Can anyone help me make sense of how I feel

little_evo

Hi Poppy, your post made me cry and I just wanted to offer yourself a big hug as I know it must be incredibly hard dealing with your husband at times when yiour step-daughter is around. I grew up with a step-mother and also had a step-brother and I can still remember times when he got extra gifts from his real father who never saw him much, but that's just children getting jealous.

I agree with everyone else, you've got to sit down and talk to your husband and tell him treating his daughter different from the other children isn't fair. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if you did the same with your boys would he? I know it can be incredibly hard to be a step-parent, and I loved mine like my own mother and even named my daughter after her. Good luck.

Debt_Free_Chick

I think you should print off your post and give it to DH.

The vast majority of relationship problems are down to faulty communication - sometimes we can't find the words for how we feel; sometimes we say them in a way that makes it sound like we're blaming our partner; sometimes we hit a nerve and they "retaliate" or get very defensive.

By showing him your post, you can give him what you want to say. He can take his time; he can read it over and over and you won't be interrupted before you've finished.

Talk to him - please. My own relationship (with the love of my life) is currently undergoing a very violent death - simply because I could never tell my partner how I felt. Now I can ... it's too late.

D-Manc

Blooming nora.. is your OH a capricorn.. sounds a bit like mine and he is... Feeling guilty, over compensating... Such Cappie traits...

Gale_10

Hello there,

I think there are unresolved issues around your daughters death, and if you could resolve them, you may be able to deal with your step-daughter issues in a bit more of a constructive way.

I can't imagine what its like to lose a child.

I wonder if you give some time or monetary support to a charity, a children's charity and think of that as for your daughter. It may help............I was in a violent relationship and I did some charity work, it helped me.
I know that you would like your extended family to acknowledge your daughters death but you can't make them feel what you feel, and everyone has a different way of coping don't they? Perhaps it's better to just let people know what you are doing and why........even if you spend say one afternoon a month doing something for a charity, and think of that for your daughter, and say oh yes I do this for *her name*, then they have to think of her too. It might make them do something.

As for your husband I think you have to sit him down and calmly explain how you feel. He really needs to know what is going on with you. I would encourage him to write down his feelings of guilt about leaving his daughter, to thoroughly explore that, if need be with a counsellor. But probably it would be enough to chat through it with you. He needs to be aware of the resentment he will build up in his sons, because children do have a huge sense of what is fair and what isn't.It would be sad to see them growing up not liking their half sister because of his treatment of the family.

I really hope we have given you some ideas.

Take care,

Gale

squashy

I have every sympathy...I am also a step mum.

We have 3 children between us plus the two from DHs prev marriage and they come every other weekend. Like you I also love my step children very much and like your DH mine quite often over compensates. My biggest bugbear is bedtimes- he keeps them up until very late (sometimes even after we go to bed!! They are 12 and 14) and I don't agree, feeling this should be the exception rather than the norm. They are usually quite good kids so the discipline thing doesn't come up but knowing my DH he would do the same as yours (another Capricorn as it happens!!!)

However with regards to christmas and birthdays, all 5 get the same spent on them (well it's baby's first one and we are only getting a few little bits for her but our philosophy stands!). Yes this means that the SKids get a really good deal with a big pressie from each house, but they also get a raw deal in terms of seeing their dad (and mum) full time. To us it is very important that they understand that "this" is our family unit and the fact they also are at their mum's sometimes is purely circumstance.

Of course DD1, DS and DD2 get much more in the way of days out and things bought for them when we are out so they get little extras that way. Again this is purely circumstance again!

I am just trying to give you an insight into how we work but there is no right and wrong way. I guess you and your DH need to have a good talk, maybe after the christmas spell is over?

Thinking of you xxx