Debt stopping us from starting a family

failinggirlboss

I have so much guilt and regret for the decisions that I made around money throughout my 20’s. I am now 29 and I have £13,791.14 of my own personal debt to my name. I lived very ‘for the moment’ thinking I had all the time in the world and I never really felt maternal so starting a family didn’t seem like a priority. I also used shopping and impulse purchases as a coping mechanism throughout some bad times - only to realise that this has made me feel a million times worse later down the line. But in the last 12 months, my husband and I really want to start a family and it has hit me as well that I am not getting any younger. Combined with the cost of living crisis and my disposable income being squeezed tighter than ever, I am mentally really struggling with the situation that I have got myself in. (But not feeling sorry for myself and as I know that it’s all my own stupid fault). I’m currently spending £721.93 a month on debt repayments to clear the following:

Loan 1: £4697.92 (£226.02 per month) ends 01/10/24 - 7.92%
Loan 2: £4406.63 (£265.91 per month) ends 25/05/24 - 3.1%
Store card: £213.45 (£30 per month) - 23.9% 
PayPal credit: £737.20 (£50 per month) - 21.9%  
Credit card 1: £3009.09 (£100 per month) - 0%
Credit card 2: £651.56 (£25 per month) - 0%
Credit card 3: £75.29 (£25 per month) 
Overdraft: £100 - 0%

I’m currently working on clearing them in the following order... However there isn’t much left over each month at present (once I have put money into our joint account for the mortgage, household bills and food shopping) to make any payments on top of what I’m already doing. So this will have to be a gradual thing each time something is cleared…

1. Credit card 3
2. Store card
3. PayPal credit 
4. Credit card 2 
5. Credit card 1 
6. Loan 1
7. Loan 2

Another thing I didn’t realise until recently is how shocking statutory maternity pay is I manage to get by on a take home salary of about £1870 a month, so without this I would be completely lost. My maternity package at work provides the 6 weeks at 90%, 12 weeks at 50%, 21 weeks SMP and then 13 weeks unpaid. I have thought whether going back to work after a few months would be the best option but I’d feel so much guilt on not being around. 

My husband and I have done a lot of talking recently as he knows my situation, and I have worked out that I could POSSIBLY get by if loan 2 was cleared before my pay is reduced to 50%…. 

I have no idea what our fertility journey will be like but what I do know is that we just can’t start trying if the finances won’t work. The stress of money currently keeps me awake at night and some days I feel so down. So I wouldn’t want to put this type of stress on my body if we were lucky enough to get pregnant. We were even going to take a homeowner loan to consolidate it all against the mortgage (this was while rates were low), but because we have an equity loan, we weren’t allowed to borrow unless we paid off the whole equity loan as well! I cried for days after this happened because I thought I had finally got a chance to start again and it was all shattered. 

I just wondered if anybody else has been in a similar situation where they have got pregnant with debt still hanging over them. Was there any support available? Can it even be done or do I have to wait until I’m completely debt free? Which I think will be when I’m around the age of 32. 

Sometimes I wonder if I’m over thinking it all but I just can’t help it  

enthusiasticsaver

Please don't do a home owner loan.  This will make your situation so much worse as the debt will be secured on your house whereas at present it is unsecured.  

As for the clearing of the debt I agree it makes sense to get on top of it before starting a family not least because childcare costs are expensive so coping with debt and that on possibly a reduced salary is tough.  Maybe start planning by working out maternity pay and using the difference to put towards debt. 3 years is not a huge amount of time and having something to work towards will motivate you. 

diystarter7

enthusiasticsaver said:

Please don't do a home owner loan.  This will make your situation so much worse as the debt will be secured on your house whereas at present it is unsecured.  

As for the clearing of the debt I agree it makes sense to get on top of it before starting a family not least because childcare costs are expensive so coping with debt and that on possibly a reduced salary is tough.  Maybe start planning by working out maternity pay and using the difference to put towards debt. 3 years is not a huge amount of time and having something to work towards will motivate you. 

Hi OP

I agree with the above poster the highlighted bit.

You are already aware re the new challenges if you start a family.
When a child comes into your life, the expenses shoot up EG clothing, food, nappies, formulated milk and never mind the child care. Then there is a massive possibility you having to take time off work when the baby is unwell and from what I've seen these days most babies do get severe colds etc wher a parent/s have to take time off and then th appointments etc and babies need a lt of clothing as they grow up quick. Beore you know the time for nursery will arrive so more money.

Please get your finances sorted before taking the next step as when you have your baby/s, you will want the best for them

Good luck

PS: Use the time before having a child to do overtime get a better paid job and or 2/3 jobs get on top of your debts and get savings under your belts.   Credit to you guys for thinking about that as many don't.

theoretica

Also, if you haven't already, be sure to check out what your husband's company offer for parental leave.

powerspowers

I think you’ve got a sensible strategy to pay off the debt and move forward in the next few years, and a great reason to be motivated to keep you through the tough times. A few qs
1. have you and husband been through budgets to see if there is anything you can reduce?

2. You don’t mention husband’s income and talk about this being your financial problem. I’d say if it’s holding you both back from having a family then it’s a joint problem and needs a joint response. 

3, would you consider moving jobs to something with a better maternity package? Local authority is typically 9 months at 90% so you could think about starting a family earlier 

good luck and keep posting xx

poppy811

Having  a baby does not have to be quite as expensive as implied especially if you breast feed and go for second hand clothes and kit.  No need for special baby foods later on, all can be made at home for a much smaller price than the jars and pots in the shops. Also you will be amazed how friends and family will be pleased to rally round

do agree with your plan to reduce your debt as much as poss. first though.  Think about selling anything you feel you can do without for now and start doing batch cooking surveys etc and sticking to a budget.  Work out your yearly expenses and allocate them for monthly into a separate account so the money is there when you need it

I know it all seems overwhelming but now but you will be amazed at what you can do.  Best of luck

mnkone

From a dads point of view, I had and still have a lot of debt, my wife had some as well when we started for a family. It is possible to manage, your maternity sounds the same %'s as my wife, which we managed on, whilst still paying down the debt. 

If you cant live off the maternity pay, the best thing is to pay down the debt, but try and save £100 a month until baby is here, that way you have a chunk to either keep to split over the maternity months, which we did, or to pay off a chunk of the debt. Both help. 

Don't be disheartened though. It is possible, as poppy811 says, you can get second hand things, which I know for some people they don't want to do (my wife struggled with it), but after a few months of realizing that a baby will be sick on most things, new or second hand is irrelevant. My wife couldn't breast feed for one of our children and we have a special dairy free formula, which we really worried about as it was £20 a tin which lasts 3 days. But if something like that comes up you can get them prescribed. So anything like that is manageable. 

MissPennySave

I agree with poppy811, don't feed into all the hype about things you need for a baby! In reality, they really don't need much! My 1st had all the gadgets, but my 2nd had hardly anything, and it was actually much simpler and easier! 

Very sensible to clear as much debt now! I didnt and as you can see by my signature my debt spiralled! Best of luck! MPS.x

MattMattMattUK

failinggirlboss said:

I just wondered if anybody else has been in a similar situation where they have got pregnant with debt still hanging over them. Was there any support available? Can it even be done or do I have to wait until I’m completely debt free? Which I think will be when I’m around the age of 32. 

There is no "help" beyond the benefits system, which if your husband is working and as you are a homeowner will give you very little. Why not take a second job to help you clear the debt, at least at the moment most supermarkets, shops and some bars and restaurants are looking for extra staff, you could easily make yourself an extra £1-2k in December which would make a good initial dent and would clear the two highest interest debts. 

If I were you I would look at posting your SOA on the Debt Free Wanabee board, there is certainly money that can be saved because there always is for everyone, that way you can have more towards debt repayment. 

Being debt free is certainly the best position to be in going into maternity leave, children can be expensive, so best not to have any additional outgoings. Also there is no reason not to wait another few years to get things back on track, being stressed about debt with a new baby is not going to help what can already be a difficult adjustment. 

diystarter7

diystarter7 said:

enthusiasticsaver said:

Please don't do a home owner loan.  This will make your situation so much worse as the debt will be secured on your house whereas at present it is unsecured.  

As for the clearing of the debt I agree it makes sense to get on top of it before starting a family not least because childcare costs are expensive so coping with debt and that on possibly a reduced salary is tough.  Maybe start planning by working out maternity pay and using the difference to put towards debt. 3 years is not a huge amount of time and having something to work towards will motivate you. 

Hi OP

I agree with the above poster the highlighted bit.

You are already aware re the new challenges if you start a family.
When a child comes into your life, the expenses shoot up EG clothing, food, nappies, formulated milk and never mind the child care. Then there is a massive possibility you having to take time off work when the baby is unwell and from what I've seen these days most babies do get severe colds etc wher a parent/s have to take time off and then th appointments etc and babies need a lt of clothing as they grow up quick. Beore you know the time for nursery will arrive so more money.

Please get your finances sorted before taking the next step as when you have your baby/s, you will want the best for them

Good luck

PS: Use the time before having a child to do overtime get a better paid job and or 2/3 jobs get on top of your debts and get savings under your belts.   Credit to you guys for thinking about that as many don't.

Hi again OP

I wanted to add to my detailed post.

in the meantime, build up a friends network, offer to help out with their baby/kids. This in turn may come handy when you need to go out and take a break for a few hours or emergency etc.

As I said above, do consider taking on a better-paid job, over-time and more than one job to clear debts and have extra money handy.

When you have a baby (I'm a gent) I've seen it first hand the difference between women that take it in their stride and those that encounter problems. Therefore, the better the financial position the better for you, your baby and your hubby.

Our children when younger were in and out of hospital/asthma, thankfully Mrs Diy worked in the evening and me a day job so we did not have to take time off -   Just saying there could always be times when you need to take time off work and not have income etc so again, money in the bank and no debts other than a mortgage is better for the mind.

Good luck.

failinggirlboss

Thank you all for your messages. It’s really nice to have this space to come too as I don’t talk about this to anyone other than my husband and even though I think about it pretty much all of the time, I don’t like to keep bringing it up. 

I’m hoping that childcare won’t be too much of an issue for us although I do understand it will still be an expense. Both of our mums work part time so they would be on hand. We both also have the ability to work from home and have very understanding employers, so this could also help (although I do appreciate working and have a baby around would be a big challenge!!).

@enthusiasticsaver In hindsight, especially with how the housing market has gone since, I am glad we didn’t go down the homeowner loan route and I will feel much happier about this when I pay everything back myself. This is all certainly keeping me on track to the point that I question myself every time I make a financial decision and ask if I’m doing the right thing. I’ve never felt so motivated to get rid of it all. 

@d@diystarter7 I have thought about the 2nd job but I currently work full time and work 9 hour days so a 2nd job currently seems a bit too much of a push. It’s not something I would rule out though if the right thing came along and could be quite flexible. We both do things like elections when it comes around so this is a great extra source of income. My current job is pretty decent pay for our area/my experience and has a lot of perks such as being within walking distance because we only have one car. We live in quite a rural area so finding good jobs locally can be pretty difficult unfortunately. 

@the@theoretica I have asked my husband to find this out. Fortunately, he is a local authority worker so I have a feeling it will be a pretty good package, whatever it is. 

@powe@powerspowers We have been through our outgoings and they are already stripped pretty bare! Other than my debts, I have my phone bill. And same for my husband as well his sports membership (if he didn’t have this then I think we would both drive each other crazy)… everything else goes into the joint account (bills are often reviewed) and savings most months. We shop at Tesco but I know I could be a bit more savvy with food shopping, meal prepping etc. This is a working progress… I just talk about it being my problem because I caused it. But he is very onboard with supporting me and is trying to get as much away in savings as possible so that we have that ready if my pay changes. His income will fortunately cover my contribution to the joint bills as well so again, this can happen if my pay goes down. I just don’t want to feel like I’m being ‘bailed out’ and want to try to do as much as I can myself. My current job has a lot of perks so I would be very reluctant to leave. It’s also on my doorstep which saves a lot of travel expenses. But not something I would rule out if the right job came along. 

@poppy811 I’d be more than happy to go for second hand and I know we would have to be savvy when making purchases. I have already sold quite a lot through Vinted which has really helped recently. The surveys I haven’t had so much luck with, not sure if I’ve been picking the wrong ones? 

@mnkone I’m really pleased to read that you made it work. It’s nice to read things like this and makes me feel a little bit more hopeful - so thank you for that. I don’t feel too precious over getting things brand new so second hand will definitely be an option. My husband is working on the savings while I work on the debt so hopefully this will all come together. 

@MissPennySave I currently avoid looking in the baby section of department stores because the amount of different things that they sell is unreal! It’s put a lot of pressure on people but trying not to take too much notice of it. I will rely on my mum and my mother-in-laws advice as they did it without all the modcons. 

@MattMattMattUK I mentioned in another reply I think that the second job has been considered but doesn’t feel like an option currently. I work full time and typically work 9 hour days. My husband also uses our only car for his job so it’s not easy getting around when he is using the car. We do odd things like elections so we do try where we can and this really helps boost our savings.