Can anyone help me make sense of how I feel

poppyscorner

Hi all,

This is going to be long and may even be complicated a bit.

We are me my DH DS1 and DS2 my hubby also has a DD from his previous marriage.

The problems are as follows

I knew that hubby had a DD when I met him I have no problem with that if I did I would not have married my husband. He also has an ex wife who I found it very hard to accept at first I suppose at 18 when we met I could not understand why she always was on the phone to him she made my life a misery spread vicious rumours about me and said some truly awful things none of which I will go into here but this has all now resolved they speak often about their daughter again I have no problem with that they need to just as I talk to him about our sons his ex and myself are nowadays civil to each other we dont chat over coffee or anything just chat in the street if we see each other and if I am there when he collects his daughter.

My husband carries alot of guilt for leaving his daughter not his ex wife just his daughter he supports them financially she gets everything she needs she has a christmas time here at ours and I usually put on a little party for her birthdays etc etc.

Because of his guilt my husband treats his daughter completely differently to how he treats our sons she can be at times like all kids a right pain and is at times badly behaved being nasty to her brothers etc etc hubby refuses to tell her off for it and she gets away with murder our sons are still young 4yrs and 9months and she is 7yrs old he always says he doesnt see or didnt hear what was said and I am the one who has to ask her (nicely) to stop it.Something which I hate doing as then I am the wicked step mother and I dont think it is my job she also constantly tittle tattles trying to get DS1 into trouble with their dad a definate cry for dads attention.

The thing is if our eldest did half the things she does then he would be in big trouble I am not saying he should not be told off but he is going to get to a point where he rebels against DH because she does not get wrong at all for doing the same things if you see what I mean.

DH spoils DD buying her everything she wants and he thinks they should all have equal amounts spent on them for birthdays and christmases I disagree I am not her mum and she gets alot over at her house as well as what she gets here and I think I should have a little extra for the boys.

I feel my children and I are second best to his ex and daughter and I am starting to resent it as we should be second best to no one we have rowed about this DH immediately goes on the defensive and calls himself a !!!! dad.

This may sound really petty and I feel disgusted with myself for the way I feel at the moment I should point out that I love his daughter and do not mind doing any of the things we do for her I am just angry with him for the way he behaves.

I would love advice from others in the same situation as to what happened for you and how you solved your problems this is a biggie for me at the moment and I think the whole thing may be made worse by the small tinge of jealousy I feel that he has a daughter with someone else you see we also had a daughter but she died and that is something that is very hard for me at this time of year and I brood about it hubby takes things completely differently to me for example it is very important to me and my family that she has flowers on her grave on christmas day so she knows we havent forgotten her and is loved still however hubby and his family do not take part in that she has never had a flower from his parents of brother and sister hubby goes along with it for me but dont think he is really bothered either way my heart breaks every christmas when all I can get her is a silly bunch of flowers and I am hurting badly over it (crying now).

Can anyone help me resolve my feelings and provide advice on anything I can do to make things better.

If you made it this far thanks for reading

Poppy xx

katiekittykat

Sorry I can't help but after reading I felt like I had to say something....

Love and hugs xxxxx

I hope someone can help you out

xxx

cazziebo

((((Poppyscorner)))) You sound a great step mum.

Can I just say that your boys have something your step daughter hasn't - and that's a home with both her own parents in it. And it sounds like you've made a very happy home. I don't want to justify it but I imagine your ex is just trying to compensate for this. My ex (and his wife) spoil my two girls something rotten but they have no other children.

I think I agree with your DH about treating them all the same in your house. If the daughter was to get less then that would make her second to the sons, and I think children pick up on that. I know what you're saying that she gets her christmas and birthdays at her other home but to your boys that's a different world.

I'm so sorry to hear of your daughter's passing. That must be so hard for you, especially when your DH deals with it in a different way. It must be particularly difficult this time of year.

Sorry - no real advice - other than try to persuade your other half to be a bit more supportive when it comes to managing all three children together. I can understand why he is more indulgent with his daughter if she's not there all the time, but he has to recognise the impact of this on the family, and the extra pressure it puts on you.

You're in a difficult situation but sounds as if you are coping with it all admirably well

xx

MissEyre

*Hugs*
I think you are doing a great job-I would absolutely say that your step daughter should be treated as your sons are treated when she is in your home. I am so sorry to hear you lost your little daughter, and think that it is important to know she is not forgotten.
Have you been to talk to your GP about any of this? It sounds like you might be suffering from depression, and there are many things your GP might be able to suggest, from counselling to antidepressants, if they are needed. I really think it might be helpful for you to talk to someone, and your GP can arrange this for you.
Thinking of you x

pukkamum

Hi Poppy i am so sorry for your loss and i can completely understand your feelings, i myself am a stepdaughter and was brought up very differently to my half sister (my step-dad and my mum's child). She was given a lot more by him (attention etc) and i must admit i did begin to resent it. However, you must see that his daughter must feel a certain amount of resentment towards you and your son's you have him there everyday as a complete family unit, which she doesn't. this probably goes some way to explaining her bad behaviour. Perhaps she behaves that way to try and get her dad to berate her in the same way he does your sons. I know that sounds a little skewed but perhaps she wants to just be a normal part of the family. I do think though that your husband will be more tolerant of her, after all he only gets to see her on set days and i doubt he wants her to go home with bad feeling between them. It sounds like you are an excellant step-mum so keep up the good work and if she gets a few extra presents to make up for not having her dad around all the time does it really matter? As long as you don't let your sons realise it or if they do you explain that having daddy around all the time is a gift in itself then i am sure you will all continue to be very happy. Good luck love and as my mum always says don't sweat the small stuff x x x x

poppyscorner

Thanks for the replies,

With regard to my daughter I had very severe depression at the time but I do not feel that way now I also had private counselling at the time it is just this time of year I get all reflective about what happened and her birthday is approaching rapidly (28th Feb) so I always spend a bit of time thinking about it around now.

I did the anti depressant thing a long time ago and they were absolutely no good for me citalopram I was on and I ashamedly did try to take my own life whilst on them they played with my brain and I swore I would never take another one.

I do try my best to give my stepdaughter the same treatment as my sons when in our house but I do find it very difficult at times treating her as mine when she isnt and when she receives such preferential treatment from DH (her dad) it hurts a great deal.

Thank you all again xx

poppyscorner

Just to add aswell my stepdaughter has us here and also her mum and her new husband (who she also calls dad something which my DH gets very upset about when no one is looking) she is surrounded by people who love her and things have been this way for her from a young age maybe she is very insecure I grew up mum and dad together so cannot know how she feels but she does have a great big family with her at the centre and at the moment the boys adore her as do we I just worry that they will begin to resent her because of how things are a problem which has nothing to do with her she is just a child at the end of the day but a problem none the less

consultant31

I wanted to offer you a (((hug))) and my sympathy over the loss of your little girl.

May I suggest you show your husband this thread as it may serve to show him how you are feeling, without him having to face you while you say it.

I'm sorry I can't offer any real insight, but I hope it works out for you all:)

squibbs25

Hi Poppy,
Sorry to hear about your daughter. You sound a fab mum, if your hubby is anything like my dad, then the thought of showing emotion is a no-no. My brother (first-born) died when he was a baby and it has taken my mum 32 years to grieve for him. She said that when it first happened she was made to feel like she wasn't allowed to cry. When she was upset my dad used to walk out of the room, he didnt cuddle her or show any emotion. That to me has always sounded very cold and heartless but when i spoke to him about it one day he said that he couldn't handle mum crying cos he loved her so much and felt useless cos he couldn't ease her pain. He said it tore his heart to see so much pain in my mums eyes. He has never publically made any show on my brothers birthday or Christmas, although silently, in his own head he does mark the occaision. (if that makes any sense). I guess what i am trying to say is that we are all different in the way we treat grief.

As for being a step-mum, i am step mum to 3 girls (they are now 17,16,and 12), i also have a son (10) and a daughter (5).
I totally understand your fustration in how you hubby treats the children differently. With us it's more the fact he has a hands on roll with our kids, where as with HIS dd's, his opinion doesn't count for anything. Their mum will do what ever she pleases. (and S*D what he thinks). He has no control or say in what they get up to.
My youngest step dd used to get away with loads here. In the end i started to seperate the kids when they got into an arguement. I put them in their bedrooms for 10mins to cool down. I remember taking the 4 kids to town and the middle 2 (step dd 3, ds1) argued the whole time i was out. I told them i was upset by the way they behaved and would be going to bed as soon as we got home. The look on hubby's face when they walked in, took their shoes off and went straight to bed for 30 mins. He asked if it was necessary and i told him yes. The children had to be treated equally and that is what i normally do if the kids misbehave while out shopping.
It was a big lesson for everyone. All the kids learnt that i meant business.
We have one set of house rules and thats it.
As regards pressie's, ours do get a little extra-not much mind, just a little something. I work too, so i feel that i am justified in spending a little extra on my children (providing i can afford it ).
My step dds' mum is very lavish on her kids and spends approx £300 - £500 per child :eek: , I dont spend nowhere like that on all of them in total.
But i will say my children have a secure home and loving parents .

Oops, have just noticed the time, have to run to get kids from school, will try and get back on later. Feel free to pm me if you want someone to talk to.

Talk soon,

Squibbs

geekgirl

poppyscorner wrote: »

DH spoils DD buying her everything she wants and he thinks they should all have equal amounts spent on them for birthdays and christmases I disagree I am not her mum and she gets alot over at her house as well as what she gets here and I think I should have a little extra for the boys.

As far as the spending money goes in my opinion you should be spending the same on all three. Remember they are all his children and are all important to him.

The tinge of jealousy is a real shame because jealousy is a real downer, no good comes from it at all. I feel for you there.

I think you need to get all this out in the open with your DH. He needs to know exactly how you are feeling. It is not fair to treat them differently with attention, money or discipline. He needs this pointing out to him. He sounds like he is trying to do his best for all concerned and when he has his daughter he probably doesn't want to spend his time telling her off. He needs to reassure her that he loves her but will not stand for her being a brat.

I do feel for her as well as it is a terrible time for children when their parents split up. Put yourself in her shoes, try not to feel bad about her as she is a child.

Last but not least you have your feelings about your daughter no longer being here. You may resent all the little things that you do for Step daughter as you can't do them for your daughter any longer, this is playing a large part in the problem.

You may not feel like it but you are actually being a great Mum and step mum. You put on little parties for her etc... Just sort out that little twinge of jealousy and a lot of it will be resolved.

It is really lovely that you put flowers down for your daughter, others may remember her in their own little ways.
You may know this already but if you google gone to soon you can make a rememberance webpage where you can leave messages, put up photos and light virtual candles. It may help you feel that you are doing a bit more for your daughter.

Big hugs to you and all of your family. X

Stephb1986_2

Hi Poppy first of all love and hugs this must be hard for you.

I have a step sister and a step dad when my mum first met my step dad my step sister wasnt keen on us and said she wanted to be a only child because you get everything you want and a bag to put it in, that was her words. My step dad tells me and my brother off like we are his own but he will never tell my step sister off because he's scared of losing her. Perhaps this is why your DH is like this about his daughter?? have you sat him down and said about how much it hurts that he treats all the kids differently?

i hope this helps

Stephb xxx