, and her wishes around confidentiality if she does have capacity. 
Most care homes have a GP who comes round weekly, so you could always check that she will be reviewed the next time they come.

This!!! Sorry I forgot to mention it earlier.

When my dad was extra confused/delirious, it was usually caused by infection. The doctorwould prescribe antibiotics and it would usually get better after a few days. Edited to add: Sometimes not. I think dad was on certain antibiotics for weeks at a time under the guidance of the doctor. So the confusion would go away but other signs of the infection would still be present. (It has been over 6 months now, so am forgetting details).

Sometimes the doctor couldn't tell if it was a chest infection of a UTI so had to try more than one antibiotic.

See my earlier comment about draining fluid from the chest and keeping my dad moving. Both helped drain fluids from the body and hence reduce the amount of infection.

If diagnosed as a UTI, you may hae come across cranberry juice to help alleviate the condition. That could be worth trying in consultation with the care home.

2nd edit to add discuss taking the cranberry juice also with your MIL. Dad couldn't stand the stuff so he rarely if ever took it.

Savvy_Sue

Dad spent his last 6 weeks in hospital, with recurrent UTIs throughout that time. Some days he was his usual self, sometimes he was away with the fairies. They were trying to treat them, to be fair, but it was clear by the end that this was his final stand. 

So yes, they may be for pain, or the confusion may be down to an infection. Keep asking the care home until you're happy you understand their answers. (I think care homes forget that this is all new to us: they may know exactly what they are doing, but we don't ...)