Real Dad Dead - Am I meant to be Sad?
in Marriage, relationships & families
18 replies 1.8K views
Found out my read Dad died today, well he died in 09, i found out today. Its all a bit strange and Im not sure what i should feel.
Im early 50s. My real Dad buggered off before i was born, and we've had no contact at all since. All these years Ive strongly felt why should i ever reach out, he was the one that left etc. However I tentatively reached out to one of his/our relatives via FB about a year ago and heard nothing back.
I beat myself up for reaching out, why give him that satisfaction, etc. Then today one of those Find My Family websites has a free weekend offer, so I searched for him and found out he died back in 2009. And now Im sad. And then Im angry at myself for being sad. Is it even sad, i dunno what it is, regret? No i dont think its regret, or is it...
Anyone had something similar? What am i meant to feel?
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I only recently realised that my Great Grandmother died in 96, as I'd never met her I always assumed she'd died before I was born.
Whilst I get the family reasons we never met, I did feel a little cheated especially as my grandparents on that side I never met but that was due to them passing away many years ago
I hope you can find people you can talk to, here or IRL, without needing to down too many bottles of ale or other intoxicating substances ...
As someone who really wished the man on my birth cert wasn't my father; I now know he was genetically. Despite that I "relate" to his wider family.
And on the other side, discovered that the grandfather who (vaguely) "died in WW2", lived another couple of decades. I feel for his children some of whom only have one memory of him, when he left the family. One of the consequences was also that they were largely cut off from his family.
You never had "a dad" or at least this man as a "dad". It is normal to grieve what you didn't have when you discover that the option is no longer there. And its normal to be angry about lost chances even when you are grieving someone you knew and loved.
You'll have different feelings at different times; all of which will be valid. Maybe learn to listen to them to work out what they tell you about your unmet needs as a child, and maybe some will simply be how you feel today. Just be gentle with yourself.
He contributed nothing towards supporting me.
We had no contact throughout our lives, although we lived in the same town.
My Mum met a lovely man and married him when I was 9.
HE was my Dad.
I read about my Father's death in the obituaries of the local paper.
I felt nothing.
He was a stranger to me.
If you don't feel sad about his death, you're not sad.
And shouldn't feel that you should be sad.