Real Dad Dead - Am I meant to be Sad?

Silvertabby

You are grieving for what might have been, rather than the man himself.

Perfectly normal.  Just give yourself time - there are no time limits on grief.

lincroft1710

You are not meant to be sad


This person wasn't in your life for decades and it seems never wanted to be. You can spend/waste time on speculating on what might have been, but there is ultimately no point. Your life hasn't changed because of his death.

pickledonionspaceraider

I found out a relative had died three years after their passing

Did I feel anything?  No, they were a stranger

Longwalker

I can totally relate to how you feel

My dad was the biggest !!!!!! who ever walked this earth, he beat me as a child to the point I needed to be taken to hospital many times - I could go on but feel free to fill the blanks in

Last time I saw him was on a bus in 1992, I was so shocked I hid - we both got off the same stop

I found out he died in 1995 in around 98/99 

I cant tell you how I felt, so many emotions, so much hurt and hatred, so much sorrow

I did go off the rails for a while - drinking too much - trying to come to terms with it all. and understanding what I was coming to terms with 

I think I felt every emotion under the sun at the time, and for a long time after. Sadness - sadness because we never had a father daughter relationship. Sadness that I suffered so much abuse. Sadness also that he died alone with a charity burying him

Anger, anger because he was the !!!!!! he was

Loss, because I never had the dad I should have had

Guilt - because I was his child and he was my dad and I should have known

I could go on but Im sure you understand

I found his grave 15 years ago, I travelled especially to find it. I always said I would dance on it, yet when I found it it was enough. I think going to his grave, knowing he was dead and gone, that he - when he died had a council burial with no one to mourn him - was enough for me

No one can tell you how to feel or not . You feel what you do and nothing is wrong or right. You just have to work through it. Took me a good few years but then I had many years of hell previously 

SamGFields

Longwalker said:

I can totally relate to how you feel

I could go on but Im sure you understand

First, sorry for disappearing. Work, work and more work to blame for that.

Second, thank you for all your posts, especially this last one.

Its a week later on now and Im fine.

I'm not used to being 'thrown' emotionally, I'm normally very much a 'water off a ducks back' person.

It is what it is.

Longwalker

SamGFields said:

Longwalker said:

I can totally relate to how you feel

I could go on but Im sure you understand

First, sorry for disappearing. Work, work and more work to blame for that.

Second, thank you for all your posts, especially this last one.

Its a week later on now and Im fine.

I'm not used to being 'thrown' emotionally, I'm normally very much a 'water off a ducks back' person.

It is what it is.

Be prepared for it not being as easy as that

There will be times going forward when emotions will bubble up and it gets tough

Dont pigeon hole everything, its been a week, its not all said and done. As you grow, feelings will emerge. I found the worse time when my husbands father died for example. I didnt understand the grief, and then the anger set in because I never had that relationship and whilst I should have been comforting my husband, I was consumed it feelings of anger and hate

Be easy on yourself. Accept that today its fine, in a month it may not be, but thats fine as well xxx

wazza99

I own a similar situation, my "Dad" left me when i was 6 months, ive never know him, never met him. He's a none entity in my life, he's never reached out in 54 years nor have i, Is he dead or alive i do not know, nor care. We are all different so how i care wont be the same as you , none is right or wrong.

TripleH

People process grief a number of different ways.

I was numb when my dad died and we got on really well. I was sadder though when we had our eldest cat put to sleep. This may be for a number of reasons (including processing my father's death) but could also be that on a day to day basis the cat was more a part of my life.

I grieved more when my maternal grandmother died. I probably had a closer relationship to my paternal Grandmother but she was not my biggest fan.