Should I just leave?



  • london21
    london21 Posts: 2,096 Forumite
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    Start taking action towards leaving such as saving for a deposit etc.

    It does not look like the person is willing to change or make an effort to get help.

    How much longer can you continue like this for?
  • pollypenny
    pollypenny Posts: 29,393 Forumite
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    Excellent advice here to start planning to leave and set yourself up, maybe in rented accommodation initially.  

    It's important to remember that you are entitled to a fair proportion of marital assets , incl the house. 

    One thing I'd add, while he might depend on you, it doesn't seem as if he cares for you much. 
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

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  • pickledonionspaceraider
    pickledonionspaceraider Posts: 2,698 Forumite
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    edited 6 November 2022 at 12:49PM
    You need to take responsibility for this decision,  you and you alone - and not seek approval from outside sources

    It seems as if you almost want the bloke to do something entirely unforgivable so you can be given permission to walk away and not look back

    It is almost as if you are wanting things to end ,but not having the courage of your convictions to make the decision and stick by it without second guessing yourself

    I don't mean that to sound horrible as it probably does - but my point being is that you need to make this choice for you.  Your situation sounds ghastly and you have put up with a LOT already - and I honestly admire that.  If the man is not prepared to take steps to make life improved for you both, then this is a rut 

    Have you ever attempted to speak to him to tell him how unhappy you are?

    It does sound as if - if you stay, your life is never going to be how you want it to be.  AND THAT RIGHT THERE is the permission and reason you need.  You are not happy (and that is that - no more reasons needed) - as what you need and want is marginalised - so he can have what he wants and needs

    So I think you know the answer.  It is time to (for the want of a better saying) put on your big girl pants, take a deep breathe, and make the decision.

    You wont be responsible for how his life is, if you chose to separate, however I would suggest (if you go for it) to handle it gently as possible, as one last kindness

    Don't waste any more time.  This is your one shot at life.  You already know what you wana do  
    With love, POSR <3
  • gwynlas
    gwynlas Posts: 1,703 Forumite
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    You have to accept that you are in charge of your own destiny and cannot fix him..If you choose to leave you would be entitled to half the marital assets including the house. You could choose to let him stay there but it would appear that he would lose the house by defaulting on the mortgage anyway so you would not be doing him any favours, Would  the proceeds of house sale enable him to buy a one bed flat outright? You could sort this out and walk away with nothing or take your half to use as  deposit and take on your own mortgage. Talk to Womens Aid for an independent opinion.
  • london21
    london21 Posts: 2,096 Forumite
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    Don't rely solely on the opinions of strangers online, it is your reality follow your gut instinct. 
  • TBagpuss
    TBagpuss Posts: 11,203 Forumite
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    Short answer - all of the reasons you give for staying seem to be around his needs, so yes, it may well be that it istime to start tpo put yourself first and that may mean leaving and divorcing him..

    Longer answer.

    You can't change change him or make him willing to change or to accept treatment for his mental or physical helth issues. 
     You couls suggest to him that you go to RElate or to a counsellor about your relationship, to try to see whethe he is at all open to discussing boundaries and arangements moving forward, which might include you asking that he engage with support for menatl health issues.

    I also think that whether you sytay or goyou need to look at the finacial position - as things stand, you are pretty vulnerable, as you are carrying the majority of thefiancial burden but you are not on the house so won't necessarily be kept in the loop if there are issues. IF your were to divorce, then a fiancial settlement could be agreed which couldensure that the asets are split fiarly. If you don't, then it may be in your interestsd to look ino having a postnu[ptial agreement (like a pre-nup but done after you marry) setting out what your respective responsibilities are and what you will each be entitled to if you spearate.

    If you decide to leave, then you are not responsible for him - you can encourage him to seek help, you can directly notify his GP of his vulnerabilities and the potentntial need for help, andif he has family then you can also let them know  (If he is still involved with the religious group you could also contactthe pastor / leader to suggest to them that he may need support)

    If he were to threaten to harm himself then do what you would if it were any other person making the threat - if it was an immediate threat, call an ambulance, otherwise contact his GP and any family to let them know that he may need support, and suggest to him thathe talk to his doctor or to his priest/ pastor .

    If you do leave, then there is nothing to stop you from telling him your would like to remain on friendly terms, you can still spend time with him socially if you enjoy each others company even if you have come to a point where you no work as a couple - ending a marraige isn't a ilure, soetimes it is simply that it has run its course and you are not longer the same people you were . In realitiy,even of you are willing to be amicable he may not be, but that doesn't stop you from offering. There's not evenanything to stop you dating hi once you are divocred and have compketely separated out your finances - ot's possible to love someone and also be unable to live with them , some relationships even work better than way. 

    Based on wat you say, he hasbeen quite happy to threaten and bully you to try to control you, that isn't a healthy reltionship, and while his beahviour may in part be due to his mental illness, he is making conscious choices as well including choices not to engage with mental health support services. 

    Unfortuanbtely you can'talways protectpeople from the consequences of their own choices nor can you protect someone from the effects of their health problems particuarlly if they are not themselvess willing to do so.

    You might find it useful to talk to relate - they can see you on your own as well as (or instea of) as a couple, and it might help you to work though what you want from the marriage and whaether there is any prosepct of getting it, and perhaps to help with suggestions of how you could approach it with him in temrs of whether you can improve thinbgs.
    Right nw, it soundsas though you are acting as his saftey net and suport network, so it's easy to see why he would stay in the relationship, but for you, you are getting a lot of stress, financial strain, bullying and threats, - so ask yourslef whether there are any positives, and if so, do they really outweight all of the negatives, espeapecially if he is either unwilling or unable to change so that the negative issues improve. 
    All posts are my personal opinion, not formal advice Always get proper, professional advice (particularly about anything legal!)
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,557 Forumite
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    Only his name is on the mortgage as he bought the house 2 years before we met.
    I pay for the utilities, council tax and food shopping.
    Some months I have to pay the full mortgage amount as he has spent up, other months I pay two thirds of it.
    You can register matrimonial home rights with the Land Registry so that he can't sell it or remortgage it without your knowledge.

  • diystarter7
    diystarter7 Posts: 5,202 Forumite
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    OP, when/if  you leave you will have regrets and you yourself have said you do get bouts of good times.
    Only you can decide.
    I said this the other day, if/when you meet someone else, there is no guarantee they are going to be better.
    If/when you leave you will need a lot of emotional support and if I was you i'd decide about one person I would listen to seriously.

    If you have made a decision to leave, consider the above and prepare and prepare and consider costs of managing your own place but judging by what you have posted it may be easier as you don't have an ex to look after.

    I hope it goes well with whatever you decide to do,

    PS: Not sure re help-lines but at times it may be worth boucing ideas of people you have never met like here but on the phone.
    Take care and I wish you and you OH best wishes for a brighter future

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